Feel Again
by haunted-mind-14
Summary: Slash! The Shield members Seth Rollins/Colby and Dean Ambrose/Jon. I don't want to lose you. I don't know how to keep you. I'm afraid you're going to finally figure out that I'm not good enough for you. That some emotionally fragile, former dope dealing, ex pill popping, sexual game playing, son of a whore from Ohio is not someone who is ideal for you to be in a relationship with.
1. Chapter 1

Editor's note!

It's been a REALLY FRICKIN' LONG TIME since I wrote a story. I wanted to so badly but I just couldn't get the words out. Until now. Something about these guys just is inspirational. So, here we go. A story about Dean Ambrose/Jonathan Good and Seth Rollins/Colby Lopez. I like to use real names. Obviously I do not own anything, I do not wish to offend anyone, this is just my fanfiction and that's what it is, fiction. Nothing more. Song lyrics here do not belong to me either. They are "Feel Again" by OneRepublic. The first four paragraphs are just told from the character's POV inside their heads, starts with Colby then Jon, Colby then Jon and then the main story is told from Jon's POV unless otherwise noted. ENJOY!

Feel Again

_"It's been a long time coming since I've seen your face_  
_I've been everywhere and back trying to replace everything that I've had till my feet went numb_  
_Praying like a fool that's been on the run"_

Nobody can wear a pair of jeans like Jon can. He just has the most exquisite body for clothes. They hang from him, every article of clothing he owns like they were made just for him and his body. He's standing there, shirtless in my kitchen. Why does he have to do these things? Can't he understand the sight of him is just too beautiful for some eyes to take in? Not mine though. I like to think I can take it. I can appreciate him, standing there next to my sink with no shirt on. His pale and torn light blue jeans sitting in just that perfect spot on his waist to make me want to melt right into a puddle on my own kitchen floor just like the ice melting in the glass I flimsily hold in my hand right now. I decide I had better take a drink. Maybe it will bring me back to reality...

He's staring at me. I can feel it. It's so obvious Colby, come on. I love it. I want him to see me. I want to see him. I want to take him, but he doesn't know any of this. He has no idea. I think he is just enjoying the sight of me standing there in his kitchen shirtless, just letting him take all of it in. I hope I am making him uncomfortable. I wish selfishy that I have struck up some sort of deep down desire inside of him that he didn't know existed and that now he has to go excuse himself to the other room because he felt his cock start to grow with the thought of how my jeans have slowly began to slide down just a little further and further along my waist. I think he's sipping his drink just to try to hide part of his face from me. But I can read him. I know what he's thinking...

I know he has no idea I've been staring at him. I'm pretty good at not letting on what I'm thinking or feeling, or at least I like to think so. Damn, his body. It's such a thing of beauty. His arms are long and toned. His torso lean and cut in just the right spots to accentuate the denim of his pants. His legs and his body language as he leans there, legs crossed. He has no idea. I can't keep staring at him much longer. He's going to know, but somehow I don't think I care anymore. Working with him now is making this desire start to grow somehow. I've known Jon god knows how long, through every year up and down good and bad, but I can't quite put my finger on what's different now...

I take a long drink of whiskey and start to wish that the others would just leave. I want to play all of a sudden. I want to see how far I can push him. I want to see what I can get. I want to take him as far as he'll let me take him and then back again. But I don't want to scare him. So I drink some more whiskey and hope that soon the other guys will call it a night and decide to leave us alone...

_"Heart's still beating but it's not working_

_I reach out trying to love but I feel nothing_  
_Yeah, my heart is numb..."_

We're alone now, Colby and I. I watched everyone else leave and say goodnight as they left, but I have no intention of doing any such thing anytime soon. I watch Colby as he turns and walks back into the kitchen. I meet his eyes as he glances at me, I know he was trying not to check me out. He did, I know it. I can tell by the look on his face that I'm making him uncomfortable, half naked, half drunk, and half hard in his kitchen. He only knows about two of those things, but I'm about to make him aware of the third.

"Jon?" he says to me.

"Yeah?" I say in response, meeting his eyes once again. I try to read him but I can't. I wish that I could.

"You think we should call it a night?" he asks quietly as he unbuttons the sleeves of his light green dress shirt. I know he only did that so he wouldn't have to look at me as he said it. He and I both know goddamn well that he doesn't want me to leave and I'm not planning on going anywhere.

I smile and finish my glass of whiskey. "Already?" I ask him slowly. I stand up straight now, setting my glass down to free my hands. I look at him, now unbuttoning the top two buttons of him shirt collar. He's standing there in his dimly lit kitchen, close to the counter. I want him to look at me. I want him to see me when I do what I am about to do. "I thought I would stay a little bit longer..." I begin to say as I move in closer to him. He looks at me with those dark eyes and it makes my cock stir. I move closer now and he moves backwards but I have him trapped. His back meets the kitchen counter and I have him right where I want him. I smile softly at him and turn off the kitchen light.

"Jon? What are you..." he begins to say to me in protest, but he can't finish his question, I don't give him the chance. I move to him, press my hips against his hips and take his face into my hands.

"Quiet." I whisper to him. I press our bodies together as close as they can be and open up my hand, placing my fingers into his mess of long black and blonde hair. I kiss him, his lips feeling just like I had imagined they would. So soft and full, he tastes slighty sweet and as we begin to kiss more and more I force his lips open further and further, his sweetness and the taste of my whiskey mouth mixing together. I feel his breath as he sighs hard against my lips and I feel his body melt into mine as I reach between us to free the rest of the buttons on his shirt. I keep the pace, kissing him hard and fast as I open up his shirt and touch his chest with my fingers. He feels soft against my hands. His body pressed so hard against mine, I begin to feel his dick grow hard against me, against my hip, almost right beside my own which has began to grow more than before we began kissing.

I touch him slowly, up and down his chest, moving his shirt off his shoulders and gripping him there as we continue to kiss more and more. His hands creep up and down the length of my back, his fingertips like feathers so light as he touches me. I slide my tongue into his mouth and press my body against his, slowly letting his tongue and mine dance together as I move my hips against him. I let our mutual hardness meet and we both sigh, Colby breaking up our kiss to take a breath. I want to take him. I want to peel the rest of his clothes off and drag him to his bedroom and have my way with him. But I can't, not yet. This is enough for now, enough to haunt him for a little while. I can tell by what I can see of his expression there in the dark that he is confused and wants to start with the questions but I have no patience for that right now. I lean in and kiss him once more, his hand cradling my face as our lips meet. I whisper to him "I have to go..." as I grab my shirt off the counter. I don't give him a chance to say anything more and I smile as I catch one last glance of him, still standing in the same spot as I head for the door. "That felt good." I mumble to myself.

_"But with you_  
_I feel again..."_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two! Told from Seth/Colby's POV. Enjoy!

I stood there frozen. I couldn't move, I didn't know how to move. I had no way to even begin to process what had just happened. Not that I didn't want it to happen, just...something about it was just so jarring that I didn't know what to do next. Run out my door, down the stairs, and after him? Stand here frozen in this spot so the moment was still somehow current in my mind? Take my phone out of my pocket and call him, asking him what the hell he was doing reading my mind?

I stood there for a few more minutes trying to wrap my mind around what had just taken place. I couldn't believe he had done that, not that Jon had never done unbelievable things in his lifetime, but this one had to rank pretty high up on the list. It was like he knew what I was secretly thinking, what I wanted him to do in that very moment and what I was longing for.

I couldn't stand there any longer and let the moment haunt me. I locked my door and headed to my bathroom to brush my teeth before I tried to sleep. I took out my toothbrush and spread the toothpaste on it, looking up at the mirror in front of me as I began to brush. I could see my lips, now slightly pink and a little swollen from Jon's lips roughly brushing up against mine just a few minutes ago. They felt different. They had the most delightful sting to them as I mindlessly brushed back and forth. I wondered to myself if his lips maybe felt different too.

I pulled down the sheet of my bed and sat down on the edge, taking my clothes the rest of the way off. I was still in a daze, unable to yet fully process what had happened. My head felt heavy and light at the same time. My lips were burning and hungry for more. My body was hot and my chest still tingled from his hands having just been there. What the hell? Had this really just happened? My friend of years now, someone who I have shared many miles of road and many nights of wrestling with had just kissed me?

I crawled to the middle of my bed and stretched my arms up over my head, sighing as I bunched my pillow up in a more comfortable position for my head, heavy as it was. I thought about my friend Jon. How we both had many things in common, the way we began in our industry, both starting out at a young age and coming up through the ranks at the same time. But there was always something more about Jon, something dark and mysterious. Jon was not the type of person you just meet and forget. Jon is not someone who is just your friend, your accuaintance. It just doesn't work that way. Jon consumes you. Jon haunts you. You don't just become friends with him, you LIVE him. He is an all emcompassing experience.

Jon posesses these qualities, I have not even the slightest idea how to begin to describe them. You want, you need to continue to know him. He sparks a flame inside of you as soon as you take that first long look into those blue-green eyes of his and you have no idea how. He just does. You are drawn in and you don't want to get out. He haunts you, he haunts you with the way he moves, the way he looks, the way he talks. Everything about him draws you in and you can't help yourself.

I couldn't think about it anymore, I didn't want to think about it anymore, but I couldn't will myself to fall asleep. My mind was buzzing and couldn't turn it off no matter how I tried. There I stood, drinking in every inch of Jon as he stood there in my kitchen and what does he do? Pins me against my own kitchen counter and kisses me with a passion that I have never known, and then leaves. He knew what he was doing. He knew that his act of lust would make me think about him, make me lay here and have a sleepless night because he was in my thoughts. That was what he wanted. He wanted to make something happen, shake things up. That's how he operates. He wanted to see what would happen, see what I would do. I didn't know what to do next. I didn't know the next move. I longed to call him and tell him to come back, tell him that I had to have him in my bed right now. I didn't know how to act. Was that what he wanted me to do? To tell him to stay, come after him as he tried to leave? What would have happened then? I knew that Jon liked men. I had no idea that he liked me. Jon and I had never talked about my sex life before. How did he know that I would let him kiss me? He must have known, he had to have picked up on something along the way. He must have understood my thoughts when I looked at him that way. I don't even remember when it all started, I guess when we both started working together in FCW was when it began to feel different for me. I mean, Jon and I had spent time together as friends out on the road chasing our dreams, but now it felt different. I guess maybe it was a different version of Jon that showed up then. He seemed a little serious, maybe dare I say a little more mature. I've seen Jon at some of his lowest points and there are things I've experienced with him and his personal issues that nobody can even imagine...but I've always remained his friend. Just his friend. Until recently. I have found myself thinking of him more and more. Thinking of him in a way that I never had before. Finding this attraction growing stronger and stronger as days and weeks pass us by. But never had I dreamed of REALLY acting on it or telling him what I was thinking and feeling. I was too scared, too intimidated by him. So I just kept it buried, my little secret. Or so I thought.

I tossed and turned for the longest time, it felt like hours. Looking over at the clock it had only been minutes. It was going to be a long night. I would have to wake up in the morning and see Jon, get on a plane with him and travel to the next city for the next round of shows. I was not looking forward to it. I was confused and conflicted. I tried to figure out what to say to him as I finally slowly drifted off to sleep...

_"And with you  
I can feel again"_


	3. Chapter 3

Part three! Told from Dean/Jon's POV. Enjoy!

What day is it? Sunday? I think so. I hope so. I guess so. I can't remember. Things run together. They become a blur at some point, they all are the same to me. Just another day. I slumped down into my seat on the airplane beside Colby and let out a deep breath. I took my sunglasses off my face and put them up into my hair as I turned to face him. He was wearing his sunglasses too and I couldn't help but think that he didn't want me to see part of his face. We barely talked on the flight. He sat reading on his Nook and would only give short one or two-word answers when I tried to talk to him or ask him a question. I loved it. I somehow liked the feeling of having made him uncomfortable with my actions of the night before. I wanted him to think about me, I wanted to fuck up his mind and disturb his idea of me. It worked, I could tell. I mean, you don't just kiss a guy like me and then forget about the experience the next day.

Off the plane and to the rental car I thought of what I should say. I had to make my next move carefully. We tossed our bags into the trunk and were on our way. Colby drives. Another town, another hotel. It's not uncommon to have to share rooms with other guys. These things are often not predetermined and choices are made most of the time when we get there. I glance behind me to the backseat. Reigns has his earbuds in. I decided it was safe.

"Can we share?" I said to him softly, staring straight ahead out the windshield. I wanted to smirk but I kept a straight face.

"What did you say?" Colby asked me, clearly confused and yet intrigued. I knew that he knew exactly what I had said to him.

I cleared my throat and sat up straight in the seat. "I said..." I began, pausing to brush my hair off of my forehead, "...can we share?" Colby took his eyes off the road just long enough to throw me a 'WHAT THE FUCK' kind of glance before going back to concentrating on the drive to the hotel. "Can we share?" I asked again. He closed his eyes at the stoplight we had just pulled up to and sighed. I could tell that he was getting frustrated with me. "A hotel room. Can you and I share a hotel room tonight? You know that some of us will have to double up and I just thought that we could decide before we got there that you and I would share..." I said.

"I don't really..." he began to say, but I didn't want to hear him protest.

"Colby!" I said harshly. He stuck his neck out and his expression hardened with confusion with my change of tone. "The...light...is...green." I said very slowly, smiling as he stepped on the gas and nearly squealed the tires as we began to drive away. I could tell he was trying to think of a reason to say something else to me so I decided to just end our exchange. "Just trust me. I know what I'm doing." I said as I pulled my hood up over my head and sank back down into the seat. I could feel him staring at me out of the corner of his eye the whole rest of the ride to the hotel. I didn't care, I just pretended to be looking out the window at the scenery. I knew he was thinking about what was going to happen as a result of having to share a room with me. I loved it.

I could just imagine the thoughts that were running through that mind of his as we walked into the hotel. I wanted him to be abuzz with anticipation. I wanted him to be thinking of nothing but me and what I could potentially do to him sexually tonight. I wanted him to be as turned on as I was at the thought of coming back here later on tonight and letting me have my way with him. I knew he was.

_"Heart still beating but it's not working  
It's like a hundred thousand voices that just can't sing  
I reach out trying to love but I feel nothing  
Oh my heart is numb..."_

Standing around later on backstage we waited for our time to go on and I couldn't help myself. Standing there watching Colby, there was no way I could help myself. He stood there, getting dressed. Buttoning up his black cargo pants. Stretching his arms over his head as he pulled his black shirt over his head. I stood there watching him as his arm muscles and every curve and cut of his torso stood out with his movements. I stood there with one foot up on the chair in front of me, having to adjust my stance as I stared at him more and more, I began to get more and more turned on watching him as he dressed. I grinned to myself watching him as he pulled his hair back, making sure to gather every entangled strand of black and blonde hair up before securing it. I wanted everyone else to cease to exist in that moment and have it be just the two of us in the room. I knew though, that if I just demonstrated a bit of patience he would be all mine soon enough.

Standing behind the barricade later that night, in a sea of fans yelling all around us I could only see Colby. I leaned over and grinned as I said to him softly "It's going to be a hell of a night." Colby turned his head and looked at me, letting out a confused laugh. I think he was having a hard time deciding if I was talking about what we were about to do when we jumped over that barrier or if I was talking about when we got back to our room. He had no idea what he was in store for. I had been waiting for long enough for a night like this. I was going to make him anticipate this as much as I possibly could.

Coming back to our room I had no term to properly describe the feeling, there was just something in the air, you could feel it. Something was different and we both understood. Well, I think I understood much more than Colby did. I got the distinct feeling that he was still quite confused about what had happened about twenty-four hours ago. I wasn't confused. I knew what was going to happen. I had been thinking long and hard about this for what seemed to be forever, but realistically the past few years. It began under circumstances that were not the greatest. Let's just say that Colby was the one who found me when I was at what I can easily say was my very lowest point. It made me start to think of him in a very different way, after that night when he literally picked me up off the ground from my drug, steroid, and alcohol induced stupor. But, that was a story for a different time. Tonight was not about that. Tonight was about the lust that I could feel between us. It was physical. I couldn't hold it in any longer.

I knew how to push his buttons. I had spent enough time with him that I had picked up on situations where I had realized I was making him uncomfortable. Just like the other night when I stood in his kitchen and removed my shirt. I knew it would get me where I wanted to be. With him staring at me, wanting me. I knew when he was noticing me, I had begun to pick up on that as well. I found it a little bit unbelievable at first. I would often find myself checking him out in moments when I knew that there was no way in hell I was going to get caught. I didn't think I would ever come to find that the feeling would be mutual. After a little while it started to become more like a game for me, like sex almost always does also. I delighted in finding ways and situations where I could make him see me in a sexual way. It made me happy to see his facial expression change last night when I took off my shirt and stood there in his kitchen. I had lied and said that it was too hot, but I knew what I was doing. I could see the look around his eyes and mouth tighten as he took in my bare skin. It was something sick and twisted deep down inside of me, I was sure. That which brought me such joy, playing these games with people. But, I know, I'm just a sick guy.

We walked in our room, both of us being quiet for the moment. Colby put his things down beside the bed closest to the window and sat down to take his shoes off. I walked over to the window and pulled the curtains apart to see the view. Nothing. A tree. A part of the nearby highway. Oh well, the view inside the room was far better. Colby went into the bathroom and closed the door behind himself. I closed the curtains and sat on the end of the bed. I slicked my hair back with both hands and let out a breath that I felt like I had been holding for a long time. I listened to the generic noises coming from the bathroom. Water running. The sound of him brushing his teeth. Then it was quiet. I imagined in that moment Colby stood there and looked at his reflection long and hard in the mirror, searching for something. I knew what he needed to find. I was about to show him.

He came out and sat on the other bed, asking me "So, what should we do? You want to rent a movie? You wanna go down to the bar down the street? I mean, you know I don't drink, but I would join you if you wanted to go down there. I guess we could just stay here. I don't know..." he trailed off there at the end. I could tell he didn't know what to say to me right then, he was just rambling and mumbling now. He was trying to think of something that would distract both of us from the subject that I knew he was dying to talk about with me. I didn't personally care for distractions.

"I don't really want to do any of those things." I said to him as I took my own shoes off. "I don't really want to go out again." I said. "I really don't care much for television these days." I continue as I stand up and take off my sweatshirt. "And I don't really think I need a drink tonight." I finished. I looked over at Colby then, looking at me and hanging on every word I was saying, waiting for what I was about to say next. "I do have an idea of what we could do." I said slowly.

"What's that?" he asked me. I smiled at him and sat on the side of the bed so we sat face to face now. "Tell me."

"I can't TELL you, Colby." I said to him. I loved the look he had in those dark brown eyes of his now. A touch of apprehension. Maybe even fear. Some excitement. And then something so erotic that it drove me wild. "I can only SHOW you." I said as I stood up. I felt him watch me as I walked past him and turned off the lights. "Stand up for me." I told him as I approached him.

Colby obliged, standing up beside the bed. We were off to a good start. I told him what to do and he did it. This was going to work out pretty well as long as he continued that same way for the rest of the night. "Didn't you want to ask me, weren't you just dying..." I began to ask him as I moved in closer and closer now. "...you wanted to ask me today about what happened last night right before I left your place, didn't you?" I stood before him now, almost touching. Colby was quiet. I could feel the pattern of his breath changing as I stood there. "Didn't you?" I asked again, taking his chin in my palm and making his eyes meet with mine.

Colby blinked hard and looked at me, saying softly "Yes, yes I did."

"Good." I continued, happy with the answer. "What did you want to ask me, Colby?" I asked him as I gently brushed my fingertips against the softness of the facial hair on his chin.

"I...I don..." he began to stammer, but little did he know that I didn't really expect any kind of answer from him, I already knew the answer.

"You wanted to ask me why I kissed you. You wanted to ask what in the world would possess me to do such a thing, it was rather unexpected, wasn't it?" I asked him, getting closer and closer to his face with mine as I spoke. I thought I heard a 'yes' escape from his throat, but I might have just imagined it as I continued. "And you wanted to tell me that after I left so suddenly that you didn't know what to fucking do with yourself, isn't that right? You tossed and turned in your bed last night thinking about me and the way I kissed you, didn't you?" Colby just nodded. "Your body was on fire and your mind was running like crazy with all these ideas and fantasies about you and I wasn't it? You couldn't fall asleep, could you?" I asked him. I let go of his chin and took both hands underneath his t-shirt. He felt so tense, so tight. I could tell I was having just the desired effect on him. "Did I turn you on? You loved it didn't you, feeling my lips on yours? Tell me. Did you?"

"Yes." he whispered, his face and my face now together. Our noses were touching. I traced my fingertips along every inch of his chest now, just listening to him breathe. I waited until he had closed his eyes and let out a small moan of pleasure before locking my lips with his. I could feel his body change, where he just a few moments ago was so tense, that all seemed to start to melt away now. His body was so responsive to mine. He put his hands on my shoulders and pulled me in closer to him, as close as we could get. Our bodies pressed together as we stood there and kissed each other, my hands now moving from his torso to his neck, holding him in just the right position for me to kiss him the way I desired. Long, hard kisses. Every so often letting our tongues meet up and flick together for a brief moment before going back to just our lips mingling together. I placed my hands in his mess of long hair and held on tight, wanting to have all of the control over our kiss. I could feel him now against me, his cock pulsing and bulging through the front of his pants. He gently rubbed against me as I tightened my grip on his hair just slightly. His hardness gently brushed against mine as he again moved his hips against me. He moaned lightly into our kiss. I let go of him. "I want to see you." I said to him as I took a step back. I pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it away. Colby stared into my eyes as I unbuttoned his jeans. He took them off and threw them aside as well, giving me a look that almost said 'Now what?' Never fear, I would show him.

I sat down on the bed behind me, placing my hands behind me and leaning back so I could have a good view of him. He was magnificent. His body long and lean, tight with muscles in just the perfect places. He moved toward me, not wanting to stand there any longer for my viewing pleasure. I reached out for him and pulled him in towards me, my hands on the sides of him. My mouth could easily have closed in on his cock then, but it wasn't going to be that easy. I wanted to hear him tell me more. I looked up at him, his eyes locking with mine once again. I slowly closed my eyes and pressed my face to his torso, just a mere inch from his belly button. I pressed my nose to him and took in the smell of his skin, pressed my lips to the flesh of his stomach. I looked up momentarily to see that he had his head thrown back with pleasure as I traced imaginary lines across his torso with the tip of my tongue. I didn't think he could pick up on it, but I traced out the words "You are mine" across his body. I sighed against him and kissed up and down, left and right. I could feel his dick move up and down below my head every now and then. I would get there soon enough, but like I said, I needed him to tell me. "Last night after I left..." I began to say between kisses and licks to his torso, "...what did you do?" I asked him.

"What do you mean what did I do?" he asked me in return. "I freaked out and then tried to go to sleep, and tossed and turned for quite some time before falling asleep finally."

"You were hard when I left, weren't you?" I asked him.

"Yes." he said as he swallowed hard.

"But you didn't jerk off after I left?" I asked him as I reached down and gently ran just my thumb and forefinger over the head of his cock.

"Jon..." he moaned. "No, n...no. I didn't..." he rasped out.

That was exactly the answer I wanted to hear. I took his cock in my mouth, adoring the sharp intake of his breath as I used my tongue over the head of his cock. He was so hard. He tasted so sweet on my tongue, just as I had imagined earlier today when I had thought of this very moment. He moaned louder now, saying my name over and over again as I took him in. His hands pressed against my face lightly. I felt his fingers brush against my cheekbones and over my forehead. Colby began to buck his hips lightly against my mouth, working his way down further and further until I had taken him in as far as I could. I felt us reaching a good pattern when he said to me between sighs "I'm going to cum soon, I can't take it much longer. Fuck, Jon...you're so good..." It wasn't exactly the plan I had for us, but I figured this first time I would let him cum when he wanted. I looked up at him, my eyes and his meeting for a moment as he watched me suck his cock and I watched him watching me. Then he came for me, tasting just as sweet as I had always imagined he would. I savored letting his hot release wash over my tongue before I swallowed it, afterwards teasing the head of his still hard cock, not yet ready to stop tasting him. "I want to do you too, Jon." He said to me finally, prompting me to take him out of my mouth. "Let me suck your cock."

"No, that's not what I want." I said to him. "Get on the bed." I instructed him. I could see that look of fear and apprehension beginning to return now, he was not sure what to think or say and I could tell. "Lay on your back." I told him, pointing to the bed. He did as I said, laying down on the bed. I climbed over him, his cock still hard. I gazed down at him, he looked beautiful there in the bed with me. I put the palm of my hand against his face, kissing him again. Colby wrapped his arms around my back and pulled me in close to him. I kissed along his neck, all the way across his collarbone and down, down, down. I held on to his sides tightly and glanced up at him, smirking at him. He had a look on his face like he was afraid of me. He wasn't sure what was about to happen.

"Jon, I..." he whispered to me. "...you know I've never done this before. I've never been with a man, I don't know..."

"Stop." I said to him. I reached up and took his face in my hands. I pressed my face against his, kissing him softly. "Pretty baby."I whispered. "Just trust me. You trust me, don't you?" I asked him.

"Yes." he whispered back. That was all I needed to hear. I kissed my way down his torso again, taking his cock back into my mouth just long enough to make sure it was still good and hard and wet. I pulled him up to a sitting position as I knelt on my knees, I brought his hands to my stomach and he unzipped my pants, pulling them down just over my hips, allowing my cock to escape. Colby pressed his cheek against my torso as he took his cock in his hand, massaging up and down. It felt like bliss. I pushed him back down to the bed and took the tube of lubricant out of my pocket before throwing off my pants. "Just relax, and trust me." I reminded him. "Let me fuck you." I told him. I positioned him so that I had the most delightful access to that beautiful ass of his, his legs up so that I could prepare him. I got him wet and just gently rubbed my fingers over his ass. He sighed hard. I knew that nobody had ever given him this, and it excited me even more. I prepared him for me by easing in one finger and then two, kissing up and down the length of his inner thigh as I did. His eyes were pleading with me. I knew he wanted me to be inside him. I started out just rubbing the head of my lubed cock against his asshole, not wanting to intimidate him. I gently eased myself in, inch my inch. The look on his face had transformed from one of fear and apprehension to one of pleasure yet again. I knew I had him. He was mine. I pressed on, getting myself finally all the way inside of him after several minutes. I pressed in and sighed. He was tightly wrapped around me, the heat of his asshole so intense against my cock. I could feel between us his own cock pulsing. I wanted to have him so badly. I took him. I took his legs over my shoulders, opening him up more, positioning him so I could fuck him the way I wanted to. I held him that way, bearing down and taking his wrists in my hands, reaching over both of us and pinning his arms down to the bed. "Jon.." he whispered out to me again. I kissed him, hard and fast as I began to fuck him. I had him. I had him right where I wanted him. He was pinned down to the bed, my cock so far up his ass, my mouth against his. I fucked him hard, lasting longer that I had thought I would be able to. I felt him erupt again between us when I was close to my own orgasm, bringing me even closer. I buried my face in the part of him where his neck and shoulder meet and moaned as I came deep inside of him, biting him there as I felt the waves of my release wash over me. Colby cried out sharply as I did, yelling my name into my shoulder. I wasn't ready to let go of him just yet, I kept my grip on his wrists as I kissed him more, sucking on his bottom lip and letting my tongue trace across it. "I...I don't know what to say to you now, Jon..." Colby began to say to me. I didn't want to talk now. Talking was the last thing I wanted to do.

"Quiet." I instructed him. "Don't say anything." I whispered as I curled up next to him in the bed. "Don't say anything."


	4. Chapter 4

Part four told from Seth/Colby's POV. It should match up almost completely with part three, this is the same night just now being told from the other perspective.

It was Sunday. A very clear Sunday. Not like any of the others. It felt so strange. My friend had kissed me last night. I had no idea how to proceed. I was sitting there in my seat on the plane, waiting for Jon to sit down beside me. I longed to talk to him about it, to ask so many questions about this thing that had happened between us. I thought about it and decided it was probably for the best that I just keep quiet for now. God, that word. "Quiet." he had whispered it to me last night. It didn't feel real. Had it really happened? I used my sunglasses to hide what of my face I could with them when Jon sat down in the seat beside mine. I pretended to be very interested in what I was reading on my Nook. Jon made polite small talk with me here and there during the flight just like we always would do. I gave just short answers. He was making me uncomfortable. I think he knew I was because I could almost see this satisfied smirk on his face at times. I felt like I could crawl out of my skin right then and there, the more I began to think about it. I mean, you don't just get kissed by a guy like Jon and then forget about the experience the next day.

Off the plane and to our rental car. I figured the silence was good. I didn't really feel like talking about anything at the moment. I couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking. We loaded up the trunk and were on our way. I decided to drive. I wanted to give myself something else to concentrate on. Through another town, on the way to another hotel. Jon glanced over his shoulder to the backseat and then asked me "Can we share?"

"What did you say?" I asked him, mostly confused and yet somehow intrigued. I had heard exactly what he had said to me. I just wanted to hear him say it again.

"I said..." he began, stopping to brush his stray hair out of his face, "...can we share?" I took my eyes off the road just long enough to throw him my best 'WHAT THE FUCK' kind of glance before looking back at the road. "Can we share?" he asked me again.I closed my eyes tight at the stoplight we had just come up to and let out a sigh. I was starting to become frustrated with him. I didn't want to be having this conversation here and now. "A hotel room. Can you and I share a hotel room tonight? You know that some of us will have to double up and I just thought that we could decide before we got there that you and I would share..." he said.

"I don't really..." I began to say to him, but he didn't give me a chance to protest.

"Colby!" he said to me harshly. I strained my neck in his direction and felt my expression harden at the way he changed his tone. "The...light...is...green." he said to me very slowly. I swear I saw him smile as I stepped on the gas as hard as I could, nearly making the tires squeal. I could feel my teeth grind together. I knew that there was no way that Jon was going to take no for an answer. I shouldn't even bother trying to protest. "Just trust me. I know what I'm doing." he told me as he pulled the hood of his sweatshirt up over his head and sank down into the seat. I stared at him out the corner of my eye every chance I got the rest of the ride there. I was trying to figure out what the fuck he was thinking.

I don't think he possibly could have imagined the thoughts that were running through my mind as we arrived at the hotel. I don't think my anticipation level could have been any higher. I was thinking about nothing but Jon and what his plans were, if he even had any. He must have, Jon had a reason for doing everything. It was probably like some sort of game to him. He was probably getting off on the thought of me squirming at the thought of him coming back here later on tonight and having his way with me. Was that really what I wanted? I mean, it was brand new for me. I knew that Jon had many lovers in his day, male and female. But this would be nothing like I had ever experienced before, if it was what he was thinking of. I didn't know what to think. How could someone make me feel such a wide range of things just from one kiss? The fear, anticipation, anger, arousal. Only Jon.

I stood around later backstage at the show getting ready. I buttoned up my black cargo pants and raised my arms over my head as I pulled on my black shirt. I felt as though someone was watching me. I prayed it was Jon. I pulled my hair back and secured it at the base of my neck. I turned around to see Jon, his foot propped up on a chair in front of him, the strangest look on his face.

We stood there in the crowd later on that night, just the two of us in a sea of loud, obnoxious fans yelling and screaming. All I noticed was him. He grinned his most devilish grin and leaned over towards me, telling me in his sexy, raspy tone "It's going to be a hell of a night." What the hell was that? Was he doing a character? Was he Jon? Why the hell had he said that to me? I realized then that he was playing with me, I knew it. I didn't know what else to do so I let out a small laugh in response.

Walking inside our room when we got back there was something strange in the air. I could tell that something was different. I wondered if Jon felt it too. He must have, it had to be because of him. I didn't know what to call it, my mind was still filled with fog from my thoughts about the night before. What the hell was going on with him? I had known Jon for years. We knew each other from working some of the same places on the independent wrestling circuit. We worked many shows together. We had many mutual friends. So it seemed natural to hang out together. But just as I had been thinking in bed about him last night, there was always something darker about Jon than anyone else I had ever known. I mean, I knew most of the details of his life. I had listened to him many, many nights tell me stories about his upbringing that I think some people would cringe at. It was easy to understand Jon and how he was if you understood where he came from. Over the past couple of years, working more closely together in FCW and living more close together now, I began to spend more and more time with him, that only seemed like the natural progression of things. It was good to see in the last five or so years how far Jon had come. Shit, I remember clearly how bad he was at times. I was even the one who found him when he was at his rock bottom, doing steroids, taking pill upon pill to numb himself, carrying around a bottle everywhere he went. But, I didn't want to think about that. That was over and done with. It was enough to think just about what was happening here and now.

I didn't know what to think now. It was just like Jon had figured me out, like he knew what buttons to push with me and what response he would get because of it. Shit, was it really that easy? I hadn't even noticed him doing it. That was just the person he was though. Before you knew it you were so involved in his existence whether you wanted to be or not, and you weren't sure if you really wanted to try to escape. He was just so...beautiful. Even with every flaw and misgiving that he had, he was still so fucking beautiful. I couldn't even put my finger on when I started to see him sexually. It just happened. I guess maybe it was another one of those things that had seemed natural. I started noticing him and watching him more and more. I found myself hard to control it over time. And the thing was, I think that was what he wanted. He told me once that no matter how hard he tried, somehow sex always turned into some kind of game for him. That was a bad omen for me. I was hoping that this wouldn't be a game of his. I didn't think I could afford to lose. Not to Jon.

Both of us were quiet as we settled in. I put my things down by the bed closest to the window. I started to take off my shoes as Jon opened up the curtains and looked out our window at the outside world. I knew what was out there. Nothing. A stupid parking lot maybe, some trees and the highway. The view of him standing there in his tight jeans and sweatshirt was much better, I knew that without even having looked out that window. I walked to the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I stood there, my head pressed against the wall. I wanted to bang my head against it over and over again. I thought maybe that would bring me back to reality. This couldn't be reality. I walked over to the sink and washed off my face. I brushed my teeth and washed my hands. I stopped then, not knowing what to do. I just stood there and stared at my reflection in the mirror. I wondered what Jon was doing on the other side of that door.

I came out and sat down on the other bed. I thought maybe if we got out of here I would feel more comfortable or maybe if we had something to distract us that I would feel better about being alone with him now. "So, what should we do? You want to rent a movie? You wanna go down to the bar down the street? I mean, you know I don't drink, but I would join you if you wanted to go down there. I guess we could just stay here. I don't know..." I began to stammer and mumble at the end, I couldn't help it.

"I don't really want to do any of those things." he said to me as he took his shoes off. "I don't really want to go out again." he said. "I really don't care much for television these days." He continued as he stood up and took off his sweatshirt. "And I don't really think I need a drink tonight." he finished. He looked over at me then. I was looking at him and hanging on every word he was saying, waiting for what he was about to say next. "I do have an idea of what we could do." he said slowly.

Holy fuck. I swallowed so hard it hurt. I didn't want him to know how scared I was in this moment. "What's that?" I asked him. Holy shit, this was really happening. "Tell me." I said. Jon sat down on the side of the bed so that he faced me now and smiled.

"I can't TELL you, Colby." he said to me. I could feel my eyes shift as he stared at me, I knew that he was reading me. It made me so apprehensive, yet somehow I was so turned on by this. "I can only SHOW you." he said as he stood up. I watched him as he stood up and turned off the lights. I heard his throaty voice telling me "Stand up for me." as he got closer. I obliged as he approached me. "Didn't you want to ask me, weren't you just dying..." he began to ask me as he moved in closer and closer now. "...you wanted to ask me today about what happened last night right before I left your place, didn't you?" he stood before me now, almost touching. I was quiet. I felt the pattern of my breathing change as he stood there. "Didn't you?" he asked again, taking my chin in his palm and making my eyes meet with his.

I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. I didn't know how to answer. I couldn't find the words. I finally blinked hard and told him softly "Yes. Yes I did."

"Good." he continued. "What did you want to ask me, Colby?" he asked me as he gently brushed his fingertips against the facial hair on my chin.

"I...I don..." I began to stammer. What kind of answer was he really expecting me to give him? I had this strange notion that he already knew what the answer was, he just wanted to hear me say it.

"You wanted to ask me why I kissed you. You wanted to ask what in the world would possess me to do such a thing, it was rather unexpected, wasn't it?" he asked me, getting closer and closer to my face with his as he spoke. I think a faint 'yes' may have escaped from my throat, but I might have just imagined it. "And you wanted to tell me that after I left so suddenly that you didn't know what to fucking do with yourself, isn't that right? You tossed and turned in your bed last night thinking about me and the way I kissed you, didn't you?" I just nodded. There was nothing else I could do. He was so close to me now, on the verge of our bodies touching together once again. I was getting more and more turned on listening to his words as hs spoke to me, his sexy harsh voice making my cock grow harder and harder with every syllable. "Your body was on fire and your mind was running like crazy with all these ideas and fantasies about you and I wasn't it? You couldn't fall asleep, could you?" he asked me. He let go of my chin and took his hands underneath my t-shirt. I knew I was so tense, so tight. That was just the response that my body was having to Jon's verbal stimulation. "Did I turn you on? You loved it didn't you, feeling my lips on yours? Tell me. Did you?"

Yes." I whispered, my face and his face now together. Our noses were touching. He traced his fingertips along my chest. I closed my eyes and let a small moan of pleasure escape as Jon locked my lips with his. My body changed then, it was almost like ice melting. I felt as though I was going to melt into a puddle there at Jon's feet. All of the tension simply washed away as he began to kiss me. My body was becoming more and more responsive to his touch. I was less and less afraid. I reached out to him, putting my hands on his shoulders and pulling him in closer to me, as close as we could get. Our bodies pressed together as we stood there and kissed each other, his hands now moving from my torso to my neck, holding me in just the right position for him to kiss me. Long, hard kisses. Every so often we would allow our tongues meet up and flick together for a brief moment before going back to just our lips mingling together. Jon placed his hands in my hair and held on tight. It turned me on more than I would like to admit. I was loving it, the feeling of letting Jon do what he wanted, to have complete control over the situation. He did tell me to trust him. I pressed myself against him, my cock pulsing and bulging through the front of my pants. I gently rubbed against him as he tightened his grip on his hair. I understood what he wanted. He wanted to have all the power and he wanted me to submit. So I did. My hardness brushed against his as I moved my hips against Jon. I wanted to be as close to him as I could. I wanted to feel how aroused he was and how turned on he was making me as well. I moaned into his breath. He let go of me. "I want to see you." He said to me as he took a step back. He pulled my shirt over my head and tossed it away. I stared into my eyes as I unbuttoned my jeans. I took them off and threw them aside as well, flashing him a look that pleaded with him "Don't hurt me. Show me what we do next?".

Jon sat down on the bed behind me, placing his hands behind him and leaning back. He sat there like that for a few moments, just staring at me, examining me. I was just waiting, waiting for him to do something, anything. He looked so cool and calm, like this was something he had done a million times before. He was in a comfort zone. I wanted to scream. I moved toward him, not wanting to stand there any longer for his viewing pleasure. Jon reached out for me and pulled me in towards him, his hands on the sides of me. His hands felt rough against me and I loved it, just like the rough cadence of his voice. His mouth could have closed in on my dick but he didn't. I knew Jon. It wasn't going to be that easy. He looked up at me, my eyes locking with his once again. Jon slowly closed those blue eyes and pressed his face to my abdomen, just above my belly button. He pressed his nose to me and took in a breath, pressing his lips to the flesh of my torso. I let my head fall back slowly with pleasure as he traced imaginary lines across my torso with the tip of his tongue. I didn't know what he was doing with the patterns of his tongue, but it was driving me crazy. He sighed against me and kissed up and down, left and right. I could feel my cock straining and bulging below his head. "Last night after I left..." he said between kisses and licks, "...what did you do?".

"What do you mean what did I do?" I asked him in return. "I freaked out and then tried to go to sleep, and tossed and turned for quite some time before falling asleep finally."

"You were hard when I left, weren't you?" he asked me.

"Yes." I said as I swallowed hard.

"But you didn't jerk off after I left?" He asked me as he reached down and began to rub just the head of my cock. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to orgasm. But I held it in long enough to answer him because I knew that was what he needed. "Jon..." I moaned. "No, n...no. I didn't..." I somehow squeaked out. I wanted to, god did I ever want to. I wanted to release myself while thinking of him and the way he kissed me, but I didn't. I stopped myself because I wanted him, I wanted for it to be him that brought me took my cock in his mouth, and I took in a sharp breath as he used his tongue across the head of my cock. I was so hard. I moaned loudly now, saying his name over and over again as he took me in. I pressed my hands against his face lightly, not wanting to be too aggressive. I wanted to leave that to him. I brushed my fingers against his face gently as I sighed, loving the way his mouth felt wrapped so tightly around my cock. I brushed against his cheekbones and over his sighs. I knew it wasn't going to last very long, with all of the buildup we had to this point only since yesterday, I was already on the verge of orgasm. "I'm going to cum soon, I can't take it much longer. Fuck, Jon...you're so good..." I told him. He looked up at me, his eyes and my own meeting for a moment as I watched him suck my cock and he watched me watching him. I came, Jon continuing to tease me with flicks of his tongue across my still hard cock as my orgasm subsided. I wanted to do the same. I wanted the chance to be able to taste him the way he had just done to me. "I want to do you too, Jon." I said to him finally, Jon finally releasing me from his mouth. "Let me suck your cock." I pleaded with him.

"No, that's not what I want." He said to me. "Get on the bed." Jon instructed me. I know that I must have had a look of fear on my face now, not , not sure how to respond or what to say. "Lay on your back." He told me, pointing to the bed. I did as he said, laying down on the bed. I wanted to do what he said, I wanted so badly to put all of my trust in him. He looked so fucking hot there, over me. He climbed on top of me, my cock still hard. He gazed down at me, a haunting and menacing look in those eyes of his. I knew that he was about to take complete control and I didn't know how to feel. He put the palm of his hand against me face, kissing me once again. I wrapped my arms around his back and pulled him in close to me. Jon kissed along my neck, all the way along my collarbone and down, down, down. He grabbed the sides of my body tightly and glanced up at me, smirking at me. I knew I must have had a scared look on my face. I wasn't sure what was about to happen. "Jon, I..." I whispered to him. "...you know I've never done this before. I've never been with a man, I don't know..."

"Stop." He said to me. He took my face in his hands. He pressed his face against to mine, kissing me softly. "Pretty baby." He whispered. "Just trust me. You trust me, don't you?" He asked me. I wanted to die. What else could I do but turn all the power over to him? I had to admit, it was turning me on to know that he was in full control of our exchange. I was somewhat helpless. I think it was what we both wanted, somewhere deep down I was longing for Jon to dominate me. And I knew that Jon had to be getting some sort of pleasure out of this as well.

"Yes." I whispered. That was all he needed to hear, apparently. He kissed his way down my torso again, taking my dick back into his hot mouth just long enough to make sure it was still hard. He then pulled me up to a sitting position as he knelt on his knees, He brought my hands to his stomach and I unzipped his pants, pulling them down just over his hips, allowing his cock to escape. Dammit, Jon was so hot. His body was even more beautiful out of his clothes that I had imagined. I pressed my cheek against his torso as I took his cock in my hand, sighing as I finally felt the heat of his hard cock in my palm. It felt like bliss. He didn't allow me to enjoy it for very long. He pushed me back down to the bed and I saw the bottle of lubricant shine against the faintest light that still existed in the room with us. I took a deep breath in and he must have heard me because he reassured me then. "Just relax, and trust me." He reminded me. "Let me fuck you." I sighed and allowed him to position me so that he would have access to my ass, my legs up slightly so that he could lube me up and prepare me. He got me wet and rubbed his fingers just ever so gently across my ass. It felt like lightning bolts passed through my whole body. It was such a fucking erotic thrill to feel him beginning to play with my ass. I sighed hard once again, saying his name. I knew that not only the thought of having all the control, but the thought also that nobody else had ever done this to me before,it had to be driving him insane with passion. He began by sliding in one finger, then two. Jon kissed and licked up and down the length of my thighs as he slowly prepared me for his cock. Jon looked up and my eyes were pleading with him, I wanted so badly to feel him inside of me now. He began just rubbing the head of his cock against my asshole. I could tell he wanted to be in charge but that he wasn't trying to cause me any deliberate pain. Jon eased himself inside of me, inch by inch. I felt any kind of fear I had once again wash away as he began to fuck me. He had me. I was his. He had me right where he wanted me to be and I loved it. After several minutes Jon was all the way inside of me. I felt a sigh escape from him. My ass was wrapped tightly around his cock, and I loved the feeling of his complete hardness now buried deep inside of me.I could feel my own cock almost to the limit. Jon placed my legs up, over his shoulders so that I was more open to him, pressing his weight down on me, my knees almost down to the bed. I knew what he wanted. He wanted to be as deep inside of me as he possibly could and I wanted the same. He grabbed my wrists and pinned me down to the bed so that I had no motion at all. I was trapped. I couldn't move. He had me there, right where I knew he had wanted me to be since the night before when he kissed me. "Jon.." I whispered out to him again. He kissed me, hard and fast as he began to fuck me. He had me pinned down to the bed, his cock so far up my ass, his mouth against mine. He fucked me hard, lasting for a very long time. I couldn't hold in my orgasm any longer and came between us. Soon after Jon buried his face in my shoulder and moaned as he came deep inside of me. Jon bit me then, just enough to make me cry out as he did and then yell my name into his shoulder. Jon kept his grip on my wrists and kissed me again, sucking on my bottom lip and letting his tongue trace across it. "I...I don't know what to say to you now, Jon..." I began to say to him. I wanted to tell him how this had been everything I had wanted it to be and more. I wanted to tell him how good the weight of his body felt against mine as we lay there. I wanted to ask a million questions of him, but he wouldn't let me.

"Quiet." He instructed me. "Don't say anything." Jon whispered as he curled up next to me on the bed. "Don't say anything."


	5. Chapter 5 What Happened Under The Ring

Author's note: I am sure that if you are reading this you have watched the episode of RAW from this last Monday. That is where the inspiration for this chapter of the story comes from and really it just reinforces my personal mantra, that wrestling slash writes itself. On Monday, Dean and Seth show up on the top of a ladder to attack Ryback after the lights had gone out. Where were they hiding? Presumably underneath the ring, where as I imagine it they had been hiding since before the fans filed into the arena that night. See, it writes itself...with a little help from rabid fangirls like me. Enjoy chapter five or as I like to call it "What Happened Under The Ring". Told from Seth/Colby's POV. Also, a big THANK YOU to all of you who have been reading and an even bigger THANK YOU to all of you who have reviewed. I love you all.

How do I manage to get myself into these situations? I am underneath the ring, it is about an hour and some odd minutes until I will be able to get out. It's not really the most comfortable place to have to spend several hours. It's a small cramped space. Not exactly where I would have wanted to spend the night, I'm pretty tall, I can't sit down. I've just been laying on my side for the last half hour or so. I sighed heavily earlier when they told the three of us we would have to be doing this. My heart sank into my stomach when they told me that Jon and I would be on one side and Reigns on the other. How could they be doing this to me? Really? It was like they were all in on the scheme with Jon. Like he had pitched this idea to them and they had loved it. "Let's have all of us hide underneath the ring, the lights go out, and then when they come back up, BOOM! There we are to attack!" I could hear it now. It really did sound like one of Jon's games.

It had only been last night when Jon and I had sex for the first time. When it was over we slept together in the bed. When I woke up he was gone. I got out of bed and into the shower. I could tell by the wet towels left across the bathroom floor that Jon had already been up and in the shower. That wasn't like him, usually I was up first when we were rooming together. I showered and when I finished I wrapped a towel around my waist and went back out to get some clothes. I was surprised to find Jon laying on the bed. He looked like a dream. It was almost unreal. He was laying on his back, stretched out on the bed. His arms crossed behind his head. His eyes closed. He wore those light colored blue jeans from the other night that looked like they had been made just for him and a white t shirt that was pulled up just far enough because of his stretched out arms to show the lower part of his torso. The morning light was shining just through the window, shining on him. It lit him up in the most delightful way. He had this little smirk on his face. I didn't think he knew I was there, I just stood still and stared at him for a few minutes. He looked so fucking beautiful, I didn't want to disturb him.

I tip toed over to where my bag was, not wanting to bother him. "I brought you some coffee." he said to me as he slowly opened his eyes. "And you don't have to stare." I sighed and smiled. I should have known he knew I was there.

That was all we had said to each other all day, with the exception of talking about work. It felt incredibly awkward, to be honest with you. Just like the day before, I had wanted to say all these things and ask all kinds of questions, but I held back. I figured I would let Jon do the talking.

So now here we were, both of us under the ring, waiting for our spot in the show. There was about an hour now until we would have to come out and do our thing. It was pretty dark under the ring, there was just a faint light where the ring apron didn't quite meet the floor and didn't quite meet the corners of the ring. I could see Jon, he was laying on his back. He was quiet. That was common, usually a few hours before a match or a show he was silent. He was an intense person about what he loved. I think that was one of the things that drew me to him. Jon had his arms crossed over his chest and was just laying there, still. I rested on my side, just watching Jon for several minutes when all of a sudden he turned his head and looked at me. I tried to pretend that I hadn't just been watching him as he lay there, but it was no use. I had been caught. Jon smiled at me. He shimmied over closer to me and propped himself up on his elbow. "I'm bored." he said to me. He smiled again and I swear I could see his blue eyes shine, full of mischief.

I looked down at my watch. "Less than forty five minutes left." I said. He was making me uncomfortable. I knew what he was thinking without having to hear him say it. I wanted to run away. I was so intimidated by his presence and his sexuality. Even after last night, I was still so apprehensive. I didn't know what it would take to make it fully go away. There was just something that was a bit unsettling to me, I knew that sex was a game to Jon and I wasn't sure how he liked to play. I didn't know if I wanted to find out.

Jon pulled me closer to him and kissed me. I let him just for a second before remembering where we were. "JON!" I said to him, pushing him back slightly. "No, we can't."

"Can't what?" he asked me, that grin still on his face. "C'mon. I just thought to kill some time we could enjoy each others company."

"No, no way." I said, shaking my head. "There are PEOPLE out there. Roman is right over there." I said as I pointed to the other side.

"He can't see us. He has no idea. And do you think those people can see us? That's absurd. That would ruin the whole illusion." Jon said calmly.

"NO. Just...no." I said. "I can't. I just can't. We can't. It's dangerous. What if we get caught?" I stammered out.

"It'll be fine. Just trust me. How many times do I have to tell you that?" Jon asked me.

"JON!" I began to say to him, but he wouldn't let me finish. Jon grabbed me and pulled me on top of him. He wrapped his legs around me and held me there. His hands held on to my face as he kissed me, hard and fast. I struggled slightly, trying to break his grip. "Jon, no. Let me go." I said to him, breaking our kiss.

"Just let it happen." Jon said, holding our bodies together still with his legs around me and his hands firmly holding my waist against his. He kissed me once again, his tongue finding its way into my mouth and meeting with mine. I didn't know what to do. He had me trapped and he knew it. In his sick way, that was what he liked about this. He knew there was no escape for me, I couldn't go anywhere and I couldn't make too much noise. And he knew that deep down, I didn't want to say no to him. I wanted him. He was hoping to have all the control again. He wanted my desire for him to trump common sense in the situation and go along with him. "It'll be fine. We aren't hurting anyone." Jon said, breaking me from my thought. His face and mine were pressed together, our noses touching, taking and releasing the same breaths. "I want you." he whispered to me, his fingers winding their way into my hair. "Kiss me." he whispered.

I couldn't help myself. As much as I wanted to escape I wanted him. I needed him. I just prayed we didn't get caught. I kissed him, Jon pressing up with his hips as I did. We laid there together like that, just kissing, rubbing our bodies together as we did. I lost all control of my common sense there under the ring kissing him. It was like there was no other person in the arena, just Jon and I. I forgot completely where we were as I began to move down Jon's body. He was wearing way too many clothes for my liking but I knew I didn't dare take too many of them off. I moved down to his torso, Jon's hands on my neck now. I slowly unbuckled his belt and took his pants down just far enough to be able to free his cock. It was hard and sprang to life as I let it out. I was burning up with desire now. I glanced over at my watch. We had about twenty five minutes. It made me nervous, but I pushed it to the back of my mind.

I took his cock's head between my lips and began to tease him. I was beyond turned on. Jon had a tight grip on my hair with one hand and my shoulder with the other. I began to suck slowly, up and down, taking him in more and more with each motion until I had him in as far back as he could possibly go. I could hear his moan, muffled slightly as the sounds of the crowd, the music, and what was going on in the ring right above us was much louder. He felt so good, his cock gliding against my tongue with each movement of my mouth and lips. Jon's grip on me got tighter and tighter as I progressed. I was loving this, I had been dreaming about this since last night when Jon wouldn't let me suck his cock when I asked. Now I was able, and it was beautiful. His cock filled my mouth, stiff and hot. I used my hand to gently reach down to his balls and play with them. It wasn't long before Jon came in my mouth. I sucked his cock for a little longer before remembering it was almost time to come out. I pulled his pants back up, zipping and buttoning them. I moved back up Jon's body. He grabbed me in for another long kiss. I moaned against his lips, my cock now straining against the front of my pants. "You're pretty good at that." Jon whispered to me. "How much time do we have?" he asked.

"Shit, only eight minutes." I replied.

Jon kissed me again. "You're hard aren't you?" he asked me then. "Hard as a rock?"

"Yes." I said.

Jon rolled out from underneath me then, laying on his back next to me. "You better get it under control before showtime." he said to me, smirking. "I don't think you want to go out there with a boner." I should have laughed, but it wasn't funny. I began to get angry when he leaned over to me, those eyes of his staring into mine as he pressed his palm against my cheek. "Don't worry. I'll take good care of you later." he said to me.

Showtime came. The alarm on my watch went off. We went to the edge of the ring apron and waited until the second when the lights went out, hurrying out from our hiding spot and up the ladder. When we were at the top we had just a few seconds before the lights came up. Jon reached over and grabbed my ass hard. I had to try to keep it together as the lights came on...


	6. Chapter 6

Author's note: I wish that updates could come a little faster. I was on vacation from work when I started this story and now that I have been back for a little more than a week there just isn't as much time. But I promise, there is more to come. I had been going back and forth in my head this week about how to write this next part. I wanted to try to write it differently, not from one POV or the other, but I have always written as "I", if you know what I mean, so it made me a little uncomfortable. But, I thought I would give it a go. I thought maybe it would work better for me, sorry if this is confusing to any of my readers. This part picks up right where we left off. Enjoy!

After the show it was no surprise to Colby that Jon didn't want to stick around. "Let's take off." he said to Colby as he grabbed his arm. Their eyes met and there was a look of understanding shared between them. Colby remembered the words from earlier when they were under the ring "Don't worry. I'll take good care of you later." Jon's words both excited and scared him all at the same time. He didn't know what to expect as they drove back to their room for the night. Colby couldn't shake the feeling of Jon's cock in his mouth, the taste of him still lingering somewhere on the back of his tongue. He could close his eyes and still feel it happening. He wasn't sure what was in store for them once they got back. Colby had a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach and he couldn't figure out why. Jon was driving them, this sort of satisfied smirk on his face. Colby wondered why he always had that smirk on his face lately. It was as though he knew something, something secret, something that nobody else knew or would understand, and he liked it that way. Colby wanted to be in on the secret, whatever it was.

When they got back to their room they were both quiet at first. Colby tried to settle in and stretched out on the bed as Jon was smoking a cigarette outside on the balcony. Colby stretched his arms over his head and got comfortable. He tried to make as much sense of what had transpired over the last few days as he could. His thoughts were still all jumbled, all foggy. There was this mess of questions, emotions, desire, and other feelings just all mixed together in his mind and he had no idea where to start. All that he knew in that moment was that he had loved the feeling of being with Jon last night. He had never had a sexual experience with anyone, of any gender, like that before. The thought of it made the knot in his stomach tighten just a little bit more. Jon came in then, interrupting his thought process. Jon got on top of him, his body hovering just above Colby's. "What are you thinking about?" Jon asked.

Colby smiled up at him. "You." he answered sweetly as he looked up at him. Jon was gazing down at him, a look of intense desire in his eyes.

"Listen, we have to have a discussion before we can go any further." Jon said. He slowly lowered his body down so that he was straddling Colby. Colby felt as though he might choke on his own breath. He had no idea what was about to come out of Jon's mouth. "Remember what I've been telling you?" he asked.

"Trust you." Colby answered. As he answered, Jon slowly, deliberately pressed himself against Colby, softly grinding their loins together. Colby pressed his head against the pillow and sighed.

"That's right. I keep telling you to trust me." Jon continued. "Do you? Tell me, Colby."

"Yes. I trust you. But I don't understand why you keep asking me that." he replied.

"I just want to understand before we keep going on with this, before we take it any further, that you trust me." Jon said. He reached down and used his hands to push Colby's shirt up his body, exposing his skin. Colby shivered, feeling both the cold air Jon had let in the room from having gone outside and Jon's fingertips on his flesh. "Let me explain to you how I see this happening." he said, pausing to lean down and press his lips to Colby's stomach, at the same time pressing down with his hips. Jon delighted in the soft moaning sound that his actions had caused Colby to let out. Jon smiled as he kissed along his lover's waistline because he knew that he had him right where he wanted him once again. "I think that I am pretty good at reading people." Jon continued, resting his chin against Colby's chest. "And I think that I know something about you that maybe you don't even know. I get the feeling that you've never been with anyone like me, and I want to give you the best possible experience with me that you can have. Is that something that you want?" he asked.

"Of course I do." Colby answered, looking down as Jon's eyes. "Of course I do." he said again, this time more softly. Colby reached down and ran his fingers through Jon's hair. Jon smirked once again. Colby ran his palm over Jon's face, letting his thumb trace across Jon's lower lip. He took Colby's thumb between his lips and gently kissed and sucked on it. His cock twitched as Jon did, he could feel himself starting to get hard.

"That's good, that's the answer I wanted to hear." Jon continued. "I want you. I want you to be mine. I need you and I want you to be mine and only mine." Jon said in his raspy voice. Colby could feel his hardness growing even more just listening to Jon's voice and his words. "I need you to understand what I mean when I say that, and I think you already know what I have in mind. I think you want the same thing that I do. I think we could be the perfect match for each other. But I need to know that you want this as much as I do."

Colby couldn't think. He couldn't breathe. He didn't know how to respond. He knew what Jon meant. He understood that Jon wanted to have all the control over their love making, if that was even what you could call it. He wanted Colby to completely surrender to him, to his will. The thought of it drove him wild with desire. He wasn't sure if he would be able to do it or not, he didn't know if he could keep up with Jon.

"I know you are probably intimidated, but you just have to let it go. Just trust in me, like I have been asking you. Just let me show you how it could be. I know you want this. I know what you want even if YOU don't. And I know what this could be, you and I together. So all you have to do is just tell me that you want this. Tell me that the answer is yes." Jon said, once again grinding his hips against Colby's. "Just tell me what I need to hear."

Colby's heartbeat was so rapid, his mouth was dry. He wanted to protest, to tell Jon that he didn't know if he had this in him. He didn't know if he could handle the experience. He wanted to grab Jon and kiss him, tell him yes. He wanted to give Jon all of him, tell him that he would do anything and everything that Jon desired. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't talk. He felt like he was frozen.

"Colby? I need an answer. If you don't want this, then we can stop. It can end right now. Just say so and I'll get off of you and leave and that will be it. But you and I both know that's not what you want."Jon said. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Colby's kissing him hard. Jon didn't want to let him know it, but he was starting to become nervous that he wasn't going to get the answer he wanted from Colby after all. "Just tell me you want this." he repeated.

Colby took a deep breath in. He opened his eyes and stared into Jon's own, trying to find the answer there. Jon's eyes were filled with desire, and Colby could feel Jon's cock hard against his leg. "Yes, yes. I want this." he somehow whispered out. He half regretted it, hoping that he hadn't just made a huge mistake.

"That's what I wanted to hear." Jon sounded pleased. "Sit up." he instructed. Colby sat up and Jon once again straddled him, their bodies meeting at the waist. Jon pressed them together as close as he could. He sat on his knees, pressing them hard against either side of Colby. Their bodies met, both of their cocks hard and stiff inside of their pants. Jon made quick work of removing both of their shirts. Jon wrapped his arms around Colby as he kissed him hard and fast. Colby found it hard to even take a breath as Jon assaulted him with his lips and tongue. Jon dug in slightly with his fingernails on Colby's back as he continued to kiss harder and faster.

Jon broke their contact then, causing Colby to let out a small sigh of disappointment. Jon stood up and Colby understood that the kissing portion of this was probably over, that look in Jon's eyes was serious now. "Take off the rest of your clothes." Jon instructed. Colby did as he was told, removing what he was wearing and sitting back down on the bed. He watched as Jon removed some items from his bag. He saw something that sparkled in the light but that he couldn't quite identify and a bottle. Jon climbed back on the bed with him, that smirk returning to his face as he glanced at Colby's hard cock. "I want to show you how I like to play tonight, Colby." he whispered softly in that sexy, harsh tone. "Lay on your back." Jon played with his nipples, reaching down and rubbing his thumbs against them. Colby moaned with pleasure, wondering how Jon knew that he loved to have his nipples played with. They were so sensitive, any kind of contact with them was an extreme turn on for him. Jon pinched them between his thumb and forefinger, loving the small moans that were coming from Colby as he began to tighten his pinch more and more. He brought his head down and took each one between his teeth, giving bites and nips to each one, left and right and then back again. Colby moaned louder and louder, trying at some point to reach down to touch Jon's cock. Jon took his hand and put it back on the bed, telling him firmly "Not yet."

Jon brought something up from behind him in his hand and Colby recognized it finally. Nipple clamps. Jon unscrewed each clamp on either end of the chain just far enough to open them slightly. He pinched them on Colby's nipples, taking his sweet time to tighten them to the point where Colby could feel the exquisite pleasure and sharp pain of the feeling on his nipples shooting from his chest all the way down to his cock, which was now hard as could be. Jon laced the chain between his fingers and gently pulled on it, causing Colby to slightly buck his hips up off the bed and hiss out between his teeth "Jesus Christ..." Jon felt his cock stand up at even further attention, seeing how much Colby was enjoying this little foreplay activity. He had no idea what was in store for him. This was only the beginning. Jon pulled more now, harder and further away from Colby's chest. Jon moved down his body, finding a comfortable spot between Colby's legs where Jon could still see his lover's face and had good access to the chain he was having so much fun pulling on. Jon continued to gently tug on the nipple clamps as he took Colby's cock in his mouth. He took his cock between his lips, sucking on it as he pulled down on the chain. Colby bucked his hips, trying to force his cock into Jon's mouth more. Jon stopped him and said yet again "Not yet."

Jon continued pulling on the clamps and teasing Colby's nipples as he also teased his head, flicking his tongue across the ridges of his cock. Jon stopped when he thought that Colby could be close to orgasm. He wasn't ready to let that happen yet. "Get on your hands and knees." Jon ordered. Colby obliged, his body trembling as he got into the position that Jon requested. Colby didn't know the last time he had felt his cock as hard as it was now. All of the stimulation Jon was providing had caused his body to shake gently. He felt Jon moving behind him. "Trust me." he repeated.

Jon began to rub oil across his back, gently rubbing it across his shoulders and down, oiling up his back and then down across his ass. It felt warmer and warmer against his skin as Jon pressed it in more and more. He felt Jon reach down with his oil covered hand and slick the length of his cock with it, letting out a moan as he did. Jon stopped to rub Colby's balls as well, using one hand to pull on them slightly and the other hand to pull on the chain of his nipple clamps. Colby thought that he would explode then, the stimulation becoming too much for him. Jon broke contact with his balls then, bringing his hand back up to his ass. He pulled on his nipples and ran his fingertips across Colby's ass. He rubbed his asshole with his fingers, Colby gently bucking his ass towards his touch. Jon reached down and tightened the clamps as much as he possibly could, the sharp pain shooting through Colby's nipples to his shoulders and through his stomach.

Jon played with Colby's asshole for what seemed like forever, sometimes just rubbing, sometimes inserting a finger. Jon then began to rub his ass cheeks hard, pressing them with his palms and sliding them apart slowly. His grip got harder and harder. Then, shocking Colby, Jon hit is ass hard, a loud sound echoing through the room as he did. Jon knew that even though he couldn't hear it, Colby had let out a loud moan of surprise and pleasure. Colby felt his cock swing as Jon again slapped his ass, hard. Jon leaned against him, slapping his ass hard, spanking him with one hand and pulling on the chain of his nipple clamps with the other. Jon leaned over, getting as close to Colby's ear as he could. "You love this, don't you? You love the feeling of being rock hard while I spank your ass and destroy your nipples, don't you?" he whispered harshly into his ear.

Colby could barely get out a "yes" as Jon continued to spank him and tug on his nipples. Colby had no idea how he had not cum yet, he had been on the brink about three or four times, but it was like Jon knew, he knew when to let up just enough so his orgasm subsided. Colby could fell his ass getting raw, he was sure it was bright red and would be swollen tomorrow, but he didn't care. Jon was right. He loved this. He loved the pain, he loved the pleasure, he loved submitting to Jon and letting him do what he wanted to him. Jon got off the bed then, telling Colby "Get up, get in the shower."

Colby turned on the water, waiting for it to get hot as he watched Jon stand before him in the bathroom and finally remove his own clothes. He stared at Jon's hard cock, happy to see that he was just as turned on by all of their playing as he was. They stepped in the shower, Jon closing the sliding glass door behind them. He pulled Colby in towards him, pulling his hair as he kissed him once more. Colby loved the feeling of his tight grip on his hair as their tongues danced together in his mouth. "Turn around." Jon ordered. Colby followed his order, Jon pushing him towards the tile wall. Jon lathered some soap between his hands and used it to wash the oil off of Colby's body, a somewhat sweet moment in this otherwise harsh exchange they had been having. Jon slapped his ass again, hard, almost just to remind him that there was nothing sweet about this. Jon laced his fingers with Colby's own, stretching Colby's arms up over his head and resting his palms on the tile. He positioned Colby's hips where he wanted them, just at the level of his cock. Jon pressed just the head of his cock at Colby's entrance, using his hands to run up and down the length of his torso, his chest, his shoulders. "Pretty baby" he whispered into Colby's ear once again, just as he had done last night. It sent a chill all through Colby's body as he did, his lips brushing against his earlobe and the words reverberating through his head.

Jon stepped back, lubing up his cock to ready it for Colby's ass. Colby took in a deep breath and held it there as he waited, his hands still pressed against the tile wall where Jon had placed them. He was too afraid to move them. Jon began to drive his cock into his ass, pressing in more and more until he was all the way in. He stopped then, just letting the full length of his cock press against the walls of his asshole. Jon leaned forward, again whispering to Colby "Tell me. Tell me you want me, tell me you need this."

"I do, Jon, I want you so much. Please, please fuck me." Colby pleaded. He braced himself against the wall with his palms as Jon began to fuck him, driving in harder and harder with each thrust. Colby's ass was on fire, between the spanking and the fucking, the pain was sharp. But the pleasure of Jon's rock hard dick pounding just the right spot inside of him was more than the pain could ever be. Jon fucked him, hard and fast, both of their moans mixing together until neither one was sure which sound had come from which. Jon wanted to fuck him silly, drive his cock into his ass until he could no longer take it and Colby's cock exploded all over the shower floor. Jon held on tightly to Colby's hips as he continued to fuck him, feeling as though they were both about to be on the brink of orgasm. Jon reached up and grabbed Colby's wrists, pausing for a moment. He pulled Colby's arms back roughly, securing them behind his body and holding them there, causing Colby to have only his face to brace himself against the wall with. The pain now had spread to his arms and shoulders as Jon fucked him, pulling back on his arms as he did. Colby's cheekbone began to grind against the tile, his entire body moving with each hard thrust of Jon's cock. He was helpless, defenseless. He had lost all control of the situation and he didn't care. Colby didn't care that his ass was on fire. He didn't care that his arms felt as though they were about to be pulled out of the sockets. Colby didn't care that he could feel the skin on his face being rubbed raw against the tile of the shower wall as Jon fucked him. All he cared about was Jon, and how good it felt to completely give in to him, give all of himself to him. Colby came then, feeling the cum spraying out of his cock, he couldn't remember the last time he had had an orgasm that hard or long. Halfway through feeling his own waves of pleasure washing across his body, he felt Jon release deep inside of his ass, pulling harder on his arms as he did.

Jon let go then, letting his cock fall out of Colby's ass. Jon grabbed his hand and held it in his, turning Colby around and pulling him closer. He pulled him in and kissed him, holding his face there against his own with his hands as he kissed him hard. Jon broke away then, glancing down at his hand. "You're bleeding." he said softly.

"Huh?" Colby asked him, still in a daze from what had just transpired.

Jon ran his hand across Colby's cheekbone as he felt Colby wince, and repeated himself "You're bleeding." Colby looked down at Jon's hand, there was a small streak of red across his palm near his thumb.

"Oh, yeah. It's okay. I'll be alright." Colby said, thinking that he could almost see a look of concern on Jon's face. "It's alright, it's just a small scratch, right?" he asked.

"Yeah, just a little scratch." Jon said.

"It'll be fine." Colby repeated. He wrapped his arms around Jon and closed his eyes, remembering how good the feeling of the hot water cascading over them both felt. He had forgotten that they were even in the shower. Jon ran his hand through his black and blonde hair once again, his face pressed against Colby's.

"Was it worth it?" Jon asked slowly. Colby opened his eyes to find Jon staring at him.

"It was worth it." Colby said. He knew that deep down Jon was worried that he had actually hurt him, that even though he put on this front that he was tough and that he liked to play rough in the bedroom, somewhere deep down he was soft. It made Colby smile to think that, he loved both of those sides of him and hoped that he would become more acquainted with both of them over time.


	7. Chapter 7

Author's note: This chapter picks up right where the last one left off. I hope that all of my readers are enjoying this story so far. Thank you to all of you!

Colby woke in the morning to the sun hitting his face. He turned over from his back to his stomach, burying his face in his pillow. As he slowly began to wake up, he remembered every little detail of the night before. His sore ass and throbbing cheek were reminder enough, but the sight of Jon laying there beside him still asleep was the most vivid reminder of all. Colby moved slowly, not wanting to wake his sleeping lover. He watched Jon as he took each breath in and out, the motion of his gorgeous chest rising and falling as he did made him smile this strange smile.

Colby didn't know what the name for this was, what the two of them were doing together, but he knew he loved it. The two of them seemed to have this strange mutual understanding and an uncanny link between each others mind. Without the words ever being spoken, Colby had known that Jon would want to be the dominant one in a sexual situation. Hell, anyone who spent more than a day with Jon could tell that about him. It was blatantly obvious. If you watched him and the way he spoke, the way he moved, just something about him...it just screamed dominance. But what had surprised Colby was how Jon had known something about him that he didn't know about himself. Jon had talked last night like he already knew the answer, that he knew what Colby wanted and needed, that he could give it to him. Good lord, could he ever give it to him. Colby felt as though Jon had awakened something inside that had always been there, it had just taken a man like him to bring it to light.

Before Jon, Colby would probably have only described his sex life as ordinary. He'd had about three serious girlfriends in his life, none of the relationships had lasted very long. Sex was sex. It was what it was. It was almost like a function, not unlike eating or sleeping. He did it because you should, that's what you did. It most certainly, comparing the two now the morning after, was NOTHING like the sex that he'd experienced with Jon. There was no comparison.

Colby stretched out in bed, relaxing and mulling over the thoughts he had about Jon. He watched Jon sleep there, his arm stretched over his body in the most delightful and sexy way. The sun shining on his hair, making the lightest strands of his dirty blonde mop of hair stand out even more. Colby carefully got out of bed eventually, cringing at the touch of his ass on the sheets. Jon had really done a number on him. He wondered if Jon's hand was as sore as his ass was this morning. Colby stood in front of the bathroom mirror looking at his face. He had a small, still fresh looking sore just above his left cheekbone. It was sightly painful, but it was a sweet reminder of the way it felt to have Jon take complete control of him in that shower. Colby couldn't help his curiosity any longer, he stood far enough ahead of the mirror and turned around, peeking over his shoulder. His ass was bright red. Colby sighed. "It's going to be hell wearing pants today." he said to himself. Colby turned around to see Jon standing there in the doorway, naked and laughing at him.

"Someone really did a number on your ass last night, huh?" Jon said, moving closer. "That's okay..." he whispered as he closed in on Colby's face, "...that's a good look for you." Jon finished as he kissed him. "Now go put on those pants you were talking about, we should go."

Jon and Colby went to the gym and then decided to sit down at a little empty café down the street for breakfast. Jon picked a secluded booth in the corner even though there wasn't another soul in the entire place. They sat across from each other and sipped black coffee, Jon reading a newspaper as Colby tried to think of a good way to start a conversation. He guessed that there was no easy answer, no good start. So, he should just start at the beginning. "Jon, can I ask you a question?" he asked softly.

Jon peeked over the top of his newspaper and nodded slowly. "When did you know that...well, shit, I don't know how to ask the question I want to ask." Colby said. He clutched his coffee cup between his hands, the warmth comforting his nerves.

"Just say it." Jon said from behind his newspaper.

Colby took a deep breath. He stared at whatever local car dealership ad was on the back page of the newspaper Jon was reading and began to talk. "It just seems like the last few days aren't real, you know? And we haven't talked about any of it, it bothers me. I like to talk about stuff..."

"Yeah, I noticed." Jon said sarcastically.

Colby frowned and stuck his hand through Jon's newspaper. Jon's face on the other side was much more surprised looking than Colby had imagined it would be and he had to hold in a laugh as he said softly "I'm trying to be serious, Jon."

Jon sighed and folded up his paper, setting it aside. He folded his hands together and leaned back in the booth, saying "Okay. You have my attention."

"Good." Colby continued. "I have no idea what's going on right now between the two of us. But I do know that I love it. I mean, doesn't it strike you as a little strange, I mean here you and I are friends and then just one day randomly in my kitchen you grab me and start kissing me? What the hell?"

"You didn't want me to?" Jon asked.

"No, that's not what I said." Colby stammered. "I just wasn't prepared for it. How do you prepare for something like that? You can't. You fucking can't. Don't you see how I'd be a little confused? When did you know you wanted to kiss me? I guess that's what I'm trying to ask here."

"I don't know, it's been a while. A year, more than a year. A few years, actually." Jon began. "It had been some time. I held it in for a bit, but there was something about that night when I kissed you, I came to the conclusion that if I didn't make a move, nothing would ever happen. If I didn't make this happen by kissing you, then it would never be anything. And I wasn't okay with that. I knew I couldn't let it happen that way. I was aware that I wanted you, and I had also somehow become aware of the fact that I began to feel that you felt the same way. But I knew you would never act on it, that's just not in your character."

Colby sat there on the other side of the table, almost in disbelief. What had he just heard? A few years? He didn't want to even think about the state of Jon's life a few years ago. It was a nightmare then. "So you just decided one day that you had feelings for me?" he asked.

"I had these urges, I had these thoughts. I had been through hell, you know that, and when I was beginning to feel like I had gotten back on my feet again, there you were. You were different. I can't describe it, how it felt. When I looked at you, I didn't see the person I had seen before. It was different. You were this object of desire. I wanted you. I didn't just see you as my friend, my acquaintance anymore. You weren't just the guy who I had occasionally worked with or sometimes travelled with. You weren't just the guy who picked me up off my bathroom floor..." Jon was going on and on, but as soon as Colby heard him reference that night, that horrible night, he had to stop him.

"Okay, alright. I don't want to talk about THAT." Colby interrupted him.

Jon stopped then, staring across the table at him. "Okay." he said slowly. "We don't have to talk about that if you don't want to. I didn't realize it made you that uncomfortable." Jon could see how Colby's expression had tightened just with the mention of that night years ago. He was staring down into his coffee, not even wanting to make eye contact.

"Well, it does. I just don't want to talk about it, not now. Not anytime soon." Colby said. Both men sat there quiet for a few minutes. Colby stared out the window, watching the cars pass by. Finally he broke the silence, asking "So, Jon...I knew that you were...I knew that you liked both, men and women. I mean, how do you...what makes you come to that conclusion? How did you figure out you liked both?"

"It's not exactly something you figure out, it's not a math problem, Colby." Jon said. "You just know. You understand. It feels natural. For me, I decided that I would love who I loved and fuck who I wanted to fuck, no matter of gender. It's about the person, not the sex. That's what I've always thought. Well, I thought that up until a certain point. Now I would say I stick to men. I'm done with women."

"What made you decide that?" Colby asked, mindlessly sliding his finger along the rim of his empty coffee cup.

"You've seen the promo I did years ago where I talk about shooting the girl's dog, right?" Jon asked.

"You really shot that girl's dog_?_" Colby asked, shocked.

"I did, I did." Jon said softly. "But there's much more to the story than that. I just put my own spin on it for my Jon Moxley character's promo. Yeah, I shot that dog. I had a good reason to. Jen was my girlfriend. She was a couple years younger than me and she had this dog, he was old. She'd had him since her childhood. He was like, thirteen or fourteen years old. He was sick. He had been sick. It was right before her final exams and high school graduation. I loved this girl, she loved me. But I hated her dog. The dog spent all night barking if he wasn't in the bed with us. So, at some point he took a turn for the worse, like I said, right before exams." Jon paused to take a drink of his coffee and catch a glimpse of Colby, his eyes transfixed on Jon as he told his story. "So, the dog is sick. He's slowly dying. Jen has no money to take him to the vet. She doesn't have the heart to put the damn dog to sleep anyway. It's the night before the big exam. I'm at her house. She's upset, she's crying. She's telling me she's at the end of her rope, she has no idea what to do. I see this, and like I said, I loved this girl. So, I tell her that I'll take care of it for her."

"So you killed the dog?" Colby asked.

"Yeah, I did. I waited until she was asleep that night. I wrapped the dog up in a blanket, took it outside, down the alley where it was common to hear gunshots. I took out my mom's gun and I shot the dog. I put him out of his misery. He was dying, slowly. She was hurting. I didn't want it to go on any longer, so I took care of it. I dug a hole in her backyard and buried the dog. So, morning comes and she freaks out. She can't find the dog. So I take her outside and tell her what I had done, and she goes ballistic on me. She freaks the fuck out. She tells me that she hates me. How could I have done this to her? How could I have killed her dog? She calls me every horrible name in the book, which was fine, I had been called all those things already at some point in my life. I just stood there and took it. I let her get angry." Jon continued. "She told me she couldn't believe I had killed her dog without even giving her a warning, without a chance to say goodbye."

"Jesus christ, Jon." Colby whispered.

"NO, wait. It gets better." Jon said as the waitress filled their cups up with coffee again. "She graduates high school, summer starts. She tells me that she loves me, that she forgives me. I even go to the animal shelter with Jen and help her pick out a puppy. Everything is fine, we go back to normal. Summer, girlfriend, yadda yadda. Then the summer is ending, she's getting ready to go to college upstate, I'm about to start wrestling...life is good. Or so I think. We have one last night of passionate lovemaking before she leaves for college. I tell her goodbye. We talk on the phone a few times, but that was about it. Then, six weeks later, she randomly shows up at the gym I'm training at on the weekend. Pulls me outside. Tells me she's pregnant. Well, that she WAS pregnant. Tells me she got an abortion. She tells me she killed our baby. AND that I deserved it because I had killed her dog."

Colby didn't know what to say. He sat there silent and waited for Jon to continue talking. "So, that was when I decided that I would never be with another woman again. It soured me just a little on women, you know.?"

"Yeah, I guess I understand." Colby said, but he had no idea. He couldn't possibly understand how it felt to have lived Jon's life. Jon had never told him that story before, in their years of friendship.

"We should probably go." Jon said then. "It's getting late in the morning. We have somewhere to be today and several hours of driving ahead of us."

"Yeah." Colby said as he watched Jon lay money down on the table. "Yeah." he repeated.

They walked back down the street to their rental car and got in, Jon driving. "Look, man. I hope I didn't freak you out with my story. I just wanted to explain to you where I was coming from." Jon said as he pulled his sunglasses on and started the car.

"It's fine, Jon. I'm not freaked out. It's alright, just a lot to process." Colby said. They drove for a long time, not speaking. Just enjoying each other's company on the open road. Colby began to drift off into daydreams at some point when all the stretches of highway and signs began to look the same. He thought about the next few days. One more show tonight and then they'd be on a plane back down to Florida. Jon and Colby lived about forty minutes away from each other. Colby began to wonder if they would see one another once they got home. He didn't want to take any chances. "Jon, we go home tomorrow. Would you want to come back to my place and spend a couple of days with me? I mean, if you want to. I was just thinking that it would be good to see each other and we don't live that close..."

"Yeah. That would be good." Jon said.

"Really?" Colby said, then realizing how pathetic he was beginning to sound. "I mean, yeah. Okay."

Jon laughed at him. "Do you really think that I would say no?" he asked.

"I dunno." Colby said. "Just one thing, though."

"What?" Jon asked.

"When we got there, stay away from my dogs."


	8. Chapter 8

Author's note: On with the story. Since all of you are reading this, I do hope that you are pretty familiar with Jon and Colby as they are known as wrestlers, I draw a lot of my inspiration for Jon from just watching his old promos, watching how he talks, his expressions. The way he moves, the way he describes in great detail things in his personal life, while I know they are probably somewhat embellished, that is where I have been drawing much of the inspiration for this story from. If you haven't seen any of them, I very highly recommend looking them up on youtube. He really is amazing to watch. Also in this chapter Colby's dogs make an appearance. I think he has at least four, look it up on his twitter. He has pictures. Enjoy!

"Fucking dogs." Jon thought to himself as he walked inside of Colby's condo. He could hear all four of them barking in the other room as they heard the door opening. It had seemed like forever, their trip back to Florida. Their flight had been delayed, so it was later than they had expected it to be when they finally arrived.

Colby wasted no time racing to his spare bedroom and opening the gate so his pets could escape, all four of them bounding into the living room where Jon was seated. Colby was right behind them. Three of the little dogs were barking and yelping at Colby, he was playing with them down on the floor like a little kid who just brought home his first pet. Jon had to admit, it was sort of cute. He then realized that the fourth little dog was just sitting on the carpet, staring him down. Jon scrunched his face at him and earned a few short, loud barks for his efforts. "What the hell is up with your dog? He's staring a hole right through me." Jon asked.

"I dunno. Maybe he likes you." Colby laughed in response. "Maybe he wants your attention. Maybe he wants to play with you."

"Maybe he hates me." Jon said softly. "Maybe he's the devil."

"What?" Colby asked.

"Nothing." Jon said, still watching as the little dog stared at him, his head cocked to the side. He again barked at Jon, this time standing up and stretching his front paws in front of him, posturing.

"You know, Jon..." Colby said as he picked up one of the dogs he had been wrestling around with on the floor, "...I happen to think animals can be a good judge of character. I think they can also be very therapeutic. Animals know what you're feeling, they can pick up on your emotions."

"So that's why this mutt won't take his eyes off of me?" Jon asked.

"I think he's just trying to figure you out, that's all." Colby answered.

One of the other dogs came right up to Jon and jumped on his lap, turning around a few times and finally settling in. "Jesus, Colby. I don't know how you can live with four dogs all the time." Jon sighed.

"What, you don't like animals? Cause...that's a REAL deal-breaker..." Colby asked.

"NO, I like animals just fine. Obviously not as much as you do. I'm just more of a cat person, I guess." Jon answered. It was true. If Jon had to have an animal, he probably would have picked one of the feline variety before any other. "I used to have a cat. I found his mangy little orange alley cat once, he reminded me of myself, so I kept him. I liked his laid back attitude, he was not demanding. Not like these dogs, they always want something." Jon said.

"It's a labor or love." Colby responded, smiling at Jon as he did. "This is Candy." he said pointing to the dog he was holding. "That's Bacardi on the floor."

"Bacardi?" Jon asked.

"My ex-girlfriend named her." Colby said. "That's Lola on your lap." he continued. Jon looked down and frowned at the little brown dog on his lap. "And that little killer you're so worried about staring at you is Kevin." Kevin barked at Jon again, still not having taken his eyes off of him. He made Jon feel uncomfortable. "Who wants to go outside?" Colby said sweetly, standing up and motioning towards the door. The other three dogs all ran after him, but Kevin was content to stay glued to his spot. "I'll be right back." Colby said as he led the dogs out the door.

"Fucking great." Jon mumbled to himself.

"Bark!"

"What? What do you want, you mutt?" Jon asked, leaning forward. Jon reached his hand out, offering it to Kevin. The dog's brow furrowed, he just stared at Jon's hand for a moment. He cautiously walked over to Jon's hand, sniffing it carefully. He sat back down, stopping to scratch behind his ear before returning to staring at Jon.

"Bark!"

Jon reached over and scratched his chin, Kevin pointing his face closer as he enjoyed the attention he was getting. Jon watched as the dog stood up, walked around in a circle a few times, and then sat back down in the same spot once again telling Jon "Bark!"

Jon shook his head. He wasn't going to bother to try to figure this animal out. Lord knows he didn't expect Kevin to begin to figure him out. Colby returned then, letting the other dogs off their leashes and having to almost drag Kevin outside. Jon was happy to get a break from the judgmental canine.

Jon stretched out on the couch and looked around. Most times when he had visited Colby's place, it was late at night or to come over with some of the other guys after shows to party. Looking around now, he realized he had never noticed how clean and well decorated it was. Everything was in its place. The walls were painted a light shade of blue. His furniture was crisp. Jon was sure his kitchen was clean, his bed was made. Probably the exact opposite of what his home looked like. It looked like someone took good care of their home, and themselves here. Not exactly the case back at Jon's.

Jon and Colby relaxed for the rest of the night. They talked about how good it was to have a few days off now, they had only been home one out of the last ten days now, the day that they shared that first kiss in the kitchen. Being up on the main roster was much more demanding than just working here in Florida and the surrounding area. They sat on the couch and ate Chinese takeout out of little boxes as they spoke about what they hoped the future would be like from this point on in their careers. No matter how different their lives may have been before they met, one thing always rang true. They both shared the same love for their profession. They had a mutual love for what they did, a passion, a drive to be successful. They shared the same dream. Jon thought about how happy he was becoming that he was now sharing it so closely with Colby. He hoped, somewhere deep down, somewhat selfishly, that Colby felt the same.

At around midnight, Colby decided for them that it was bedtime. He began to get ready for bed as Jon ducked out onto the balcony for one last cigarette before bed. Jon looked down to see Kevin sneak out the sliding glass door with him just before he pushed it closed.

"BARK!"

"Shit." Jon said, staring down at the dog. "Really?" he asked, then realizing how stupid it was that he actually was expecting a response.

"Grr...Bark!" Kevin said again.

Jon tried his best to ignore Kevin as he lit up his cigarette. He sat down on the porch swing as he inhaled, Kevin jumping up next to him and staring. "Okay, what?" Jon asked, no longer caring how stupid it sounded to be attempting to have a conversation with a dog. "What? What is it, boy?"

"Woof." Kevin said, holding up his paw.

"Jesus." Jon whispered. He petted the dog, rubbing his head and scratching behind his ears. He could tell it made him more relaxed. Jon felt himself smiling then. Kevin looked at him, raising his eyebrows as Jon continued to pet him. "You know what Kevin, I guess you're not so bad."

"Woof." Kevin responded.

"Yeah, woof." Jon said, laughing. "I did something not so good to a dog once, but it was out of pity. I didn't want him to suffer anymore, so I put him out of his misery. But it cost me. I don't know if it was worth it or not." Jon looked down at the dog. He had his head cocked to the side, a look on his face that Jon swore looked like he had been listening. "Anyway, you don't need to know about that. You'll never have to worry about those things. You've got a pretty awesome owner."

"Bark!" Kevin answered, almost as if to say he agreed.

"Bark indeed." Jon mumbled. "I guess dogs aren't so bad. You just wanted to come out here and keep me company huh? You're probably worried that I'm no good for your owner." Jon said. "Don't worry. I like him probably just as much as you do." he finished as he scratched Kevin's head some more.

Jon looked up from his cigarette to see Colby standing on the other side of the glass, smiling at them both. "Bark!" Kevin stood up at attention at the sight of him. Jon felt silly then, wondering if he had been there the whole time watching him have a conversation with his dog.

Jon looked at him standing there, he looked so sexy. He was shirtless, his mess of curly two toned hair draped over his shoulders. He wore loose pajama bottoms that were just low enough on his hips to make Jon's tongue curl in the most erotic way. Jon felt his lips stiffen and his body tense at the sight of this man, this fucking beautiful man that he had taken as his lover. Jon finished his cigarette and walked back in, Colby holding open the door for both him and Kevin. "Let's go to bed." Jon whispered, his fingertips brushing against Colby's bare stomach as he did. Colby felt that delightful jolt running through his body as Jon's fingertips made contact with his bare flesh.

Colby looked up at Jon, that look of desire spreading across his face as he saw how he had been gazing at his bare body. Colby grinned with anticipation. He felt tonight just a little bit less apprehensive than he had in the nights before. He wasn't sure what was different tonight, maybe it was that he was at his own home. Maybe he was just growing more comfortable with Jon. He didn't know the reason. He just liked it.

Colby began turning off lights and got all four of his dogs gated in the spare room for the night. He figured it was better to keep them contained for the night.

Colby wandered back through the hallway, looking for Jon. Jon grabbed him by the hand and pulled him into the kitchen, once again pressing him against the counter and kissing him. It felt even better than it had just a few nights before. Jon's hands were all over him, this time Colby being the one half naked. Colby let out a shocked yelp as Jon lifted him up and set him down on the counter. "This is where it started, isn't it?" Jon asked, that rough tone of his voice sending a chill right to Colby's very core. "Where I kissed you that first time?" he continued. He worked his hands through Colby's hair as he kissed and nipped along his collarbone and neck. "Tell me, tell me how it felt. Tell me what you were thinking." Jon begged as he gently bit Colby's neck and then used his fingertips to trace over the spots when he had finished.

"It was a surprise..." Colby whispered out somehow, "...but it was the best surprise. I was shocked, I mean, it was the last thing I was expecting."

"But you loved it, didn't you?" Jon whispered in his lover's ear. "You loved the way my lips felt with yours. Just like you do now, huh?"

"Yes." Colby sighed. Jon brought their lips together again, this time gripping his body tight as he kissed. Jon held on to Colby's waist tight, bringing them close together so that their bodies met at the waist. Colby cupped Jon's face in his hands, his fingers holding on gently behind his ears. Colby loved the feeling of Jon's two day old stubble as it brushed against his palms while they deepened their kiss. Colby could feel their exchange getting heated very quickly. "Bedroom" he whispered, feeling as though that was the only word they both needed to hear.

Colby led Jon to his bedroom. He sat at the end of the bed, pulling Jon's shirt up over his head. He ran his hands over Jon's beautiful body. It was perfect. Jon had let some of his chest hair grow back in over the last few months. Colby loved it. Jon's body had always been long and lean. It really was a thing of beauty. He wondered now why it had taken him so long to notice it this way, appreciate it in this fashion. He was muscled in just the right ways, his torso long and his arms tight and cut. Colby leaned back some, just taking in the sight of this man before him. "You look so fucking beautiful." he sighed as he leaned in towards Jon, meeting his chest with his lips.

He felt a small laugh escape from Jon. He felt Jon's hands on his shoulders, his grip firm. Colby ran his tongue up Jon's body, meeting his eyes with Jon's. He had that familiar smirk on his face.

Colby reached between them and rid Jon of his pants and underwear. There he stood before him, completely nude. It really was a thing of beauty. He knew that Jon had at times been somewhat self-conscious about his body. There were times when he had dropped weight and been made to feel like if he was just a little bit bigger or just a bit more muscled...then maybe he would be offered a job. Colby hated that thought. Looking at Jon now, standing there in the faint light of his bedroom, he was perfect. There was not a single thing wrong with this man and his body. He was beautiful. Colby wanted to tell him all this, but he didn't have the courage. He decided instead to show him with his body. He hoped the message would get across.

Colby stood up and pushed Jon down to the bed gently, switching places with him. Colby knelt down before him, leaving a trail of kisses along his inner thighs as he came closer and closer to his cock. Colby wanted to make this last as long as he possibly could, teasing Jon by kissing and touching all around his cock before finally beginning. Jon wrapped his hands around Colby's head as he began to suck his cock. Jon's grip was tight on his hair and as Colby began to take his cock in deeper and deeper he could feel his eyes begin to water a bit from the grip he had applied on him.

"Fuck, you feel so good..." Jon groaned out in his gruff voice as Colby continued to take his dick in faster and faster. He used his tongue up and down as he moved his mouth at the same time. Jon's grip on his hair was tight as could be now, pulling on it as hard as he could as Colby was sucking on his cock. Colby moaned against Jon's cock, loving the feeling that Jon had control over what he was doing. Jon began bucking his hips up off the bed, making his cock go further and further down Colby's throat as he kept that tight grip on his mess of hair he had his hands tangled in. Colby moaned more now, sending a deep chill all through Jon's body as he did.

Jon pulled him off, not wanting this to end quite yet. He pulled Colby up and positioned him on the bed where he wanted him. He took off his pants and reached down, gripping his already rock hard cock as Colby let out a hard sigh. "You want me to fuck you, huh?" Jon asked as he leaned over Colby's body. He had his lover on all fours, his cock in his hand still.

"More than anything, yes." Colby answered. Jon smiled at the answer.

"Are you sure you're ready?" Jon asked. "I don't plan on being gentle."

Colby bit his lip hard. He wasn't sure what Jon meant this time, but he was dying to find out. "I'm ready." he finally answered.

Jon took out the lube from beside the bed and began to ready Colby once again, using one hand to lube his ass and the other to get that same grip on his hair once again. Jon readied him, rubbing his fingertips against Colby's asshole and feeling the moan as it escaped from his lover. "You like that, you like it when I pull on your hair like this?" Jon asked, his voice harsh against Colby's ear.

"Yes." he whispered in response. "Please..." he pleaded.

"You love it when I have control over you? How it feels to know that I have the control and you're giving yourself to me, to do with you what I please?" Jon asked him, gently biting on his earlobe.

"Fuck, yes..." Colby moaned out.

"I'm going to keep my grip on your hair and I'm going to put my cock so far up your ass, I want to make you scream out my name." Jon continued in Colby's ear.

Jon began entering him, slowly making his way inside of Colby until all of his cock was buried deep inside. He let go of Colby's hair, switching hands. He gripped at his hair, wound it up around his fist at the base of his neck and held on like that, pulling back just slightly, making Colby's head jerk. His grip got tighter and tighter as he began fucking Colby's ass. Colby could feel the corners of his eyes begin to fill up, the slight pain from Jon's grip making his eyes begin to water once again. Jon let go for a moment as he began to increase his speed, Colby letting out a small sigh of relief for the momentary break. It didn't last very long, though. Jon replaced his hands, this time gripping them around his lover's neck. Colby felt his eyes widen as he realized what was about to happen. He felt Jon's breath on his ear again as Jon asked him "Do you trust me?"

Colby could barely squeak out a broken "yes" before he felt Jon's strong hands tighten their grip more and more. The act of taking in a breath was getting harder and harder, what with the combination of Jon fucking him hard and the grip that he had on his neck and throat. Colby couldn't help but feel slightly scared, he knew that Jon was strong. He knew how intense he could be at times. He had witnessed that he could sometimes lose his temper. He remembered how Jon always asked if he trusted him, and he felt as though he knew that Jon wasn't planning on doing him any permanent harm. And somehow, having Jon's hands wrapped tightly around his throat as he gave him the best fucking that he had ever had was such a dark, sick, twisted turn on for him that he knew he had to just let go of any fear he might have and enjoy it.

Colby could feel his face getting hotter by the moment, his breaths getting shorter and shorter as Jon's grip tightened. Jon moaned behind him, Colby could tell he was close to orgasm. Jon must have understood that they were both almost there, he removed one of his hands from Colby's throat, wrapping it around his cock instead and hoping it would bring his orgasm on at the same time as his. Jon kept a tight grip on the back of Colby's neck as he came, his dick deep inside of his ass as he did. He felt Colby cum across his palm as he continued stroking his cock.

Jon let him go then, turning him over so he was laying on his back underneath him. He kissed Colby, letting their tongues meet once again and play. "That was perfect." Colby whispered as he buried his face in the crook of Jon's neck. Colby stroked his fingers up and down the length of Jon's back, feeling each and every curve and line of his back and shoulders.

Jon laid himself down beside Colby. They wrapped up in each other in a mess of arms and legs tangled together. "Can you stay tomorrow?" Colby asked softly as he stroked Jon's hair.

"Yeah, I don't see why not." Jon decided.

"Good. You can help me walk dogs in the morning." Colby grinned.

"Ugh." Jon answered. "Okay, sure. Whatever you want."

"Really?" Colby asked, sounding excited.

Jon smiled at his lover then, taking his face in his hands. "Really."


	9. Chapter 9

Author's note: Here where I live in southwest Michigan, it's snowing lots for the first time this winter. I love it. I adore the winter, the snow and cold. For some reason it is some sort of odd turn on for me. Anyway...I was pleased to learn that our boys were in Alaska not long ago. Thought I would take the story there. There's a song I've been listening to lately, and I was listening to it while thinking of writing this. It's called "Nightengales" by Everett Thomas. Look it up on youtube. It's a beautiful song. It reminds me of these two in this story I have going on. This chapter is told from Colby's POV.

I woke up this morning with but one thought on my mind. "Jon." I whispered to myself as I slowly got out of bed. I thought about the last few days. Jon had been here with me, that first day we got home we spent the night together. I asked him to stay with me yesterday and he agreed. I woke him up in the morning, urging him to get dressed so we could start the day. I tried to not allow him to see how eager I was, but I think he caught on. I was selfish, I wanted to spend every moment I could with him that day. I didn't know how long this was going to last.

We got up yesterday, walked dogs. Ate breakfast. Went to the gym together. Spent the rest of the day just trying to relax because we knew that it was back on the road in a couple of days. Jon stayed with me most of the day, I can't say I wasn't just a bit disappointed when he decided it was time for him to go back to his own home. I wanted him to stay. Who wouldn't have wanted him to stay. He was my friend, one of my closest friends. He was one of my favorite people to work with. And now he was more, he was my lover. As soon as that door closed behind Jon as he left my mind started running through all these questions.

I sat around my house that night, just trying to escape from my thoughts. It was this strange feeling I had, like I was doing a math problem. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. I wanted to know what this was Jon and I were doing. I wanted to know now. I needed an answer. I almost called him, but I thought better of it. I knew that a phone call wasn't the right way to approach this. It would have to be a face to face conversation. The thought of that made my skin crawl a bit. It made me nervous when I talked to Jon about matters of our relationship, if that was what you called this. I was scared of what he would say. I longed to know, but something in me still couldn't help but think that maybe I was better off not ever asking those questions. I would hate myself if I disliked the answers.

_What am I to you?_

_Another crime to commit,_

_Piece of gold for a kiss or just a ghost?_

_What am I to you?_

_Another shroud for your eyes,_

_another brilliant disguise or just a ghost?_

_Oh, stop now._

_Don't you think I can't see right through your lips,_

_parading your burlesque truth of love._

_If you're going to shoot,_

_won't you take me to the garden where I can fall._

I knew that there was a chance that this wouldn't go as I was hoping, but I needed to at least stick my neck out and ask. I had heard stories about Jon over the years, I knew now how he liked to play in the bedroom. I was beginning to understand how this worked for him, at least I thought I was. I didn't know what I was going to find once I got deeper in this. I knew that I had been told some not good things about Jon and relationships he had with people. There had been several nights when some of the other guys would tell me tales of Jon and his long string of ex-lovers. Thinking back about it now, they were all male but one, all but Reby Sky.

Jon told me he didn't have sex with her. I heard other people's versions of the story though, how after their angle in the ring had ended she pursued him relentlessly and how he was none too kind in letting her know that her advances were unwanted. I had been told about someone walking in on the two of them, Reby down on her knees in front of Jon, Jon getting just a bit too rough with her in trying to get her away and the situation ending in Reby having a bruised up arm and Jon a black eye from her having punched him.

Jon told me that he had grown so frustrated with her, her endless advances. How one night she tried her damnedest to suck his cock backstage after a show and that then and there he decided he couldn't take it anymore. He admitted he was a bit too rough with her, but I supposed I could see where he was coming from. At the time I told him I didn't care about his personal problem with her, that was his business. Now I began to wonder if that was the whole story or not.

When I started working with Jon more and becoming closer friends with him, some of the other guys that were not fond of him tried to, I guess, warn me, for lack of a better term. They told me Jon had a bad attitude, he was hard to work with. He liked to manipulate people and twist his relationships with them into what he wanted them to be, using them. I didn't know what to think at the time. As I got to know him better, I pushed it to the back of my mind. I liked him, he was my friend. I had respect for him. I didn't care if other guys had experienced something different from Jon, I was liking getting to know him and I'd never had a negative experience, so I let it go. I wondered now, the way things were, if this was one of those situations they had told me about. I prayed it wasn't.

I had a hard time sleeping that night, I thought of Jon at home in his own bed and racked my brain pondering what Jon might be thinking about. I wished that there was some way for me to better understand where he was coming from. I liked to think we were on the way there, but I knew there was a long way to go. I tried to weigh whether or not it was worth it, my heart longed to believe that it had to be. It wouldn't feel like this if it wasn't.

I woke up in the morning feeling as though I had barely slept at all. I had to get up, I had to get going. I was meeting Jon at the airport today. We were headed for Alaska. I was excited. Neither one of us had ever been there. We would be doing three nights of house shows there. I thought about all the things I had been running over in my mind to talk to Jon about once we got there and were alone. I knew there was a good chance they would never come out, that I would think better of it and never ask these things I longed to ask about us. I reminded myself that I had to stay strong.

_What am I to you?_

_Another break for your fall,_

_another muse on your wall,_

_or just a ghost?_

_All I am to you is your silent melody,_

_your broken revery or just a ghost._

"Jon! You have to see this." I yelled from our hotel room balcony.

I had barely put down my things when we got to our room. I was so hyped up to be here. There was just something about the cold weather that made me feel different. How it would penetrate you, make you feel as though it could reach down and chill you to your very core. I liked that idea. I took off my coat and walked over to the balcony, opening the curtains and expecting to see just another parking lot or the backside of a building. That was for sure not what was on the other side this time.

"What are you doing out there with nothing but a t-shirt and jeans on?" Jon yelled back. "Jesus Christ, you'll freeze."

I didn't care. It didn't matter that all I had on was my t-shirt. It was so fucking breathtaking of a sight to behold out here, I had forgotten about how cold it was. "Come look." I begged him again, louder this time.

"Alright, alright" he said. Jon stepped out to join me, his gloves and hat on, his big ridiculous winter coat zipped up so it half covered his face.

"Isn't it beautiful?" I asked him, my face beaming. Jon looked out at what I saw. It was snowing softly, the wind blowing it around just a little. There was a mountain in the far off distance to the right and to the left was the most gorgeous section of snow covered trees. It was like something out of a painting, a christmas card, or something that you only dream about when you think of somewhere that's snowy and cold. "Look at it, Jon. Isn't it amazing." I asked.

"Yeah, it's nice." he said softly. Jon stood behind me, our bodies pressed together. "Can we go back in now?" he said after a few moments.

"No, not yet. I'm not ready." I answered. I tried to pretend I wasn't let down that Jon wasn't as in love with the scenery as I was.

"It's cold." Jon whispered to me. I felt him behind me unzip his coat and reach around me. He put his hand in his pockets and hugged me to him, we were as close as we could be. He wrapped his arms around me so that we both stood there wrapped up in his coat. I relaxed against him, my heart melting with the thought of this warm gesture that Jon had given me. We just stood there silent for a few moments, my head against Jon's shoulder and his face leaning against mine. I didn't know what came over me then, I just got this bold feeling rushing through me. My senses became heightened and I could feel every flake of snow as it fell on us and hear Jon's breath as it gently left his body. I felt something like electricity pulse through me as I decided that now would be a good time to have that conversation I had been thinking about the last day or so.

"Jon, what are we doing?" I asked him softly.

"We're standing out in the snow for some reason?" he replied. He was trying to be cute. I didn't want any of that.

"NO, you know that's not what I mean." I said to him, turning my head so that I was facing his face now. "You know what I was getting at, I want to know what this is. What are we doing? Where is this going? What do we call this?" I asked.

Jon sighed. He hesitated before giving an answer. It was killing me. "I don't know how to answer questions like that, Colby. I really don't. Can't it just be what it is? Just let it happen. Don't think about it that way. Don't spend your time worrying about things like that. I don't think that it's necessary to put labels on things, I don't like to do that." Jon said as he pulled me in tighter. "I don't know what this will be. I don't know what we call this. I don't want to think about it that way. All I want, all I want is to be with you right now. That's where this is. I know that I want you and you want me, and I think we like it this way. I think that all we need to concentrate on is the here and now. Just take it day by day and step by step. Jesus, now I sound like an after school special or somebody's dad or some shit..." Jon said as he trailed off.

I laughed lightly. I guessed that I understood what he was trying to say. But I still couldn't help but feel that it was an easy answer, a cop-out almost.

"Look, just let it happen. We can't control it, we shouldn't try to manipulate it. Just let it take it's course and we'll find out when we get there." Jon said.

_Oh, stop now._

_Don't you think I can't see right through your lips,_

_parading your burlesque truth of love._

_If you're going to shoot,_

_won't you take me to the garden where I can fall._

I stood there silent. I was still taking in his words. I didn't know what to say to him. I wasn't sure if he was just trying to tell me what he thought was best to say, or what he thought I wanted to hear. I didn't even know what I wanted his answer to be, really. I hadn't thought of it. I didn't know if I liked it or not. I supposed that Jon made sense. Just let it be what it will be. That sounded good, I guessed.

"You just have to trust me, I don't know if I say that to you too much or not." Jon continued. "Just put your trust in me. I won't hurt you." he whispered into my neck as he hugged me to him as hard as he could. "I promise."

It made my heart race to hear him whisper words to me like that. It made me want to tell him that I believed, I trusted him with all of me. I knew that was what he wanted to hear. That was what I wanted, too. But I was ever apprehensive.

"What about in the past, did you tell your other lovers the same thing?" I asked him, not even sure where the thought had come from. "Did you ask them to trust you? Did they?"

"Colby, why would you ask a thing like that?" he said to me. I could feel his voice change a bit with that statement. "People that I may have been with in the past, they aren't you. You don't need to worry about them. I didn't care about their trust. I am asking for yours, I need to know that I have earned yours. That's what I am asking for. THEY were not YOU. THEY are not YOU. There is a reason why I never stayed with any other man I have been with. I like to believe there's a reason why I'm standing here with you now. But...you have to trust me."

"Why? Why are you standing here with me now? What makes me so different? How do I know that I won't end up like one of them one day? Just a man you fucked for a little while and then decided you were tired of so you let him go, is that it?" I asked him quickly. I didn't even know where I found these words, they just came to the surface and made their way out.

I looked over at Jon, he was frowning as I saw him trying to figure out the right words to use. "I'm standing here with you now because I want to be. I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be, you know that. I come and go as I please, and if I decide that I don't want to do something, then I'm not doing it." Jon said, taking a deep breath as he continued. "And if you need to ask me what makes you different from someone else, then I don't know what we're doing here. You're not like anyone else, and everyone else isn't like you. I stand here with you because I want to be here. I don't see you as just someone to fuck and throw away. If that was the case, then I would have. I would have taken what I wanted from you and that would have been it. I wouldn't have stuck around and I wouldn't be here now."

_All I am to you is your vanity score._

_All I am to you is your statue cast stone._

_All I am to you is your desire for more,_

_fiery pit, your endless regret._

_Your self righteous love,_

_your crime to commit._

We stood there silent. This had taken a turn that I hadn't expected it to take. I didn't know what else to say. "I don't like for you to talk like that." Jon said finally.

"Like what?" I asked him.

"Like you've already decided that you would end up like other men I've been with. Like...like you've already decided that I'm going to hurt you. That I'm going to let you down. That somehow this won't work, that I'll fuck it up." Jon said softly.

I swallowed hard. "How do I know you won't?" I asked him.

"You don't." he whispered in my ear. "You don't. I don't. But you have to at least give me a chance. Don't bring us to the finish before we've even begun. It's not fair to either one of us. You just have to trust me."

We just stood there, looking at each other. I couldn't tell if that dreamy look in those blue green eyes of his was genuine or not. I didn't know if this would work or not, I didn't know whether or not both of us would end up hurt one day. There was no way to know, Jon was right. But for now, despite my doubts, I decided to listen to him. "I trust you." I whispered. I hoped with all of my heart that neither one of us would come to regret any of this.


	10. Chapter 10

Author's note: This chapter is going to explain the few times in the story I have mentioned Jon's past, where I have eluded to a time when Colby found Jon at a low point in this life. This will explain all of that. There are some dark things in this chapter, just a quick warning. I hopefully can separate things in the right way so that it all makes sense to you all as you read it. I've separated it by year and things that happen in 2008 are italicized. It will switch back and forth between present day and then to the past which will be told from both POV's at points.

"Bourbon!" Jon announced, slapping his open palm down on the bar. Then blonde on the other side waiting on him smiled sweetly. "The good stuff." he continued, smiling back.

"Kentucky Spirit?" she asked him, holding up the bottle.

"Keep it coming, sister." he said.

It had been a week and a half since they had worked the shows in Alaska. They were finally back home in Florida now, and out for a night on the town. Jon, Colby, Roman and some of the other FCW/NXT guys. Jon had this odd feeling about things ever since that night out on the balcony, talking with Colby, he just couldn't shake it no matter how he tried. So, he was going to attempt tonight to do to the feeling what he used to do with his feelings a few years ago...drown it in booze.

Jon took his glass of bourbon back to the table and sat down beside Roman. He took a long drink, the bourbon tasting like a sticky sweet mix of brown sugar and citrus. It burned in the best way as it went down.

Jon couldn't help but be a bit disturbed by the way Colby had talked to him that night. Jon left that conversation feeling as though his new lover was much more apprehensive about their union than he thought he was. Jon thought of those words, those questions.

"_What is this...what are we doing?" _Just the way he had asked the question...maybe Jon was wrong, but the way it sounded to him made him think that part of Colby wasn't even sure why he was doing this. Jon didn't know how to answer those questions that night. The thought of putting labels on things didn't appeal to him. It didn't need a name, not the way Jon looked at it. It just WAS. It was Jon and Colby. That was all it needed to be. He couldn't help but think that answer wasn't good enough for Colby.

"Colby." Jon mumbled into the rim of his glass. He knew that his partner was around here someplace. He scanned the bar looking for him. What he found when he saw him wasn't quite what he was expecting. Jon sighed and took a long drink. There was Colby, at the corner of the bar, standing beside his ex-girlfriend.

Arianna. Colby's ex. They had been broken up for a while. He broke it off with her, if Jon could remember right. She wanted things to be more serious and wanted him to be home more than he was able to be, so he ended it with her. Now, there he stood, his hand on her arm as they spoke. They stood close to each other, smiling and talking. Jon frowned. He was always the jealous type. Not that he saw her as any kind of threat, but still. It was a bit of a disturbance to see the two of them exchanging pleasantries.

Jon finished off his bourbon and went back for more. He slumped back down in the chair beside Roman once more, sure that there was a sour look on his face as he watched his lover and his ex still talking.

"_Oh, Colby...I've missed you so much..."_ Jon imagined their dialogue as he watched their lips move.

"_Yeah, me too baby."_

"_Uh...maybe if I wasn't such a clingy cunt when we were together then you wouldn't have broken up with me..." _

"Jealous much?" Roman asked Jon. Jon frowned as he turned to look at him.

"You weren't supposed to hear that." he said.

"You just keep drinking, maybe that will make it sting less." Roman said, patting him on the shoulder. "You understand that's his ex for a reason, right?"

"Mmmmppphhh." Jon said, not sure how else to respond as he took a long drink.

"He's very fond of you." the bigger man beside Jon continued.

"Yeah, we'll see about that." Jon answered.

_2008_

"_Whiskey!" I said as I pounded my fist against the bar. The brunette on the other side gave me a sour look as she poured my Jack Daniels. Why the hell was everyone so sour? They didn't know the meaning of sour. I had a fucking reason to be sour if anyone ever did. _

_I pounded my first glass of whiskey and waved it in front of the brunette, urging her to refill it. I was only beginning. She was going to be sick of me real quick tonight. I didn't give a fuck. I didn't care about myself, and I sure as hell didn't care about anyone else. I used my next glass to wash down three or four or maybe seven pills I had fished out of my pocket. The Jack wouldn't be enough to numb me tonight. Not after the last few months._

_I sat in this bar in Cincinnati, surrounded by some of my friends, some people who claimed to be my friends, some people I had only just met recently, and some other motherfuckers I didn't care about. I sat down beside a few of the other guys and continued drinking as I thought about how I had gotten here._

_Just a few months ago, I had gotten back from Puerto Rico. It all started down there. I had too much freedom. It was the first time in my life I had experienced a little success and the first time I had more money than I knew what to do with. Wrestling there in Puerto Rico, lots of the guys had bad drug problems. It was easy to get them down there. They were on almost every street. So, of course, being the guy that I am...I took what was available to me. I would get up in the morning, hit the gym, hit the dealers. Take pills, snort coke, drink beer. I did this for months while I was down there. I spent every dollar to my name. Came back with nothing. Nothing but a habit._

_I had gone broke. Had a nasty pill and blow habit. Had started drinking heavily. I hadn't bothered to eat most of the time while I had been down there so I had lost about thirty or so pounds. I was skinny. I was broke. I was a junkie. I had no job. I had no family. I had no wrestling. Somehow, in all of this I had managed to fuck that up too._

_When I came home from Puerto Rico, I was expecting to go back. Well, that never happened. They decided not to bring me back. I got a call after having been home for a few weeks from a WWE agent, wanting me to come and do a local dark match after watching a tape of myself wrestling I had sent them. I had hoped that this would be the thing to turn it all around for me. I worked hard that night, I tried my best. I wanted this with all of my heart and soul. I breathed and lived wrestling. _

_They told me after the match that I wasn't the guy they pictured, that I couldn't possibly be the same guy that had sent in that tape. I tried to explain to them about my weight loss, making up some bullshit story about personal issues and wanting to be in better shape. I knew they wouldn't buy it. They told me to give them a call when I had gained some of the weight and muscle back. They sent me off with some "enhancements" and I was on my way. I was so pissed that next day when I got home. I almost shut down. They only things that kept me going were my addictions. _

_I knew that I was a mess, I just didn't care. I didn't care enough about myself to care. I didn't know my dad. My mom was an alcoholic and a junkie, just like I was becoming. Why the hell did I ever think I could make anything out of my life? My dream had been crushed. What the fuck did it matter now? Nothing was important now. Nothing._

Colby could feel Jon staring at him from across the bar. He had a hunch that seeing him standing here talking to his ex-girlfriend was making Jon's blood boil. Or maybe he had enough to drink by now that it didn't matter anymore. It wasn't like he was doing it on purpose. Arianna was his ex, but he was still friendly with her. What was he supposed to do, not acknowledge her? Colby knew that he would hear about it later on that night. He was sure. He glanced over as Jon as his ex rambled on about something or other. Jon and Roman were sitting together, talking. Jon had a funny frown on his face.

About an hour or so must have passed and Jon knew he was drunk. He had lost count of how many glasses of bourbon he had consumed. Colby sat beside him now, looking at him strangely. "Jon? You're drunk."

"Yes." Jon mumbled. "Yes." he nodded.

"Why don't we go back home?" Colby asked, putting his hand on Jon's knee under the table.

"Go home? Go home?" Jon said, beginning to slur his words a bit. "Shit, Colby. I thought maybe you would want to stay a little longer and talk to that ex of yours some more."

Colby frowned. "So that's how it's going to be." He couldn't pretend that it didn't hurt to hear him say that.

Jon shrugged his shoulders. He was drunk enough that he didn't care if he hurt someone's feelings or not.

"Let's just go." Colby said, looking at Jon. His usually bright blue eyes had a strange glazed over look to them.

"Fine. Let's go." Jon decided.

_2008_

_I'm not really a drinker. I didn't get the appeal of it. I had only just turned twenty two a few weeks ago. Everyone always wanted me to go out to bars with them. It was fun sometimes, but I guess I just didn't see the appeal. It was more fun to be the sober one who got to retell all the details the next day to all the drunk friends he had been out with. I sat beside Jimmy Jacobs, my former tag team partner and the guy I was currently feuding with all over the Midwest independent wresting scene. Most of all, he was my friend. He had persuaded me to come out tonight. There was a big group of us tonight. Lots of guys I knew, a few guys I had only just met. Then there was Jon. I had met Jon a few times, he was a casual friend at best. At the beginning of the night, Jimmy warned me about Jon. He told me that he was going through a rough time in his life right now, that he knew he would probably end up getting piss drunk and causing a scene, like he had been doing most every night lately. _

_I just shrugged it off. If he wanted to act that way, that was his business. I sat there at the table with the other guys, watching Jon standing at the bar. I watched him order glass after glass to drink and at one point swallow something I saw him remove from his pocket down with the alcohol. I scrunched my nose at him. He seemed like a good guy. All of us had seen him wrestle, and he was really good. He had a ton of potential. He was great on the mic. He had a good look. Well, he used to have a good look. The way he looked tonight was sort of a shell of the man I had first met about a year ago._

_Jon looked sad now, inside and out I was sure. He had lost most of the muscle he had built up over the years. He looked sick and skinny. I had heard that he had a drug problem, and now I was sure they were right. There was no point that I looked up and there wasn't a glass in Jon's hand. _

_As a little more time passed that night, more details started to come out about Jon and his current state. I was told by a few of my fellow wrestlers he had come close to making it, but that they had told him in the state he was in now, there was no way they could take him. I felt bad for him in a way. Every one of us in our group of friends had the same dream. We all felt for each other when we saw one of us getting it snatched away. I looked at him again, slumped further over the bar now, the glass in his hand almost shaking. To me, he looked like a man who had given up. _

"Don't pick a fight with me, Jon. You're drunk. Can't we talk about it tomorrow when we're both rational human beings?" Colby pleaded with Jon. He knew that Jon was a much more intense, exaggerated version of himself when he had been drinking too much. He didn't want to talk to THAT Jon tonight.

"I don't think it can wait until tomorrow. I just want to know what you talked about, that's all. You two just looked so cute and cozy with your hand on her arm..." Jon slurred out. It was getting harder and harder to be nice to Colby as he kept on, the jealousy he felt from seeing the two of them talking earlier tonight boiling to the surface and making its way out his lips. Jon wasn't trying to pick a fight really...okay, maybe he was. No, it wasn't really an argument he wanted. He just wanted to get a reaction out of Colby. He just wanted to make something happen. He wanted for Colby to say something, anything to make him feel alive, be it good or bad, either way.

Colby sighed. He looked over at Jon, he was laying on the bed shirtless, staring up at the ceiling. He might have looked more beautiful in this moment if he wasn't busy being such a jealous asshole. "We didn't really talk about anything. We just did the whole 'Hi, how have you been? What's new with you?' and such dance. That was it. Fuck, Jon? Why do you have to be this way? Why are you such a jealous person?"

"I think you're leaving out some parts of your conversation with her, aren't you? The parts where you said how you'd started up this new relationship but you weren't really sure if you liked the guy or not...you weren't sure why you were even with him...you were sure that it wasn't going to last much longer because you were sure he would somehow find a way to fuck it up like he had done with every other thing in his life..." Jon's voice got louder and louder as he sat up in bed and berated Colby with his insanely jealous, drunk ramblings.

"That's not true and you know it." Colby said softly.

"...how you liked women better anyway..." Jon continued. "...how you thought that I was nothing but a fuck up..."

"STOP!" Colby yelled at Jon as he slapped his leg with his palm. "Just stop now, dammit. I hate, HATE when you drink this much. I fucking can't stand it because you get to a point where I can't even rationalize with you anymore. And then you get mean, and I don't like it. You say things you don't mean sometimes. And I don't even like to look at you, it just reminds me of that night..." Colby trailed off then, staring down at the carpet of his bedroom floor.

"Of what?" Jon asked.

Colby let out a heavy breath. "It reminds me of that night. When you get drunk it reminds me of that night almost five years ago now. I hate it, I don't want to be reminded of it..." Colby could feel his voice start to break as he thought of it. That had been a horrible dark time in Jon's life that he had been there to witness and he hated to think of his friend, now his lover, in that way. He would just as soon forget about it. Colby felt his mouth go dry and his fists clench as he thought about it.

_2008_

_I made quick work of another glass of whiskey as I looked around the table of my friends and co-workers. They were wrestlers, all of them. I guess I can't really call myself that anymore. I hadn't wrestled in months. I had lost the desire. I knew that in the state I was in right now, there was no way anybody would hire me anyway. I was too strung out. I was too skinny, I had lost too much muscle and strength. I had fucked up all aspects of my life. I didn't care. I just wanted to give up. I had never felt so defeated in all of my years, the twenty three years up to this point. Through all of the things I had been through, this would be what brought me down? Seeing my mom on the street corner so she could pay our rent. Having to get my ass kicked on a weekly basis by the drug dealers on my street. As a teenager having to sell drugs for them and then not being able to keep any of the money and getting my ass kicked anyway. Getting fed up and leaving home my junior year of high school and graduating as a homeless kid. I had survived all of those things. I didn't know how to get through this, this ultimate feeling of defeat and being lost in my addiction, and to be honest, I had stopped trying. _

_I had been just floating through my life, somehow managing to wake up every day and not knowing how. I would start off each day with a bottle of Jack and a cocktail of pills. As the day dragged on someone would bring some coke, or more pills. There was never a time when I was sober, when I felt like I was myself anymore. I had lost that person, he was gone. I didn't now how to get him back. _

"Why does it make you so upset to talk about that?" Jon asked softly, figuring he had better let up a bit on the jealous talk. He could tell by the tone of Colby's voice he was upset now, Jon had pushed him and he wasn't sure if he'd brought them to a place where Colby wanted to be. Never had the two of them discussed this incident, with the exception of the day after it happened. If Jon had brought it up, Colby would tell him that he didn't want to talk about it. Jon had never pushed him, until now.

"WHY WOULDN'T IT?" Colby yelled at him, turning to face him now. "Jesus, Jon. Who would be happy to relive that?"

"It happened, what happened between us that night happened. There is no way to take it back. I'm not proud of the person I was then, you know that. But it happened. And we both have to live with it, we can't just act like it didn't happen..." Jon said.

_2008  
_

_I hadn't seen it coming, but sooner rather than later all hell had broken loose. Jon and Sami Callahan had disliked the way some other guys at the bar were looking at them and it quickly escalated into an all out bar brawl. I just watched, I didn't want to be any part of it. I made my way outside eventually, just watching as everyone got separated and kicked out. For some reason, Jimmy thought it would be a good idea to go back to the house Jon and Sami shared, it was close by so the idea was we could go there and party now that we had been kicked out of here. Yeah, seemed like a great idea. _

_We all piled into the basement at Jon and Sami's house. I can't say we didn't have fun, we did. We all talked and laughed, discussed wrestling and things of that nature. I looked over at Jon, he was sunken down into a recliner next to their makeshift bar. Of course, why would Jon want to be far from the booze? Looking at him, something just disturbed me. Jon had big, bright blue eyes. They were so expressive. They were downright wild when you got him going, when he was passionate about something. Not they looked dull, sunken in. He was for sure not that same guy I had met a year ago. I didn't know this Jon. _

_My eyes widened as I watched the rest of the night progress. More and more booze was consumed. The pills were brought out. Some lines of coke were distributed amongst us. What the hell was going on here? Was I the only sober and rational person in the room? I wanted to scream at every one of my friends, shake them and ask what the fuck was wrong with them. But, I just frowned and shook my head when anything was offered to me. That was not a road I was willing to go down. I liked experiencing life as it was, not under some drug and liquor induced cloud. _

_It got to be the wee hours of the morning, two or three o'clock. Jimmy told me he was going with some of our other friends where they could get some weed and party some more. I shook my head when he offered to take me with them. "No, I'll be okay..." I said. Sami left with a random girl who had come back with us, heading to her house for the night. I shook my head. What a fucking mess. Was this really the life these people lived? I just didn't understand. _

_Jon was gone, I had no idea where he was. I waited until I thought everybody else had left, I didn't want to be offered any more drugs or be invited to another after-party. I was done. Or so I thought. I was close to being out the front door when I heard banging around down the hallway. "SAMI! MAN, SAM!" I heard Jon yelling. I sighed, my hand on the doorknob. "SAMI! I need you man!" _

_'Don't turn around. Don't do it. Just leave.' I said to myself. I knew that Jon was out of it, I knew that fucked up was not even close to describing the state he was in now. I knew that he was not okay. But I didn't want to turn around, I didn't want to see him like this. It wasn't even Jon, it was just a shadow of the man Jon used to be. I sighed. I heard him still yelling and now banging on the wall. I shook my head. I shouldn't have cared. I had no obligation to him. I didn't have to check on him. Yet somehow, I knew that if anything bad had happened to Jon, I would have felt like shit. Like maybe, since I was the last one here, I could have done something. So, I turned around._

"I don't want to act like it didn't happen." Colby yelled. "I just don't like to think about it. It's not something I like to bring to the surface. It's not an enjoyable memory, Jon."

"I know, don't you think I fucking know that?" Jon asked, getting angry now for no apparent reason. Maybe it was the bourbon. Maybe it was the fact that Colby had raised his voice to him. Maybe it was because even though Colby was facing him, he refused to look at him.

"Look...I don't like it when you get drunk and act this way. It just brings back nasty dirty memories of you laying there on the floor, out of your fucking mind, fighting with me..." Colby trailed off then, not wanting to say more. He knew Jon understood what he was talking about. They were both there that night, they shared the same memories of it.

_2008_

_The tile of the bathroom wall was cool against my bare back, my shoulders, my neck. It felt good. I couldn't imagine, after all I had done to myself tonight, how I could even remember how to feel something. I had somehow made my way to the bathroom at my house but I couldn't remember how I had made it up the stairs from the basement. I must have crawled. Maybe someone had helped me. Maybe someone had carried me. Maybe I had never even been in the basement tonight. I didn't fucking know anymore._

_I couldn't even remember why I had come up here, let alone how I had ended up on the floor against my bathroom wall. Oh, shit. I remembered now. My bottle of pills. That was it. Silly me, now could have I forgotten THAT?_

_I couldn't feel my legs. Did I even still have legs? I tried to turn my head to look, but wasn't sure which direction to start with. I needed help, I needed someone to hand me my pills and then drag me back to the bar. I needed Sami. He would help me. I heard faint footsteps down the hall and began yelling out my friends name. I wished he would hurry the fuck up. I needed those pills, dammit. _

Jon had somehow managed to sober up a bit, he was sure it wasn't the fact that the alcohol had worn off. He guessed it had to be the way he heard Colby talking to him. He could tell that his friend was upset about talking about that night five years ago when he witnessed him at his worst. His very worst. Jon figured that had to be the lowest point he had ever reached, or would ever reach in his life.

Jon moved closer to Colby, moving up to his knees and wrapping his arms around his friend's shoulders as he spoke. "I know that we never talked about that night, and I've always thought about it..."

"No, stop." Colby interrupted him. "I don't..."

"Colby, please..." Jon said, causing Colby to fall silent. "It's just you and me. We can talk about anything. I just always have wanted to discuss this with you. And I'm sorry, I might be a little drunk and I may have pissed you off with the talk earlier...but please. Can we put that aside and just have a discussion about this?"

Colby thought about it for a few moments. Every time a thought about what happened at Jon's house that night almost five years ago came up, he would push it out of his mind. Now Jon wanted him to live through it again by talking about it. This was not how he had wanted to spend his night. Those were bad memories, that was a dark version of Jon. Colby was young then, barely twenty two. He had been almost shocked by some of the events of that night, it had been hard for him to face Jon after that for some time. They eventually forged an awesome friendship from it, but Colby hated to think that they were friends now, lovers even, because of what had happened that night between them. That in some sick, twisted way, it had been a beginning of sorts.

_2008_

_I walked slowly down the hallway to Jon and Sami's bathroom, where the sounds of Jon were coming from. I walked in and found him. God, he was a mess. He was shirtless, his hair a mess all over his forehead. His pants unbuttoned. His eyes were rolling around in his head. He appeared to be sweating. He was in a heap on his own bathroom floor. I shook my head. "Jon?" _

_Jon jerked his head in my direction, not even able to focus on me."You aren't Sami."_

"_No, I know. I'm not Sami. Sami is gone. He left, Jon." I said slowly. Jon tried to look at me as he listened to me, but it seemed he could barely hold his own head up at this point. _

"_What? What the fuck..." Jon mumbled. "He just left me here alone?"_

"_Yeah, it looks like it." I said. "It's just you and me."_

_Jon tried to pick himself up enough to look at me, but he just floundered. "I need your help, get my pills out of the medicine cabinet."_

"_What?" I asked, not believing what Jon was asking me to do for him. The last thing Jon needed, tonight or any other night I guessed, was more pills. It made me angry, it pissed me off to see him like this. He was better than all of this, I knew it. I think he knew it too, but Jon had dug himself into a hole and I knew he probably felt like there was no way out. His way out was to ask me to retrieve his bottle of pills. I couldn't do it. _

"_Just open it and, and hand it to me." he mumbled."C'mon Colby, help me out."_

_I took a deep breath. "I can't give you more pills, Jon. Look at yourself, that's how you got here."_

"_DAMMIT!" Jon yelled, his fist making contact with the floor. "Don't argue with me, just give me the fucking pills."_

_I was getting more and more pissed off hearing Jon yell at me. I should have just turned around and left. Jon would have been fine, he couldn't even stand up to get his own pills. But I didn't, I couldn't. I stayed, not sure why, and I argued with him. "NO, Jon. No. Look at you. You're a fucking mess. This isn't you. What the hell have you done to yourself?" I asked. I sat down on the edge of the bathtub so I could face him as I talked to him._

"_You don't know me." Jon mumbled._

"_I know enough to see that you aren't yourself, Jon. You're killing yourself. You're destroying yourself. I don't like to see anybody like this, certainly not someone who I would regard as a friend." I continued._

"_I don't care. I DON'T FUCKING CARE! I don't have any friends." Jon yelled. _

"_Obviously you don't, look at yourself."I continued. _

"_What do you care?" Jon asked me, leaning closer to me. _

"_I don't want to see you throw your life away, Jon. You're better than that. You have all the talent, all the potential in the world. And yet, here you are. I don't understand how you got here. You could be so much more than this. I know it, you know it. We all see it. You're one of the best. You have the whole fucking crowd eating out of the palm of your hand and hanging on your every word every time you talk. Fuck, if you weren't so messed up right now you could be in the big time..." I said._

"_Yeah, and look at me. Like you said, look at me. I fucked that up. I've fucked everything up. I can't FUCKING DO ANYTHING right, obviously. I can't make it. I don't care what you think, I can't make it. I've fucked it all up. It's gone. I threw it away. So, do what I asked you and get me my goddamned pills so I can continue to forget any of this ever happened." Jon had his head buried in his hands now, he almost sounded like he had started to cry. _

_I didn't know what to say to him. It was obvious I had struck a nerve. I didn't know why for the life of me I cared so much. Why out of every person tonight that I could have chosen to snap on, to yell at for being a drunk and drugged out mess, why I had chosen Jon. I suppose I figured he was the worst off of all of them. And I had meant what I had said, Jon was better than all of this. _

_I shook my head as I stood up, heading for the medicine cabinet. "These pills?" I asked, getting out the orange bottle and shaking it in front of me._

"_Yeah, give it to me." Jon pleaded, reaching out in front of his body._

"_You think you need these pills, Jon?" I asked him as I took the lid off._

"_Yes, I do. Now fucking just give them to me, Colby." Jon yelled at me, I could tell he was growing angry and impatient. _

"_I can't do that, Jon." I said slowly. I emptied the bottle into my palm and balled the pills up in my fist, heading for the toilet. _

"_Colby, NO. DO NOT DO THAT, DON'T YOU FUCKING DO THAT TO ME..." Jon yelled at me in protest. He wrapped his arms around my legs as I stood before the toilet, but it was too late. I threw them in, Jon pulling at my legs as I reached for the handle to flush his pills away.  
"COLBY! YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" Jon yelled at me. _

"_Dammit, Jon. You're better off without them, can't you see that?" I yelled back at him. I didn't expect what happened next..._

"It scares me to think about that, Jon. It hurts. I hated seeing you like that. I didn't want to just leave you there, even though I should have..." Colby began, feeling some comfort in the fact that Jon had his arms wrapped around him and even though he knew he was still far from sober, he felt that Jon was listening and that he cared about what he was saying.

"Why didn't you?" Jon asked him softly.

"I don't know, I've asked myself that a few times. I almost did. I had my hand on the doorknob. I just thought about something bad happening to you after I left that night, like...like waking up in the morning and having someone tell me you had died of a drug overdose or some shit like that..." Colby explained, he could feel himself starting to get cold and shake a little as he went on. "I couldn't just leave you there. I had to stay. And the more and more I stayed there with you and we argued, the more angry I got at you. I couldn't understand why you were doing to yourself what you were doing. You were so much better than that. I know I told you that that night. I know I did, and you didn't believe it."

"No, I didn't. Not at the time." Jon said softly, gently laying his head on Colby's shoulder. "I started to believe it after that, though. Slowly."

_2008_

_Jon may have lost most of his muscle over the last six months, but he was still deceptively strong. After I had flushed his pills down, he pulled me down in one swift motion into the bathtub beside us, my head hitting the wall hard as both him and I fought in the bathtub. Jon had climbed on top of me, calling me every horrible thing he could possibly think of for having gotten rid of his drugs. I did my best to push him off of me and try to get away, Jon flailing on top of me and trying to hit and punch at me half-heatedly. The back of my head was sore, I knew that I would have a good lump there in the morning. I finally pushed Jon off of me, standing up as he slumped over the side of the bathtub._

"_JON, STOPPIT NOW!" I yelled at him as I brushed my hair out of my face. "I'm sorry, Jon. I'm sorry I got rid of your pills, but you didn't fucking need them. I couldn't let you do that to yourself. You're fucking killing yourself, don't you understand? You can come back from this, Jon. Don't let a small string of bad luck and hard times defeat you." I said, surprising myself with how involved I had suddenly gotten in Jon's life. I had no idea I cared about him, but I did. I hated seeing him this way. _

"_You don't know..." Jon slurred out, his head almost reaching the floor as he hunched over the side of the tub. "You don't fucking know anything about my life. I've seen things you'll never dream of, Colby. Don't stand there and preach to me. I don't want to hear it." he said, somehow gaining some composure and sitting up to his knees as he continued. "I don't need you to tell me how you think I should live my life. You didn't get kicked in the side by your own father when you were just a baby! You never had to hide from the bigger, meaner kids so you didn't get the shit beaten out of you! You never had to worry about coming home because you didn't know whether or not your mom's pimp would be waiting there to kick your ass that night!"_

_I just stood there, listening and taking it all in. I knew before tonight that Jon had been through a lot in his life, but never had he shared with me any of the details of it, not like this. _

"_I'm sorry, Jon." I said softly. _

"_No, don't be. Don't do that. I don't need you to feel sorry for me." he said. "I don't need your pity, I don't need anything..." he began to trail off then, leaning down and resting his head against the edge of the bathtub. I just stood there and watched him, not sure what to do next..._

"I don't know how I had the strength to do what I did that night, really I don't." Colby continued. "I guess I just did what I thought I needed to do for you, I knew you were alone and you needed help."

"I know, and I've always been grateful for that. I have never forgotten what you did for me." Jon said, squeezing his shoulder as he spoke. "If I had been in your position, I would have left me there. I would have just left. I have never understood why you didn't."

"Because you were my friend, and I didn't want to see anything bad happen to you. I cared about you, I guess." Colby said, not sure how to explain to Jon how he had felt that night and why he had done what he did. He could barely understand it, even after all this time.

_2008_

_Just as I was thinking to myself that I didn't know what to do next, Jon began throwing up. He threw up all over the side of the tub, he threw up on himself. I helped him crawl out of the tub and to the toilet, helping him crouch down in front of it. He had thrown up all over me in the process. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run. I didn't know how to deal with this now. I took off my shirt and threw it aside. I looked down at Jon, his head almost down to the water level of the toilet as he leaned over. I couldn't just leave him this way. I had to do something. I shook my head once again as I waited for him to finish puking. "Colby...just leave me here. Just let me rot..." he said to me as he looked up at me, locking those eyes of his to mine. I blinked hard, looking away. It hurt to look at him, I didn't want to make eye contact with him. He was such a mess. Why was I doing this? _

_I helped him up when I was sure he had emptied his stomach. I pulled his clothes off and turned on the water in the shower. I took the rest of my clothes off as well, leading both of us underneath the stream of hot water. Jon turned around and faced me, I could tell even in the stream of the shower that Jon was crying now. His face had turned red, his eyes swollen. He gave me this look, this pleading, hurt look. I pressed my lips together and sighed. I didn't know what to say to him. _

_I helped Jon shower and wash off all of the puke he had gotten on himself when he got sick. It struck me at some point during this how strange this was, how I couldn't believe I was here doing this. But, I was. I couldn't begin to understand what drew me to do this, why I wanted to help Jon so much. I guess I cared more than I liked to believe. I liked to believe someone would help me if I was in the type of need he was in right now. Jon was still messed up, out of his mind. He was almost like dead weight as I helped him turn around and face the stream of water again to get rinsed off. _

_Jon turned around again, facing me once more. He looked at me, this look in his eyes almost as if he was ashamed. It still was having a hard time looking at him. It was too much for me, I couldn't do it..._

Jon and Colby sat there on the bed talking for a long time, having a discussion that neither one of them ever thought they would have. When he could tell that Colby had grown tired and didn't want to talk about it any longer, Jon suggested they get into bed for the night. Jon curled up behind his lover, his arms wrapped tightly around his waist as he pulled him in closer. "Colby?" he asked.

"Yeah?" Colby answered, feeling comforted now by the feeling of their bodies together.

"I'm going to talk now, and I just want you to listen." Jon said. "I know that for you, that night at my house in Cincinnati was this horrible, dark thing. I know, I know it wasn't pleasant for you. And I know it's probably just the difference between you and I, but I hope that someday you can see it the way I do. I hope that maybe you can see the good in it."

"The good?" Colby asked, not understanding where Jon was going with this.  
"Just listen." Jon said. "If you hadn't been there that night, I don't know when my habit would have ended. I don't know where it would have stopped. I can't imagine. I don't know." Jon sighed as he continued. "And more than that, I don't think you and I would be friends like we are now. I really don't. I know it's horrible to say this, but I think that if it had never happened the way it did, we wouldn't be here right now."

_2008_

_Jon wrapped his arms around me as he began to cry, harder now. I held him to me, not sure how else to handle the situation. "I'm a mess. I threw it away. I fucked it all up. I know I did." Jon said to me, his face buried in my neck. "I don't know if I can ever get it back. Fuck, look at me. I can't even stand up on my own. I don't know where to start. My life is such a fucking shambles. I can't do it."_

"_Jon, you can." I said to him, helping him stand up straight again. "There's no reason why you can't. I know you can work hard, you don't get as far as fast as you did without working hard. It won't be easy, but you can. I know you might feel as though you're defeated, but you're not. You can come back from this. All you need to do is get off this drug habit. Get back on your feet, bet back to the gym, get back into wrestling shape. I know you have it in you, I know you do. I've talked to you about your dream, Jon. It's the same as mine. I know you want it the same way I do. And I know you can come back from this."_

_Jon slumped over, leaning against me. I turned off the water and wrapped him in a towel, helping him to get dry. I stood there naked, helping Jon because I knew there was no way he could help himself. Every once in a while I would catch a glimpse of him looking at me with those blue eyes of his, not sure how to read his expression. I helped Jon to his bedroom and picked him up, laying him in his bed. "Just go to sleep, Jon. Just stay here and go to sleep and start over tomorrow morning." I said to him, pulling the covers up over his body. I figured Jon would never remember any of this. He would for sure have forgotten this in the morning, he might think details of it had actually happened, but he would be too fucked up still to remember if it had been real or not. I doubted that he even had understood any of what I had said to him tonight, or cared. I didn't mind. I was just glad he was quiet now and at least somewhat safe in bed._

_I turned off all the lights and curled up in a ball on the couch in the living room. My mind was going a thousand miles an hour. I didn't know how to process what had just happened. How the fuck had I just done that? Why did I care what happened to Jon? For all I knew, I would leave after tomorrow and never see him again, never work with him again. At least I would have my own peace of mind, my own assurance that I had tried to help him, at least for one night. _

_2008_

_I woke up in the morning in my own bed, naked. Someone had brought me here, I knew it. The last thing I could recall upon waking up was asking Colby to give me my pills, and after that..._

_I pressed my palms to my forehead, a nasty headache beginning to build up in the front of my head. I normally would have just numbed myself with more pills, but I remembered that Colby had gotten rid of them. _

_All of the words he said to me the night before began to swim around in my head. I tried to make sense of them. I didn't even know why he had stayed with me, he should have just left. I didn't understand all of what had happened, but I could remember parts of it. I wanted my pills. He was yelling at me about getting my life together. I yelled back about my pills. He flushed them down the toilet. I tackled him and we fought in the tub. He tossed me off and we argued some more. Colby tried to bring me to my senses. I got sick as hell all over the place and myself. And then what..._

_I didn't remember exactly. I looked down at myself, I was naked and clean. Fuck, Colby must have cleaned me up. And he must have put me in bed. What the hell? Why had he done all of this? Colby and I were friendly with each other, but this all went far and beyond anything any friend had ever done for me in my lifetime. _

_I was confused. I was groggy. I was more sober than I had been in some time, having not taken my usual handful of pills before going to sleep last night. I got out of bed and pulled some clothes on, venturing to the kitchen for some water.  
When I got there, Colby was already up, standing in my kitchen. He smiled at me. Why had he smiled at me? I had tried to fight with him just a few hours ago? _

"_Hey." I said to him. _

"_You okay?" he asked me, offering me some coffee in my own kitchen. Who the hell was this guy? _

"_No, I'm not okay." I said as I took the mug from his hands. "Definitely far from okay, as you witnessed last night." _

"_Yeah." Colby said softly. _

"_I didn't hurt you, did I?" I asked him. _

"_You gave me a good bump on the back of the head, but it's not that bad. It'll be alright." he answered. _

"_Look, Colby. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about what happened. I'm at a bad place in my life right now, as you can clearly tell." I began, not sure where I was headed with this. "I didn't mean to fight with you last night, and I appreciate what you did for me and what you tried to tell me..." I paused then, thinking about the things he had told me. The more I thought about it, he was right. I had to get back up on my feet and get my shit together, like he had told me. "I would never have wished that upon anyone, to see me like that. I'm not proud of it. I apologize."_

"_It's okay, Jon. I understand. You weren't yourself last night." he said to me. _

"_I haven't been myself in a long time."I said, swallowing hard. It was the first time in a few months, standing here now with Colby, that I felt as though I was having a normal adult conversation with someone. I tried to continue talking about what had happened the night before, but I could tell Colby was getting uncomfortable. Eventually he stopped me._

"_Jon, can we just talk about something else?" he asked. _

"_Yeah, sure." I said softly. _

_We stood there silent for several minutes, just standing in my kitchen, drinking coffee. _

"_Let's go to the gym. You want to go?" he asked me. _

"_Yeah. Yeah, we can do that."_

"I'm not trying to glorify it, but I don't think it was all bad." Jon continued, cuddled up tight against Colby.

"How do you figure?" he asked Jon.

"Well...it was after that night that I started to get my shit together. I slowly stopped taking the drugs. I got back into shape, gained the weight I had lost back. I started working again. I got back to where I felt like I was myself again. And in a big way, I owe that to you." Jon said. "If you hadn't been there that night to help snap me back to reality, back to real life...I don't know what I would be doing right now. I would probably be dead."

"Don't say that." Colby said, feeling a tear growing in the corner of his eye. As much as he hated talking about this, hearing Jon put his spin on the situation made him feel somewhat more at ease about it.

"It's the truth. You helped me, you helped me so much. And I'm not just talking getting rid of my pills, helping me shower after I got sick all over myself, putting me in my bed. I mean the days after that. I mean the months after that. I mean the fact that even after all of that, you still were part of my life and you still wanted to be my friend. That, I guess is the part of all of this, that is unbelievable to me." Jon fell silent then, having said all he wanted to say.

"_I'm feeling better since you know me,  
I was a lonely soul but that's the old me._

_But with you  
I feel again  
And with you  
I can feel again._

_I'm feeling better since you know me  
I was a lonely soul but that's the old me.  
A little wiser now from what you show me  
Yeah, I feel again  
Feel again..."_


	11. Colorblind

Author's note: We pick up where we left off last chapter. There will be parts that are told in the present and the italicized parts are from the past. I hope that all of you reading are enjoying my story. Thank you to all of you and the BIGGEST THANK YOU of all to those of you who always take time to review. I love all of you!

Again, there is a song I have been listening to while writing this. I think it fits with this part of the story that is being told from Jon's POV in the past. It's called "Colorblind" by Counting Crows. There aren't many lyrics, but A) the music is beautiful and B) the words may be few but I think they hit hard. The song is about a person who wants, needs someone to pull them out of themselves. There are only two choices, black and white. Despite clearly describing how nervous the person is, they keep telling themselves that they are ready, they are fine. Folded and unfolded and unfolding. Okay, enough explanation. Here it is...

"_I am colorblind._

_Coffee black and egg white._

_Pull me out from inside._

_I am ready.  
I am ready.  
I am ready I am..._

_taffy stuck and tongue tied._

_Stutter shook and uptight._

_Pull me out from inside._

_I am ready. _

_I am ready.  
I am ready, _

_I am fine."_

Jon couldn't sleep that night. No matter how he attempted to get comfortable, there was just no way it was going to happen. He glanced over at the clock. Five seventeen. "Fuck." he whispered to himself. There was no point in laying here any longer, well...almost no point. There was Colby there beside him. He was sound asleep, though. It seemed odd to Jon, Colby had been the one so disturbed by their subject of discussion last night but now he was sound asleep and Jon was wide awake. Seemed like it should have been the other way around.

Jon crawled out of Colby's bed gently and gathered some sweatpants and a sweatshirt of Colby's off the floor. His sweatshirt was a bit too small, but it would do. Jon figured at least if he couldn't sleep, he could run.

_December 2009_

_I couldn't sleep. I was too nervous. I was too excited. I was going to see him for the first time in about six weeks. It had been six weeks too long, if you asked me. _

_It had been more than a year now that Colby and I had grown closer and closer as friends. We would see each other at independent shows all across the US and when we had chances, we would plan to visit each other at our homes. This time he was coming to me, and I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so nervous. He was coming in tomorrow. I knew it would be a great visit. I was excited to tell him about how well things were going here with me, I was even more excited to hear about how things were going for him. _

_The night Colby literally picked me up off the floor, I knew that I had to change something. It's strange, how as human beings we don't believe something about ourselves until we are told by someone else. The words Colby told me that night had echoed in my mind every day since. I can't say that I stopped everything at once, that would be a lie. I stopped taking as many pills. I stopped drinking as much. I started to take a long hard look at myself and I didn't like what I saw, nor did I understand how that person had come to be. _

_As I searched for the answers, I got back on my feet, one day at a time. I realized I was wasting my life. I got out and got a real job. I started working at a gym down the street from my house. I got to work out when the chance was there, so I very slowly started to gain muscle back and began to eat normally again, since I had stopped making meals out of bottles of booze and handful after handful of pills. I was starting to feel more like Jon, and I was starting to look more like the man I had used to be too. _

_I thought of my friend every step of the way. If I was having a hard time, I called him or I sent him a text. He was a good friend to me, he always returned my calls and was quick with a text message filled with thoughtful words of encouragement. As things started to fall back into place for me, I started wrestling on small local shows on the weekends just to get back into the swing of things. I worked more and more on getting my body back to the condition it was in before all of this had started to destroy me, inside and out. _

_I met with my mom for the first time in years, I hadn't spent more than a few minutes with her since I had left home at sixteen. I started thinking more and more about forgiveness. Those thoughts had never crossed my mind before. I had held everything in, letting it slowly eat away at me, gnaw at my insides until there were holes. I never had thought of how ugly or destructive that was, for me or for anyone else for that matter. My mind had never been as clear as it was now, my focus as well. Things got easier and easier as the days and weeks passed, slowly. It began to all come into perspective for me. _

_Why was I letting all of these things eat away at me? I was angry at my mother. I hated my father. Why? None of it seemed worth it now. So, I forgave my mother. I let go of all grudges I had been holding against her since my childhood. I know that it sounded like some sort or overused cliché, but it felt like I had been carrying a thousand pound weight on my back and that with just one afternoon's worth of conversation with her, I had put it down. I met with my father. I started to know him for the first time in my life. My mind felt more clear than it ever had, the fog had lifted and not just because of the drugs now no longer being part of my daily life, it was more than that. _

_And through all of this, Colby was my friend. Sometimes I didn't know why he was. But he was. He was there for me. _

_I still couldn't sleep. No matter how I tossed and turned, I just couldn't sleep. It might sound silly coming from a grown man, but it was from this feeling of anticipation and excitement I had about finally getting to see my friend again. I tossed the covers off of myself and decided it was a loss, for now. I looked over at the clock. Five thirty eight. I pulled on some warm clothes and put on a hat. It was cold outside, starting to snow. It was a good time for a morning run._

Jon ran and ran, he ran until he thought maybe he had gotten himself lost, but he found his way back the way he had come. It was too hot, he had to stop to take Colby's sweatshirt off along the way. He grinned to himself as a pair of girls standing outside of the coffee shop down the street stared as he ran by. Jon ran around the block near Colby's condo a few times before deciding it was time to go back.

He was satisfied for now, there was no way he would be able to go back to sleep, but at least now his mind was more calm. No matter what, if he had something weighing heavily on his mind, he would run. It always helped. It was one of his coping mechanisms, his favorite in fact. He had learned to use this when he was trying to kick his pill habit for good. It began when he started weaning himself off slowly, when cravings got to be too much for him, he would take to the street and run, run until he no longer felt he needed those things. Over time, he had kept up with it because it helped him get his body back to the shape he needed it to be in for his return to the ring.

_December 2009_

_I ran. I ran until I felt like my hands would fall off and I could no longer feel my nose. I ran until my mind was blank. I ran until I couldn't take another step. _

_I returned home, making myself a protein shake and taking a shower. I looked around my new home afterwards, thinking I would have to clean it before Colby got here. I didn't think he cared, but I didn't want him to see my mess. I had moved out of the house I had been sharing with my friend Sami shortly after the incident there. I couldn't be there, it was too much of a temptation. There were pills there, there were drugs. I needed to get as far away from those things as possible, and I knew that if I was going to be serious I would have to distance myself somewhat from those people who were my friends at the time. _

_As the months had passed and 2009 came, I thought more and more about going back to wrestling full time. I had only been doing the weekend shows, it started to be not enough for me. I had recovered, my mind had been restored and my body was back to where it should have been. I thought I was ready. So, I began traveling to Philadelphia with a group of my friends to work for CZW. I started working there more and more. I began to love it, I was back. I was back to doing what I had always wanted to do, I was back to feeling as though I was living out my dream._

_My wrestling character was still me, but it had changed. Jon was calm, collected. He was at a good place in his life. He had found some semblance of peace. Moxley was a different story. I portrayed my in ring persona as a loose cannon, a wild card. He was the opposite of how I was feeling in my personal life. I channeled any anger, any resentment, any lingering feelings I had towards anyone or anything in my life into the character. My wrestling style changed, I had become more adept in what we called hardcore and death matches. I had been hesitant at first, but now I thought nothing of taking a fork to a man's forehead or getting thrown onto glass. It made me feel alive. That was all I had looked for, something to make me feel alive. _

_I had won several local independent wrestling promotion's titles. I felt vindicated, I knew that I was right to have made this comeback. It was satisfying. _

Jon returned to Colby's condo, checking on him to find that he was still sleeping. Jon sat down on the end of the bed. He stared at his friend, he looked so fucking peaceful. Colby looked like such a creature of beauty to Jon, laying there sleeping so gently. His mess of curly hair was draped across his pillow above his head, the soft curve of his neck and muscle of his shoulder poking out from under the covers. It made Jon smile, and Jon was not the kind of man that let his smile show very often. He sat there for some time, just watching his friend, now the man he had taken as his lover, as he slept. Jon began thinking about those early days when he first began to have desire for this, when he first came to the realization that he wanted Colby as much more than just his friend.

_December 2009_

"_I am covered in skin. _

_No one gets to come in. _

_Pull me out from inside._

_I am folded and unfolded,_

_and unfolding,.."_

_Colby had called me to tell me he would be here soon, and I couldn't figure out why there was a big knot in my stomach now. It felt so odd, this was my friend I had just spoken to on the phone, why did it feel like I was nervous to see him again? I pushed it to the back of my mind and sat on the couch, waiting for him._

_He said on the phone that he had big news for me. I was excited to hear what he would tell me. I was excited most of all just to see him again, lay eyes on him. It had been too long. _

_I jumped at the sound of his faint knock on my front door. I began to feel strange as I made my way to the door, not sure of what I was feeling. There he was, my friend. My heart all of a sudden was in my throat, the sight of him making my hands slowly curl into fists and my breath escape my body. He looked great. He stood there on my front porch, his hood of his coat over his head, his mess of hair falling over his shoulders and out the sides of the hood. He looked like the same man I had talked to six weeks ago, but somehow different at the same time. I couldn't figure it out. My mind was trying to wrap itself around this as Colby swore at the weather and walked in. "Jesus, Jon. I thought the weather was bad in Chicago. Look at this shit. It's a fucking blizzard."_

"_Yeah." I mumbled. I failed to mention that I hadn't even noticed the weather outside. I had been too busy taking in the sight of him standing on the other side of my door. _

"_It really is beautiful, but not so much when you travel like we do, huh?" he asked me as he took off his coat and shoes and set his shoulder bag down. _

"_Yeah." I again mumbled. _

"_Is that all you're going to say on this visit?" he asked me mockingly as he put his hands on his hips. 'Goddammit, those hips.' I had no idea where that thought had come from. "Jon...?"_

"_Huh?" I asked him, snapping myself back to reality somehow. "What?"_

_Colby just smiled at me. It made my mouth go dry. Something about all of this felt strange to me. I couldn't put my finger on it. There was something different now, and I didn't know whether I liked it or not. It was making me confused and uncomfortable. _

_This was Colby I was standing with. I knew him. He was my friend. He was the same guy I had known for the last year as one of my closest friends. So, why did I feel like I was a teenager with a secret crush on someone? Why did I feel like this had somehow turned into something more to me without even being aware that it had? Why now was I sitting on my couch with him, thinking of what would happen if I were to lean over in this moment and try to kiss him? What the fuck was happening to me? _

"_You want to hear my news?" he asked me. _

_I was praying he couldn't read my thoughts as I nodded yes. _

"_Well, you know things have been going good for me in ROH, and a few weeks ago I had that title match..." he began. I knew that he had told me he was chasing the title, that the plan was to put him in a program with Austin Aries and see what kind of matches they could put on and judge how far it would go by how the crowds responded to them. Ever since he had told me about it, I was thinking of him and hoping it all would go well for him. "...and it went to a time limit draw. They decided next week we would have another match...this time they want to give me the belt."_

_I looked up at him, excited. He had a look of pure joy on his face, and I knew that mine couldn't have looked much different. "Seriously?" I asked him, smiling. "Holy shit, Colby. Way to go. I know you deserve it, shit. You've been working so hard..." I said, congratulating him. I reached over and rubbed his shoulder, a jolt running through my whole body as I did. "Damn, congratulations. I know you'll be awesome as the champ." _

_Colby smiled at me. "I'm nervous." he said softly. _

"_Don't be nervous." I said, still rubbing my hand across his shoulders. _

"_Yeah, I know. Everyone tells me that, but I am just a bit nervous. I know that this is what I've always wanted, and now I get it...just the IDEA of that, the FEELING of knowing that all of this hard work, all the hours I've spent, they haven't been for nothing. It feels good, you know?" he asked me._

"_I know." I said, putting my hand on his knee now. Fuck, what was I doing? Colby didn't seem to notice, but I looked down at my hand on his leg and felt my eyes get wider. I knew that he probably wouldn't have cared, Colby wasn't the kind of guy who was afraid of touching or anything, but I didn't know how he would feel about this. I quickly took it away, not sure if Colby had seen the awkward look on my face or not. _

_I tried to return to normal conversation with him when he asked me what had been going on with me in my career. I smiled as I told him, "Well, it's funny you ask, because there's talk of me winning the CZW title."_

_Colby laughed, saying "No way!". I smiled. He was so cute sometimes. "So you're telling me that here we sit, two friends. And we're both about to be the two biggest guys in the two companies we work for?" _

"_I guess so." I smiled now at the thought of this, the idea that both Colby and I were going to achieve the same thing at the same time. It was a satisfying thought, I knew how hard both of us had worked to get here, and though we had taken very different paths and worked in different places most of the time, we were both finally coming to a place where we were feeling as though all of our hard work was about to pay off. _

_I continued smiling, not wanting this moment my friend and I were sharing to end. I had never realized until now how much Colby's achievement of his dream meant to me. It hit me that it meant almost as much to me as the fulfillment of my own dream meant. The pride I felt for myself had spilled over to him as well, and I began to feel I was beaming with pride. I loved the thought of him being the top guy in the place where he was, he deserved it. _

"_I think we should celebrate." I said to him. He smiled at me, the most delightful glow in those dark eyes of his. There was that jump again. Dammit, why was he doing this to me? "I know you're not much of a drinker, but I have this really fancy bottle of wine that a friend gave me for my birthday...I guess I was saving it for something special or maybe just someone to share it with since I'm not really a wine guy. Maybe we should crack it open?"_

"_Just as long as we don't drink too much..." he answered. I knew what he meant. Just as long as I didn't get shitfaced and pass out on the bathroom floor again. _

"_Just a couple of glasses." I replied. "To toast."_

Jon brushed his teeth, staring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He was trying as hard as he could to wash away the leftover taste of bourbon from the night before. He began to wonder why he had picked that fight with Colby. He knew deep down why he had, it was just a hard thing for Jon to admit to himself. Somewhere in his heart he knew that Colby hadn't done it to make him jealous, but Jon couldn't help himself. He knew that there was always a chance that this might not last. Any day now Colby could decide that he didn't want to do this after all. Jon was somewhat surprised that they had made it this far. He wasn't sure if Colby was fully aware of what was happening between them, not sure if he understood what he had gotten himself into.

Jon had thought of making Colby his since a few years ago. He had thought about it long and hard, at times wanting to act on his desires, but not. He knew that there would be a chance that he could lose his friend because of it. Jon had picked his moment, he had waited until he felt the most comfortable with where they were in their lives to make his move. He waited until he was feeling as though he wouldn't be let down.

Jon had spent months working with Colby, traveling with him while they were both part of FCW and NXT. They had grown closer than ever. Jon began to see, over time, that same look on Colby's face he was sure used to be displayed on his own only a few years earlier when he would look at Colby. That look of fear, but also of desire at the same time. Then, and only then, did Jon know it was the right time to make Colby understand how he felt for him.

_December 2009_

_I sat there,staring at Colby. He was the definition of the word lightweight. Two glasses of wine and he was acting like a teenage girl who had just stolen his mother's stash of cheap liqour and was drinking it with her friends in secret. I shook my head. If it had been anybody else, it would have been annoying. But, it was Colby. So I thought it was a bit cute. _

"_Let's have another. Let's finish the bottle off..." Colby told me, between laughs. I grinned at him. _

"_You sure?" I was fine, I had matched his two glasses and was feeling not so different than when we had started. It would take much more than that to get me going, but I had to remember, Colby wasn't really the kind of guy who drank very often. Tonight was a special occasion, though. _

"_Yeah. I'm fine." he said, winking at me. I closed my eyes and smiled at him. He was so fucking cute. Colby always possessed this youth, this fun easygoing quality that you just had to love. I looked at him, seeing those things I had always seen and surprisingly more. I gazed at him, sure he was unaware. It was one of the nicest things about having gotten him a bit drunk. He looked so handsome, He had let his facial hair grow in more over the last few months, his face now covered in what looked to be the softest black hair. His long black mess of curly hair was flowing behind him. I began to scan his face and his shoulders, my eyes traveling down further and further. I started to feel uncomfortable, feeling as though I probably shouldn't be watching my friend like this, but I couldn't stop myself. _

_I took a long drink of wine and asked myself if this was really happening. Was this really a road I was willing to go down? Had I really started to feel something that was more than the usual friendship for him? When the hell had this happened? I guessed it had occurred somewhere between quick visits at indie shows here and there and late night phone conversations about our personal lives. I felt somewhat lost, staring at him. I wanted to have him. I needed to have him, in this moment. I wanted more than anything to reach over to him and grab him up in my arms, kissing him like I had never kissed another before. But I knew I couldn't. I was painfully aware._

_I was snapped back to reality by Colby, waving his empty wine glass in front of me and sticking his eyes out. "Jon?" he asked me. "More wine?"_

_I smiled and got up from my couch, happy to have been released from my thoughts momentarily. _

"_I am, _

_Colorblind._

_Coffee black and egg white. _

_Pull me out from inside._

_I am ready._

_I am ready._

_I am ready, _

_I am fine._

_I am fine."_

_It started to get later and later. As we sat on my couch and polished off the bottle of wine, we began to talk about things, trying to make small talk. Somewhere along the way things had taken as strange turn, though._

"_Jon..." Colby began to say to me as he let out a heavy sigh, "...I missed you."_

_I smiled at him, not sure if I should take that out of context or not. I decided not. _

"_I did. I missed you. You're my friend, you're an awesome friend. I think you and I have grown to be close. And I like it. And I think you're back to being more of the person you were before..." he paused then, and I knew that he had thought of the night when I had been so out of my mind. "...you know. You know what I mean. I guess what I'm trying to say, in my half drunk way...is that I'm proud of you. I think you're making the best comeback to wrestling and you've gotten all of your personal life sorted out now..." Colby started to trail off then, and I was sure that he had started a conversation that he didn't want to finish, that he couldn't finish._

"_Thank you, Colby." I said, trying to finish his thought. "I know what you mean, I get what you're trying to tell me. Thank you." He had been trying, in his own way, to tell me that he was proud of me. That he recognized how far I had come in the last year and then some, and that he was proud of me. I knew that he didn't want to talk about that night, I was sure that those feelings were still too close to the surface, that the thought of me from that time made him uncomfortable. _

"_It's just good to see you be Jon again." he said, looking in my eyes. "Not someone else." We fell silent then, not sure what else there was to say. "It's late, we should retire for the night." he said to me._

"_Yeah, you're probably right." I said. "You can share my bed with me if you want. I bought a brand new, huge bed when I started working again. It's soft and comfortable..." I started to think that the offer may have sounded a bit desperate, somewhat creepy. _

"_Okay." he answered. I almost jumped off my couch. I couldn't believe it had been that easy. Colby got up, teetering a bit from having had those few glasses of wine with me. It made me smile somehow. It was so cute to watch. We walked up the stairs to my bedroom. I turned down the blankets and sheets so Colby could climb on my bed. I watched with great interest as he took off his shirt and then with great wonder as he took off his pants as well, sitting on my bed finally with just his boxers on. I took in a deep breath and tried to will myself not to think those thoughts, those beautifully erotic thoughts. This was my friend. My friend Colby. Why was he turning me on? I secretly hoped that my body wouldn't give away what my mind was thinking. _

"_You're right, this is the most big comfortable bed I think I've ever been in." he said lazily. I watched him as he stretched out on my bed and pulled the blankets up to his waist. He gently fanned his long black hair out across my pillow and settled in. I had the bad feeling that there would be nothing settling about this for me, not tonight. _

"_I feel funny." Colby said to me. _

"_What do you mean?" I said, half laughing._

"_I mean I don't normally drink three glasses of wine before bed." he said, laughing as well. "It did make me a little tired though, but like a calm relaxed kind of tired. It feels good." he concluded. _

"_Yeah?" I laughed lightly. I sat on the edge of the bed, looking at Colby. It was all I could do to keep myself from climbing on top of him. I longed to, the urge was so strong to straddle him and kiss him, make him my own. But I didn't think it would be the best idea. I knew that even in his slightly inebriated state that he probably wouldn't want me to make a move on him. Not like the one I had in mind. _

_I took off my own clothes and turned off the lights, hesitating before finally getting in my bed. I sat up in bed, watching Colby. He had this blissful look on his face, I didn't think I had ever seen him so relaxed. I figured acting on just a small urge couldn't hurt. I reached over and moved as stray curl of black hair from his face, telling him "Thank you for being my friend, Colby. Thank you for being there for me when I need you." _

_Colby smiled at me. He took my hand in his then, making my stomach turn in circles one direction and then the next. "Thank you for being my friend. I'll always be there for you." he said. I nearly lost it then, lost all control. I wanted to take his face in my hands and kiss him, pin him down to the bed and have my way with every inch of his body. I took a deep breath and swallowed hard, pushing those urges back down into some dark place where I hoped they would be able to hide, at least for the time being. I knew there would be no way I was ever going to get to sleep. _

"_I am fine."_

Jon climbed back into Colby's bed, returning to the same spot he had been in before his morning run. He heard Colby stir a bit behind him, feeling Colby's arm snaking around his torso. Jon pressed their bodies together, wanting them as close as they could be. He liked to imagine that if they were close enough, they would be more like one than two.

"Did you leave?" Colby whispered softly. "I thought I heard you leave."

"Yes." Jon answered, locking his hand with Colby's and resting in on his chest.

"You had to run?" Colby asked him.

"Yeah." Jon replied, feeling Colby's fingertips brushing over his chest, across the middle of his body. "I couldn't sleep."

"You're okay?" he asked Jon. "We're okay?"

Jon closed his eyes and exhaled. "Yes." was the only answer he could manage. The two of them stayed there in silence for several minutes, just enjoying the feeling of their two bodies so close to one another.

_"I am fine."_


	12. Chapter 12

Author's note: Thank you to all of you on here who are my loyal readers. You are appreciated. THANK YOU even more to those few of you who have always taken out the time to review. I appreciate you guys even more. Hope you all enjoy this installment. It features some select lyrics from the song "Imaginary Lover" by Atlanta Rhythm Section, a song probably older than most of us but a great song. The events of the past are told from Jon's POV and are in italics. Enjoy this part of the story!

Jon woke up early one morning to the sensation of Colby's breath against the back of his neck. He began to wake up slowly, the sensation of Colby's lips beginning to make their way across his neck and shoulders causing his already half hard morning erection to stiffen up even further. Jon opened his eyes slowly, loving the feeling of his lover waking him up this way, their legs tangled together and his head resting against Colby's forearm.

It was the pair's two days off for the week and they were of course spending them together, this time at Jon's house. This had become their routine now. They spent their time on the road together as partners in The Shield, then when work finally gave them a break and they were off the road for a few days, they returned to home in Florida. They would alternate between staying at each others places. They hadn't spent more than a day or two apart since this whole thing had started between them. Jon loved it. He had waited long enough to have his friend this way, he wanted to enjoy it. He felt that Colby had been loving it as much as he had. Jon loved seeing the way Colby's eyes lit up the night before when he asked if Colby wanted to come to his home this time.

Now here they were, just waking up to the day ahead of them. Jon couldn't help but let out a short moan and arch his back against his lover as Colby's hand snaked it's way around Jon's body and found his cock. He was thrilled to find that Colby was already just as hard as he was, feeling his cock press against his back as their bodies met.

Jon's thoughts roamed to the excitement of the first thing in the morning sex they were about to have, there was just something about waking up and enjoying sex with another person first thing in the morning that he loved. Especially with Colby. The hazy feeling of having just woken up to that immediate feeling of stimulation. The lazy, slow speed of the fucking that they were about to share together. The thought of falling back asleep together afterward for another hour or so in a sleepy mess of bodies and sweat. Waking up and making love first thing in the morning, things went slowly and you took your time. There was nothing rushed about it. You almost felt as though it was the only thing you had to accomplish all day. Jon loved it.

Jon and Colby began to find a rhythm, just pressing their bodies together and letting their hands roam across each others skin. Jon's thoughts began to wander to a time a couple of years ago when he could only dream of having this kind of intimacy with Colby. Back then it wasn't able to be a reality, it was just fantasy.

_June 2011_

"_Imaginary lovers,_

_never turn you down._

_When all the others turn you away,_

_they're around."_

_I took a cold shower first thing when I arrived home. I had to. I was on fire. My whole body was hot, I couldn't stand it. Colby just had to hug me when we said goodbye, didn't he? Fuck, if he only knew... _

_I had spent the whole day with my friend today. He picked me up this morning and we spent most of the morning at the gym together. It was like slow torture, watching his body. I couldn't help but watch. I had to. My desire for him had grown to epic proportions ever since I had moved down here to Florida._

_I had only been here a couple of months, and Colby and I lived only about a forty-five minute drive apart. We saw much more of each other now. We worked together and we spent time together even when we weren't working. I knew that we would be spending even more time together in the coming months. The plan for when I debuted in FCW was for me to come out to the ring and challenge Colby. I was almost floored when they told me. Colby was excited. I was burning up just thinking about it, even though I was still standing underneath the ice-cold stream of water in my shower. _

"_Fuck." I cursed as I thought about our exchange when he said goodbye to me. The way he insisted on getting out of the car and walking up to my door with me. How he proceeded to tell me it had been an awesome day with me. How he gave me the cutest look as he grabbed me up in a big hug and squeezed me tightly. I knew that to Colby hugging me was exactly like embracing any of his other male friends or even one of his brothers. It was just a sign of friendship, of camaraderie. For me, it was something totally different. _

_For just a very brief moment, something made me want to react. I felt this growing itch in my brain and I longed to scratch it by kissing him, pulling him inside and taking him to my bed with me. I was sure that he wasn't ready for that. I wasn't sure if I was ready for that. _

_So instead, I closed the door behind me and locked it after I knew he was gone. I turned around and pressed my back against it, hanging my head down and staring a hole in the floor. My longing was at a fever pitch. It felt like something that you see in a reoccurring dream over and over again when you sleep at night. You know it's there but you can't quite reach it. It's just out of reach of your fingertips when you try to grab it. It haunts you. This feeling, I had been living with it...struggling with it ever since I had moved here. _

_Even after I had taken a cold shower I could still feel the fire that was burning for him. I knew that it was probably futile, there was no way to get rid of it. I could only hope to make it subside for a short time, to keep it at bay so that maybe I would be able to sleep. I settled in bed and began what seemed to be my nightly ritual of fantasizing about Colby while I masturbated..._

"I like this..." Colby whispered in Jon's ear.

Jon grinned up at him. "What?" he asked, wanting to hear his lover elaborate.

"Being on top of you like this..." Colby said slowly. Colby had brought himself up so that he was on top of Jon's body now. Colby sat up, resting his hips against Jon's.

Jon knew what he meant by his statement. He was trying to express to Jon that he liked the thought of being on top so that he could feel like he had a small amount of control. Jon smiled at him. He had to admit, being in control when they had sex was one of the biggest parts of their intimacy together. Jon figured there was nothing wrong with letting Colby feel as though he was in charge for once.

Colby slowly pushed his hands against Jon's torso, running his palms across the length of his body. Colby made his way across his chest and finally rested his hands on Jon's shoulders, leaning down to kiss his lover. Jon felt his whole body melt as Colby kissed him. He pulled Colby in as close as he could, taking a hand and tangling Colby's long hair between his fingers. Kissing seemed to go on forever, until Jon broke their kiss. Colby let out a short moan of frustration as he looked down at Jon. He smiled at Jon as he brought his hips up slightly and then back down again, making sure that their cocks brushed together as he did.

"I want to be inside of you." Jon said softly. That had been one of the only thoughts on his mind as of late, when the next chance was going to come to be alone with Colby. When the next opportunity to be intimate with him would be.

_2011_

"_It's my private pleasure,_

_midnight fantasy._

_Someone to share,_

_my wildest dreams with me._

_Imaginary lover._

_You're mine, anytime..."_

_I cranked up the air conditioning and tried to settle in. If it wasn't the right temperature, I wouldn't be able to do it. Things had to be just so. It had to be dark. It had to be not too hot and but not too cold. Everything had to be quiet and calm. All of the lights had to be turned off. Everything had to be a certain way so that I would be able to focus. So that I would be able to close my eyes and get the clearest picture I possibly could..._

_I stretched out across my bed and took a few deep breaths in and out. I tried to make myself as relaxed as I possibly could. I wasn't sure why I was feeling nervous this time, but I was. I had been doing this almost nightly since I had first moved here. It was even worse if I had seen him that day, much like today. Tonight felt strange, if felt different. I concluded that it was probably because he had touched me, hugged me. I could almost still feel the touch of his skin with mine, the feeling of his body pressed to my own. That was all the inspiration I needed._

_I reached down slowly and began to tease my cock with my hand as I closed my eyes tightly and started imagining the scenario of what I would have done to Colby if I had taken him inside with me, if after he hugged me I hadn't just let him leave. _

_I imagined leaning in close to him, whispering in his ear "Don't leave just yet." and he would give me the most confused look. He would comply, though. He would have no idea what was going to be in store for him. I would abandon all thoughts of hesitation and kiss him, not caring that he was trying to pull away from me or protest my kiss. I imagined eventually he would just give up and fall in with my kisses. I pictured that, the visual of Colby and I standing just on the other side of my front door locked in a kiss for the first time. I began to imagine what his lips would feel like as they played with my own. I could feel myself getting hard already, just the thought of how it would feel to finally kiss him after all of this time was enough to get me aroused._

_I imagined kissing him and clenching my fist in a handful of his hair as I did. I knew that if I did that Colby would let out a moan into my mouth, that if I pulled his hair he would be shocked but somehow still turned on enough to make a sound of pleasure and not pain. Maybe he wouldn't know the difference._

_I used my fist to stroke myself up and down now as I thought of taking Colby here to my bed with me. I pictured what it would be like to have him actually standing here before me and allowing me to disrobe him. I had dreamed of this so many times, knowing what he would look like outside of all the constrictions of clothing. I had an idea, but I wasn't sure if I would ever actually get to find out. For now, the fantasy would have to be enough._

Colby had slowly worked Jon's cock inside of his ass, making sure to take his sweet time in doing so. Jon wasn't sure he would be able to go slowly or be gentle. The feeling this morning of Colby's ass wrapped tightly around his length was driving him wild with desire. He was barely able to hold himself back as Colby began slowly moving up and down. Jon wanted to grab Colby's hips and grind his cock inside of him fast and hard, making sure to bring both of them to orgasm in the way he knew they loved. But, he didn't. He held a tight grip on Colby's hips and allowed his lover to set a pace that he wanted for the two of them. Jon moved his hips up only slightly to meet Colby's own movements when the timing was right. Jon pressed his head to the pillow and closed his eyes. He was loving the sound of Colby's soft moans of pleasure as they were fucking. Jon licked his hand and began stroking Colby's dick with his palm, loving how hard he was and how his cock twitched and pulsed with the contact. This was just what he had always imagined...

_2011_

"_Imaginary lovers,_

_never disagree._

_They always care,_

_They're always there when you need,_

_satisfaction guaranteed._

_You're mine all the time._

_Imaginary lover._

_You're mine anytime..."_

"_This is what I've wanted...for I don't even know how long now. Fuck, I've wanted you, wanted to make you mine..." I could only imagine the look that would be on Colby's face if I were to actually say that to him. I could easily say it to him in my fantasy, that was easy enough. There he wouldn't turn me down. He would always feel the same way about me. Always._

_I imagined Colby stretched out naked across my bed as I began to move my hand faster up and down my now rock hard dick. He would be here, naked and vulnerable. He would be mine, mine for the taking. That was what I longed for. To tell him how I felt and for him to not say he didn't feel the same. To accept that I needed him. I pictured the look of pleasure that would cross his face as I would suck his cock, finally tasting him. I sighed hard at that thought and licked my lips as I clenched my eyes closed even tighter now and brought my hips up off the bed. I imagined ordering him to turn around for me and fucking him, hard. I could see it, fuck...I could feel it. I swear I could. _

_I started moving my hand harder and faster against my cock as I thought about it. I longed to feel how it would be to bury my cock so deep up his ass. I was on fire. I was almost to my orgasm. I imagined reaching forward and gripping one of his shoulders tightly and using the other hand to reach down and stroke Colby's cock, my own cock deep inside of him the whole time. I pictured his face buried in my pillows to keep himself from screaming out my name as I fucked his ass as hard as I could. I came when I imagined how both of us would come as we fucked. _

_I stayed still for several moments after I had finished, desperate to catch my breath. This had been enough to satisfy my desire for the moment, but somehow I knew that I would probably wake up in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning and have to do the same thing again. There was just no stopping it. It was starting to get worse and worse as time passed between us. I didn't know how long I would be able to keep up like this..._

Colby had already come to his orgasm, the results of it across Jon's abdomen. Jon was getting closer and closer as well, trying to hold back just a bit out of sheer selfishness. He loved the way his lover looked. Colby looked so sexy there above him, a look of utter satisfaction on his face. "I want you to come inside of me. Do it, Jon. You feel so fucking good...I want you to come for me..." Colby whispered in Jon's ear. Jon gripped Colby's body tightly and fucked him, his lover letting out a loud moan as he did. Jon let go inside of him, the waves of his orgasm lasting longer as Colby continued to move slowly up and down on his cock even after he had finished.

Jon closed his eyes once again as they both settled back into bed together. He took deep breaths and enjoyed the afterglow of their exchange. Jon could feel Colby looking at him, he opened his eyes and turned his head back to see Colby watching him. "What?" he asked, grinning.

"Nothing." Colby answered, letting Jon know that he wasn't supposed to catch that moment. "I just was thinking about this." Colby said softly. Jon's heart sank for some reason. It seemed that it always did when Colby began to talk about "this". "I don't know where this is going, and sometimes I'm still not sure what this is or what we're doing." he continued. Jon felt his breath escape him. He was hoping as hard as he could that this wouldn't turn into something he didn't want to hear. "I might not know any of those things, but I do know...that whatever this may be...I like it." he finished as he wrapped his arm around Jon once again. Jon couldn't help but feel like he had just dodged a bullet. Jon wasn't sure just why, but he lived with the constant feeling that one day Colby would decide that this wasn't what he wanted. Jon felt just a little more hope as he let Colby's words sink in. This had to work. There was no other way. Jon wasn't going to let Colby get away from him, not after all of the time he had spent waiting for things to be this way. This had been the one other thing that Jon had focused his time and energy on besides wrestling, being with Colby. Now that he felt as though he had it, there was no way he would let his end.


	13. Fever Dreams

Author's note: Thank you to all of you who have been reading. I love you guys. This part of the story I am hoping to portray Colby as I imagine he is. He just seems to me to have this sort of innocent, almost childlike quality about him. To summarize, our boys have a bit too much fun out in the snow and cold and Colby ends up with a wicked case of the flu, having some disturbing dreams in the process. Dreams are in italics and are from Colby's POV. I hope all of you will enjoy this part of the story. It's called "Fever Dreams".

Somewhere in the Northeast. Snowstorm. Four pm.

Stuck. Jon and Colby were stuck. They were in the middle of a wicked northeastern snowstorm and the airport was closed. They had been told it would be open in the morning weather permitting. So for now, they were going to have to stay put. They had just returned from an early afternoon house show and were discussing what to do with the rest of their day.

"Let's go see a movie." Colby said to Jon as he looked out the window of their hotel room.

"What?" Jon asked. "There's a blizzard out there and you want to go out in it?"

"Oh, it's not that bad, is it?" Colby laughed. "There's only like, a couple of feet of snow out there, it's not as bad as they're making it out to be, really. I've seen a lot worse. I don't understand why they closed the airport anyway. We have the rest of the night off, when was the last time we were somewhere other than home and we had nothing to do? It's like a vacation."

Jon shook his head. "Let's just stay here."

"Oh, C'mon Jon." Colby pleaded. "When was the last time you went out to see a movie? And what else are we going to do?"

Jon stopped for a moment. Colby was right, he couldn't remember the last time he had been to a theater to see a movie. He had no idea what movie it could have been the last time he went or who he had gone with. That was just one of those things that would fall by the wayside because of the rigorous travel schedule that wrestlers took on. Jon glanced out the window once again. It wasn't snowing that hard any longer, mostly it was just windy and drifting. He guessed that was why they had closed the airport.

"If we get out there and it's bad...we're turning back..." Jon said slowly.

Colby jumped off the bed, grabbing Jon's coat and tossing it towards him. "Let's go!"

"Why are you so excited?" Jon asked, staring at his friend. Colby had this energy all of a sudden, this look on his face that reminded Jon of a child's. Colby looked at Jon like a kid who had just been told by his mother that he could go outside and play even though it was cold and snowy.

"Because, I just want to get out. I want to make the most of this." Colby explained. "I love when you're offered an opportunity to do something out of the ordinary, that you normally wouldn't be able to do. How often on a Wednesday afternoon are we out on the road with no commitments and no way to get to the next city? It's just you and me, and we have nothing to do and no place to go. Let's enjoy it."

Colby stood before Jon and held his coat open. Jon smiled at him and put his arms inside. "You are just like a little kid." Jon commented.

"I am not. I am very grown up. I'm very mature. I just have a young heart, that's all." Colby answered.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Random movie theater. Six ten pm. 

Jon and Colby stepped out of the movie theater, the wind whipping snow all around the street before them. "Now what?" Jon asked as he tried with all his might to light a cigarette from behind the collar of his coat.

"Let's go down the street. I think we passed a restaurant." Colby answered.

Jon grumbled slightly. Colby met eyes with him and smiled. "C'mon." he said as he linked their arms together and began to pull Jon down the street.

Colby and Jon sat in a small booth towards the back of a little restaurant they found down the street from the movie theater. Jon ordered a beer. Colby drank coffee. "So, did you like the movie?" Colby asked between sips of coffee.

"Yes I did." Jon answered.

"You know you like this." Colby said with a smile. "You acted like you didn't want to go out in this weather, but you're having fun with me. I can see it. You don't have to make that face."

Jon scrunched his features, wondering what face he had just been making. "You're right. I do have fun with you. I will walk down the street with you in a blizzard if that's what you wish." Jon said.

Colby grinned. His heart jumped when Jon made comments like that. "I like to hear you say things like that. You don't say them often enough..." Colby said as he trailed off.

"What does that mean?" Jon asked.

"I mean...well, shit." Colby began. He was hesitant to continue. He thought of the words he had said to Jon earlier. Today was a day to do things you wouldn't normally do. "You're quiet about things. You keep your emotions inside. You don't really talk much about anything that pertains to serious matters, like our relationship." Colby stared down into his half empty coffee cup as he continued. "I lay next to you at night when you're asleep and I wonder what you're thinking about, I try to imagine how you feel when you're with me. I try to figure out how it feels for you, because you don't really tell me anything like that. I mean, you haven't shared those types of feelings with me, outside of the physical."

Jon blinked hard. He took in a deep breath and let it out.

"I think about asking you, but I get scared. I'm afraid that I don't want to know the answers." Colby continued, looking up at Jon now as he spoke. "I think that maybe it's better this way, to just keep quiet and let this be what it is and not stir things up. But I do wonder sometimes, what we're doing. I want to ask you what you're thinking and what's going on in your mind, but I am afraid. I don't want to mess with the dynamic we have right now, because I like it."

Jon tried to process what Colby was telling him. Here Colby was longing to put some sort of words to the actions, but he was afraid. Jon knew the feeling all too well. He understood where Colby was coming from. Jon remembered the days when he was too afraid of what the outcome might be to act on his feelings for his friend. Those days were gone, though. And if Colby needed to hear something to reassure him, then Jon supposed he should give it to him.

"You have to understand, Colby, that I don't want to say too much too fast." Jon began. "I know that some nights after we have sex, I am quiet. I probably feel just like you do. I want to say things to you, but I do hold back. I don't want to scare you away." Jon found it funny that they both had the same type of apprehension about the other.

"So what are we doing?" Jon laughed. "Here we are, two grown men. Two close friends. Two lovers. And we lay in bed at night in fear of what the other is thinking and what the other might say if we start asking questions? What is wrong with us? Let's not do this, Colby. Let's not be like this any longer."

Colby studied Jon's face as he explained. He listened intently, watching the way Jon's lips moved as he talked.

"I don't want to hold back any longer. I think we should just let it all out." Jon said. "If we want to say something, we say it. We want to ask questions, we ask away. No more fear. No more holding back. We just open up. Everything we feel, it shouldn't be kept inside. I mean, what's the point of all of this if we do? And if we cross lines, and we say too much, then...we'll recover somehow, right?"

Colby nodded slowly. "It does seem kind of ridiculous, when you say it out loud like that."

"It does, doesn't it?" Jon smiled. "If we're open and honest about things, then there should be no problem. I think we should be able to share with each other. I mean, we were friends before we started all of this, right. We know we can do that part. It's just the rest of it that gets a little complicated..." Jon trailed his thought off then, not sure what he was trying to say. "I just mean that..." Jon sighed. "Even after what I just said I still felt a bit of fear creeping in at the thought of what I was about to say." Jon said, brushing his hair out of his face.

Colby reached his leg across the booth and moved it against Jon's as he smiled. "Just tell me. I don't care what it may be, I'm listening."

Jon took a deep breath. "I have a lot invested in this. More than you know, more than you understand." Jon began. "I don't want to say too much and scare you away, because I have wanted this for so long. I've wanted this for years, and now that I have it..." Jon looked at Colby, his friend was staring at him across the table with those dark brown eyes fixed on him, hanging on every word he spoke. "...Now that I feel like I have it, I have YOU...I don't want to lose it. Lose YOU. I have wanted this for a long time. I have thought about you and I. I have wanted you. And it makes me cringe to think that it might not work." Jon said as he felt his lips begin to curl.

"Don't think about that." Colby said softly. "We have each other. You have me. I'm right here. And I don't plan on going away anytime soon." Colby reached across the table and brushed his hand across Jon's. "Even though there are times when I'm not sure about this, and it's still confusing to me...it makes me feel good to hear you talk the way you just did. You wanted me then. You started this. You made me want you now. It all meets somehow."

Jon smiled at his friend. Jon wasn't used to feeling nervous, but he had been nervous while talking to Colby. He felt it slowly began to slip away from him. Jon and Colby sat in their booth together for a little longer, talking and sharing each others company.

Both men looked out the window when a large group of kids began racing down the street. Colby smiled as he watched them. All of them were bundled and suited up in cold weather gear. They carried sleds underneath their arms and raced down the sidewalk, seeming to not care about the weather.

"Let's go!" Colby said, excited.

"What do you mean 'Let's go'?" Jon asked.

"Jon, obviously there's an awesome sledding spot somewhere close to us. That's where they're all going. Sledding down a hill in the middle of winter, that was one of my favorite things to do with my little brother when I was a kid. Come on, let's go." Colby said.

Jon looked at his friend, seeing that wild look in his eyes he'd seen so many times before, when he knew that Colby was excited about something. "Where do you get these ideas, we aren't dressed to go sledding. And we don't have sleds, Colby."

"There's a hardware store right across the street, I'm sure they must have some there. PLEASE?" Colby pleaded.

Jon groaned. "I don't think they're even open..." Jon said as he tried to look out the window. When he turned back to look at Colby, he was gone. Jon grumbled as he threw a few bills down on the table and chased after his friend.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Random hardware store. Six fifty-five pm.

It was just Jon's luck that the hardware store was still open and they had exactly two sleds left in stock. Jon shook his head as Colby handed the man across the counter his credit card. "Worst. Idea. Ever." Jon mouthed to Colby as the man had his back turned. Colby elbowed him lightly and smiled.

"You'll see." he whispered to Jon.

Jon could hardly keep up with Colby as they trudged through the snow, following the kids to the sledding spot. They came to a huge hill about two blocks from where they had started their afternoon. It looked rather beautiful, as Jon looked at hit. It was covered in white snow, sparkling where any little bit of light hit it from the streetlights. It wouldn't stay that way for long though, as the kids began sledding down the steepest parts of the hill.

"Ready?" Colby asked.

"No." Jon deadpanned. "You go first. I need a smoke."

Colby frowned. "You're going down this hill, Jon."

Jon rolled his eyes. This might have been the way Colby had enjoyed the winter months when he was a child, but this was far from how Jon's childhood had been spent. Jon watched Colby slide down the hill, his arms above his head as he raced the children to the bottom. Jon couldn't help but smile. He thought about how different he was from his friend. Growing up, winter to Jon didn't mean going to the hill and sledding. It meant he would be colder while he stood outside and had to sell drugs. It meant his mother would complain all the more about how cold it was when she stumbled home at five am drunk and angry. It meant that Jon lived in fear that the weather might get so bad that school would be canceled and he may have to actually spend the day at home.

"Did you see me?" Colby asked when he got back to the top of the hill, a huge smile on his face.

Jon pushed all the thoughts about his past to the back of his mind as he remembered that he should be trying to have fun with his friend, not thinking about his childhood.

"Yes, I saw you. You were the biggest kid out there." Jon joked.

"Come on, get on here with me." Colby said as he sat on his sled.

"I don't think that's made for two two-hundred plus pound men, Colby." Jon laughed.

"Stop fighting it, Jon. Just get on." Colby begged, his dark eyes peeking out from the veil of his hood. Jon smiled. He couldn't say no.

Jon couldn't help but feel like a kid as both of them went sliding down the snow covered hill. Jon held Colby's body to his own in a tight grip as they raced down the slope. "See, this is fun!" Colby leaned back and yelled to him as they were almost to the bottom. Jon had to admit, it was fun.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Fun sledding hill. Eight forty-five pm.

Jon spent most of the rest of the sledding adventure sitting on the top of the hill. He watched as Colby expended seemingly endless amounts of energy, helping to give the kids a mega-push down the hill and carrying their sleds back up again once they had made it to the bottom. Jon just watched, every once in a great while getting up when one of the little ones asked him "Push us, mister! PLEEEEEAAAASE!". Jon obliged. It was infectious, this feeling he had received from Colby. He had somehow made Jon feel like a kid, Jon not sure he had ever experienced that feeling when he was the same age as some of these children he was watching now.

Colby eventually came back over to Jon, sitting down in the snow beside him. "You finally tire yourself out?" Jon asked him.

"I think we should go back." Colby said as he leaned closer to Jon. "I'm all wet."

"Is that a come-on or are you saying you're just tired of being out in the snow?" Jon joked.

"No, seriously. I'm cold and wet. I think I've had enough winter adventure for one night. I think we should go back, get a hot shower, and find some blankets." Colby said, huddled closer to Jon.

"Let's go." Jon answered, helping Colby to his feet.

"Hang on." Colby said, taking both of their sleds. He handed them off to a couple of the kids. "We didn't really need them any more."

Jon started up the shower as Colby took off all of his cold, wet clothes. "I told you we weren't dressed for that. I think you got the worst of it." Jon said as he stood in the doorway of the bathroom and watched Colby undress.

"I don't see you taking anything off..." Colby grinned as he glanced at Jon.

"I'm just waiting for you, that's all." Jon replied. "Water's hot. You should hurry..."

Colby closed the bathroom door behind him, standing there before Jon. Colby felt less vulnerable now than he had in the past, standing in front of Jon naked. Colby walked to where Jon stood slowly, reaching out and pulling Jon's shirt over his head and tossing it away. Steam from the shower's hot water running began to fill the room as Colby started taking off Jon's pants. Colby loved the way the steam was beginning to surround him, taking much of the chill away from his skin.

They were both nude now, Jon took Colby's hand in his own and led them to the shower. Both men stood underneath the steady stream of hot water, washing away any remnants of the cold. Jon stood with Colby, his arms wrapped around his body. Jon rested his forehead against Colby's, their noses touching as their hands roamed all across each others bodies. Jon closed his eyes as he spoke. "I've wanted this for a long time, I told you that. But you have no idea how much, Colby. No idea."

"Tell me." Colby said softly.

"I have wanted you ever since we started becoming closer friends, after that night in my bathroom when I was out of my mind. After that, things were different. And I slowly began to realize that I desired you. I wanted you. I wanted to make you mine, I needed you. I was just waiting for the right time." Jon said.

Colby took Jon's face in his hands and kissed him, bringing their bodies to meet as he did. Jon returned his kiss, the water flowing softly between their bodies as they embraced and enjoyed the feeling of their kiss deepening. Colby kissed down Jon's jaw and across his neck. Jon pushed the wet curls of Colby's hair that had fallen across his face and leaned in close, whispering to him, "You were worth waiting for."

Jon and Colby made their way to the bed, still hot and wet from the shower. Neither one cared. They settled on the bed with Colby on the bottom and Jon on top of him, in a sixty-nine position. Colby liked the feeling of Jon being on top in the scenario, he enjoyed the feeling that he had little movement and little control of how hard or how fast Jon was pushing his cock down his throat. Colby moaned as much as he could against Jon's cock, it was getting harder and harder to make any kind of sound as Jon began to move his hips and push his cock farther down Colby's throat.

Colby silently reminded himself to breathe as he tried to relax his throat as much as he could to accommodate Jon's thrusts. He was amazed he could concentrate on what he was doing to Jon, as Jon was doing one hell of a number on Colby's dick as well, taking it down as far as he possibly could and then teasing him by coming all the way to the tip before going back down again.

Jon raked his fingernails across Colby's inner thighs when he felt Colby take his cock all the way in, every inch, all the way down to his groin. Colby just held Jon's cock there for a few moments, humming around it with pleasure as Jon teased the head of his cock with his tongue.

Colby didn't last much longer, he came in Jon's mouth as Jon skillfully sucked his cock. Colby was content to try to finish Jon the same way, but Jon had other plans. He moved off of Colby's body, saying "Don't move, stay right there."

Jon returned above his lover, lubing up his cock. Colby sighed with delight as he watched, ready for what was about to come. Jon moved Colby's legs up so that he could get the best position and began to slowly work his cock inside of his lover. Jon kissed Colby, holding on to his face with his palms. Jon gently pulled handfuls of Colby's long hair as he began to work deeper and deeper.

"This is what I wanted, this is how I always imagined it would be..." Jon whispered in Colby's ear, his harsh, raspy voice now breathy from all the fucking. "You're mine, tell me you're mine..."

"I'm yours..." Colby said softly into Jon's neck.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Middle of the night. Two-fourteen am.

Colby woke in the middle of the night, finding it hard to breathe. He glanced over to his side, Jon fast asleep on his stomach. Colby smiled. He felt a chill going through his body, much like when they had been out in the snow earlier that night. Colby almost felt as though he was shivering. He pulled the covers up across his body and tried to settle back into sleep. He drifted off after a little bit, falling into a vivid dream...

_I opened my eyes, seeing a gorgeous white light. I felt cold, I was outside. I was moving. I felt cold air and snow all around me, the wind whipping at my face. I looked down. I was on a red plastic sled. I looked ahead. I was moving down a hill. _

_I felt a warmth behind me and a breath on my neck. I turned my head just far enough to see Jon, he was seated behind me in the sled. _

_On either side of us, children on sleds raced by, faster than us. "Push us, pleeeeeaaase mister?" they yelled at us. I felt dizzy, my head was foggy. _

_I could hear the faint screams of the kids as they whirred past us down the hill and I could hear the sound of Jon as he took each breath in and out. "Jon, where are we going?" I asked him. I could only see white before us, I couldn't see the bottom of the hill or a place where the children had stopped, they merely raced past us and then disappeared. _

"_Why do you always ask me that?" Jon replied._

"_What?" I asked him. "I think we're dreaming."_

"_You're dreaming." he laughed. "I'm just here for the ride."_

_We were still moving, but I felt as though we weren't getting anywhere. "Where are we going?" I asked Jon again, this time growing impatient. _

"_Who cares. I'm here, you're here. Why can't we just enjoy it?" he said to me, pulling my body closer to his. _

Colby woke up in the morning, coughing. He slowly pulled himself up, sitting on the edge of the bed. He didn't want to admit it, but Jon had been right. They hadn't been dressed for sledding last night, and Colby feared he may have caught a cold from having been so wet and cold out in the snow. All he wanted was to have some fun.

He moved slightly, his body aching. Colby felt like he had been hit by a truck. He coughed again, this time beginning to feel sick to his stomach. He tried to calm himself down, taking deep breaths and trying to soothe his stomach, but it didn't work. He ran to the bathroom, emptying the contents of his stomach.

Colby got up, feeling that chill run through his body again. He reached his palm up to his forehead, shocked to feel how hot he was. He knew right away, he had a fever. "Fuck." he cursed. Colby filled up a glass with water in the bathroom sink and took a long drink.

He returned to bed, Jon beginning to wake up now. "Jon. I think I'm getting sick."

"That's no surprise." Jon mumbled. He sat up, reaching for Colby. "Holy shit, you're burning up." Jon frowned as he pulled his hand away. "You must have a fever. " he continued as he pulled his clothes from the night before on. "I think you should lay back down and try to relax. I'll be right back." Jon said as he headed for the door.

"Where are you going?" Colby asked softly, looking up at Jon.

"To get you some cold medicine." Jon said.

Colby worked his way back underneath the blankets, still feeling cold. He rested there, his chills still coursing through his body. He reached up to his forehead again, this time feeling beads of sweat beginning to form there. He groaned as he pulled the covers away and tried to find a comfortable position. Jon returned shortly, bringing Colby three different cold medicines, cough drops, and orange juice. "Thanks, mom." Colby joked as Jon handed him two pills and some juice.

"I don't think this is a joke, Colby. You're sick." he said as Colby swallowed his pills. Jon removed a thermometer from a plastic package, ordering Colby "Open up." as he pointed the thermometer at his mouth. Colby held it underneath his tongue as he watched Jon stare at him. Jon pressed the back of his hand against Colby's forehead, his eyes growing wider as he did. "You're so hot."

"I know, right?" Colby mumbled against the thermometer.

"This isn't funny. Don't talk, just wait for the timer to go off." Jon said seriously. He got up off the bed and went to the bathroom, returning with a cloth soaked in cold water. The timer on the thermometer beeped and Jon removed it. "One-hundred point eight." Jon said. "Not as bad as I thought it would be, but still not good."

Jon pressed Colby back into his pillow, pulling just a sheet up over his body. He arranged the wet cloth across Colby's forehead. "I think you should just lay here and rest until we have to leave later, if the airport is even open yet." Jon said as he ran his fingertips across Colby's cheek.

"Hey, how do you know so much about taking care of a sick person, huh? I mean, the way you made it sound...I doubt your Mom took this kind of care of you when you were a kid and you were sick." Colby asked, taking Jon's hand in his.

Jon laughed. "You're right, if I got sick when I was a kid my mom wouldn't care. She was too busy with her own life to worry about mine. I guess I just picked up on cliché's from movies and TV shows I watched."

Colby laughed. Jon leaned in and kissed his forehead, telling him "Just lay here and try to rest. I'm going to hit up the gym. I'll come back and check on you." Colby slowly began to feel the cold medicine kick in and drifted off to a dream once again...

_I opened my eyes to see that I was in a square room, a cube. I was surrounded on all sides, top and bottom. Colors flowed across the walls, every color of the rainbow. They transitioned from dark to light, every vivid color you could think of. I walked over to the wall, pressing my hand against it. The colors warped as I pressed my fingers to it, from black at my touch and then slowly transitioning back to the rainbow of colors. I pressed again, this time the place where I had touched turning white. I turned around in a circle, looking all around. _

_Suddenly I began to feel trapped, I let an overwhelming feeling take over me. I needed to find a way to escape. I didn't want to be here, I didn't want to be trapped. _

"_Colby?" I heard a female voice behind me. _

"_Ari?" I asked, recognizing the voice as my ex-girlfriend's. "Where are we?" _

"_I don't know, it's your dream." she answered. She looked just as she had when we dated. She had her long black hair flowing over her shoulders. She was wearing bright red lipstick. She had on a short little white dress. "I'm just here to tell you something." _

"_What?" I asked as I moved closer to her. _

"_I'm supposed to tell you something that you already know, but you don't want to admit." she said._

"_What, what is it?" I asked, reaching out for her. I extended my arm out before me, amazed as colors spread across it, starting at my fingertips and slowly creeping up my arm until they vanished underneath the sleeve of my shirt. I took a deep breath and shook my head, but the colors were still there. "What do you have to tell me?" I asked her again._

"_Jon." she whispered. "It's Jon."_

"_What, what about Jon?" I asked quickly. I stared at her. She was staring down at the floor. Her white dress had turned from white to pink, pink to red, red to purple, purple to black. I couldn't believe what I was seeing._

"_He's going to hurt you." she said as she met her eyes with mine. "You are going to get hurt, stay away from him." _

"_What are you talking about, Ari? How is he going to hurt me?" I asked, beginning to grow angry._

"_You just have to believe me. He'll hurt you. I know it. You know it, everyone knows it. You just won't admit it to yourself." _

_Colors began to wash the walls, growing darker and darker. I looked for Arianna again but she was gone, I was alone. As it grew darker the walls started closing in on me, beginning to come closer and closer. I was trapped. I couldn't move. I had no way out. I curled up in a ball on the floor and put my head between my knees, waiting for the inevitable to come. _

Colby woke quickly, shooting up in bed. He looked over to see Jon sitting on the bed beside him. "You okay?" Jon asked.

Colby reached up, realizing he was sweating again. "No, I had a bad dream." he said, clearing the wet hair out of his face.

"What was it about?" Jon asked.

"I, I don't remember now. I lost it." Colby lied.

"Oh." Jon said. "You feel any better?" he asked.

"No, not really. How long was I sleeping?" Colby asked, reaching for a bottle of water he knew Jon had put there for him.

"Almost two hours." Jon replied. "You should let me take your temperature again."

Colby put the thermometer back under his tongue, waiting for the beep. Jon made some phone calls while he waited, trying to figure out their travel schedule for the day. Jon removed the thermometer, this time a look of concern crossing his face. "One hundred-one point seven. That's almost another whole degree more than last time."

"I'll be alright. I'll shake it off." Colby replied.

"The airport is open. We're set to leave in two hours." Jon said, staring at his friend. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah." Colby lied. He wasn't fine. He was feeling sick again and it didn't help any that he had just had that dream. It disturbed him. He didn't want to tell Jon about it, not yet. He figured it was best to just keep it to himself.

Friday night. WWE house show. Nine twenty-two pm.

Jon watched Colby out the corner of his eye, he was worried about his friend. Colby had been sick for almost two days now, this morning when Jon had taken his temperature it had climbed all the way up to one hundred-two point three. Colby was working with a nasty fever, he refused to miss the show tonight. Jon had tried to talk him out of it, but he wouldn't hear it. Jon wouldn't have been so worried, but Colby was the one who was going to take the big bump tonight. They tried to take turns, the three of them. One night Jon would take the bump, then Roman, then Colby. Jon pleaded with him right before the show, trying to get him to change his mind. "I'll be okay." was the only answer he would give.

It was almost time now for them to enter the arena through the crowd. Jon was still watching Colby, he was leaning against the wall, his eyes closed. Colby looked like hell. He looked sick, he looked tired even though he had slept through most of the last day and a half. Jon approached him slowly. "I'm only going to ask you one more time, are you sure you're alright to do this?" he asked as he leaned close to his friend.

Colby looked up at Jon, telling him again, "I'll be fine."

Jon and Colby walked down the stairs through the sea of fans, their shoulders meeting several times. Colby gave Jon a look about half way down, and Jon understood without any words being exchanged. Jon put his arm around Colby's shoulder and steadied him as they walked the rest of the way to the ring. Jon knew that his friend was not okay, as Colby would like for him to believe.

Jon hunched down in the corner of the ring, watching out the corner of his eye as Colby took a finisher from Ryback. Jon wanted to move over to him, help him up and get him back to their hotel room. He knew he couldn't. Jon had to sell the fact that he was hurt just a little longer and then retreat through the crowd.

Jon crawled underneath the bottom rope, seeing Roman follow behind him. He watched as Colby collapsed in a heap on the ground beside the ring, basically just falling out. Jon pulled him up by his arm, asking softly if he was alright. Colby didn't answer, he stumbled a few steps to the barricade between the ring and the fans, falling over once again. Jon couldn't decide if Colby was just doing an awesome job of selling or if he was really not able to stand up.

Jon leaned over Colby, asking him once again, discreetly, "You okay?".

Colby looked up at Jon, shaking his head. Jon helped Colby over the barricade and then decided he couldn't take it any longer. He picked Colby up and carried him over his shoulder the rest of the way through the fans, and all the way back up the stairs of the arena. _"They'll love this on the internet." _Jon thought to himself as he carried his friend. "_Probably be a million cell-phone pictures of this tomorrow..."._

Trainer's office. Nine fifty-five pm.

"Well, you don't appear to have any injuries. No evidence of a concussion. You do however seem to have a nasty fever." the WWE physician explained to Colby, Jon standing over him.

"Yeah, I know...it's just a cold. I'll make it..." Colby said slowly.

"A fever is nothing to take lightly, it can be a very serious matter if it continues to rise and doesn't eventually 'break' so to speak." the doctor continued. "I think you should go back to your room and get some rest. And I'm going to recommend that you take tomorrow off for your own well being. I don't think you're in any condition to be working. At least not for a day or so."

"No, I'll be fine..." Colby said again, his eyes half closed.

"You won't be fine, you're really sick." Jon chimed in. "Your fever keeps getting higher and higher. I don't like it."

"Your friend is right. I think you should take some ibuprofen to help reduce your fever and get some rest. Come back in a couple of days." the doctor concluded.

"But I'm supposed to wrestle." Colby said, trying his best to sit up, but finding all of a sudden he didn't have the strength.

"Well, son...that's why it says 'Card Subject To Change' on the program."

Hotel room. Ten twenty-eight pm.

Jon helped Colby crawl to their hotel room, by the time they had arrived Colby was barely able to stand up on his own. Jon began to worry more and more about his friend. He knew that Colby was just sick, it was probably a bad case of the flu. Still, it hurt him to see his friend this way. This was so different from how he usually was. Colby was always full of life, brimming with energy. Looking at him now, Colby was hunched over, worn out, sick, lifeless.

Jon helped Colby remove his clothes. "Are you hot or cold?" Jon asked.

"Both." Colby said. Jon frowned. He helped Colby swallow down a few ibuprofen and made him a cool towel to put on his forehead once again.

"How do you feel?" Jon asked him.

"Tired." Colby mumbled. All Colby wanted to do was sleep. He was almost afraid to sleep, thinking of the dreams he had been having ever since he got sick. He didn't want to fall into another one of those.

"You should rest then." Jon said, pushing Colby back so that he was resting against the pillow. "I'll be here if you need something."

Jon walked through the entrance of their hotel and out to the street. He pulled the hood of his coat up over his head as the snow whipped around him. Jon smiled at the memory of the fun time he'd spent with his friend a few days earlier out in this snow. Jon cursed it, knowing that it had made his friend sick. He lit up his cigarette, taking a deep puff and feeling slightly better. He had to get out of the room they were sharing and come outside for a smoke. He couldn't just sit there and stare at Colby any longer. He knew a smoke would calm him down. Jon hoped that by tomorrow Colby would start feeling better.

_I opened my eyes to my third grade classroom. What the fuck was I doing here? I looked around. It slowly began to dawn on me that all of my former classmates were here. Every one of them, they looked just like they had when we were kids. I looked down at myself. I was a grown up, I was my current age. "Holy shit." I whispered to myself, the boy in front of me turning around and giggling as I did. "Sorry." I whispered. _

_Then I heard her voice. Goddamnit, that voice. I had always hated it. My third grade teacher. Ms. Brooks. Back in third grade some of the kids told me she was a lesbian. I remember not knowing what that meant until a few years later. Looking at her now in my dream, I realized the kids were probably right. I was sure that she hated me. She always yelled at me. I could never figure out why. _

"_COLBY!" There, she was doing it again! All I was doing was sitting here. She walked over to my desk slowly. "You think you're so grown up, don't you?" she asked me, tapping her ruler on my desk as she did. _

"_Yes?" I said slowly. I knew as soon as it left my lips it was the wrong answer. _

"_You're not too old for detention!" she bellowed at me, pointing at the door. _

_From behind me I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned, seeing it was Jon. Jon was grown up as well. "Hey man, detention isn't so bad. I'll go with you..."_

Colby woke up slowly, remembering only bits and pieces of the dream he had just been in. He looked up to see Jon. Jon was pulling him up and wiping sweat off of his forehead. Colby began to cough and couldn't stop. Jon waited patiently until it had passed, instructing Colby to open his mouth so he could take his temperature. Colby's head felt heavy, he was still half asleep. He couldn't tell if this was real or if it was part of his dream. Jon took the thermometer out, shaking his head as he looked at Colby. "One hundred-three." he said.

Jon helped Colby take some more ibuprofen and drink some water before letting him settle back into bed. He watched as his friend slowly drifted back to sleep. Jon was even more worried than earlier about Colby's health. His fever was still climbing. Jon decided if it hadn't dropped some by the next time he took his temperature, they would be making a trip to the hospital. Jon reached down and pulled Colby's hair out of his face, brushing his fingertips across his cheek as he did. "Pretty baby." he whispered as he kissed Colby softly, not wanting to wake him again. "I just want you to feel better. I love you..."

_This time when I opened my eyes Jon and I were in a different classroom. I assumed that this must be detention. Jon and I sat at a table with some books and papers on it. I looked over, seeing that there were some kids here with us in detention. I laughed lightly then, it striking me as hilarious all of a sudden that it was just Jon and I in the room with other third graders in detention. _

"_What are you laughing at, mister?" it was my third grade school principal. He was always such a dick. "Go solve the math problem." he commanded as he pointed to a dry erase board across the room. _

_I didn't want to get up, but I did. My body just moved, it was like I had no control over it. I walked over to the board, trying to read it as I got closer. Written on it were the words "Pretty Baby" and underneath that "I Love You". I scratched my head.  
"This isn't a math problem." I complained, but there was nothing left behind me, nothing but Jon sitting in a chair. His legs were crossed and he was staring at me. My principal was gone, the kids were gone, everything was gone but Jon._

_I was staring at the words in front of me when I heard a big, booming voice from above me. "Solve it. Move the letters." I jumped, not knowing where the sound had come from. I looked around, confused. I stared at the letters once again, they were no longer on a dry erase board, they were just floating in front of me, black letters against a wall of solid white. _

"_Solve it?" I asked myself. "What does that mean?" _

_I read the words again. "Pretty Baby", that was what Jon would call me sometimes. Mostly he would only call me that during sex. I could never figure out why he called me that, and I didn't know if I liked it or not. It made me feel strange when he called me that, in both good and confusing ways. _

"_I Love You", Jon had never said that to me, but now as I thought about it, maybe he had. It seemed like he had, but I couldn't remember when it had happened, where we had been. It seemed familiar, but I couldn't place it. Maybe he hadn't said it, maybe I had just imagined it. _

_I reached out, doing as the voice had told me. Move the letters. I was amazed as I reached out for the letter B and it moved. How was this happening? _

"_Solve the problem." the voice repeated. _

"_What problem? They're just words!" I yelled as I looked up. There was nothing there, just another solid white wall. _

_I looked over and Jon was suddenly standing beside me. "It's not that complicated." he said to me, taking my hand. "Just read it. It is what it is. Nothing more, nothing less." _

_I tried to make sense of his words, but I couldn't. I looked over again and he was gone. I raised my hand, still able to feel the touch of his hand on my own. I sighed, beginning to miss him. I felt a tear run down my cheek as I realized he was gone from my dream and I didn't know how to get him back. I wanted him, I wanted him to be here with me and try to make sense of all of this. _

_I reached out, moving the letters around until I had made two new words. I slowly began to walk away, turning one last time to look at the words before leaving. _

"_Bye, Lover"._

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Hotel room. Nine fourteen am.

Colby woke from his sleep, looking around the room. Jon. Where was Jon? Colby began to piece together the dream he'd had the night before as he walked to the bathroom. He tried to find meaning in it, but couldn't for the life of him begin to understand what it was all supposed to mean, if anything at all.

Colby got back in the bed, pulling the covers up over himself. He reached up to his forehead once again, this time finding that he wasn't sweating for the first time in two days. He still felt sick, everything was hazy. Colby was in the middle of a thought about whether or not to tell Jon about his latest dream when he heard the door opening. Jon was back.

Jon came in, setting down a tray and moving over to the bed. "You should let me take your temperature again." he said. Colby nodded. He stared at Jon as he waited for the thermometer to beep. Colby smiled against the thermometer, watching his friend. Jon had been taking good care of him the last few days. Colby was grateful.

Jon took out the thermometer and smiled this time, reading Colby the numbers. "One hundred-one point seven." he said. "I think it's finally starting to drop."

"Good." Colby mumbled.

"I brought you some breakfast. You need to eat something. I don't think you've really had anything to eat for the last two days." Jon said.

"I don't really..." Colby began to say, but he stopped. He saw the look on Jon's face. He knew that the answer of 'no' wouldn't be accepted. Colby had to admit, he was finally hungry for the first time in two days.

Without any other words exchanged, Jon helped Colby eat breakfast. When they were finished Jon helped Colby take a cool shower in hopes of bringing his fever down more. Jon wrapped his friend in a towel and pulled his long hair back away from his face. Colby smiled, saying to Jon "This seems oddly familiar. I think we've done this before, only the other way around."

Jon closed his eyes and stopped, stunned that Colby had said that. "Thank you for taking good care of me while I've been sick." Colby said as he wrapped his arms around Jon's neck.

Jon kissed his friend, pulling him in as close as he could. "You took care of me once, now I've returned the favor." he said.

Colby began to feel a bit better as the day went on. Jon had left with Roman to head to the next city and the next show. Colby would have to be content to just catch up to them in a day or two. Colby spent the day sitting in bed, watching television and letting his mind wander. He slowly drifted off to sleep again in the mid-afternoon, the cold medicine he was taking once again knocking him out...

_This all feels so familiar. I've been here before. Where the fuck am I? I know where I am, why can't I figure this out? I know this place, where is it? I look down at myself. I'm wearing my wrestling gear. I glance around me. I'm surrounded by fellow wrestlers, my former co-workers in FCW. Jon. Where's Jon? Oh shit, he's right beside me. _

_I know where I am, I'm in the old arena in Tampa we used to tape FCW. I slowly begin to realize what day it is. It's the day when Jon and I had our first match against each other. "Holy shit, what am I doing here?" I say softly. _

_Jon looks at me and grins. "You ready for our match?" he asks me._

"_Yeah..." I say. I slowly remember, Jon wants me. He wants to be with me right now but I don't know that yet. He probably wants to kiss me right now. Holy shit._

_I remember what happens next, we all stand together an hour or so before the show starts and we listen to some of the old timers talk to us, tell us to bring it, that we're the future of wrestling. I loved that day. It was a perfect day. And here I am again, in my dream. I look over at Jon. He's still standing beside me, listening to Dusty Rhodes talk. I begin to think about what must be on his mind this day, what he must be thinking. _

_He had told me that ever since that night at his house in Cincinnati that he had been desiring me. He wants me right now, but he's not ready. He thinks I'm not ready. _

_I'm ready._

"_Jon..." I lean over and whisper to him._

_He looks at me with those blue eyes, something mysterious about the look on his face. It's no mystery now, I know what that look means. _

"_Come with me, I need to talk to you...let's sneak away for a minute..." I say softly. I grab his hand and lead him away from everyone else to an empty room. _

_I kiss him, grabbing him up and embracing him. He kisses me, gripping my body in his tightest grip. "Jon, why did you wait so long?" I ask him._

"_I didn't want to lose you." he says. "I was afraid you wouldn't want me. I'm not perfect, Colby. I'm flawed. I might not make it through this, I might fuck it up." _

"_Shhh." I say as I put my fingers to his lips. I kiss him once again, our bodies meeting. I hold his face in my hands, not wanting to let him go. Suddenly there is a bang on the door, a voice yelling at us from the other side. "You boys stop kissing in there, it's time to wrestle!"_

Colby woke to the sound of his phone going off beside him. "Fuck..." he said as he fumbled to pick it up and see who it was. Jon. He had sent Colby a text.

"_Have you taken your temperature lately?"._

Colby smiled. Of course it was Jon. He was glad it was Jon and not someone else. Colby got up out of bed and put the thermometer in his mouth. Colby sent him a text as soon as the beep went off. "_One hundred even. I think I'll live after all."_

Two Days Later

"Jon, what do you think dreams mean?" Colby asked as they drove to the next show.

"Why are you asking me this?" Jon said, annoyed.

"Just answer the question." Colby replied.

"Well, I don't have the most learnin', Colby..." he said, "But I think that dreams are just some sort of manifestation of things on your mind, they're just something your brain creates. It's got to do with chemicals and hormones and all those other wonderful things our bodies have going on in them..."

Jon continued. "Look, I don't really know what they mean. I don't know if they MEAN anything. I guess it depends on the person. If you want them to mean something then they do. If not, then they don't."

Colby didn't know if he liked that answer or not.  
"Why, what did you dream about?" Jon asked.

"I just had these strange dreams when I was sick." Colby answered.

"About what?" Jon asked him.

"I don't really remember specifics." Colby lied. He didn't want to tell Jon about any of his dreams. "I just remember that they didn't FEEL like any other dream I've ever had before. They were so bright, they were so alive. They almost seemed real."

"Too bad you don't remember." Jon said.

"Yeah." Colby said softly.

"Well, all that matters is that you're okay now, right?" Jon asked as he glanced over at his friend.

"Right." Colby answered, reaching over and putting his hand on Jon's lap as they continued to drive.


	14. Chapter 14

Author's note: I just wanted to thank all of you on here who have been loyal readers and to the few of you who always review, an even bigger thank you! I started this just because of the fact that I wanted to indulge my own selfish fantasies about these two kissing, and it has turned into much more than I thought it ever would. Not sure where this is going or when it will end, I've just been taking it chapter by chapter. Side note: How awesome is it that we finally get to see our boys wrestling, right? Very inspirational, if you know what I mean. I hope you all enjoy this part of the story. Flashbacks are in italics and told from Jon's POV. Special guest in this chapter. I don't want to spoil it, read on to find out who...

_January 2012_

_It was a bad night. I kept tossing and turning in my bed. I couldn't sleep. It had been a long day, very long. I had worked at our FCW taping and wrestled Colby. It had sent me into a frenzy. Colby had become all I thought about, all I could see. It was killing me slowly from the inside out that I couldn't have him. I had been on the verge of telling him a few weeks ago, just grabbing him and kissing him...but I thought better of it and somehow managed to hold it back. _

_Before our match, I could barely concentrate on what we were talking about, on the order of the spots we were planning on calling ahead of time. My mind had grown fuzzy, my head wasn't clear. I was deep in a rut and I didn't know how to get myself out of it. After out match, my body was full of what felt like electricity. I mean, I was used to that '"high" feeling that you get after a match, it was normal for your body to feel that way. But this was different. This was more. I had built up so much sexual tension, so much unrequited longing for him that when it was over, after being in such close physical contact with him for over fifteen minutes, my body didn't know what to do. I didn't think there was any way to turn my mind off tonight. Well...there was one way..._

_I glanced over at my clock. It was nearly two am. He would still be up. I figured I had nothing to lose, the worst he would tell me was 'no' or 'not tonight'. I knew, though, that he wouldn't. In my relationship with him, there had never been a time when I reached out to him and he refused me. I decided it was all I could do, given my current state. I picked up my phone and sent out a text. "Come over. I need you." _

"Slow down..." Jon said softly. Colby was doing a little too good of a job of sucking on his cock, Jon wasn't quite ready to cum yet.

"Do I have to?" Colby asked playfully as he used his hand to move up and down the length of Jon's shaft. "I was just beginning to enjoy myself..."

Jon pulled him up then so that Colby was on top of him. He locked his lips with Colby's, kissing him with the most passion he could. He wanted to convey with his lips that it wasn't about to end that way, that he wanted their lovemaking to last longer. He needed for them both to enjoy this for longer.

Colby rested his body against Jon's. His hips met with Jon's, their cocks touching as their tongues gently met with each other and the kiss deepened. Jon let his fingertips travel over every gorgeous inch of Colby's skin, across his shoulders and down over his neck. Jon pressed his fingers into Colby's flesh as he began kissing Jon's neck and gently licking along his collarbone. He moved his hips up just enough to make their cocks rub against each other again, closing his eyes and exhaling as they did.

Jon closed his fist in a handful of his lover's hair, kissing him. He wrapped his legs around Colby, pulling him in even closer and bringing their bodies to meet in the most delightful way. The two of them stayed like this for several minutes, just basking in the feeling of their bodies together and the intensity of the kiss they were currently sharing.

Jon rolled them over, gaining the control. He moved down Colby's body slowly, taking time to press his lips to his skin every inch or so as he made his way to Colby's cock. He paused there for a few moments, taking time to make sure his lover's cock was good and hard before they began fucking. Jon sat up to his knees, preparing both of them for Jon's cock to gain entrance inside of Colby. He looked down at his lover, making a mental note of how sexy Colby looked there on his bed, nude. The smallest bit of light was shining in through the blinds, every now and then making shapes move across his body as the wind would blow the tree outside Jon's window or a car would drive by. This was how Jon wanted to have Colby. Completely naked. In his bed. Filled with desire for him. This was the way Jon had always wanted it to be.

Jon moved his body back over Colby's, pausing to engage them in one more long, passionate kiss before making his move. He moved Colby's legs so that they were up over his shoulders, his favorite way to fuck his lover. He positioned Colby just so, so that he was in the optimal position for Jon to fuck him as deep and as hard as he could. Jon made sure he had Colby right where he wanted him to be, leaning forward and locking Colby's hands with his. Jon liked the way this felt, feeling as though he had his lover pinned to the bed with little to no movement possible for him, Jon having all the control.

Jon reached up over their bodies, pressing Colby's arms down to the bed at his wrists. He slowly began to slide his cock inside of Colby, watching the look on his face as he did. Colby's eyes were tightly closed, a serious look across his face. Once Jon was all the way inside of Colby, he let out a deep breath and opened his eyes, meeting with Jon's. Colby strained to reach up enough to meet Jon's lips, kissing him once more as Jon began to slide in and out. "This is just the way you fucked me the first time..." Colby whispered slowly into the soft skin of Jon's neck.

Jon grinned and stared down at Colby, watching his facial expressions still. Colby began to wish that he could touch Jon, but he knew that the pleasure in all of this for Jon was stemming from the fact that he had no way to move. All he could hope to do was move his hips slightly to meet Jon's thrusts. He was finding that to be more and more difficult with all of Jon's body pressing down on him.

"You feel so good, you know that?" Jon asked in his harsh, raspy tone. "You always feel so fucking good. I've been thinking about this all day. Being here and having my way with you. Stripping all of your clothes off and sticking my cock as far up inside you as I can..."

Colby could feel every word cross Jon's lips as they brushed up against the tender skin of his neck as Jon spoke, every now and then feeling the heat of Jon's breath in broken patterns on his flesh as he fucked him. He could also feel his orgasm growing closer as he absorbed Jon's heated words.

"You're going to cum soon, aren't you? I want you to. I want to feel it. I want you to cum right there, between both of our bodies so we both can feel it. Feel how hot and wet it feels against both of us when I make you cum from fucking your ass." Jon continued, Colby closing his eyes and just listening to Jon's words and the sound of his voice as he felt his orgasm coming closer.

Jon locked his lips to Colby's, gripping his wrists even harder and increasing the speed of his thrusts as he did. Colby broke their kiss so that he could let out his sounds of pleasure as he came, pressing his face to the hot, sweaty skin of Jon's chest as he did. Jon kept going, fucking him harder and faster until Colby felt him cum as well.

Jon fell down to the bed afterward, spent. All that he wanted to do now was relax. He wanted to settle in beside Colby and fall asleep for the night. That, apparently, wasn't Colby's plan. "Jon..." he began. "...can I ask you something?"

"Yeah." Jon said softly, pushing the hair back that had fallen to his face.

"I know that there have been others..." he began, Jon propping himself up on his elbow and watching Colby as he spoke. "...I mean...you've had other lovers. Male lovers. I know you have. But I've never asked you about them. I mean...we've never talked about that..." Colby fell silent then, lost in the thought.

"What are you trying to ask me?" Jon asked him.

"Well, I don't know, I guess? I just wanted to know about like...I suppose, how many? And if it's not out of line...who they were?" Colby asked, knowing full well that it was a loaded question. Colby knew that even if he didn't know as much about Jon as he did, he would have guessed that Jon was the kind of guy who had accumulated lots of lovers over the years. Tonight Colby was wondering more than ever before about those other men who had been here before him, in Jon's bed. In Jon's arms.

Colby heard Jon take in a sharp breath, holding it in for a long time before letting it go. "I'm only going to ask this once. You're sure you want to talk about this?" Jon watched as Colby nodded slowly. "Okay."

Jon thought for a few moments about how to answer the question Colby had just asked. "If you're asking me how many lovers I've had in my life, I don't know if I can answer that question. I don't know. Fifteen? Twenty? A number somewhere in between? I guess I haven't really bothered to keep count over the years..." Jon stopped then, unhappy with the direction he had taken this conversation. "Let's start over. How about I tell you a story. I'll tell you the story of the last lover I had before you. How about that?"

Colby sat up a bit in bed, wanting to be fully aware of what Jon was about to tell him. "Yeah, go on."

Jon sighed. "All that time I spent, those couple of years where I wanted you but I didn't act on it...towards the end I had a lover. I used to call him up on nights when I couldn't get you out of my head." Jon said.

"So what you did was, since you wanted to be with me but you didn't think you could...you fucked some other guy instead to take your mind off of me?" Colby asked.

"Not exactly." Jon said as he moved his arm and wrapped it around his lover's waist. "I would have sex with him and pretend it was you." Jon said, trying to judge what Colby's reaction might be by his body language. "I would fuck him and think about you, and only you. He could have been anyone, really. I thought about you during the whole thing."

They stayed there in bed, silent for a few moments. "Who was it?" Colby asked softly.

"You really want to know...?" Jon asked.

_January 2012_

"_I'll be right there." his text response came through to me a few minutes later. I knew he wouldn't let me down. Paul was always available when I needed someone to share my bed with me. _

_I met Paul Lloyd Jr., better known as Justin Gabriel here in the wrestling world, when I first got here. I had only worked with him maybe once or twice. About three months ago, we had started sleeping together. I began to think about how it had started as I waited for him. _

_It was just Paul and I at the end of the night that night when we first shared my bed. All of our friends had already retired for the night. I had a feeling Paul was gay, but I wasn't entirely sure. I told him that night that he could come back to my place and crash so he wouldn't have to drive home. He and I both knew that he didn't live that far from me. I just wanted to take him back to my place to feel him out. _

_We sat that night, drinking beers on my porch. Out of nowhere our conversation took an intimate turn. "You have a girlfriend, Jon?" he asked me._

"_No." I told him. "No girlfriend." I repeated as I began to peel the label from my beer bottle._

"_Yeah. I don't have one either. I like men, actually. Well, predominately. I believe you love who you love and you fuck who you want to fuck, no matter what the gender. But I find myself mostly interested in men." he explained to me. I looked up at him then to see him staring at me. I knew that stare. I had given that stare many times. _

_I it up a cigarette and thought about whether or not I should go this route with him. I figured I had nothing to lose. "I think you've got the right idea." I said to him, smiling. "You should be with someone if you want, who cares if that makes you gay, straight, bi...whatever."_

"_You've been with men before?" he half asked and half observed as he leaned over close to me. I watched, shocked, as he took the cigarette out from between my lips and pressed it between his own, taking a long drag from it before placing it back between my fingers. I nodded. "Yeah, I could tell." he said. I looked at him, thinking about whether or not I should act on this. Paul was a hot man. He was tall, muscled. He had the most soulful eyes. His skin was the most beautiful shade of brown. Paul looked like he would be a great kisser and an even better lover. I concluded that I shouldn't think about it any longer, I should just go for it. He would do, I was only going to pretend he was someone else the whole time anyway. _

_The first time we had sex, I felt a little guilty about sharing the experience with Paul but only thinking about Colby the entire time. I woke the next morning with Paul still in my bed, feeling overwhelmed. I will be the first to admit, I'd done some horrible things to people in my life, but I felt particularly guilty about this one. The night before, I had used someone for sex, not thinking about that person for even a fraction of a second. Not living in that moment with the man I was in the physical act with, but pretending it was someone else, that it was the man I actually wanted it to be. Colby._

_I did it just because I could. That was the only reason. Paul had no idea that I was using him to live out my fantasies about Colby. He had no clue. He didn't deserve that. He had lived up to my expectations and then some as a lover...or had it just seemed like he was good because I was thinking of Colby the whole time?_

_I sat there, staring at Paul in my bed still. He was laying on his stomach. The first bit of light was starting to shine in through my window, I felt him starting to stir. I started to feel more overwhelmed, thinking about what I had done. Paul was innocent in all of this and now I would have to explain to him what I had done. Or maybe I shouldn't? I started to think of the possibility that I may never have Colby as I wanted him, that the sex I had with Paul last night pretending he was Colby was the closest I would ever come. I sat there, my face buried in my hands. I looked up finally to see Paul watching me, a worried look on his face. _

_So, I told him. I told him about Colby. I told him how I felt about my friend. And he just listened. He took it all in and didn't judge me, didn't care that I was spilling my guts out to him. He just listened as I told him about the internal struggle I had been going through with my feelings for my friend. I told him all but the part about how I'd pretended he was Colby... When it was all over and I had said it all, we just looked at each other...and he smiled at me. And I laughed. Ever since then we've been meeting up late nights when I feel the urge to let out some physical release. We've become friends. We've become intimate. But no matter how close I get to Paul, I can't stop myself from thinking about Colby when we have sex. _

_The soft knock on my door drew me out of my thoughts about the last few months with Paul. He was here. He was just what I needed tonight. I needed something to make me feel better. This was the only thing that would do. I needed his body, I needed for him to make me feel something, anything. I needed to close my eyes hard and think about Colby..._

_We didn't waste any time. I pulled him inside my house, his lips meeting with mine immediately. We both knew what he was here for. Sex. We had an understanding. I selfishly liked to think that he got something that he wanted out of our arrangement just like I did, but I wasn't sure. _

_We left a trail of what little clothing we were both wearing from my front door to my bed, kissing and touching the whole time. I shut my eyes and held my hand tight on the back of his neck, imagining that I was deep in a kiss with my friend, not Paul. I could see it, I could see the vision of Colby and I kissing each other instead of Paul and I. If I closed my eyes tight enough and let my mind wander in just the right direction, I could easily see the picture I so badly wanted to see..._

_I imagined that it was Colby, not Paul that whispered in my ear "I've missed you", shivers running all through me as I thought of Colby saying those words to me. How I had wanted to hear him say those words. But hearing someone else say them would have to do for now._

_I kept my eyes closed as I got on top of Paul, our bodies pressed together as we kissed. I pulled him to the edge of my bed, my eyes still shut tight. I got down before Paul on the floor and took his cock between my lips, imagining for the thousandth time how Colby would taste. I opened my eyes only once, glancing up at Paul just for a moment. I saw it all come into focus gently, slowly. I swore I saw Colby there in that moment, not Paul._

"So let me see if I understand this." Colby said, crossing his arms over his chest. "You wanted me. You wanted to be with me, Jon. But you didn't think it was a good time to make a move."

"I knew it wasn't the right time, Colby." Jon sighed. "At that time, If I'd told you how I felt, if I'd grabbed you up and kissed you in your kitchen during that time...it wouldn't have gone the way it has right now. I know. It wasn't the right time. I wasn't ready. You weren't ready."

"So instead of being with me, well...instead of telling me how you felt...you decided it would be a better idea to take another lover and just pretend it was me?" Colby asked. "It just sounds so..." Colby stopped then, not sure what word to use. He was trying to be careful, he didn't want to offend Jon by saying the wrong thing.

"Twisted? Sick? Demented? Wrong? Go ahead, take your pick. Any of those would fit, I'm sure that's what you're thinking." Jon said quickly.

"No, I didn't say that." Colby said softly.

"I know it's what you were thinking." Jon replied. "It's implied. And no matter if you object or not, I know. I know that you find it a bit unnerving. I suppose I can see how you would think that. But you have to think about it from my perspective. I wanted you. I didn't think you would say yes. So was I to tell you and risk losing you or keep it inside? I chose to keep it inside. I coped the best way I knew how."

_January 2012_

_Paul and I collapsed in my bed, both of us spent from fucking. The two of us had been going at it for almost two hours. Even after we'd both had orgasms, we were still hard and we just kept on going until we came again. I propped myself up in bed, fixing the pillows underneath my head so that I could get comfortable. Paul was there beside me, laying on his side, quietly breathing._

_I rested there silent as well, not sure if I should say anything or not. I was feeling conflicted this time and I didn't know what to do. Over time, I was growing more guilty each time after we had sex, knowing that I was doing something selfish by using Paul to fulfill my fantasies about Colby. I bit my lip as I thought about telling Paul. I figured he had the right to know. But I didn't think it would be in our best interest to let the cat out of the bag just yet. I never understood how, but Paul always seemed to understand me. He always knew things, knew them without me telling him. Call it intuition, I guess. But somehow he always knew. _

"_Jon." he said softly, running his hand up and down my leg. "You know you don't have to close your eyes. I mean, it's fine that you're thinking about him while we have sex...but you can at least open your eyes..."_

"_WHAT?" I asked, stirring in bed as I asked him. _

"_You really didn't think I could be that naive, do you?" he asked me, gently pushing me back down to the bed. "I know that you're not thinking of me when you have sex with me, I know it's him. I'm not stupid. I understand. I knew as soon as you told me how you felt about him. It's fine, I can take it. It's just sex." he said to me. _

"_You know. You're not mad? You're not offended?" I asked him, rubbing my hand across his face as I looked at him. "I'm sorry." I said softly._

"_You don't have to be sorry. I knew what I was getting myself into after that first night with you. You made it clear. I kept coming back because I wanted to. Plain and simple. I wouldn't be here with you if I didn't want to be here. I enjoy your company. I like your body. I enjoy sex with you whether you think about me or not." _

"_Yeah, but you don't deserve..." I began to say, but Paul wouldn't let me. He placed his hand over my mouth. _

"_Stop." he said softly. "Just be close to me." So I did as he told me. I settled in close to him, resting my head on his chest. Paul drew me close to him, holding his arms around my body and keeping me near him. "I want to tell you a story and I want you to listen. I need you to listen. I think this is something you need to hear. Please, take my words seriously." he told me, his hands softly playing through my hair as he began to tell me his story._

"_When I was eighteen, my father died. My heart was broken. My father and I were very close. I finished out high school and took off. I decided I couldn't be home any longer. I got out of South Africa and took off to Europe. I ended up in the UK after a few months of traveling." I propped my chin up on Paul's chest and watched his face as he spoke to me, trying my hardest to do as he asked of me, to listen to what he was telling me._

"_I spent almost five years there. I went to college. I studied. I trained and I wrestled. I was having fun. I was living. Then, about a year in...I met someone. I met a man. I fell for him, I loved him from the first day I met him. I knew it. And it grew from there. I wanted him. I needed him. I was in love with this man, but I never had the courage to tell him because I didn't think he liked me. He was my friend. We were close. He didn't know about my feelings for him. I thought I knew that he didn't like men. I was sure that he was straight." Paul paused to look down at me for a brief moment before continuing. I knew he was looking to make sure I was listening, to make sure I was seeing the similarities between his story beginning to unfold and my own life. _

"_I spent almost four years longing for this person. It was bad. I had it bad for this guy. I loved him. If he stood here before me now, today...I would still probably say I loved him. But I never told him. I never made my move. I was too scared. I couldn't do it. I thought about it, hell...some days, it was ALL I thought about. But I let it pass me by. Then, it came time for me to leave. I was coming back home to South Africa because my mother was ill. I was ready to go home at that point anyway, I was at the end of my rope. I'd started to fear I might go out of my mind, obsessing over this guy I loved. The day arrived, my love took me to the airport. He was my ride there, he'd offered to take me. I jumped at the chance because I knew that it would be the last time I would ever see him. So, we get to the airport. We're at the gate. I'm telling him goodbye, there's only a few more minutes and I have to get on the plane. And what does he do?" Paul swallowed hard. _

_I took Paul's hand in mine, trying to encourage him to keep going. I wanted to know how the story ended. "He kisses me. He wraps his arms around me and he kisses me. He tells me all these things, all these sweet things in my ear. He told me that he'd always wanted to kiss me, but that he didn't think I would let him. He told me that he'd developed a huge crush on me over time, and he told me that he was going to miss me. He told me that he was sorry and he left. He just left. I think he was more scared in that moment with me than I had ever been." I closed my eyes then, understanding what Paul was telling me._

"_I left. I came home. I never saw him again. I was going to go back, but I didn't. I asked one of my other friends over there about him once, on a whim. They told me he'd just been married and he had a baby on the way. I knew there was no way I could see him. It was over. I'd lost it. I'd lost him." Paul continued, squeezing my shoulder as he kept talking. "So the moral of the story is, my friend...that you shouldn't keep what you feel inside. I want you to know that I would hate for you to end up like me. You should tell him, Jon."_

_I licked my lips, trying to take in all of what Paul was trying to tell me. Deep inside, I knew he was right. But I didn't know how to do what he was asking of me."Don't let him get away from you, Jon. Because he will. If you don't do something, he will. And I don't need to tell you that it will hurt. Trust me, I know from experience." _

_Paul and I stayed just as we were, laying together. As the sun started to come up, Paul got out of my bed. I watched him as he got dressed, not sure if I should say something to him or not. Paul came back over to me after he was dressed, hugging me. He took my face in his hands and pulled my face up, making me look at him. He kissed me softly. "Tell him how you feel, Jon. Don't wait until it's too late like I did. I found it very hard to live with myself for the first couple of years after that. I don't want to see you go through that. Don't miss an opportunity to be with someone that you might love. It's the worst thing, it's the biggest mistake you can make in your life..." he told me. Paul leaned close to me once again, kissing my cheek and placing his lips close to my ear. "If it doesn't work out though...if you do tell him and it doesn't go the way you want it to...you know how to reach me." I stared up at Paul, not sure what to say in return. He kissed me once again and walked away, letting himself out. _

Colby was too quiet. It was scaring Jon. Jon wanted him to say something, hell, anything. Jon started to think that it was a mistake to tell Colby this part of the story. But, it was how that had come to be where they were now. "Colby, you understand why I told you all of this, right?"

"Yeah. I see. I get it. I just...I never realized that it was so...intense for you. I didn't know that you were so far in. All of that time with you through the years, and you felt this way about me but never told me. You went to the trouble of taking a lover and pretending he was me. That's pretty extreme, Jon." He said.

"Like I told you, I didn't want to lose you. I would have told you sooner. I wanted to, god knows I wanted to. But it just wasn't the right time. And being with Paul...he made me see that I couldn't just let it pass me by forever. So, over the next few months I put more and more thought into it. And...well...you know how it ends." Jon said. "With the two of us here together."

Colby smiled. Just when he thought he was close to understanding Jon, he realized that there was still so much he didn't know. It scared him. It scared the hell out of him and he didn't know what was coming next. Colby was just starting to see the depths of the desire Jon had for him. It was intimidating, to say the least. Colby felt that nervous feeling starting to creep back in, that same one he felt the first night that the two of them shared a room together as lovers. He knew Jon was waiting for him to say something, but he couldn't find words that would fit. Colby just shook his head, laying down beside Jon.

"Just tell me that I didn't say the wrong thing." Jon whispered. "Tell me I didn't scare you away."

Even through Jon's tough, raspy tone of voice, Colby could hear the fear in his words. He knew what Jon was asking. "I'm here. I'm here with you. I'm still yours. It's just lots to ask me to process in one night, that's all."

Jon understood. Even though they had agreed to be open and honest to the fullest extent with each other, he knew that he was still afraid that he could say too much and lose Colby. He couldn't have that. "Just trust me. And be patient with me. If you don't understand me, I'll do the best I can to help you understand."

"I know." Colby whispered softly into Jon's neck. "I know."


	15. Chapter 15

Author's note: As always, a thank you to all of you here who have read my story. The BIGGEST thank you to my readers who always take time to review. Shit is about to hit the fan. Prepare yourself. POV's will switch back and forth. Hopefully this isn't too confusing for anybody. Starts out with Colby. Here we go...

Wednesday night...

I found myself feeling strange on this Wednesday night at Jon's house. He was acting strangely. When we'd arrived home to Tampa that day, things felt odd. It was something that I couldn't quite put my finger on, but I knew something was off. Jon was quiet, that was my first clue. More quiet than I'd ever seen him, to be honest. My second red flag came when Jon offered to cook me dinner at his house. Jon wasn't really the kind of guy who cooked someone dinner. I'm sure that when he told me he'd make us dinner that I must have had a hell of a look on my face. I didn't know what to say, so I just nodded and walked with him through the grocery store as we shopped.

I knew that the strange feeling I was getting was also partly due to the fact that the horrible dreams from a couple of weeks ago were still bothering me. I tried my hardest to forget about them, but they just wouldn't go away. The one that bothered me the most was the dream where my ex appeared to me and told me to stay away from Jon, that he was going to hurt me. Some deep, dark part of me knew that it was probably true. I guess that was the risk I was taking...

Surprisingly, Jon was a decent cook. We had light conversation over dinner. Afterward I put the dirty dishes into his dishwasher as Jon smoked a cigarette outside. He knew I didn't care for the smoke, so he was trying his hardest to cut back and stay far away from me when he did. It was just starting to get dark out. There was only just a bit of the day left. I stood there, watching Jon. He looked at me briefly before returning to his smoke. I took out of the refrigerator a beer for him and a water for myself and joined him outside. Jon had a spacious fenced in backyard just off the side of his kitchen. I could remember the first time I'd been here feeling jealous of him, having this nice space where he lived. I thought of how perfect it would be for my dogs to run around in.

I opened his beer and handed it to him. Jon smiled at me, a welcome sight. I liked it when he smiled. Those moments were rare. Usually Jon had this smirk on his face. Not a smile, a knowing smirk. Like there were secrets that only Jon knew and he was aware that the rest of the world may never be so privileged to find them out. But a smile...a true smile. I loved those. A smile meant he was more relaxed. A smile meant he was comfortable. I liked to think he smiled like that the most when he was spending time with me.

We sat down in the grass together and started talking about work. It was the only thing there was to talk about, really. It felt like a safe thing to talk about, so that was what I chose. The ground was a bit chilly, and the night air was beginning to get just a little colder. "You want to go for a drive?" he asked me, running his hand over the tips of the blades of grass next to his leg. "It's a nice night for a drive. I know of a nice place to go where there's a beautiful view and it's pretty private."

"Let's go." I said.

Jon was telling the truth. He drove us up a secluded back road that reminded me of something out of a movie, where all the local teenagers go to make out in their cars at night after the football games. It seemed a bit cheesy to me, but the view was beautiful. Jon and I stretched out on the hood of his car, just taking in the scenery. It really was gorgeous. The night sky was clear and you could see lots of stars. The parts of the city you could see through the trees were lit up by lights.

"So this is make out point?"I asked him, laughing.

Jon smiled. "Do you want it to be, because it could be..."

I smiled as well. "This is where you take all the guys, huh..." I joked.

Jon shook his head. "Just you." he said in return.

I continued to smile. Jon turned to his side and put his arm around my waist, his hand gently sneaking underneath my sweatshirt and touching my bare skin. It sent a shiver all through me, only partly from the slight chill in the air. It happened every single time his fingers met my skin, that chill. No matter how many weeks had passed us by now, it still had that same power over me. When Jon touched me, it still felt somehow new. Sort of forbidden. It sent a thrill all through me, when his fingertips softly played with my flesh. Then, as the chills slowly subsided, a fear would begin to creep in. That fear of having a relationship like this with Jon. Things had come to a serious point very quickly. Over the last six weeks or so, we'd only spent a few days apart. Most of it was work related, I mean...we had to be on the road together. But even when we weren't working, we would plan to stay together. I could feel myself getting more and more lost in him. There was no way to stop it. I wasn't sure I wanted to stop it.

"It really is a nice night, isn't it?" he asked me.

I looked at him. He was staring up at the sky now, I guessed at the stars that were out. I swallowed hard. Jon looked so sexy. I just stared at him, trying to take it all in and understand how he made me feel this way. I watched those blue-green eyes of his as they blinked slowly, staring up at the sky. His face was covered in three-day old stubble, his hair carelessly falling across his forehead. I resisted the urge to reach over and brush it away with my fingers, not wanting to ruin this image of him I was taking in. He looked so beautiful. How could someone like this ever hurt me? What had my dream meant? I knew that dreams were just dreams, they weren't real. The dreams I experienced when I was sick though, they were more vivid and realistic than any others I had ever lived. I was having a hard time shaking the thought that maybe they did mean something.

"Colby?" he said softly, breaking my thought. I looked in his eyes, seeing that familiar look in them, I smiled at him, wondering if he'd caught me looking at him. Jon leaned in closer to me and kissed me. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to get lost in our kiss. I felt Jon's hand as it slowly moved up my body, finally resting on my face. Jon placed his hand on my cheek, his fingers behind my ear and his thumb just underneath my eye, gently moving back and forth. I reached for his body, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and holding him close to me. Jon started kissing down my neck, making those familiar shivers return...

XxXxXxXxXx

I was feeling rather nervous as I leaned over to kiss Colby. I'd been nervous all day today. It was something strange for me, the way he made me feel. Loving him made me feel something I had never experienced before. I couldn't recall any other time I was intimate with someone and they made me feel this uneasy. I understood what it was, it was my fear of losing him. That was the last thing I wanted. I was thinking of what to say to him next during the flight home. We had come a long way in these last few weeks. Now I was looking for something more. I wanted to hear him tell me that this was real. I needed to have him tell me he wanted this as much as I did.

I kissed him, loving the way his soft lips felt against my own. I began to lose myself in this moment, just letting our mouths meet and gently letting my fingers make their way up his body underneath his clothing. I took a deep breath in, taking the familiar smell of Colby's body in as I started kissing along his neck and behind his ear. I decided it would be better to stop now, I could feel the moment between us getting heated rather quickly and I wanted to save that for later in the night.

I moved, propping myself up on my elbow. "Colby. I need to ask you something." I began to say to him. I knew that this conversation was going to be heavy. There was no way around it. It needed to happen. All I wanted was for him to tell me that he wanted me, that he needed this as much as I did. Deep in my mind, I knew that there was no way he felt as much for me as I felt for him. Not yet at least. But I needed to at least hear him say that he wanted to try. That he wanted to keep going. "Is this what you want? Is this really something you want? I need to know if you and I are going to keep on heading down this road the way we have been?" I asked him, gesturing between the two of us as I did. "Just tell me. I need to know that you want this."

I looked over at Colby. His eyes were looking directly down, at the hood of my car. I sighed after a few silent seconds between us and took his face in my hands. Our eyes met and I continued talking to him. "I don't want to go any farther if you don't want this...if you don't think your heart is in it. I know your body is willing. We've established that." I said, moving my left hand down along his neck and then across his chest. "I love the physical. But I need to know that it can be more than that. It goes much deeper than that, at least for me. I spent years trying to sort out my feelings for you. They went from friendship to desire to need and then..." I paused for a moment, trying to come up with the words to properly describe the way I felt for him. "...then it turned into a combination of all of those things. Which I guess I can only describe in one word. Love." Goddammit, had I really just said that again to him? It made me feel so vulnerable that I almost felt sick to my stomach. "I love you and I want you. But if you don't think you can return that to me...if you have for just one second a doubt about your ability to have that kind of relationship with me...tell me. Tell me now."

XxXxXxXxXx

Fuck. Why did Jon always have to be so intense? Everything was peaceful just a minute ago and then he has to drop the intensity bomb on me. I felt my hands grow sweaty and my mouth go numb. Where were the words? I didn't know how to talk. I didn't know what to say. I moved my hand over to Jon's and placed it on top of his, gripping it hard. I didn't know where to start. Then, I thought about what he had just said.

"Wait...did you just say you love me?" I said softly.

"I did." he told me as he took my chin in his hand.

I dropped my eyes then. I couldn't look at him. My mind flashed back to my dream. The dream where I was looking at words, the words 'I love you' were in front of me in that dream. I remembered in the dream feeling as though Jon had told me he loved me, but he hadn't. Not until now.

"Colby? What's wrong?" he asked me. I shook my head and looked at him. There was a worried look on his face.

"No, nothing." I said quickly. "I'm okay. I just...it just...no...never mind."

"Look, I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable..." he said, his hands making their way up my face and through my hair.

"No, it's alright. I just was thinking, that's all..." I said. I let out a deep breath and turned away from him, laying on my back and staring up at the sky. "I just need to process this. I need to think about what you just told me. If you're looking for some kind of answer...I guess I don't know what the answer is..." I said, trailing off.

Jon sat up beside me. I could feel him looking down at me. I couldn't look at him, not right this moment. I stared up at the sky instead. "You don't know what the answer is..." he said to himself, letting out a light laugh as he did. "Colby, it shouldn't be something you have to think about." he said seriously. I started wondering if I had worded my answer the wrong way. "It's a yes or no question and one that you should know the answer to. Not one that you should have to give any kind of thought to. I'm asking you if this is what you want or not. And you should know. You should just know, either way. Yes? Or no?" he asked me.

I felt my teeth grind together as I searched for the right words to use. I started to realize I needed to choose my words carefully or this could take a wrong turn, and fast. "Let me think about it." I said to him finally, turning to look at him when I had finished my sentence. Jon sat there, staring straight ahead. We just stayed that way, silent for a few minutes. I reached my hand over to him and moved it up and down his leg a few times, hoping to earn a look or maybe a few words from him in doing so. He just stared ahead. "Jon?" I said softly.

"Let's go home." he said quickly as he jumped off the car. He was already inside before I could even get off the hood. I took a deep breath in and held it, knowing that I had made Jon angry, or maybe frustrated...or god only knows what. I understood what he was looking for. He wanted me to give him some sort of validation. Give him some hope. I knew he wanted to hear me say to him that I was ready to make this relationship more serious. I couldn't say that to him. Not tonight. I wasn't sure. I didn't want to lie to him. I didn't want to lead him on. I needed to think. I knew though, that Jon wouldn't understand that.

XxXxXxXxXx

When we got back to my house I wanted to get as far away from Colby as possible. It hurt. It hurt like hell. I needed him to tell me that he was ready to take our relationship to any place I was willing to take it. That he was ready. Hell, even that he was willing to try even if he was unsure. But I didn't get any of those things. I got a 'let me think about it'. What kind of answer was that to a question that you should already know the answer to?

Hell, I had told him that I loved him. I think that was the worst part. He asked me if I'd really just said that to him and then just ignored it. He reacted like I hadn't even said it. And he couldn't return the sentiment? That had to be the worst part. It made me angry to think about it. I could feel it rising up inside of me, and I didn't want Colby to see it.

I went inside, stopping at my fridge to grab a beer. I went back out to my backyard and lit up a cigarette. Colby was close behind me, I could feel him staring at me. I didn't want to look at him. I couldn't speak to him. I didn't know how to deal with this tonight in a nice way. "I think you should go home." I said to him.

"What?" he said to me, his eyes growing wide.

"Home. I should take you home. I can't do this right now." I said to him.

"Jon, c'mon. I don't think we should..." he started to say to me. I didn't want to hear it.

"I'm taking you home. Let's go. Get in the car." I said as I walked past him, grabbing my keys off the kitchen counter.

Colby followed me, again trying to protest. I just kept walking. I couldn't look at him, I just couldn't. I was getting more and more irate. I didn't want to say or do something I might regret. Eventually he got the picture and just accepted the fact that I was going to drive him home. Silently, we got in the car and started driving. I turned on the radio and lost myself in the sounds of anything but my own thoughts as I drove.

When we arrived at Colby's place, I stared at the steering wheel. He reached over and touched my hand. I felt cold. I felt empty. I felt lost. I didn't want him to touch me. I just wanted him to get out of the car and leave me alone for a little while so I could let all this sink in. I was too angry to deal with him at the moment.

"Jon. Just come inside with me. Stay with me tonight. We don't have to do this." he said to me.

"No. No. Just go home. I'm going to do the same. I'll see you at the airport Friday morning. Maybe after that we can talk about this. I can't talk about it right now...I just...I can't..." I stuttered out. I could feel my face growing hot and my anger growing with each passing second as we sat there.

"Why not?" he asked me. I could feel him leaning closer to me.

"WHY NOT? WHY NOT?" I didn't care any longer, I had to let it out. "How can you ask me why not? I told you I needed to hear from you that this was what you wanted. I told you I loved you. And what did I get? WHAT THE FUCK DID I GET, COLBY? I got nothing. I got a non-committal answer from you. Why the hell was I so fucking STUPID, stupid enough to think that maybe just for a minute...you could tell me you feel the same way I do?"

Both of us just sat there in my car, silent for several minutes. I put my head down against the steering wheel, feeling exhausted all of a sudden. "Just get out. I can't talk about this now. Not now. I don't even want to think about it any longer. I can't believe that your answer to me was that you didn't know what the answer is. You should know. You should fucking know. I know..."

"All I want is some time to think about it." Colby said softly.

"You shouldn't have to think about it. If you have to think about it, then the answer is no." I said to him.

"That's not true, Jon." he whispered to me.

"Just go. Just get out. I'll see you Friday." I said to him, reaching over him and opening his door.

I drove off after he got out, driving to the end of the next road over and stopping on the side of the road. I let my head fall back against the headrest behind me and covered my face with my hands. I felt a few stray tears falling down my cheeks. Even though I had tried my hardest to keep them in I knew that it wouldn't be long before they managed to escape. "He doesn't know." I said to myself. "He doesn't fucking know. How can he not know?" I tried to understand what Colby had said to me. I didn't want him to have to think about it. I wanted him to give me an answer. I needed him to say yes or no. He could have said no. I would have accepted it. It would have broken my heart to hear it, but I would have taken it. A non-answer was worse than an answer of no. What was there to think about?

Friday night...

This show was hell. It was the worst night I'd ever worked. Jon and I still had not said a word to each other with the exception of the short conversation we had about work. Even then, I could tell he was still angry. I felt that he didn't want to be near me. It hurt. Why couldn't Jon understand that I needed a chance to think about what he was asking me? How could he expect me to give him an immediate answer?

Was I enjoying what Jon and I were sharing so far? Yes. Yes I was. Was I ready for him to tell me that he loved me? Hell no, I wasn't. It floored me when he told me that. I didn't know what to say. It brought back thoughts of that dream I had, that horribly vivid dream. That dream had seemed so real. If Jon couldn't understand why I needed some time to go through what he was asking me, then I didn't know what to say to him. Had he expected me to say yes to him and jump into his arms? Maybe that was what he wanted. But I just couldn't do it. Not yet.

After our match I changed back to my regular clothes and spent a bit talking to some of the other guys. I watched CM Punk and Cena in the main event from behind the curtain and then went looking for Jon. He was nowhere to be found. "Where's Jon?" I asked Roman.

"He took off, man. He left right after his shower. Told me he needed to get out of here." he answered.

I sighed. I didn't know if he was ready to talk to me or not, but I at least wanted to give it a shot. "If I know Jon...he's probably at the nearest bar...three sheets to the wind by now, by the way he was acting."

I went back to my hotel room. I didn't want to chase him. I didn't want to go to some bar and find him drunk off his ass. That wasn't how I wanted to see him. But, I needed to see him. I wanted to see him. I didn't want to go another night without this being resolved. I took out my phone and sent him a text message.

"Where are you?"

He responded quickly, texting to me "Scooter's bar. Three blocks from the hotel. Come down here. I've got something to ask you."

I put my phone in my pocket, wondering what Jon could possibly have to ask me.

XxXxXxXxXx

I sat at the bar, waiting for Colby to join me. I knew he would come. It was just a matter of time. I was already drunk. I didn't remember how many shots I'd taken. This was my go to way to deal with a situation that I didn't want to have to deal with. To drink. Drown my thoughts in whiskey.

Colby sat down next to me, a frown on his face. "I wish you would have waited for me. I wanted to talk to you. Can we go back to my room and have a conversation?" he asked me.

Did he really think that was going to happen? "Which one?" I asked him, pointing across the bar.

"What?" he asked me, confused.

"Which one?" I repeated. "I know what's going on here. I understand why you didn't give me an answer the other night. It's okay." I slurred out. I took another shot and kept explaining. "So I just need you to tell me which one. Which one do you like?" I asked him again, pointing across the bar.

"Jon, I don't know what you're trying to ask me." Colby said impatiently.

"Is it that blonde girl over there?" I asked, pointing to the short blonde across the bar with the fake tits. "Is she your type?" I looked over at Colby. He shook his head at me.  
"Don't do this, Jon."

"Or is it that girl over in the corner with the black hair. She kind of reminds me of your ex. I think she's the kind you like. Tall, skinny. That kind of dark mysterious girl. Is it her?" I kept on, even though I could tell Colby was agitated. I could tell my his posture, his body language. "Or maybe you fancy that redhead over a the pool table?" I asked him. "Just tell me. I can get any one of those girls, I promise you. Just let me know which one. I'll have them eating out of the palm of my hand in fifteen minutes or less. We'll get her back up to your room and bam...you can have her..."

"Just stop. Stop Jon." he warned me.

I was too drunk, hurt, and angry with him to stop. "No, see...I figured it out. You don't want to be with me because I'm a man. You like girls. I see it now. You don't want to be with me even though I know that you love me. I know you do. Even if you can't say it, I know you do. It doesn't matter that I've awakened something inside of you. You obviously can't handle it, because I have a cock. You can't take the fact that you had sex with a man and you enjoyed it. You can't accept the fact that I love you and I want to be with you. You want a woman. SO...if that's what you want...then do it. Go ahead, Colby. Fucking do it. I'll help you..."

"Jon, you know that's not what this is about..." Colby began to argue with me. "It has nothing to do with me wanting to be with a woman and not you. If I wanted to be with a woman, I would be with one. That isn't why I told you I needed to think about this..."

"There. You said it. You said it." I slurred out.

"What? I said what?" he asked me, anger spreading across his face as he frowned. Good. I wanted him to be just as angry as I was.

"Colby, when people want to do things...they do them. You just said it. If you wanted to be with a woman then you would be. So...by the same logic...if you really wanted to be with me...then you would do that too...right?" I asked him, grinning.

"Why are you grinning at me like that, Jon?" he asked me. "You look fucking crazy and drunk right now and that's not how I want you to be when I try to talk to you about serious matters." Colby stood up then, beginning to walk away from me. I wanted to chase after him. I needed to keep arguing with him. I didn't chase him, though. I let him go. I sat there at the bar, ordering another shot of whiskey.

XxXxXxXxXx

I returned to my hotel room after my altercation with Jon, disturbed. I hated to see him that way. I hated when he was so drunk he wanted to do nothing but argue. There was no way to reason with him when he got to that state and he just wouldn't stop. I began to feel happy that I had opted to get my own room this time instead of sharing with Jon.

"Lastchanc. Ill brng you one ofth ese skankss if you stilll wantme to..." I looked down at my phone, shaking my head. I had received my share of drunken texts from Jon over the years, but this one had to be the winner. Why was it Jon's automatic thought that if I didn't give him the answer he was looking for, I must not want him? I must want a woman? I started toying with the idea of sending him a reply, but I thought better of it. I decided it would be best to get to bed. I stripped down to my boxers and brushed my teeth. I was just about to climb in my bed when I heard shuffling outside of my door. Then my phone went off. "OOPN the sdoor . Imto oodrunkk., to knoccsc.k." Jon was the worst drunk texter.

I opened the door for Jon, knowing full well that I would end up regretting it. Jon stumbled inside, eventually finding my bed and falling on it. I sat on the end of the bed, just watching him. He was breathing heavily. His hair was a mess, no longer slicked back across his head, now all over his forehead. "Jon. I don't want to have a discussion with you when you're inebriated." I told him.

"What? You want me to leave? You want me to go? You don't want me, do you?" he mumbled. "Just tell me. Just tell me now. Tell me you don't want me. Stop fucking torturing me and just let me down. I don't want to do this any longer if this isn't what you want."

I took a deep breath and shook my head. "Jon, why don't you understand where I'm coming from?" I asked him, helping him sit up some so that he could look at me as I talked to him. "You don't get an answer from me and you assume the worst. Please don't think like that, Jon. I don't want to be with a woman. I don't want to be with anybody else. I just want to try to sort out my feelings for you. You had years to figure out what you felt for me. And you expect me to just give you an answer right now? Can't you at least give me the luxury of a few days or weeks to think this thing over?"

"WHY DON'T I UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM?" Jon leaped off the bed, wildly gesturing all around him, yelling. "You shouldn't have to think about it. You should just know. The answer should be clear. WHAT IS THERE TO THINK ABOUT?"

"I can't just think, Jon?" I asked, raising my voice as well. "You'll have to forgive me if I don't just JUMP right into something without thinking about it first! I have my reservations. I have my doubts. If we can just take it slowly and give me some time..."

"You don't trust me do you? You think I'm going to hurt you, you think I'm not good enough for you. You're scared of me, you're scared of this, aren't you?" he said to me, a pained look spreading across his face as he spoke.

"How could I not be scared?" I asked softly.

"I don't want to drag this out any longer." Jon said as he walked over to me. He took my face in his hands as he continued. "Just tell me. Tell me you want to be with me. Tell me you love me. Please, Colby. Just give me the answer that I know we both want to hear. I need you. I need to hear you say it. Please, just say it..." Jon began to sound like he was begging. "Tell me. Tell me you want to be with me. Fuck, Colby...here I've told you twice that I love you and I can't take it any longer..."

"What did you say?" I asked him, our eyes meeting. "You told me you loved me twice? When? When before the other day did you tell me you loved me?"

I watched as Jon swallowed hard and answered. "When you were sick. You were sleeping, I knew you couldn't hear me."

"Holy shit." I whispered as I looked down to the floor. "It wasn't just part of the dream..."

"What?" he asked me.

"I had a dream that night." I said as I began to explain. "I had a dream about the words 'I love you' and you were there. You were beside me. I thought it was all a dream, but somehow, the words seemed real to me. I thought you had told them to me, but I knew you hadn't. My childhood principal told me to solve the problem with the letters...you stood next to me as I tried to figure it out, you told me that it wasn't complicated..." I felt a deep shiver run through me as I recalled my dream.

"It was just a dream, Colby." Jon whispered to me.

"It was just a dream, until you told me that." I said. "You did tell me you loved me, you did that night."

"I didn't think you would hear me." he said softly.

"Jon...you know I love you. You know I care for you. But you have to understand how intimidating this is for me. You don't understand that I don't just want to jump into something? I think we've done enough of that already. Can't we just take it slow?" I asked him.

"You should already know the answer, you shouldn't have to think about it." Jon repeated his same words to me from the other day. I just shook my head.

"Go to your room Jon. We'll talk tomorrow." I told him, standing up beside him and putting my hand on his arm.

"No, I told you. I can't do this. If you can't tell me right now whether you want to be with me or not...then I can't do this. I can't. I FUCKING CAN'T COLBY." Jon yelled at me as he ran his fingers through his hair.

"Jon, you're drunk. Don't do this now. I don't want to talk about this now." I tried to reason with him.

Jon pushed me down to the bed, his body falling on top of mine. "Jon!" I protested, but he wouldn't let me. He pressed my arms down to the bed and kissed me roughly, the taste of whiskey and nicotine filling my mouth as he let his tongue enter. "Just tell me you want me. Tell me you need me the same way I need you, please. I've needed this for so long. Just tell me. I need to hear you need this the same way I do. Please, Colby...just give me some reciprocity. That's all I want..." he pleaded with me, his face buried in my neck as he spoke.

"Stop Jon!" I yelled at him, anger coursing all through me. I twisted my way out of his grip and got off of the bed. "I am not going to do this with you when you're fucked up drunk. Just go. GO. TALK TO ME WHEN YOU'RE SOBER!" I yelled at him as I pointed to the door.

Jon looked up at me with those eyes, those blue eyes of his. It hurt me to look at him, I knew he was distraught. I knew he was hurting. I was hurting too. Things had taken a bad turn. I knew they would only get worse before they got better.

"Is that really what you want? Is that all you have to say to me? Nothing else?" he asked me as he stood up.

I pointed to the door again, never taking my eyes off him. "Fine." he said softly as he waked to the door. I followed close behind him. Jon reached the door and turned around to face me. He quickly grabbed me in an embrace, kissing me once again. "I love you." he whispered in my ear. "I love you." he told me once again before walking out the door.

I sat down on the floor beside the door, exhausted. I wiped away the angry tears that had started to swell at the corners of my eyes. I loved Jon. I just didn't know how to make him understand that he scared the hell out of me.


	16. I Don't Believe You

Author's note: Thank you as always! A big thanks to all of my awesome readers who reviewed on the last chapter. It's great to know that you all appreciate my hard work on this story. Hopefully this chapter will come out as good or better than the previous one did. Sorry to be hitting everybody in the feels left and right, but that's where things are headed.

This chapter picks up where we left off. This will switch back and forth between POV's once again, but I think it will be mostly told from Jon's POV. It is called "I Don't Believe You". It's inspired by a song by Pink. Please go listen to it if you've never heard it. Look it up on youtube. The video for it is heartbreaking. The song is haunting and it reminds me in every way of the place I am in my story right now. My favorite line of all from the song? _"It's like you're the swing set, and I'm the kid that falls." _I think that says everything I need to say. Enjoy!

"_I Don't Believe You"_

"_I don't mind it. _

_I don't mind at all. _

_It's like you're the swing set,_

_and I'm the kid that falls._

_It's like the way we fight, _

_the times I cry, _

_we come to blows,_

_and every night the passion's there,_

_so it's gotta be right..._

_Right?"_

"_I'm not going anywhere anytime soon..."_

I woke up to those words, the words that Colby told me just a few short weeks ago. They seemed like they slipped past his lips a lifetime ago now. I rolled from my position on my stomach to my back, suddenly feeling sick. Why the fuck had I consumed so much whiskey last night? Oh, right. Colby.

"_If you're looking for some kind of answer...I guess I don't know what the answer is..."_

All these words from the last few weeks were swimming around in my head. My still foggy hangover head. I covered my face in my hands and rubbed my eyes. "What am I doing?" I asked myself. No matter how much I ever had to drink there was never a time when I forgot what had been said or done. I might use alcohol to ease the pain, but it never allowed me to forget. It just numbed me and everything I felt to the point where I could deal with it a bit more easily. I sat up in bed, that sick feeling becoming more intense.

I got up slowly and pulled my pants and shirt on. I checked my phone, knowing not to expect there to be a message from Colby. I still felt disappointed when it wasn't there. I thought about what I should do next as I pulled my hair back away from my face. I watched myself in the bathroom mirror as I brushed my teeth. My reflection looked tired. I felt defeated.

Last night I practically begged Colby to give me some sort of hope for our future. Just a little something I could hold close to my heart, some words of encouragement for our relationship. A simple few words would have made me feel better. But I didn't get that. Yes, he said he loved me. I couldn't help but feel as though he told me just because he knew that it was what I wanted to hear.

"_GO. TALK TO ME WHEN YOU'RE SOBER!"_

I was unsure about talking to him now that I was sober this morning. God, the way he stared at me and pointed at the door, telling me to leave. I was at a loss. I didn't know how to convince Colby that being with me was every bit worth the risk involved.

"_How could I not be scared?"_

"What is there to be scared of?" I asked myself in the mirror. I swallowed hard and looked down at the sink. Colby is scared. He's scared of me. This scares him. How could something I'm so sure of scare him? He should know that this is right, just like I know. It hurts me to think that he doesn't feel the same way I do. That he doesn't _need_ me the same way I need him.

I picked up my phone and sent him a message. "Can you meet me downstairs for breakfast? We can talk about last night."

"_No, I don't believe you when you say,_

_don't come around here no more._

_I won't remind you,_

_You said we wouldn't be apart._

_No, I don't believe you when you say,_

_you don't need me any more._

_So don't pretend to not love me at all."_

XxXxXxXxXxXx

I looked up as my phone went off. I was aware of who it was without even looking. I knew it was Jon. I couldn't bring myself to look at it right away. I didn't want to read his words just yet.

Our exchange last night left both of us hurt. After Jon left I sat there on the floor in front of the door and let all of the anger and pain out in the form of tears. I probably sat there for almost an hour before finally getting up and crawling in my bed, finding myself unable to sleep at all. It scared the hell out of me, the argument we had. Jon had no idea. He was so unaware of how he was. Jon is the most intense person I've ever met. When he drinks that is multiplied by a thousand. There were numerous times last night when I could feel myself starting to shake when listening to his words.

"_Please, Colby. Just give me the answer that I know we both want to hear. I need you. I need to hear you say it. Please, just say it..." _

I shook my head to get the words out of my mind. I understood the fact that Jon was hurt by the fact that I couldn't give him the answer he was looking for. But was it really so hard to understand what I was asking him to give me? I was growing angry as I thought about it, thinking of how selfish he was in all of this. I felt as though he was thinking of just what he wanted. It was such a blow to him that I didn't respond the way he expected me to. What about what I wanted? What about what I needed? I couldn't see us coming to any kind of compromise or finding a middle ground. There was no such thing with Jon. It was all or nothing. I knew that.

I picked up my phone, looking at the text message Jon sent to me a few minutes earlier. "I'll meet you down there in about fifteen minutes." I replied to him. I needed at least that long to prepare for him. Who the fuck was I kidding. There was no preparing for Jon. No way in hell. This would be a mess. I knew it.

XxXxXxXxXxXx

"I'm sorry." I began. I looked up at Colby. His big dark eyes looked red and tired this morning. Colby raised his eyes to meet mine and shook his head at me. "What?" I asked him, annoyed. "You know what? I'm not sorry. I'm not. I'm fucking not." I hissed out. "I meant every word I said last night. I love you. If you can't give me something to go on here then I don't know where that leaves us..." I told him as I put my hands together and propped my elbows up on the table, waiting for a response.

"I don't expect you to be sorry. I don't know what you want me to say? What do you want me to say to you right now, Jon?" he said to me, the anger beginning to rise in his voice. I could tell by his body language he was uncomfortable.

"Tell me how you feel. That's what I want." I said as I leaned closer to him.

"I'm afraid." he said softly. Colby locked his eyes with mine and stared at me as he kept talking. "You're too much. You scare me. Do you even understand, for just a second...just a fraction of a second...what it's like for me?" he asked. "No, never mind. Don't even answer. I already know the answer. You don't. All you can see is what you want. You've got tunnel vision in this relationship. You just want what you want. I tell you something you don't like and the whole fucking thing implodes?"

"What are you saying?" I asked him, swallowing hard.

"You want more than I can give you right now. I'm not telling you that I'll never be able to give you more than this. I just don't know. I hate the fact that you aren't willing to accept that answer from me." he said to me. My leg began to twitch underneath the table as he kept going, my heart beating faster in my chest as all of my greatest fears about Colby and I started coming to the light. "What would be so wrong with just giving me some space? Why does it make you so angry when I tell you that I need some time? If you love me like you say you do then I don't see why you can't do that for me..."

I blinked hard a few times to keep the tears under control. "Some space." I repeated his words.

"Dammit, Jon. I can't talk to you. I can't reason with you. I just can't." he said, frustrated with me.

I stared at him. I shook my head as I asked "What do you mean?"

"You automatically think that I don't want you if I tell you I need some space or some time. This is all so new for me. Can't you see how I feel? Is there no way for you to relate?"

My tongue skimmed over my top row of teeth. I started to feel as though I might crawl out of my skin. "This is not how I pictured things happening." I said softly. Colby closed his eyes and sighed. "I thought you were ready. I guess it's my mistake..."

"Jon, don't talk like that." he said as he slammed his fist on the table. "What do I have to do to make you understand?"

"I understand." I whispered.

"No you don't. Look at last night. How could you sit there in that bar and ask me which woman I wanted? You know damn well that I came there for you. And I wouldn't do something like that right now. I wouldn't go out and try to find someone else while I'm doing this with you. I can't talk to you without you taking things the wrong way. You did that because of your own insecurities, not because you think I want to be with someone else. You think the worst. Nothing is as bad as it seems." he told me.

"How can you say that? How can you fucking say that? Nothing is as bad as it seems?" I laughed. Maybe for Colby that statement was true, but certainly not for me. "I give you all I have. I open my heart up to you. I tell you I love you. You know this is what I've wanted for so long now. You know how long I waited and you know what this means to me. And you tell me you don't know if you can do it? I'm supposed to smile and tell you it's alright?"

"I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I have the strength." Colby sighed. "I'm so tired Jon."

"So what then? What is this?" I asked him, dreading the answer.

"I don't know..." Colby answered as he covered his face with his hands. "I don't want to think about it any longer. Please, Jon. We have to work together."

"This is it. If you can't give me something to go on right now then I don't know where that leaves us. I don't know. Listen to me, and trust me. I know what I'm talking about. Please, Colby. I know it might seem scary to you but you have to trust me. It's all I've been asking you from the beginning. I thought we were there but I guess we're not. Be with me. Let me show you that there's nothing to be afraid of. All relationships are scary when they first begin. That's normal. It's okay to be scared. I'm scared sometimes too. But if we're together it'll be better, don't you see? Don't let go. I don't want to be without you. Be with me and I'll show you. You won't regret it." I said.

Colby sat there across from me, silent. I shook my head at him. "Don't shut down on me. Talk to me. Please."

"Just leave me alone for a little while. That's what I need. I need some time to think about this. To think about me. To think about you. To think about everything."

"What is there to think about?" I asked angrily. "Stop thinking about what could happen and just let it be. I want you. I want you with me. Fuck the risk. If we fail then we fail. If someone gets hurt then we'll survive somehow. I don't want to lose this just because you aren't wiling to try. Give yourself to me." I said, feeling tears swelling at the corners of my eyes. I had to hold them back. I didn't want him to see.

"Push! Push! Push! Why are you always pushing me? Can't you just let me have some peace for just a little time while I think? I feel like you're putting so much pressure on me right now, Jon. Just let up for a little while. Stop pushing me so hard. Can't you just understand...?" Colby asked me, raising his voice.

My heart felt as though it stopped beating. I felt a sharp pain shoot all through my body. "Let me figure it out for myself. You know what you want. Now let me figure out if I can give that to you. Let me see if what I want is the same thing." Colby said to me, getting up out of his chair. "I'll see you later tonight." he told me as he walked away.

"_I don't mind it,_

_I still don't mind at all. _

_It's like one of those bad dreams,_

_when you can't wake up._

_It looks like you've given up._

_You've had enough._

_But I want more._

_No, I won't stop._

_Cause I just know you'll come around..._

_Right?"_

XxXxXxXxXxXx

I don't know if there's a god. I'm not sure if there's a heaven or a hell. Nobody knows for sure. One thing I know is that if there is a hell, it consists of every night having to stand beside someone who wants you to "give them some space". This is hell. I have no doubt about it. Standing here next to Colby at the top of the arena staircase waiting for our time to enter through the crowd. It's a good thing that in The Shield we have to be serious. I couldn't make myself smile right now if you forced me.

Eleven days. Eleven long days on the road. The two of us were silent. We spoke not a word to each other that we didn't have to. We talked about work and nothing else. For the first few days I held on to the hope that Colby would come to my room at night. That he would climb in bed with me and tell me he couldn't live without me any longer, that he was back with me to stay and he'd never leave again. It was what I longed to hear him say to me. I knew deep down that it wasn't going to end that way.

By the sixth day I thought I was going insane. We were required to travel together, the three of us. Our bosses were very adamant about it. They wanted us to seem in character even when we weren't on television. The silence when we all traveled together was deafening. We all would put our headphones on or turn up the radio just to fill that silent space between us. Colby and Roman would make small talk, but I just stayed quiet. When I wasn't driving I slumped down in the backseat and just tried to turn off my thoughts.

This was our eleventh and final day on the road during this stretch. We were heading home tomorrow morning. All of me wanted to ask Colby to come home with me. I couldn't. His words from the last time we argued still rang in my mind. _ "Let me figure it out for myself. You know what you want. Now let me figure out if I can give that to you. Let me see if what I want is the same __thing." _Those words hurt. They burrowed their way to my very core and just sat there, rotting inside of me. How could he not want the same thing?

I tried to sneak a look at Colby out of the corner of my eye. He glanced at me with a blank expression on his face. I met his eyes and quickly looked away. I couldn't look at him. I just couldn't. It hurt.

"_Sierra_._ Hotel. India. Echo..." _Our music started booming out over the sound of the crowd. Colby looked at me, nodding. I nodded in agreement. It was the most communication we'd shared all day.

"_No, I don't believe you when you say,_

_don't come around here no more._

_I won't remind you,_

_You said we wouldn't be apart._

_No, I don't believe you when you say,_

_you don't need me any more._

_So don't pretend to not love me at all."_

XxXxXxXxXxXx

My first day home I paced around my house. I had no idea what to do with myself. I was bored. I was lonely. I felt distracted. There was no concentrating on anything. I ventured out of the house in the morning long enough to go the gym and the grocery store. The rest of the day was a complete waste. I felt calm for the most part, but as the day wore on I started to feel a bit on edge. I felt restless. This overwhelming feeling came over me, this feeling that we both were wasting time. This was time we could be spending together. But Colby didn't even know if that was what he wanted or not...

I played with my phone all day, finding myself checking to see if Colby had sent me a message. The thought of him at his place alone and thinking about our relationship was driving me bananas. I wanted to see him. I understood that he probably wasn't willing to see me. It would only end in another argument.

I must have started to tap out two or three text messages to send him through the course of the day. I deleted each one, knowing that I should just leave him alone. Let him have his space, like he asked me to. I still couldn't wrap my mind around what he needed the space for.

Towards the end of the first night I found myself even more lonely. I ate dinner standing in the middle of my kitchen, thinking of last time when Colby was here to share this with me. I took out a six pack of beer and settled in on the couch. After finishing off two beers and realizing that there was nothing on television to watch, I searched for a DVD to put in. My mind inevitably wandered to him and wishing again that he could be here with me. I fumbled through the stack of viewing material beside my television when I came to the part of my collection where I kept the wrestling. Then I found it. A DVD of some old FCW footage. I knew this one. This was the one that held the first match Colby and I wrestled together there on it. I put it in, knowing this would be as close to him as I would be able to get tonight. I watched us several times, starting it over again each time the match ended. I finished off the other four beers and fell asleep on my couch at some point, our match still playing in the background as I drifted off.

My second day off was not so smooth. All day I allowed this feeling of desperation to consume me. Now it was almost midnight and I found myself parked outside of Colby's building. I sat in the car, just trying to figure out what I was going to do once I got up there. I twisted the top off of the bottle of Jack Daniels I picked up at the liquor store on the way here and took a long swig out of it. I smoked cigarette after cigarette as I searched for the courage to get out. I wasn't ready. I needed more whiskey. By the time I figured I was ready more than half the bottle was gone. I wasn't as drunk as the last time I came to see Colby, but I was just drunk enough to feel brave. Brave enough to walk up the stairs to Colby's place.

I opened his door, trying to be as quiet as possible. I knew that his dogs would probably bark. I hoped I could sneak in without waking him. I almost made it down the hall to his bedroom, but I got caught.

"BARK! BARK! GRRRRR BARK!" All four of his little mutts came running to ambush me. He must have been sleeping with all of them in his room. "What the fuck?" I heard him yell.

"It's just me. I'm sorry. I thought I could sneak in without them noticing." I said. Colby frowned at me. He hurried down the hall, shutting his dogs in behind the gate in his spare bedroom.

Colby put one hand on his hip and leaned on the wall with the other, cocking his head to the side and asking me "What the hell are you doing here, Jon?"

"I had to see you." I said softly, reaching out to him. I pressed my palm to the skin of his neck, loving the feeling of the heat of his skin on mine. "I've been thinking about you the last couple of days and I just wanted to come see you."

"You smell like whiskey." he said softly. "You've been drinking again?"

"Yeah. So what?" I asked him.

"You shouldn't be here." he told me. "What did I ask you?" his words burned. They stabbed me like a million tiny knives piercing my skin.

"_Just don't stand there and watch me fall._

_Cause I still don't mind at all. _

_It's like the way we fight,_

_the times I cry,_

_we come to blows,_

_and every night, the passion's there,_

_so it's gotta be right._

_Right?"_

"Don't say that." I whispered. "Don't tell me to go. Not yet. I just got here. Let me stay just for a little while. Let me be here with you, please?"

"Jon..." he whispered. "Don't do this to me. Don't put me in this position. Please..."

I pulled him in, our bodies meeting. "I want to kiss you and I want to hold you. I need you right now. Do you know how hard this is for me? I wanted to call you, to text you all day yesterday but I held back. I didn't. All those days on the road last week do you know how much I hoped you would come around? You'd change your mind and come to me? You understand how disappointing it is to wait for something and have it not come? I need you now. We haven't been together for two weeks. I haven't touched you for two weeks. How much space do you need? Because I hate this space between us. I hate it. I need you. And I think you need me too. Let me show you."

XxXxXxXxXxXx

Why was he here? Dammit. Couldn't he just listen to me? I had to admit, Jon was doing a pretty good job of letting me have some time for myself. Up until now, that is. Here he was, at my house at one in the morning. Drunk. Desperate. Intense as ever.

Now he had his body pressed up against mine, talking to me and making my heart jump. I felt my stomach turn in circles listening to his words and watching his face as he talked.

"Show me what?" I asked him when he finished. Jon's lips were on mine immediately. I moaned in our kiss, somehow feeling relieved at the touch of Jon's mouth on mine. He was correct, the last time we were physical was two weeks ago. There was no denying it, I wanted him to kiss me. I just wished it was under different circumstances. I tried to pull away from him to protest, but Jon held me so tight. I couldn't remove myself from his grip, from his kiss.

"Dammit, I missed you." Jon whispered to me between the kisses he was leaving across my neck and collarbone. "I missed you so much. You smell so good. You feel so good. I've just wanted to touch you, have something to remind me that this was real. That I didn't just imagine it." Jon kissed me again, his hands holding my face to his. I put my hands on his hips and felt my body begin to melt. He knew just how to pull me in. As much as I wanted to tell him to go back home, I didn't know if I could. I didn't understand how being in his embrace could make me feel both scared and fulfilled at the same time.

XxXxXxXxXxXx

I pulled Colby towards his bed slowly, never breaking our kiss. I could feel in his kiss that he wanted me. That was a good sign. I hoped that he would just allow me to stay. I was unsure of what I would do or say if he told me I had to leave.

I pushed him down to the bed, taking off his pants. I slowly crawled on top of him, resting my forehead on his. "You're so beautiful. You're perfect. You are perfect for me. I've wanted you for so long and I don't know if I can take it if you tell me you don't want me. I need you. I need this." I whispered to him, taking his hand in mine and resting in on his bare chest.

"Jon..." he softly whispered out my name.

"Shhhh. Just let me talk." I told him. "I know that in your heart you want this. Whether you've figured it out yet or not, I'm telling you...I know. I don't know how long I can wait for you to figure it out. I know you love me. I know you need me. I make you feel something, don't I? Don't I?"

"Yes, of course you do." he said to me, pressing his fingertips to my cheek. I moved my face to his touch instinctively. It felt so fucking good. I kissed him again, letting my body rest against his. We were as close as we could be, locked in a kiss. "That's what I'm afraid of." he whispered to me. "I'm scared of what you make me feel."

I swallowed hard. "Please don't say that. Don't tell me that. Just let me show you that this is right. This is my life, your life..._our_ lives we're talking about here, Colby. I don't want to see this pass us by just because you're scared. Just let me show you that I can erase any fear that you might have. I promise..." I thought I could see a faint smile across his face for just a moment before he reached up and pulled me in for another kiss.

Colby made short work of taking off my clothes. We wrapped up in each other and kissed, laying there side by side in his bed. I pulled Colby close to me. My hands had a good, tight grip on his ass as I soaked in the feeling of him running his hands up and down the hair on my chest. I moved us so that Colby was on his back with me on top of him. I pressed my mouth to the hardness of his nipples, remembering how much he loved that. The movements of my tongue caused his hips to move up off the bed, our cocks rubbing together. His flesh felt so hot against my lips as I moved down his body slowly, enjoying every inch of his perfect torso with my tongue. I could feel how hard his cock was against my shoulder. "Jon..." I heard him whisper out my name into the darkness. I was sure in that moment, at least, that he needed me as much as I needed him.

Somewhere in my mind, lurking around, was the thought that this could be the last time I had this experience with Colby. I hated the thought, but it was there, and I couldn't get rid of it. What if, even after this...he still tells me that he's not sure about us? I figured that if it was true, then I had better make the most out of this. I took Colby's rigid cock between my lips as I reached up his body with my hands, finding his nipples with my fingertips and teasing them as I took his cock in my mouth. His body arched at my actions and his hips moved up off the bed once again, his cock moving further down my throat as he did.

"_No, I don't believe you when you say,_

_don't come around here no more._

_I won't remind you,_

_You said we wouldn't be apart._

_No, I don't believe you when you say,_

_you don't need me any more._

_So don't pretend to not love me at all."_

The more Colby rasped out my name as I sucked his cock, the more turned on I got. His hands gripped my forearms firmly as I used my tongue in small circles across his head. I grinned in the darkness knowing that I had him, at least if I couldn't have him emotionally I could have him physically. It wasn't exactly a fair trade, but I'd have to take it for the time being. I released his cock from my mouth and moved back up his body, Colby pulling me in eagerly for another kiss. "I'm not someone you need to be afraid of. _THIS_ isn't something you should be afraid of." I whispered to him, our foreheads meeting. "I love you. I've never loved any other person this way, the way I love you. All I want is for you to let me in. Don't deny me that." I said softly, our noses touching. I had to bite the inside of my lip to keep the tears from coming out the corners of my eyes. I did my best to hold them back as I found the lube Colby kept beside his bed. I reached down, preparing both of us. I sat in the middle of the bed and pulled Colby on top of me, a short gasp leaving him as I positioned him on my lap. He wrapped his legs around my body, my cock gently pressing at the heat of his entrance. I held his body to mine as hard as I could. I wanted him to be as close to me as he could be. I needed for this moment to be close, for us to be as one.

Colby moved down achingly slowly. My cock slowly entered him, Colby taking his time to take all of me inside. Once I was in we just stayed like that, my cock far up his ass. He rested on me, his legs wrapped around my body as he held my face in his hands. We kissed for a long time, Colby finally beginning to move his hips up and down on my cock. He moved in tiny movements, just small up and down motions. His hard cock moved up and down with each motion as well, sliding against my stomach. It felt so divine. How could this in itself not be enough to make him believe that we were meant to be? I gripped his hips and moved along with him, the pace moving just a bit faster. I watched his face as we fucked slowly. His eyes were closed tight, his hands gripping my shoulders as each little heated sigh of pleasure left his body.

I watched him as I began moving my hips more, raising them up further so that I was fucking him harder and deeper. He held his head back slowly, his hair cascading behind him as he moaned out my name in the room. "Jon..." I moved my head to him, using my tongue to trace circles across the beautiful flesh of his exposed neck. I kissed and nibbled at the skin of his neck and his shoulder. Our pace started to quicken and Colby's moans became shorter and closer together, telling me that he had to be close to his orgasm.

"This could be every night." I whispered as I reached up and held my hand to his neck, kissing across his flesh until my mouth was on his earlobe. I wanted my words to permeate his ear. "This could be us, together. Just you and me. That's all we need. I love you. I fucking love you so much. I can't be without you. I need you. I know you need me. I know you need _this._ You can't tell me that you don't. I don't believe you. You're lying to yourself. You're lying to me. Just let me have you. Be with me. Let's not waste any more time, Colby. Please..." I told him. "Please..." I hissed out with clenched teeth as I felt his cock pulse against my stomach muscles and erupt. His cum soaked across both of our bodies making a hot mess between us. I didn't care. I could not remember a moment in my life when I had been as turned on as I was in this moment here with Colby.

Colby raised his head back up, locking his eyes with mine. He looked at me with that hazy look in his eyes, his face soft and relaxed. He kissed me and gently bit at my lip as we fucked faster. I held him tight to me as we kissed each other, my lips never leaving his as I came to my own orgasm, my cock releasing deep inside of him.

"_And every night the passion's there,_

_so it's gotta be right. _

_Right..?"_

When it was over I sat in the same spot on the bed, not wanting to move. Colby collapsed down on the bed, gasping to catch his breath just like I was after our exchange. I watched him as he put his hands over his face and groaned, saying the words that I didn't want to hear. The words that tore at my insides. "We shouldn't have done that." he said.

"What do you mean?" I asked, choking up as the words came out.

"That was a mistake. It was a bad idea. Dammit..." he told me.

I could almost feel my heart stop beating. What was the point? I didn't need it any longer.

"We shouldn't have done that. You're supposed to be giving me time. Space. You shouldn't even be here Jon, dammit!" he yelled at me, sitting up and staring at me. "You make me weak. You have this control over me. I can't stand it. I can't fucking stand it. Before you kissed me I wanted to tell you to leave. I had no intention of doing this..." he yelled as he motioned between the two of us with his hands.

"You can't tell me that you didn't want that just as much as I did. Don't fucking lie to me, Colby. I don't believe you..." I rasped out, my voice breaking with every other word.

"No, no. That was a mistake. You did that on purpose. You just came here to fuck with me! That's all. You did it because you knew if you engaged me physically that I wouldn't be able to say no to you and then maybe you could sweet talk me some more and get what you want out of me." he yelled. I sensed the anger rising up in him, an intense look across his face as he berated me with his words. "You just did it to fuck with my mind some more, that's all!"

"Stop. Please stop. Before one of us says something more to hurt one another. Something we won't be able to take back." I begged him.

"Get up. Get dressed. GET OUT!" he screamed at me as he stood beside the bed and threw my clothes at me. "You told me what you needed. Then I made it clear what I needed. YOU JUST DON'T GET IT DO YOU? I told you to give me some space so I could think about this. Can't you just let me be for a little while? When I'm ready I'll come to you. Until then, DON'T COME BACK. DON'T CALL ME. DON'T COME HERE." he screamed at me, his dogs beginning to bark as they listened to him yell.

I watched Colby as I pulled my pants and shirt on, not caring that his cum was still stained across my body. I shook my head as I tried to get myself together enough to leave. "This is a mistake. You're making a mistake." I whispered softly as I exited his bedroom.

"That's for me to decide." he told me.

"You'll see..." I told him, reaching out to touch his face one last time.

Colby swatted my hand away, yelling at me once again "Stop, Jon. JUST GO. You've done ENOUGH for tonight. Don't touch me, just go." I could see the tears starting to fall from his eyes as well. I knew this hurt him just as much as it hurt me.

"You'll see...I just hope it's not too late for us when you do." I said softly, taking one last glimpse of his face before the door closed in front of me.

XxXxXxXxXxXx

I collapsed on the floor for the second time in the last two weeks, again because of Jon. I sobbed hard against my palms as I tried to catch my breath. I couldn't believe what had just happened. It didn't seem real. Had it really happened?

I swallowed hard, still trying to catch my breath. My chest tightened and my body ached, the feeling of his body against mine just a distant memory now. The two of us in my bed, making love...that seemed like it had been a lifetime ago instead of just a few short minutes.

I was lost. I didn't even know where I was. I shook my head and tried to come back to some sort of reality. I couldn't do it. My head felt heavy and my eyes burned as I cried. This had to be the worst pain I had ever experienced. It was worse than any other pain I'd ever felt, I knew it was because I understood deep down that Jon was right. I lied to him. I did want him, I wanted him to fuck me just as much as he wanted me, needed me. I couldn't admit it to him, though.

I snapped back to reality when I head Jon screaming outside my building. "FUCKKKK!" I heard his unforgettable voice yelling out. I got up and ran to my window, watching Jon as he stood outside his car and screamed. "WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?" as he raised his arms over his head. I watched him, amazed as he drank down the rest of his bottle of whiskey and raised it high over his head, the glass shattering across the pavement as he threw it down. I watched him light up a cigarette and start to turn around. I ducked down, not wanting him to see me. I waited a few minutes and looked out again. He was sitting in the front seat of his car now. I started to feel my stomach turning in circles at the thought of him starting up his car and driving away in his current state. He'd never make it. I watched him for a few minutes, just sitting there in his car. After I was convinced he wasn't going to leave, I dragged myself to my bed. I stared at it, disgusted. I picked up a pillow and found an extra blanket. I walked down to the spare room, finding a good spot on the floor beside my dogs where I could curl up in a ball and try to forget that any of this had ever happened. I cried, thinking about Jon downstairs in his car. I hoped that at some point I would be able to cry myself to sleep for at least a few hours before morning came.

"_It looks like you've given up._

_You've had enough._

_But I want more._

_No, I won't stop._

_Cause I just know you'll come around..._

_Right...?"_


	17. Epiphany

Author's note: Thank you to all of my loyal readers! You guys are awesome. Most awesome of all are the few of you who have taken time out of your day to review and tell me how you feel about my story and also the few of you who are in contact with me on a regular basis in private messaging. Thank you for all the love! It is appreciated. It keeps me going.

This picks up right where we left our boys last chapter. The emotions are still going strong. This chapter will see a shift of sorts, though. Things are going to be a bit graphic. Not exactly non-con, but it will walk a fine line. Let's just say this...if you think that Jon's been a little more emotional...you're right. If you think he's gone soft..you've got another thing coming. Without giving any of the story away, let's just say it will get a little bit graphic. If you don't think that's your kind of thing, then don't read. It will all make sense in time, I promise.

There is usually a song I'm listening to while I write. This chapter it's "Epiphany" by Staind. My favorite line in the song that I think describes _MY _Jon that I've been writing? "_I am nothing more than a little boy inside, that cries out for attention, yet I always try to hide."_POV's will switch back and forth again, but I think this chapter will be mostly Jon.

Enjoy!

XxXxXxXxXxXx

_The next morning_

I woke up slowly, an overwhelmingly cold feeling washing over me. I opened my eyes and tried to figure out where I was. "What the fuck?" I mumbled to myself, wiping my face with my hands. My hands were freezing. I pulled the collar of my coat up, shivering as I did. My mouth was dry and I felt angry for seemingly no reason. Then I remembered where I was and the reason for feeling that anger. Colby. I looked up from my lap and saw that I was still outside his building in my car. Rain was falling down hard against my windshield. I hated the sound of the rain. It annoyed me.

I jumped when I heard the knock against my window. It was him. What the fuck was he doing out here? He shouldn't care that I'm out here in the cold, rainy weather, slumped over in the front seat of my car. "Get out!" he yelled at me as he banged on the glass. "Come upstairs." he told me, pointing to his building. I just sat and stared at him. I didn't think I had the heart to face him. Colby shot me an angry look as he pulled his hood up over his head more, shielding himself from the rain. "Just come on, Jon." he told me as he opened the car door. I reluctantly followed him upstairs.

"_Your words to me just a whisper._

_Your face is so unclear. _

_I try to pay attention._

_Your words just disappear._

_Cause it's always raining in my head._

_Forget about things I should have said."_

XxXxXxXxXxXx

I watched Jon as he sat down at the opposite end of my couch. He refused to look at me. I could relate. I found myself having a difficult time meeting my eyes with his as well. Things hurt. We went too far last night, both physically and emotionally. Maybe I was wrong to have told him that we'd made a mistake having sex. I couldn't take it back now, it was too late.

"I thought you wanted your space." Jon mumbled.

I frowned. "I couldn't take the thought of you sleeping out in your car any longer." I told him.

"Don't worry about me..." Jon said softly, letting his voice trail off.

We both fell silent and I returned to watching him. I was positive he felt just as emotionally drained as I did. My head hurt. My heart ached. I wasn't sure how much longer either one of us could keep this up before coming to an even greater breaking point. Or were we already there?

"Why are you staring at me?" Jon asked as he glanced at me.

"I don't know." I answered, embarrassed.

"I think you were on to something last night." he said as he stood up.

"What?" I asked him, my head shooting up to look at him. Jon started pacing around my living room as he talked.

"You know what you told me last night. You told me that we made a mistake. That we shouldn't have done what we did." he said, pausing to shoot me a nasty look. I could see the pain in his eyes as he relived the moment from just a few short hours ago. "And then when I was leaving, what did I tell you? I told you that you were making a mistake." he continued, his arms raised above his head and his hands laced together on the back of his neck as he paced. "But I think I've got it figured out now. We were both right...but then again we were both wrong. Right train, wrong track. I think I know where we went wrong." he said.

I hated when Jon acted like this. He was on the verge of what some people would call crazy. I wouldn't be so quick to come to that decision, but that was because I knew him. This was Jon. It was who he was. He was an intense motherfucker. He was a little bit crazy. I was used to it. I guess I was just a little more accepting of it than other people were. Don't get me wrong, it still freaked me the fuck out, but I liked to think I could take more of it than the average person could ever dream to.

"It was me." he told me, staring at me.

"You what?" I asked him, not understanding.

"It was me. I made the mistake." he told me. I shook my head. "I made the mistake of thinking that you could handle being in a relationship with me, I made the error of thinking that you were prepared to deal with me. I know now, there's no way. I gave you way too much credit. It's my mistake. I built you up so much in my mind...you couldn't live up to it." he rambled on and on, I just tried my best to follow and make as much sense out of it as I could. "My biggest mistake was thinking that you and I could actually be something more than just a dominant lover and a submissive lover. More than just sex. You showed me that last night."

"What are you talking about?" I asked him.

"Last night, what do you call that?" he asked me, pointing at me.

"Sex. We had sex." I answered, sighing.

"No. No. That wasn't sex. I didn't have sex with you. Sex is not that. What you and I did last night, that's making love. I've never done that before. I would never call that sex. I made love with you, or so I thought. See...that was where I made my biggest mistake. I should never have gone soft. I thought you would be able to handle making love with me. I see now that you can't,"

I shook my head again. "No, Jon. I don't think..."

"Colby, I know now. I've figured it out. All we can ever be is what we were when we first started. You, all you can ever be in this relationship is the man who submits to me. The man who I use, abuse, dominate. And that's all I can be to you, that man. I see it now." Jon looked at me then, a crazy look in his eyes. "I made the mistake of thinking it could be more than that. I see it now. You like to be used. I want to use you. You enjoy that pain that I give you when we have sex and that's what I love about it. Why the fuck did I ever think it could ever be more than that? I'm so fucking stupid. I let myself get so caught up in these emotions. I even fucking told you I loved you. I should never have done that. I don't know why I thought this could work..."

I felt my hear sinking down into my stomach. I couldn't lie to myself, I liked it when Jon told me he loved me. I understood there weren't many people in this world that he would say those words to. And here he thought it was a mistake. I wanted to speak but my mouth was dry. My head was spinning.

"I brought us here. I DID THIS." Jon yelled at me, pointing between us wildly as he did. "By making stupid mistakes. If I would have just kept my mouth shut and let it be what it was..." he continued ranting. "...if I hadn't been so foolish and blinded by the feelings I had for you, by the sheer joy of finally having you with me after all these years..."

"Stop, Jon..." I begged him. I couldn't listen to any more of this.

"NO. YOU STOP." he yelled at me, causing my dogs to start barking. "I fucked this up. I thought you could feel something for me. I know now that I was wrong." he yelled at me as he walked out my door, slamming it behind him.

I got up and walked to my spare room, undoing the latch on the gate that kept my dogs in the room. I watched them as they ran around in circles at my feet. "That was not how I imagined this morning going..." I said softly to Kevin as he licked my cheek.

"WOOF!" he told me.

"Woof, indeed." I whispered.

XxXxXxXxXxXx

"_So I speak to you in riddles,_

_'cause my words get in the way._

_I smoke the whole thing to my head,_

_and feel it wash away."_

Four days later...

"Things not going as planned?" Paul asked me as our eyes met.

I grumbled under my breath. This was not what I wanted to talk about. "Sore subject." I said softly.

It had been four days since last I talked to Colby. We'd been back on the road together, but I did my best to pretend he didn't exist. I didn't care about anything. It had been three days since I'd shaved. I'd barely slept, maybe shutting my brain off for two or three hours a day to finally sleep. I didn't want to think. I didn't want to feel. I just wanted to coast through the remaining six days we had of this stretch on the road and go back home.

I found myself with Paul tonight. It was oddly comforting. I couldn't tell if it was because he was such good company to keep or if it was the joint we were currently sharing in an alley behind the bar that was comforting me so much.

"Wellness policy be damned..." he said softly to me, laughing.

I smiled at him and shook my head. Look, I knew full well that this was something that I shouldn't be doing. But like I said, I just didn't care.

I looked at Paul and saw that familiar shine in his eyes. I smiled at him again. At least there was one person I could spend a little time with, talk to. It was very cut and dry between Paul and I. We understood our friendship. It was the farthest thing from complicated. Not like Colby and I. But then again, that was my fault...

Somehow that night in my car outside of Colby's building, I came to an epiphany. The realization hit me that I wasn't going to get what I wanted out of him. Not the way we were going. I thought maybe those were just drunk thoughts, but they were more clear even when I had sobered up the next day. I slowly began to understand that Colby would never be able to have a real relationship with me. It broke my heart to think, but I knew it was true. I understood this, but still it hurt, it confused me. He would be able to have a relationship with me where it was just sex. Where he was the submissive to my dominant. That would be fine for him. We never had a problem when we were that way. It wasn't until I started bringing all of my other feelings to the surface that the problems started. I knew what I had to do.

"Hey, let's go back to my room." Paul said to me.

"Let's go." I said, tossing the roach down to the pavement and crushing it underneath my foot.

"So...why is your relationship with Colby a sore subject?" Paul asked me as he handed me a beer. I watched him as he slowly lowered himself to his bed and stretched out. I sat on the end of the bed. I didn't want to make myself too comfortable.

"It's just taken a bad turn." I mumbled as I mindlessly peeled away at the label on the bottle in my hand. "I don't think it's going to happen the way I want it to, that's all."

"That's too bad. I'm sorry to hear that." he said to me, stretching his arms out over his head. "At least you tried. I give you credit for that." he said as he pointed his beer in my direction.

"Sometimes I think it would have been easier if I hadn't tried." I whispered.

"Sure it would have. But would you really give it up? Really, Jon?" he asked.

"No. Well...maybe parts of it. But not all of it." I said.

"Is it over?" he asked me, running his hand through his long mess of brown and blonde hair.

"No. Not yet. I don't know if it's over. But I can't think of a way that it'll survive much longer. Not the way we left things." I answered, taking a long drink when I had finished my thought.

"How did you leave things?" he asked.

"Badly. We haven't talked for four days." I told him.  
"FOUR DAYS?" he said, his eyes wide. "You have to stand beside him every night. You spend every day with him. How do you manage?"

"I don't. I've shut down. This conversation with you...this is the most interaction I've had with another human being in days." I said. I downed the rest of my beer as we sat there on the bed together, silent.

"You know what I think?" Paul asked me, breaking our silence.

"Please tell me..." I laughed.

"Don't be such a dick." he laughed with me. "I'm not going to lay here and preach to you about what you should do with your love affair. You can figure it out. I was going to say we should have a few more beers and roll up one more joint..."

"That I can handle." I told him, smiling.

After a couple more hours I found myself laying beside Paul, a little closer than I should have been. The television was droning on and on about something in the background as we kept each other company in his room. I couldn't help but take in the beauty of Paul as he stood up beside the bed, taking off his shirt. I grinned to myself. I remembered that body. Too bad I'd never taken time to truly appreciate the man it belonged to when I had him all to myself. I was too hung up on someone else.

"You going to stay here and share my bed with me?" he asked me coyly, putting his arm around me and pulling my body close to his.

"No. I should be going." I told him.

"You sure?" he asked, grinning at me.

I grinned up at him. "Yes. I'm sure. I'm going back to my room and I'm going to toss and turn for a few hours. Maybe sleep a little bit if I'm very lucky. Then give up at about five in the morning and get dressed and go running. See...I've got it all figured out..."

Paul shook his head at me. "And Colby? What about him? What are your plans with him?"

"I'm not entirely sure. I think I have one last time in me, one more conversation about our union. If it doesn't work...then I don't know." I said softly.

Paul surprised me then by taking my chin in his palm and bringing his lips to my own. When he moved his face from mine I looked up at him, surprised and confused. He smiled at me and whispered to me "Just remember what I told you that last time we were together at your house. If this doesn't work out for you two, you know where to find me."

Paul embraced me once more before I left. I shook my head as I walked down the hallway to the elevator. Sure, I could have stayed there in Paul's room tonight, had sex with him. But that wasn't what I wanted. As much as I would have wanted to focus just on Paul if we were together, I knew somehow that my mind would inevitably wander to Colby.

I walked out of the elevator at my floor. I shuffled past the room that I knew Colby and Roman were sharing. I looked at it and sighed. I shook my head once again and trudged the rest of the way down the hall to my room. It was going to be a long night.

XxXxXxXxXxXx

"_'Cause I can't take any more of this. _

_I want to come apart._

_And dig myself a little hole,_

_inside your precious heart."_

Three days later...

I found myself at the end of a seven day stretch out on the road, exhausted in so many different ways that it made my head spin. I could count on one hand the number of hours I'd slept in the last few days. All I was looking for was some kind of release. I sat at the hotel bar and ordered my usual whiskey. I was just beginning to contemplate popping one of the Somas I scored earlier when I saw Colby and Roman walking my way. Now I no longer needed to give it any thought. I swallowed down the pill before they could see. Roman sat down to my left and Colby reluctantly took the seat to my right. I tried my best to not make eye contact with either one of them.

"We thought we'd find you here." Roman commented.

"Did you now? Fascinating!" I said, looking back and forth between them. "And you just knew I was begging for some company?"

"Don't be such an asshole." Roman frowned at me. "You want to sit here and drink alone or you want your friends to keep you company?" he asked.

"Does it really matter?" I said softly. I could hear Colby scoff under his breath. I watched him as he took a long drink out of his bottle of beer. I pictured how I wanted the night to go as I watched him. In a perfect world, sweet little Colby would have about four or five beers and be drunk, the lightweight he is. I'd be flying high in my Soma induced euphoria by that time. I would take him back to his room and violate him six ways from Sunday. I shook my head, mumbling to myself "No, it won't be that easy."

"What?" Colby asked me, looking at me finally as he did.

"Nothing. Just talking to myself." I told him.

"I figured as much. You haven't talked to me for days..." he said softly as he fidgeted with his beer bottle.

I leaned over, my face close to his and smiled wildly, telling him "What the fuck do you care? It goes both ways, you know..."

"Get away from me. There are other people here, you know..." he hissed at me, disgusted.

I pulled back, taking another shot of whiskey. I knew that taking pills wasn't the most brilliant idea right now, but I needed something. I could feel the Soma starting to kick in. They always made me feel just numb enough. They caused my heart to beat just a little bit faster and that in itself was good enough, it made me feel more alive. The only real other side effect they had on me was that they made me more angry. More irritable. Edgier. As if I needed that, right? Back when I was deep in the middle of my pill addiction, Somas were always one of my favorites. I would take a few pills and find someone to take my anger out on in the bedroom. There's nothing like sex when you're high on Somas.

I reached down into my pocket and pulled out another pill, not caring where I was or who was around me.

"What is that?" Colby asked me softly. I glanced over at him. He was staring a hole right through me.

"Candy." I sad, smiling. "You want some?"

"I can't believe you, Jon. You're back to taking pills again?" he asked me.

"Just a couple." I said nonchalantly, popping the pill in my mouth and chasing it with another shot.

"If you think I'm going to sit here with you like this..." he said, trailing off. Colby looked at me, hurt in his eyes. "I'm going back up to my room."

Colby got up from his seat and started making his way across the bar to the exit. I followed him. He glanced over his shoulder once and shook his head at the thought of me following him. I wasn't stupid. I knew he wouldn't make a scene here. Not in front of all of these people.

The empty hallway, however...that was a different story.

"Don't follow me, Jon. I'm serious." he yelled at me as he pointed my direction. "I don't want to do this."

"Do what?" I asked, smiling once again.

"Don't try to be fucking cute right now." he told me through clenched teeth. I could see the anger starting to grow across his face. Good. I wanted him to be angry. I was angry. Why shouldn't he be angry as well?

"_Cause it's always raining in my head._

_Forget about things I should have said."_

I slipped in the elevator behind him, barely making it in with him before the door closed.

"DAMMIT JON!" he yelled, resembling a small child as he balled his fists at his sides and stomped his foot. "I told you not to follow me!"

I grabbed him and pushed him against the wall of the elevator. He only got out a few syllables of protest before my mouth closed in over his. I kissed him fast and hard. I could feel him against me, trying to struggle and responding to my body at the same time. It was just the reaction I was looking for.

I moved my mouth over to his neck and began leaving small, hard bites along his skin. I grabbed his ass in both of my hands and squeezed, pulling his body to mine as I did. I felt a small sound of pleasure leave Colby. I pressed my lips to his once again, our lips parting and our tongues meeting now. I grabbed Colby and lifted him up, his legs instinctively wrapping around my waist. "Jon..." I heard him whisper to me. I looked in his eyes, those gorgeous brown eyes. I held his body there between my own and the wall, biting just below his earlobe.

"You're mine. Tonight you're mine. And I don't care what you say. I'm not taking no for an answer. You're mine, you hear me? MINE," I said, my lips pressed to his ear.

"I..." he started to say to me when we both heard the ding of the elevator and the door opening. We had arrived at his floor much more quickly than I had anticipated. I set him back down on his feet and turned to see an older couple standing outside the elevator, watching us. The woman had a disgusted look on her face. I frowned at her, grabbing Colby's arm and pulling him out of the elevator with me. "What the fuck are you looking at, you old bitch?" I hissed out at her as we passed. "Where's your room?" I asked Colby.

"Jon, I don't think..." he protested.

I squeezed his arm harder and pulled him closer to me, tangling my hand in his hair when he got close enough. "Take us to your room." I told him again, more slowly this time. I could see the slight look of fear in his eyes. I think he understood that this wasn't a time to protest. This was a time to do what the fuck I told him.

He took us to his room. I made sure to put out the do not disturb sign and secure all the locks on the door before turning to face Colby. "Jon, I don't know what you have in mind, but I don't think..."

"Stop!" I yelled at him. "What did I tell you in the elevator?" I asked him, moving closer. I took his face in my palm, holding his chin. "I told you that you were going to be mine tonight. I don't even want to hear it. I know you love me. I know you want me. I don't even want to hear how you don't think this is a good idea. It's irrelevant." I told him, never moving my eyes from his. I leaned in so that my breath was on his neck as I spoke. "I know you want this, even if you tell me you don't. So just let me have you."

I felt Colby swallow hard as I slowly moved away. "Turn around." I told him.

"Jon, please. Don't do this. Can't we..." he began to ask me.

"TURN AROUND." I ordered him again, this time not waiting for him to comply. I grabbed him roughly and forced him to turn around. I pulled his shirt over his head and threw it across the room. I pushed him up to the bed and shoved him so that he was leaning over the bed. "Just do as I tell you. It'll all go so much better for both of us..." I told him. I pressed his palms together behind his back and took the length of nylon rope out of my jacket pocket. "When I tell you to turn around, you turn around. I tell you to jump, you ask me how high. You're mine. I told you." I said as I wrapped the rope around his wrists and tied it.

"Owww! Jon, that's way too tight." he complained trying to squirm away from me.

"I. DON'T. CARE." I hissed out as I pulled on the rope even more. "You'll learn to like it." I told him as I slapped my hand hard against his ass.

"Jon, this might be too much. I don't know if this is..." I stopped his protest by slapping his ass once again. I took out the rest of the accessories I had brought with me in preparation for this night and set them on the end table. I removed my jacket and shirt. I held Colby by his hips, pressing my waist against his ass.

"You remember what I told you the last time I was at your house? I told you that we should have just kept things this way. If I hadn't let all of my emotions for you cloud my judgment then we could still have been enjoying ourselves, couldn't we? I've been thinking...we should just go back to the way it started. Having rough sex with each other. But, you see...I never showed you the full extent of how I like things to be. I always took it a little bit easy on you just because I didn't believe you were ready for it. Now I just don't care if you're ready or not. You're getting the full treatment tonight." I explained to him, slowly grinding my hips against his ass as I did.

Just as I was beginning to enjoy the feeling of the curve of his ass against my groin Colby moved his leg. He tried to send me off balance by kicking my leg out from under me. I reacted quickly, hissing out obscenities as I regained my balance and reached down do press his head to the bed. I tangled my fist in his hair, pulling on it as I swore at him. I watched Colby grimace in pain as I pulled harder. "Don't try that again! I have you. You're mine. The sooner you concede to that fact, the better." I yelled at him. I held his head there, pressed against the bed for a few minutes. I wanted my words to sink in.

"You're not going to try that again? Are you?" I asked him, my mouth pressed up against his ear. He didn't answer me. I smiled. I moved fast, turning him over and moving him so that he sat up straight on the bed. He stared down at my feet. That wasn't what I wanted. Not at all.

"Look at me." I told him as I cupped his chin in my hand. I could read the expression on his face. He looked frightened and uncertain about what was about to happen. "Tell me you don't want this. You won't, because that would be a lie. But I'm going to give you the chance anyway. I don't know why I should, but I will. Just say it. If you tell me you don't want me to touch you, then I'll walk right back out that door. But I know you do. That's the thing. You need this just as much as I do."

"Keep telling yourself that." he mumbled up at me, his jaw moving against my palm as he did.

"Then say it. Say it. I'll be gone." I yelled.

"I do want you. But I don't think I want it like this..." he said softly.

I smiled down at him. "Yes you do. Trust me. I'll show you." I assured him. "Just say yes."

"I can't. I can't say yes. I don't want to say no." he told me as he stared up at me, his eyes beginning to swell up with tears. I didn't want to see that sight. It was unexpected. I sighed and blinked away the feeling of pain from seeing him starting to tear up. I shoved him down to the bed and stared at him as I removed the rest of his clothing. I stared at his nude body there on the bed as I undressed myself. I climbed over his body slowly. I held his face in my hand, my thumb behind his ear. "Pretty baby. You'll love what I have in store for you." I whispered to him. I watched his face twist into an expression of doubt. "Trust me." I whispered.  
I grabbed the pair of nipple clamps off of the side table, the same pair from that night a couple of months ago that I used on him. "You remember these, don't you?" I asked, dangling them in front of his face. "You're going to become much more familiar with them." I laughed as I applied them to his delicate flesh. I stared directly at him as I began manipulating them slowly, not able to tell the difference between pain and pleasure as it spread across his face. "Good." I whispered more to myself than to him. "Close your eyes."

"What?" he asked me.  
"Close. Your. Eyes." I articulated.

"Why?" he asked, confusion in his dark brown eyes as he stared up at me.

I grinned. "Don't ask questions. Just close them." I commanded as I twisted the chain of the clamps in my fist. He stared a hole right through me as he shook his head slowly. I groaned as I hopped off the bed and retrieved my shirt. "Fine. I'll close them for you." I told him as I wrapped my shirt around his head and fastened it in a knot. "There." I smiled as I looked down at him. "You look so fucking beautiful right now. I wish you could see yourself." I commented.

"Fuck you, Jon. I don't know what game you're planning on playing..." he told me, squirming slightly underneath my body. I had him right where I wanted him. His hands were tied behind his back, my full body weight resting on top of him.

I pressed my palm to my chest, delighting in the way my heart had started to beat faster, a side effect of the Soma. I loved it. It made me feel more alive than I had in the last few weeks. I felt as though my heart might thump right out of my body. It felt like I could crawl out of my skin. The combination of that and the fact that I understood I had my lover in my full control turned me on more than I cared to admit. I moved my hand down to Colby's body, tightening the clamps more so that the little bit of flesh that pressed out the top turned red and strained against the metal. I dipped my head down just long enough to tease each one of his nipples with my tongue just a bit before kissing and biting my way down his chest and torso. "You want to know what kind of game I want to play?" I whispered against his figure. I got no answer. I didn't expect one. "I'll show you." I told him, my tongue circling underneath his bellybutton slowly. I could tell he was turned on by the way his cock was starting to stand up at attention and press against my chest and collarbone as I swirled my tongue over his body. I reached over and grabbed the razor blade from the table, running the rough calloused skin of my thumb over the small piece of metal as I smiled.

"You have to guess what I have in my hand." I told him. "Let's see if you can figure it out." I smiled again as I turned the blade over and over again between my thumb and forefinger. I moved down his body, pressing my cheek against his soft skin and watching his cock as it moved slightly at the sensation of my breath against his groin. I kissed along the dents of his hips and down his thighs. I gripped the blade between my fingers, the dull side facing towards Colby's dick. I moved it up and down the length of his shaft, slowly. I watched as the pressure caused the bright pink color of his cock change to white as it pressed against his skin, then back to pink as I moved it.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he asked me, his arms moving underneath him desperately.

"You aren't going anyplace." I laughed. "Just trust me. And try to guess what I have, while you're at it."

"I don't even want to know..." he stammered out. "I already know..." he admitted after a few more trips up and down his cock with the thicker side of the blade.

"You love this." I whispered as I smiled. "Pretty baby..." I whispered as I leaned against his torso. "I would never dream of cutting your perfect cock. I love it too much to do that." I told him. "The rest of you is fair game, though..."

"NO." he yelled at me as he thrashed against me.

"SHHH." I ordered him, pressing my palm against his mouth. "You don't want the neighbors to hear, do you?" I begged. "I won't put any marks where anybody would be able to notice. And I won't go too deep..." I whispered. "Just trust me?" I asked him again, my hand still clamped over his mouth. He rewarded me with a harsh bite to the fleshy part of my palm where my thumb started to meet my wrist. "FUCK." I hissed as I pulled my hand away from his mouth. I laughed lightly. "You are going to fucking regret that." I promised him.

I crawled back down to his cock, finding myself pleased that it was even harder than it was just a few moments ago. I pressed the fresh, sharp edge of the blade to the flesh of his hip, making a small cut just on the surface of his skin. I didn't cut him too deeply, just enough to make a small cut and cause the deep red shade of liquid to come swelling out and to the surface. I waited until there was a good, round circle of blood surrounding that first cut on his body before gently pursing my lips and blowing on it, loving the way it spread across his skin at the gust of my breath. I parted my lips and ran my tongue across the cut, licking the blood from his skin. I groaned as the taste spread across my tongue. It tasted just like the color. Red. It had that somewhat bitter, metallic taste to it. I loved it.

"Jon..." he whispered to me as I made a few more little slices in his flesh. I made a two tiny cuts on his groin, just low enough so that his wrestling trunks would cover them if he should have to wrestle in them anytime soon. I watched as the blood slowly came out into the open, again gently using just the tip of my tongue to lap up the warm liquid and smiling as it spread across my tongue. "Please..." he told me.

"Please what?" I asked him. I felt a deep breath leave his body. "You're lucky you have to wear all of those clothes right now when we wrestle..." I mumbled against his abs. I moved up his body, making a couple of fresh cuts on his shoulders. I squeezed the flesh surrounding the cuts to help the blood come out a little more quickly.

"Stop..." he whispered out to me as I pressed my fingertips to the red liquid, tracing little circles across his shoulder blades with it. "Stop..."

"You don't want me to stop." I told him as I reached down between us and found his cock, stroking it up and down a few times. I pressed my thumb to the pool of pre-cum that was seeping out of his cock, rubbing it across his head. I slicked his cock's head up good with it and then brought my hand up to his face, parting his lips with my hand pressing my thumb into his mouth. "See. You don't want me to stop. Your cock is already leaking cum and I only just now touched it with my hand. You love this." I told him as he sucked on my thumb, tasting himself on my skin. "I'm not stopping. There's no way."

I pressed the blade against the skin of his pec, making a fresh new cut. This time I waited for a good amount of blood to seep out before pressing my thumb to it. I spread the blood across my thumb and then pressed my thumb to his lips, spreading the blood across his lower lip. I wiped the remainder of his blood on his cheek as I cupped his face and pressed my mouth to his, adoring the taste of his blood and cum as it mixed in both of our mouths. I felt his moan as it escaped his throat and went into our kiss. I straddled him, cupping his face in one hand as we kissed and using the other to twist and manipulate the chain connecting the nipple clamps. "Fuck!" he whispered against my lips, moving his head to the side as he tried to squirm underneath me once again. "You aren't going anywhere." I assured him, smiling. "I want to leave a mark on you." I whispered to him. "A permanent mark. A forever reminder of me. Just like that tattoo on your spine..." I told him as I moved down his body once again. I decided on a good spot on his body, right where his hipdents ended and his legs started to stem from his waist. I pressed the blade to his skin, this time just a little bit more pressure applied so that long after the scabbed over skin had healed, he would have a distorted scar there to remember me by. I ignored his pleas to stop what I was doing. I carved into his skin three little letters. "XXX". I licked the wounds clean with my tongue and admired my work as I smiled. I licked the blade clean carefully, placing it back on the table when I was sure it was free of all his blood.

"Please, Jon..." he begged me. His cock stood up at full attention now. I pressed my mouth against the head, letting it slip between my lips achingly slowly. I groaned as the taste of his cum hit me, spreading across my tongue. I teased him only briefly, just long enough to get a taste of him. I moved away from his body, taking a moment to take in the sight of him. "You're so beautiful like this..." I whispered to him as I took in the length of his body with my eyes. I brushed the strands of my hair out of my face and licked my lips, bringing my thumb up to my mouth in hopes of catching one more taste of Colby's blood on my skin as I moved my tongue over it. My heart felt like it was beating double time now as I listened to the sound of it. It felt like it was a deafening thud, the beating of my heart against my chest, even though I knew I was the only one who could hear it.

I removed my shirt from Colby's head, his eyes lazily meeting with mine as I did. He looked at me quickly and then looked away, staring at the wall. I grabbed the lube and started to prepare him for my cock. I pressed two fingers inside of him, his ass rising off the bed as I slid then inside. I continued that way, feeling the tightness of his ass starting to stretch slowly as I eased my fingers inside of him. I leaned over and took the head of his cock between my lips again, sucking on it hard and then letting it pop out of my mouth as I let it go. I moved him into the position I liked, his legs over my shoulders, his knees almost meeting his shoulders. I guided my cock into his ass, a sharp sigh leaving me when I was almost all the way inside of him. I looked down at him and locked his eyes with mine as wrapped my hand around his throat, sliding my cock in and out of him as I did. I gripped his throat hard as I fucked him, his moans strained by the fact that I was applying pressure to him as he tried to squirm under me. I loved the sound of his breathing becoming more jagged, his breathing getting heavier as he strained to take a breath with my hand firmly clasped over his windpipe. I heard him feebly scratch out my name a few times as I stared in his eyes, his cock squirting out cum between out bodies. I released him when I began to see his eyes straining and the color beginning to leave his face. I gave him a few moments to catch his breath before I moved us. I laid down on the bed and moved him so that his back was to me, his ass hovering over my still rigid cock. I wanted to watch as my dick disappeared inside of him. I held on to his still bound hands as he slowly lowered himself down onto me. I slammed into him, my hips bucking and moving off the bed wildly as I fucked him. I gripped his arms tightly and pulled on them, fucking his ass as hard as I could. Colby pressed his heels against my hips hard, trying to steady himself somehow as I fucked him like crazy. I could barely hear his moans as our bodies slapped together. I pulled on his arms with one hand and reached up, pulling his neck back as I grabbed a fist full of his black and bleached hair. "You fucking love this, don't you? You love to feel some pain while I fuck your sweet little ass, huh?" I asked him. "Answer me, dammit!" I yelled.

"Yes." he rasped out between broken breaths.

"_I am nothing more than a little boy inside._

_That cries out for attention, _

_yet I always try to hide._

_'Cause I talk to you like children._

_Though I don't know how I feel._

_But I know I'll do the right thing,_

_if the right thing is revealed."_

Things went on for another couple of hours before it came to an end. I continued my little sex game with Colby until my Soma induced euphoria began to wear off and Colby's body had started to give out. I fucked him until he was nearly passed out. He was nothing more than a whimpering, shaking ball of flesh on the side of the bed when I was done with him. I frowned as I untied him and removed the nipple clamps. I pulled the sheets and covers up over him, gently pressing my lips to his forehead before walking away. I gathered up a spare pillow and blanket as I trudged to the bathroom. Now that my Soma had worn off and the whiskey was no longer coursing through my bloodstream, I felt defeated. I collapsed in the bathtub, staring into the darkness. I slowly pulled the blanket up over myself, wanting to scream. I felt the warmth of my tears beginning to roll down my face. I wiped them on fabric of the pillow as I pressed my face to it. I hoped that I would soon pass out just like Colby had. I was not looking forward to morning.


	18. So Maybe I'm A Masochist

Author's note: Just like every other chapter I want to start off with a thank you to all of you. Thank you to all who reviewed and sent me messages about this last installment, whether they were good or bad. I think that with the last chapter I may have lost a few of you. I know that it lost me a few followers. That's fine. I knew that some of the content from the last chapter wouldn't be for everybody. Like I said in the author's note from the last installment though, it will all make sense in time. Just stick with me.

This chapter picks up right where we left off. With the exception of maybe one part, I think this chapter will be told mostly from Colby's POV. There will be a dream that Jon's having before he wakes up. It will be in _italics_. The song that goes with this chapter is called "Love The Way You Lie, Part 2"or sometimes it's called "Original Remix" and not part 2. The version I prefer isn't by Rihanna, but by the song's original writer Skylar Grey. It's really a beautiful song. I think I'm just a sucker for a song with piano. The lyrics from the first verse of the song I think fit where we are in this story perfectly. My favorite line that I think sums up where Colby is with Jon? _"But you'll always be my hero even though you've lost your mind." _I hope you enjoy.

"_So Maybe I'm A Masochist..."_

"_On the first page of our story,_

_our future seemed so bright. _

_Then the saint turned out so evil._

_I don't know why I'm still surprised._

_Even angels have their wicked schemes, _

_and you take that to new extremes._

_But you'll always be my hero even though you've lost your mind."_

The next morning...

I stood before Jon, staring at him. I don't know what I was trying to figure out. That was a question too deep to comprehend this morning. Maybe I was baffled that he was sleeping in the bathtub? Possibly trying to understand what the fuck had transpired between us last night? There was no understanding.

Jon was still asleep, resting on his back fast asleep underneath a flimsy hotel blanket in my bathtub. He looked like hell. Big pink and blue bags had grown underneath his eyes and he looked like he hadn't bothered to shave in almost a week. He seemed tired. I decided to leave him alone. I wasn't ready to wake him up just yet. I thought maybe first I should assess the damage he had caused in our little adventure last night...

I stood up, tall and straight and looked at my nude reflection in the mirror. My body truly reflected how I felt inside about my relationship with Jon. Tired. Sore. Worn. Bruised. Cut. On the verge of giving up. Even in all of the mixed emotions and hurt both mentally and physically I was feeling, I was happy that Jon was still here. Just like days ago when Jon had slept outside my building in his car, at least I knew he was safe. He couldn't get hurt sleeping in my bathtub.

I moved my fingers tentatively over the oval shaped impressions Jon's bites left on the skin of my neck and shoulders. I took count of all the small, fresh cuts on my body. Two, three, four...fuck it. What was the point of counting them? They all were a temporary reminder of his actions. I pressed my fingertips to the little straight cut on my shoulder. It was still fresh, not yet scabbed over but beginning to swell just a bit and grow bright pink. I glanced down, wincing in pain as I brushed my fingers across the three little X's that Jon carved into my skin. After the initial sting of contact faded, I grew sick feeling a wave of pleasure pass through me, remembering all of the details of the night before.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I remembered what I told him_.__"I can't. I can't say yes. I don't want to say no.". _ It was the truth. Did I enjoy what he did to me last night? Yes and no. Physically I enjoyed parts of it. Jon understood me and understood our sexual dynamic better than even I did. Was I terrified when I realized he had a razor blade in his hands? Yeah, I was. But I was also turned on. Some sick part of me knew that he was going to cut me, and the thrill of him having all of the control over me with my hands tied behind my back was beyond any other sexual thrill I'd ever experienced. It scared me. I knew that if he wanted to he could hurt me and I wouldn't be able to break free to fight back. But I knew, I fucking knew...that he wouldn't really _hurt_ me.

I began to question my sanity when I realized I was still staring at the three little marks he carved on my hip, beginning to wonder how it would look as it healed and began to scar over. I knew I had officially lost my mind when, still staring in the mirror, I starting to come up with a tattoo design I could have inked around it. I shook my head hard, raking my fingers through my hair. I felt a wave of anger wash over me, suddenly realizing that I was pissed. I sat down on the cold bathroom tile, my back resting against the hard porcelain of the tub. I winced as I stretched out my legs before me. My body had never felt so sore as it did this morning. No workout had ever caused me such pain. Only Jon could do this to me.

Jon. Fucking Jon. I was pissed at him. Where the fuck had he come up with this theory anyway? That we should return to a partnership that was just based on sex? Just because he didn't get what he wanted. His logic was always so convoluted. I knew one thing. This was no way to maintain a relationship. I would never survive if this was the way our union was going to be.

I felt so many things about him this morning. Love. Anger. Sympathy. Pity. Disappointment. How the fuck, in all of this, had he made me feel for him? Any sane person would have kicked him out, they would have made him leave as soon as they realized he was still in the same room with them. But not me.

I didn't want him to leave.

I understood that it would be hell if he stayed.

I stood up and stared down at him, leaning against the bathroom wall and watching him as he slept. He looked peaceful. I couldn't stand it. I leaned over him, pulling the little lever that made the water come out of the shower head instead of the faucet. I turned on the cold water, full force.

_XxXxXxXxXxXx_

"_I can't. I can't say yes. I don't want to say no." _

_'Holy shit.' I thought to myself. I stood by the window, watching myself and Colby playing out the events of the night before on the bed in his hotel room. Talk about an out of body experience. Man, my brain is really fucked. Why the hell am I dreaming this? "Did this really happen?" I say out loud. Both myself and Colby turn their heads and look at me. _

"_SHHH." I tell myself. "I'm busy here..." I say to me as I return to applying a pair of nipple clamps to Colby. _

_All of a sudden I look up, feeling a few cold drops of rain falling on my head. "What the fuck?" I ask myself angrily. "How the hell is it raining in here?" I ask, staring at the ceiling. _

"_You better wake up, dumb ass." I tell myself. "He's pretty pissed off." he says, pointing to Colby._

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT?!" I scream as I open my eyes, realizing where I am and what is happening to me. I leap up, throwing away the blanket I was using to cover myself with and lunging for the faucet as a steady stream of ice cold water continues to pour down on me. I hear a faint, evil laugh leave Colby's mouth as I scramble to turn off the water. "WHAT THE FUCK?" I scream at him once the water is off.

He shoots me a look that could kill the average person, the anger evident in his dark brown eyes as he stares at me. "Tell me you didn't deserve to wake up that way?" he challenges me.

I step out of the tub, trying to gain as much of my composure as I possibly can. I wrap my arms around myself, suddenly feeling incredibly cold. "You're right. You know what, I'm sure I deserve whatever it is you give me." I mumble. Colby frowns at me as he tosses a towel over my soaked hair.

"Come on." he says to me softly as he wraps a bathrobe around me. "We should talk." I blink hard and glance at him, not sure why he would want to talk to me at all after everything we've been through these last few weeks.

_XxXxXxXxXxXx_

We both came out of the bathroom and sat down at the end of the bed. Jon mindlessly rubbed the terrycloth towel over his wet hair, leaning over as he did. I turned to face him but couldn't find the words to begin with. I didn't know where to start. I hated this place where we were in our relationship, if you could even call it that anymore. I was happy that Jon was here with me, even after what had happened between us the last few weeks. During the last week or so when we hadn't been talking to one another I had missed him. I'd missed him dearly. It was hard for me, but I had to keep in mind that before all of this started, Jon was my friend. He was one of my closest friends. That was one of the things I missed the most. Jon as my friend. He felt more like my enemy now. I couldn't stand that, that thought. I couldn't have him in that capacity, as my enemy. He had to be on my side. It was time for a change. I knew it.

"What?" Jon asked me softly, glancing my way. I met my eyes with his and stared at him, not sure now to answer. He looked handsome sitting beside me, a serious look on his face as he waited for me to respond to his one word question. "Look, don't feel like we have to sit here and have some kind of bullshit talk this morning. I know that you probably hate me right now and can't stand the sight of me. So just yell at me until you feel better and then I'll go."

I shook my head. "I don't hate you." I said softly.

"What then? What is there to talk about?" he asked me. I shrugged my shoulders. Jon laughed lightly. "You don't know?"

"I don't know where to start." I told him.

"I don't know either..." Jon whispered so softly I could barely make out what he said. He leaned over once again, his elbows resting on his knees, his hands laced around the back of his head. "I'm cold and tired. And my body hurts. I feel like shit. I hate myself. And I love you. I don't know what to do...I don't want to feel this way." His heartfelt words brought tears to my eyes as they started to sink in and make sense. "We're going to destroy each other before this is over, one way or another. You know that right?"

I nodded. "Yeah." I told him, my voice breaking as I did. "Yeah. That's the road we're headed down if we keep up this way." I said softly, leaning over to wrap my arm around him, my chin resting on his shoulder.

"You know that, but you're still sitting here with me, touching me. I don't get it." he said.

"Maybe I don't either." I said. I sighed. We sat silent for several minutes. I sat there on the bed with Jon, resting against his body and losing myself in the gently rhythm of his breathing. I felt a shiver run through my body, realizing suddenly that we were both still naked and that Jon's body was freezing. "You want to take a hot shower with me?" I asked him.

"You really want to be in close quarters with me right now?" he asked.

"Depends. You don't have any more rope, do you?" I asked, only half joking.

"Haha." he deadpanned.

"Come on." I told him, bringing myself up to my feet and offering him my hand.

"Tell me when the water's hot." he said as he looked up at me, locking his eyes with mine.

"Okay." I said, moving away.

"Colby." he said, grabbing my hand. I turned to face him, unable to take my eyes off of our hands locked together. "I'm not sorry. I knew what I was doing. It wasn't the whiskey. It wasn't the Soma. I was fully confident you could handle everything I did to you and everything I gave you. I meant what I said. If you'd told me to leave, I would have." he told me, squeezing my hand harder as he went on.

I blinked slowly and removed my hand from his grip, smiling at him. "I know."

I walked to the bathroom and turned the hot water on, waiting for it to get to just the right temperature before asking him to join me. I stood with my back to him in the shower, the steam surrounding us as we warmed up. I felt his arms wrap around my waist and his body inch in closer and closer to me, slowly. I think he wanted to go slowly, not sure if I was going to push him away. I didn't want to push him away. Last night there were moments between us that I'd rather forget, but I couldn't refuse him. I held on to his forearms and pressed my body to his, relaxing and closing my eyes as I felt the sensation of his lips on my neck. "Is this okay?" he whispered in my ear. I smiled. How could he be this way? Taking what he wanted from me last night, not caring if I protested. Now this morning he was asking me if it was okay?

"Since when do you ask questions like that?" I laughed.

"I don't want to lose you." he told me. "I don't know how to keep you. I'm afraid you're going to finally figure out that I'm not good enough for you. That some emotionally fragile, former dope dealing, ex pill popping, sexual game playing, son of a whore from Ohio is not someone who is ideal for you to be in a relationship with."

"Jon..." I said softly. "Don't talk that way about yourself." I said as I turned to face him, wrapping my arms around his waist and resting my head on his shoulder.

"It's the truth." he told me. He wasn't wrong. "I might not be the smartest guy. I'm probably not the best boyfriend. I may not always be gentle. I'm not always sensitive to your feeling and what you need from this relationship. I won't lie, I got into this for very selfish reasons. I wanted you. I put you on a pedestal and I've kept you there. But you telling me that you don't know if you can be with me or not...that broke my heart. You know it did. I don't have to tell you that. You know it. I know you do." he told me. I just listened to his words, my face resting against his neck feeling the vibrations as he spoke each word. "All I want is to be with you. Just give me that. Give me a chance. I love you and I promise you I'll try to hard. I'll try harder than I've ever tried for anything in my life. I need you. It won't be all sunshine and roses, but I'll love you. We'll have nights like last night. We'll have mornings like this morning. They can't exist without each other."

"And if our hearts get broken? If we destroy each other?" I ask, a lump in my throat.

"Then we cross that bridge when we come to it." he tells me. All I can think about is how much I've missed Jon. The last six or seven days on the road seemed like months without any contact with him. As hard as it was for him, I know it was just as hard for me. There were two or maybe three nights in this stretch where I almost went to his room, thinking better of it and turning around before making it to his hotel room door. I don't want to let him go. Just as he confessed to me he didn't want to lose me, I didn't want to lose him either.

"Let me see." he told me, moving away from me as his eyes scanned up and down my body. I watched his expression as he looked me up and down, seemingly delighted by what he saw on my body. "You pissed at me?" he asked slowly.

I sighed. "I don't know. Yes and no." I don't think he understood my answer, I think he chose to ignore it. He reached out, touching his fingers to the three little X's on my hip.

"You're still beautiful. You're even more beautiful now. I'm always with you." he smiled, tracing his fingers along the marks. Jon pulled my body to his and kissed me. I felt my body melt with his as he kissed me, his hands roaming across my flesh. I was angry with him. I was in love with him. I didn't want to stop kissing him. I knew that this would end one day with both of us getting hurt, one way or another. It was the a we both understood we were taking.

After our shower we returned to the bed. "I'm tired, Jon." I told him as I positioned myself on my side, curling up underneath the comforter. "We've got four hours until we have to be at the airport. Will you lay here with me?" I asked him, patting the empty spot on the bed next to me. He nodded at me, laying down on the bed with me. I set the alarm to go off two hours from now, hoping that maybe both of us would be able to get some sleep together before the flight to the next city.

_XxXxXxXxXxXx_

Two days later. Tampa, Florida. Coffee shop near the airport.

Finally, we were home. After we landed I suggested to Jon that we head over to the little coffee shop down the road from the airport that we liked to go to. He agreed. I got us two cups of coffee, smiling as I set them on the table. "Now what?" he asked me, returning my smile.

"What are you asking me?" I wondered.

"You and I." he replied, gesturing between us. "What now?"

I took a long drink of coffee as I tried to figure out how to word my plans. I took a deep breath and set my cup down on the table. "We start over."

"Start over?" he asked me.

"Yep. We start over. We can do it. Can't we just be normal?" I asked him.

Jon pursed his lips, looking almost offended. Maybe I had chosen the wrong word. "What's normal?" he asked me, shooting me a hurt look. "Who's to say what's normal or abnormal?"

"I don't think you're understanding what I mean by the word 'normal'. I mean...if we start over maybe we'll have a better time. I say we have a clean slate. You don't know me and I don't know you. There's no history. You didn't secretly lust after me for years. We just met and we don't know each other. So we go out and we get to know each other. We start tomorrow night." I explained to him.

Jon's face was twisted into a strange expression. I wasn't sure if it was doubt or confusion, maybe it was both. "What happens tomorrow night?"

"We go on a date." I smiled, propping my elbows up on the table.  
"A date." Jon laughed.  
"Yeah. A date." I repeated. "I'll come over to your house tomorrow night and we'll go out. We can have dinner and talk and have a normal night. No drama. No fighting. No rope..."

Jon grinned. "A little rope...?" he asked hopefully.

"Let's save that for like, the fourth or fifth date." I joked.

Jon leaned back in his chair, thinking about what I had proposed. The thought hadn't crossed my mind that Jon might say no. Fear started creeping in that he would reject my idea. "Do you know when the last time was I went out on a date?" he asked me.

"No, when?"

"Never." he told me. "Never. Do I seem like a 'go out on a date' kind of guy to you?" he asked.

"No." I told him. "But there's a first time for everything." I grinned.

"Fine. But don't be late." Jon said, smiling. "Or I'll find some other date for the prom..." he joked from behind his coffee cup.

"Fuck you, Jon." I grinned as I nudged him with my foot underneath the table. This would be a new start for us, I just knew it.

Author's note: I hope everybody enjoyed this chapter. I might not be updating right away. I might take a little bit of time off. I have a couple of other ideas floating around in my head and I want to start writing those things before I lose them. I will be back to this, I promise. I also think I need time to really ponder which direction I'm taking this story. I have a few ideas about that but I'm not really sure yet.


	19. Amazing

Author's note: I lied. I said I was taking a break from this but I lied. Hey, I did use the word "might". I just couldn't. It came to me today at work, the vision of where I want this story to go. There will be this chapter and then one more. After that..."Feel Again" will be over. I'll have an ending for his story and in time I'm planning on starting a new story that will most likely pick up a few years down the line.

So, for this chapter we find our boys trying to start over and start fresh. I need to send a BIG THANK YOU out to my friend Kayla/sberryluv on this site. She is the one who told me that she thinks some of Blue October's songs fit with Jon. And she's absolutely right. So, this chapter is going to include a song that I think fits this chapter. It's called "Amazing". My favorite part? "_You see you're my only know-how, the study of when I believe I belonged to you...". _

Also in this chapter we take another visit to Jon's past. I like writing Jon's past. It intrigues me to no end. There's some heavy subject matter in the flashback, just a warning. POV's will switch back and forth. Also...I've included some spanish in here during the flashback. I hope it's all correct. I don't know much and I used translator to come up with some of it. Hopefully I didn't butcher any of it. I hope you enjoy.

"_Can you pretend I'm amazing? Instead of what we both know..."_

The next day...

I felt on edge all day. Maybe confessing to Colby that I'd never been on a date in my life had been a mistake. I didn't want to lie to him. Hell, the only thing even resembling a "date" in my lifetime of relationships was that afternoon Colby and I went out to the movies together. I hadn't even realized it at the time, in that moment...

As soon as three o'clock rolled around I started to get nervous. I wasn't used to being nervous. I liked to think that most of the time I had it together. I never got nervous before matches. I never found myself nervous talking to the higher up guys in the company. But this...today...this made me nervous. I think more than anything else I just didn't want to disappoint Colby. I wanted to be able to give him something that he wanted out of this relationship for once.

I started to pace without even realizing I was doing it. I found myself checking in the mirror over and over again, making sure that I looked good. I shaved off the six day old facial hair that I had carelessly grown. I began to feel silly, almost like a teenage girl at some point as I felt my stomach twist into knots over and over again, up and down. I found myself laughing out loud at myself as the thought of whether or not what I was wearing was good enough or not passed through my mind.

I took a deep breath and talked to myself in the mirror. "It's just a date." I told myself, pressing the imaginary weight of being nervous down with my palms as I motioned in from of my body. "Just a date. Just Colby." I repeated to myself. "Relax."

I jumped when I heard my phone go off. A text. "I'm leaving now. I'll be there in forty five. You ready?" I smiled. It all seemed so sweet, so "normal", as Colby had named it. I hated to be the bearer of bad news, but there was nothing "normal" about me.

"Ready." I tapped out my response and sent it to him. I looked in the mirror one last time. "Ready." I told myself softly.

XxXxXxXxXxXx

I pulled into Jon's driveway and parked my car. I couldn't let go of the steering wheel. I was stuck. I was frozen in this spot. I didn't want to call this feeling nervous. It was more like unsure. I couldn't predict how this night was going to pan out. I held out hope that we would be able to have a good, rational conversation over dinner. That for just one night we could be two people who enjoyed each others' company and it wouldn't have to be about sex or lust or how one person feels about the other. "Just normal." I whispered as I somehow let go of the steering wheel.

I stood in front of Jon's door for a few moments before knocking. He opened it right away, almost as if he'd been waiting for me. "Hey." he greeted me, smiling. I felt relieved to see that smile.

"Hi." I answered, feeling somewhat awkward. "You look good."

"Yeah?" he asked feebly, looking himself up and down. "I tried."

I laughed. "I see. I see that." I said softly, folding my hands in front of me. "So..."

"Do you feel awkward right now? Because I do." Jon asked quickly, cutting me off.

I let out a small laugh. "Yeah. Maybe just a little bit. But that's okay. I think that's...normal." I grinned as Jon's eyes met with mine as I used that word again. "Sorry. There's that word again." I mumbled.

"Let's just go." Jon told me, leaning his head towards the door and motioning outside.

"Yeah. That's a good idea." I told him. I watched Jon as he locked up his house. I smiled when he had his back turned. Jon looked great. He was a little more dressed up than I was, in my worn in blue jeans and random band t-shirt I had picked out to wear. He wore pants like no other man I'd ever laid eyes on. It was something about his hips. Clothing rested on them so gracefully. I shook the thought of his hips out of my head, coming to the conclusion that having these types of thoughts at the beginning of the date wasn't a good way to start.

"Where are we going?" he asked me, putting his arm around me.

"Out." I smiled, holding on to his hand that was resting on my shoulder as we walked to my car.

XxXxXxXxXxXx

Colby took us to a fancy restaurant near my house. I don't think he picked up on the fact that I heard him ask the waiter for a secluded table in the back. I grinned.

We shared small talk about nothing in particular as we sipped beer and ate dinner. My stomach somehow relaxed as we sat there together. Overall, it went well. It was rather uneventful, actually. I was pleased in that moment, staring across the table at Colby as he rambled on with some story about his brother. I was happy that we could sit here and co-exist, the topic of our relationship never coming up.

After dinner Colby suggested we go back to my house. It was just beginning to grow dark when we got there, the sun slowly setting behind my house. I left Colby alone on my back porch as I went inside. I gathered a blanket and a six pack of beer. I figured both of those things would make us more comfortable.

I told him to join me as I sat down on the porch swing. I handed him a beer and spread the blanket over both of us carefully. I looked at him thoughtfully. "What?" he asked me.

"I think it's been a success so far." I grinned, opening my beer.

"I agree." he smiled. I moved closer to him and rested my hand on his leg underneath the blanket. "Hey...no grabby hands on the first date." He joked as he grinned at me. "What kind of guy do you think I am?" he asked, gripping my hand in his.

I shook my head. "I don't know what you're talking about. That touch of your leg is as innocent as could be." I told him, barely able to keep a straight face. "No, seriously. I won't try anything. I don't expect that tonight. It's not what this is about." I said seriously.

Colby just nodded at me in response. We sat together silent for a long time. Colby pushed off the cement with his feet, causing us to start swinging slowly. I smiled as he did. We slowly swayed back and forth, a warm feeling beginning to grow in me as we shared this time together, close to one another.

That warm feeling didn't last for long. It vanished from me rapidly when Colby broke our silence.

"Jon?"

"Yeah?" I asked, looking over at him.

"Tell me a story." he said slowly.

"What? What the hell are you talking about?" I laughed. "You are just like a little kid, I swear. What kind of story do you want to hear?" I asked him.

"Just tell me a story. I want to hear about you and what happened in your life before I came along." he told me.

"No, you don't. I know you think you might want to. But trust me, the less

you know, the better." I said. I took a long drink out of my beer as I began to roll thoughts around in my mind about what kind of things in my past he could be eluding to.

"Jon, there's nothing in the world you can tell me that I won't hear. I can take it. You can't scare me away, if that's what you're worried about. There's nothing you can tell me that will make me run away." he assured me.

"Fine. I'm going to hold you to that, though..." I mumbled. "Ask away."

Colby fiddled with the corner of the blanket as he thought about what kind of story he wanted me to tell him. "Well...I know you told me the story of how you came to decide you were done with women. You never told me about the first time you were with a man." he said, resting his head on my shoulder. "I want to hear that story."

"That's not really a story..." I began to say, but I stopped myself. I took a deep breath and prepared myself. "You sure?" I asked him again.

"Yes."

I sighed. "It isn't a pretty story. It's a fucked up story, to put it mildly." I said, a chill running through me as I recalled the events of the winter when I turned twenty years old.

_January 2006 _

_Cincinnati, OH_

"_Sell that dope, boy." my boss crackled out between strained coughs and puffs of his cigarette. "Be back at two o'clock." he finished as he waved me out the door of his apartment. "GOT IT?"_

"_Yeah. I got it." I mumbled as he slammed the door behind me. _

_I pulled up the hood of my worn out winter jacket and braced myself for the gust of cold air as I left the building and returned to the streets I called home. I was so fucking tired of being wrapped up in all of this. I hated standing out in the cold, selling dope to the same old fiends week after week just to try to save up enough money to pay for training. I had no other choice. Without the funds, I wouldn't be able to keep going. I had to earn the money somehow. Sure, I could have gone out and worked at a real job. But that would have taken me forever. I needed to have enough cash saved up by the first of April so that I would be able to keep coming back to Les Thatcher's school and honing my craft. I never got to keep as much of the money as I thought I should, but it was fast cash. And it added up quickly when I spent so much time out here. _

_It was hell, selling dope. By the time two o'clock would roll around my hands and feet would be frozen. And it wasn't like I had a warm place to go afterward where I could recuperate. I'd be going back to a chilly abandoned building where some of us young kids chose to hide out during the winter months. Those kids like me. With parents like mine who didn't give a fuck. Kids that ran away from home. Young men, mostly still teenagers, who sold dope like me or stooped to committing crimes to make ends meet. It would be a long night standing on street after street, selling to the same sick old junkies that I saw night in and night out. _

_The only thing that was capable of keeping me going was my dream. The thought of fulfilling my dream was what kept me out here. If I knew any other way, I wouldn't be out here. But, you do what you know. I wasn't going to let anything get in the way of my dream of being a professional wrestler. The nights when I got to get in the ring at HWA shows were the only nights when I truly felt alive. Standing out on the street corner? No, that life didn't exist once I set foot between those ropes. I was a different man. I was somebody. I was no longer just a punk kid selling dope to gutter rats and welfare mommas. I only got in the ring once in a while for now, and in front of small crowds at high school gyms and other little venues around Ohio. It was small time independent wrestling. I didn't care. All I knew was that it made me feel alive. And that this was just the start. _

"_Hey Boozy." I greeted my favorite drunken customer. "Here you go man." I said as he slipped the money in my palm. _

"_Damn, Johnny boy. It's fucking cold out here." he commented. _

"_Yeah. I suppose it is." I said, looking up to the sky.  
"Them look like snow clouds. You better hunker down somewhere warm tonight." he said, shaking my hand as he shuffled away, the smell of brandy following as he trudged down the street. He and I both knew that neither one of us had anyplace warm to return to later on tonight, to call home. _

_Two o'clock finally rolled around and I returned to my boss. He must have been feeling generous because he gave me a little more of the cut than he usually did. Or maybe he was just to high to notice he gave me a few bills that he hadn't meant to. Now that my "work" was over for the night I could finally go back to my drafty corner in the old abandoned building that used to be a thriving factory here in Cincinnati. That was nothing to look forward to. _

_I decided to take a different way back and realized what street I was on. I was headed towards the dive bar where my friend Carlos spent his nights bar tending. I hurried to the door, thinking that he might still be there. I had to smile when I saw that he was inside. I banged on the window to get his attention. _

"_Johnny! Hijo de puta flaco alto." he said, grinning at me. _

"_Los. You know I don't speak spanish." I smiled. "Two questions. What the fuck did you just say to me? And can I come in?"_

"_I called you a tall, skinny bastard. And yes...you can come in."_

_We both laughed. I felt relief as soon as I entered the bar. It was warm. I sat on a stool at the end of the bar as I watched him clean up for the night. Carlos, or Los as I liked to call him, he was one of the few people who I felt connected with. He was my friend. I trusted him. That's saying a lot. I could count the number of people in this world that I trusted on one hand and still have fingers left over. _

_There was something about Los that just seemed trustworthy. He was like me. He ran away from home with his younger brother and sister a few years back because his dad was an abusive asshole. He took pleasure in beating all three of them and Carlos decided he just couldn't take it any longer. He took off late one night with his two siblings. Now he was on his own, just like me. The only difference between us was that I didn't have any obligations. I had to worry about only myself. Los had two young kids to feed. He worked two or three jobs to make money to feed his brother and sister, to try to make sure they always had a place to stay. I think maybe he was Puerto Rican, but I wasn't sure. I knew that he took much delight in saying things to me in spanish that I couldn't understand. Usually he told me what they meant. Sometimes he didn't. _

"_Johnny? ¿Quieres una cerveza?" he asked me. Los was the only person on this earth that I would allow to call me Johnny. For some reason I thought it was cute. _

_I knew enough spanish to understand that he was offering me a beer. I nodded and motioned with my fingers for him to bring me a drink. He stared at me as I sipped on the beer. _

"_¿Por qué lo haces?" he asked me as he leaned over the bar. "Why do you do it, Jon?" _

"_Do what?" I asked him. _

"_Sell dope." he said. "I know you could get a real job. You're smart enough."_

"_I don't want a real job." I told him, sighing. "I just want to make money. I need fast cash. I do it for the same reason you work three jobs. Because I love something and I need to support it." _

_Los smiled at me. "I understand." he told me, leaving that part of the conversation alone. "I bet you get a lot of women coming after you. Ratas. Putas. Sluts. You don't like those kinds of girls, do you?"_

_I scoffed. "After the last year or so, I don't really like any women." I explained to him. "Kinda got soured on the idea of being with a girl. Let's just say my ex wasn't too kind to me. She felt like she needed to get some revenge. She aborted our baby. Came back and told me a few weeks later. Slapped me across the face and told me I deserved it. Fucking rotten bitch." I mumbled, gripping my beer bottle tighter. I looked up at Carlos. He was just watching and listening, like he always did for me. _

"_I'm sorry. So what are you saying Jon? Ha terminado con las mujeres?" he asked me, pausing. "You're done with women?"_

"_Think so." I said, finishing my beer and clacking the bottle back down on the bar in front of him. _

"_Los hombres son mejores de todos modos." he told me. I looked up at him with a confused look on my face, hoping for a translation. Looking at him, there was a strange look in his dark brown eyes I'd never seen before. "I said...men are better anyway." he told me, sliding his hand underneath my chin as he did. He gently let his hand slide out from under my face, his fingertips like feathers as they broke contact with my skin. _

"_¿Alguna vez has besado a un hombre?" he purred out the words to me, getting some sort of thrill from the knowledge that I couldn't understand him. "Have you ever kissed a man?" _

_I swallowed hard. I stared at Los, his dark eyes sparkling. He was what I would call a feminine looking man. He had soft features, beautiful skin the color of mocha. He was much shorter than me and possessed a smaller frame. I had wondered a few times during our friendship if he could be gay. There were some signs. I mostly ignored them. It wasn't really my business. He could be gay if he wanted to be. I didn't care. _

_I searched for the right answer to his question. It wasn't a yes or no question. It was more than that. We both knew it. Before I could respond Los took my hand in his, asking me "Tal vez te gustaría?" as he looked into my eyes. "Maybe you would like to?" _

_Carlos led me by the hand to the back of the bar, to the storage room. I rolled over in my head over and over again the thought of this, going through with this. I abandoned all thoughts when he closed the door behind us and turned off the light. I slowly started to take off my jacket but he stopped me, telling me "Déjame hacerlo a mi. Let me do it." He reached out to me, slowly taking off my clothes. "Siempre he querido ver cómo se veía sin ropa." he told me softly, resting his head on my bare chest. _

"_What did you say?" I asked him, running my fingers through his short, black hair. _

"_I've always wanted to see how you looked with no clothes on." he whispered. He looked up at me, his eyes locked with mine. I leaned down and kissed him. A thrill like no thrill I had ever experienced before in my life shot through me as soon as our lips met. It felt like electricity between our bodies as his hands were everywhere, touching me softly. "Eres tan hermosa. You're so beautiful." he told me. _

_I grabbed him up in my arms, his legs wrapping around my torso. I brought him over to a stack of boxes against the wall and set him down so that we were the same height. We kissed each other for what seemed like forever. Eventually Los climbed down and dropped to his knees in front of me, telling me softly as he removed my pants, "Quiero saborearte." He moved in closer, his face against the skin of my thigh. "I want to taste you." _

_Carlos and I had sex there, in the storage room of the bar. I never told him how scared I was. He knew though. I was sure. Obviously he understood that I'd never been with a man before. Afterward we left, walking together in the direction of the room he rented for his little broken family. "Johnny, I don't want this to change anything between us." he told me as we both stood on the steps at his house. _

"_Yeah, I know. It's fine." I lied. _

"_You were good. Muy bueno." he whispered to me, his lips gently meeting my neck as he did. "Maybe we can do this again sometime?" he asked me. _

_I nodded at him, his hand still wrapped around mine. "Buenas noches, amor." he whispered to me. _

_I was reeling as I walked back "home". The thought of me being done with women was fully realized. I didn't even want to think about sex or relationships. But now...he had me thinking. The thought hadn't crossed my mind that I could be gay, not until tonight. I just figured that I'd be alone. Now Carlos made me think that there might be hope. _

_The next night I was back out on the street. It was back to business as usual. The plan was to somehow meet up with Los once the night had come to a close. The night went by slowly. The wind was blowing like crazy, whipping around my face all night as I stood out on my post. Finally two o'clock came and I returned once again to my boss. This time he gave me less than I felt I earned. I couldn't win, no matter how hard I tried. _

_I met up with Los half way between my post and the bar. "My place?" I joked with him, knowing that my place was far from glamorous. _

"_Listen, Johnny. We need to walk fast. There's some bad guys lurking around tonight and they don't really appreciate my kind." he talked fast, tucking his hands into his pockets and lowering his head as we rounded a corner._

"_What are you talking about?" I asked him, trying to look him in the eye. He refused the eye contact though, keeping his face pointed down at the snow covered sidewalk. "Answer me. What kind of guys?" _

"_Los miembros de pandillas. Gang members." he told me. "They followed me earlier. Threatened me. They don't like guys like me. Like us." _

"_Like what?" I asked, the answer dawning on me as soon as the words left my lips. "Oh..." I mumbled. _

"_They don't take too kindly to gay boys." he told me, finally looking up at me. I could feel my eyes grow bigger as soon as I got a look at his face. He had the biggest black eye I'd ever seen in my life, much worse than anything I'd ever seen as a result of being in the wrestling ring. _

"_They did this to you?" I asked him, outraged. _

"_Yeah." he said softly. "I don't want either one of us to get caught up in this again, Jon. We should go." Los began walking quickly down the street. It wasn't long though, before we heard their voices. _

"_FAGGOTS? Where ya running to?" I balled up my fists and felt my whole body tense up. If they were looking for a fight, I would give it to them. I turned around slowly, assessing the situation. I turned to see three of them, tall, large guys. All wearing black coats and black pants with the logo of the local gang embossed on them. _

"_Johnny, we gotta run." Los told me, grabbing my arm. _

"_I'm not running from anything." I told him. "You can run. I'm staying. I've got nothing to lose."_

"_I'm not leaving you." he told me. _

"_Then stay back. This is going to be fucking ugly."_

_I watched them as they slowly approached us. They were all about my height, my size or just a little bigger. I tried to look at them and see if they had any obvious weapons, but I couldn't tell from the distance between us. _

"_Is it really worth it, Jon?" Los asked as he stood behind me. _

"_Where the fuck do you two faggots think you're going?" one of them asked me, coming closer to us. "I'm sure your little friend here told you all about how we roughed him up earlier."_

"_Why don't you mind your own fucking business?" I hissed out. _

"_It is our business. You see, we run this part of town. And we don't appreciate queers like you two bringing this gay bullshit around here." he told me. _

"_So what are you going to do, beat my ass? Huh, tough guy?" I challenged him. _

"_That what you want, gay boy? You want me to beat the queer out of you? Probably jizz right in your fucking pants just from me beating the ever loving shit out of you." he laughed. I'd heard enough. I reached back and cocked my fist as he had his head turned away from me, laughing. I made contact with his jaw, knocking him off his feet and down into the snowbank. _

"_GET HIS ASS!" he yelled at his two friends, the two of them rushing at us._

"_Fuck. Jon, what the fuck do we do now?" Los asked from behind me. _

"_I'll protect you, just defend yourself the best you can if one of them comes at you." I told him. _

_The bigger of the two men tackled me and took me down to the ground. I quickly got the upper hand and ended up on top of him, punches quickly connecting with any part of his face and head that he couldn't cover up fast enough. Los gave chase to the other guy, being small and fast he managed to elude him temporarily. The big guy and I somehow fought up to our feet. I managed to lure him over to a parked car and quickly bashed his head against the hood, watching as he slumped down to the snow covered pavement and a small pool of red began to spread out next to him._

_I heard Los yelling from behind me. I made my way to him as quickly as I could, still a bit disoriented from a few blows to the head I'd taken in the scuffle. When he came into sight I gasped, my lungs burning as I sprinted over to him. "Let him go!" I yelled at the two men. They had Los in their grasp, cornered and shoved up against a chain length fence. The one I punched first had Los up in the air, gripped by the collar of his jacket. They were both taking turns punching and kicking at him. "LET HIM FUCKING GO!" I yelled, shaking Los from the grip of our attackers and hearing him thud to the ground. I shoved the guy closest to me, feeling the other one start to punch at my back._

"_When are you fucking fags going to learn that you can't just come out here and corrupt our little town?" he taunted us. I fought with both of them the best I could, taking the worst of the beating as I flailed desperately between the two men, just hoping to take down of one of them. At some point, my instincts just took over. I somehow spotted a trash can lid and fell to the ground, lunging for it. I used it to shield myself from the punches, the bigger guy yelling out "FUCK!" as he punched the metal instead of me. I got up to my feet quickly, the adrenaline taking over. I no longer cared where I was or that I'd just taken a beating. I only knew that I had to protect Carlos. He had much more to live for than I did. I bashed the bigger guy over the head with the trash can lid three or four times before he collapsed to the ground on this hands and knees. _

_I tossed the lid to the side and began kicking him in the stomach and ribs until I knew he wasn't going to get up. I turned to find my other attacker, horrified to see him threatening Los with a knife. "Just RUN Jon. He's fucking crazy. He's going to stab you too..." he yelled at me, a terrified look in his eyes. I swallowed hard, reaching into my inner coat pocket. This was a last resort. I didn't want to have to do this, though as soon as I'd connected with that first punch at the start of the fight I knew I'd end up having to. I slowly moved towards the guy with the knife, my hand still in my pocket. "Put. Him. DOWN!" I warned him. _

"_Fuck off. You're next." he told me as he dropped Carlos and turned to face me, the end of the knife pointed towards me, the tip of it red with blood. _

_It sent me into a frenzy, seeing the blood on the end of the knife and realizing who it belonged to. I pulled out the gun I kept in my pocket for protection and pointed it at him, using my other hand to smack the knife out of his grip as a horrified look spread across his face. I pointed the gun at his throat, backing him up so that now he was the one with his back to the fence. "How you like this, huh? HUH? BIG TOUGH GUY? You don't think it's so fucking hot when the tables are turned, do you?" I screamed at him. "DID YOU STAB MY FRIEND?" I asked him, my finger on the trigger. "ANSWER ME!"_

"_Hey man, I just stabbed him in the arm. I just wanted to scare him, that's all. Come on, man. Oh, shit..." he cried, beginning to sob hysterically and beg for me to put the gun away. _

"_Shit, Jon...stoppit. Please." Los told me, shivering in the snow. _

"_I think next time you decide you're going to come out here at night and bully some young kids, or beat up some gay boys...you better be careful who you're fucking with." I told him, moving the gun away slowly. I looked in his eyes, a desperate look in his face. I was way past the point of just letting him go without hurting him. I had to make my point. I wasn't going to let him go without a permanent reminder of the night he fucked with Jonathan Good. I took a couple of steps back, the gun still pointed at him. I retrieved his knife and moved closer to him, using his coat to wipe the blood off of it before putting it in my pocket. I stared at him as he begged me to just let him leave, to put the gun away. I felt my teeth grinding together as my anger reached it's highest point. I pulled the trigger, shooting him in the leg. _

"_JON!" I heard Carlos yelling at me. "NO!"_

_I hunkered down in front of our attacker, getting right up in his face as he moaned and whimpered out in pain. "Like I told you, next time think about it before you just decide to fuck with some random kids out on the street at night. You don't have any right to bully anybody, whether they be gay, straight, or somewhere in between." I hissed out. "I hope you never walk the same way again. I hope you fucking die out here on the street, I hope you bleed to death. You would deserve it. Next time you'll think twice before you mess with someone who's crazy as fuck and has nothing to lose."_

_I got up and put my gun away, linking arms with Carlos and leading us away quickly. We ran as soon as we got to the end of the street. I brought him back to the old building where I was staying and asked him to show me where he'd been stabbed. "It's not that bad." he said as he rolled up the sleeve of his shirt. "It's just a little cut. I'll be okay." he said quietly, putting his coat back on. It wasn't a deep cut, but it would take time to heal. I shook my head as he stared at me. "Jon?" he asked me. "Did you really have to shoot that guy?" he said, his voice breaking as he did. I swallowed hard. I didn't want to answer that question. We both knew the answer. No. _

"_Come on." I said, grabbing his hand. "I'll walk you home."_

_When we arrived, I stood in the foyer of his house, shaking. "Los...I don't think we should be friends any more." I said slowly, my heart breaking a little bit as the words left my lips. "I...I'm no good. It...this...it's my fault. I'm to blame. If you weren't hanging around with me tonight..." _

"_Jon..." he began to say. I cut him off. _

"_NO. This is it. I'm no good for you. You have bigger things to think about. You've got those kids to take care of. Just worry about them. Don't worry about me. I'm not somebody you need to have around." I told him, slowly backing away. _

"_Jon...Gracias por salvarme." he told me softly. I looked up at him as he did. Our eyes met one last time and he pressed his lips to mine softly. "Thank you for saving me." he whispered. _

_I walked out the door, fighting the urge to look back. I ran home, feeling the tears beginning to fall when I was almost there. I didn't see Carlos again after that night. I moved to a different part of town and started selling there. I found a new place to hide out at night, a different abandoned building. I couldn't go back. I didn't want to see him again. Not after that night. _

XxXxXxXxXxXx

After my story wrapped up it was getting pretty late. It was dark and chilly outside, so Colby suggested that we call it a night. I tried to read him, but came up with nothing. I wasn't sure if my story had done something to him or not. I just had to keep repeating in my mind what he told me. _"__There's nothing you can tell me that will make me run away." _I repeated it to myself a few times as I walked out to his car with him.

"Well. This was fun. I guess I'll call you in the morning?" I asked, that awkward feeling creeping back in as I tried to tell him goodbye. I tried to make a joke to break things up a bit. "Would a kiss on a first date be out of the question? I know you said you're not that kind of guy...but I think I know better..."

I at least earned a laugh from him. I brought my body to Colby and closed my mouth over his. It felt like a relief, kissing him. It felt real and it felt right. I didn't want it to end. I also didn't want things to escalate to the point where I was dragging him back inside of my house and to my bedroom.

"Goodnight, Jon." he told me sweetly, wrapping his arms around me and hugging me with his face in my neck.

"Goodnight." I told him softly. I watched him as he drove off, not going back inside until he was completely out of sight.

XxXxXxX xXxX

I only made it about a five minute drive from Jon's house before I stopped. I pulled into a stranger's driveway and turned around quickly, groaning as I asked myself the same question it seemed I'd asked myself every day for the last few months. "Am I really doing this?" I said softly.

I pulled off to the side of the road and turned off my car. I leaned over and rested my head on the steering wheel, taking a deep breath. "What the fuck?" I asked myself, remembering the story Jon had just told me not an hour ago. I felt a sting in my eyes as tears started to fall down at the idea of young Jon out on the streets, engaged in battles with not only himself, but everyone else around him. How it seemed like, from the stories he was telling me, he was forever paying off a debt he didn't owe. It was the hand he was dealt. Where he came from. What he was. _Who _he was. He was a product of his environment. Nothing more. Nothing less. I had to keep telling myself that.

A rational human being would never listen to Jon's stories and stick around afterward. They weren't just stories that you listened to and then forgot about. There was no way of getting them out of your mind once they left Jon's mouth and entered your brain. They followed you, these stories. So real, so raw. It was his life. I had no choice but to accept them, if those things had never happened to Jon...he wouldn't be with me where he was now. I knew that he was far from that person now. He didn't have to fight any more. At least, not in the same capacity he used to.

I tried my best to gain my composure as I sat there in the dark, on the side of the road. My inner struggle never ended. The battle raging inside of me about Jon was always at the front of my mind. To stay or to go? Tonight I couldn't help but feel like I should go back. The urge was so strong, it was overwhelming. I hated to admit it, but I knew that by going back I would be ruining the night we'd shared. Would it be worth it? It'd be ruined. What if things didn't go as I planned once I got there? We could end up fighting again. I didn't want that. All I really wanted to do was get in bed with Jon and make love with him, like that last time he showed up at my house a couple of weeks ago. There was only a fifty fifty chance I would get that version of Jon once I got there. So I asked myself again, out loud this time, "Would it be worth it?".

I started my car up again, making a wide u-turn and grinding my lips as I headed in the direction of my home.

XxXxXxXxXxXx

I wandered around my house aimlessly for about fifteen minutes after Colby left me. I didn't know what else to do. I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep just yet. The thought of watching television or reading a book bored me at the moment. I didn't know what to do with myself. I had no idea how to act. I picked up my phone and almost called him, planning on begging him to come back just to keep me company for the rest of the night. I decided against it.

I stripped off my clothes and found myself down to nothing but my boxers. I groaned and tried to suppress the urge to smoke a cigarette. I couldn't fight it tonight. I needed it.

I felt a bit ridiculous, standing on my back porch nearly nude and barefoot, smoking a cigarette. Yeah, it was a bit cold outside. I didn't care. The cold air actually felt good. I imagined that the cold breeze was clear, translucent. It floated all around me and made me calm. It hit my skin and sent a chill through my legs, my body feeling refreshed as I finished my cigarette and took a deep breath. I stretched my arms out over my head, standing up on my toes. Everything seemed clear to me, seemed right. I had more hope for the future than I'd felt in a long time. I smiled as I watched the traffic pass by my house.

When I decided I'd had enough of the cold air, I retired to my bedroom. I turned off the light and wandered over to my bed. I kept my phone close to the bedside, the selfish thought of Colby calling or texting me tonight still on my mind as I crawled onto my bed. I was only in bed for a few minutes when I heard a faint knock. I jumped out of bed, shocked. Even though I knew who it was, my heart began to beat faster as I walked to the front door. Colby leaped at me when I opened the door, a wild look in his eyes as he grabbed me and pulled our bodies together. He kissed me quickly, the need he was feeling apparent in the motion of his lips rapidly brushing against mine over and over again.

We somehow made our way down the hallway to my bedroom, Colby pressed my body against the wall before my room, assaulting my body with soft caresses and gentle movements of his hips against mine as he kissed me. He held a tight grip on my forearms as I reached between us to unbutton his jeans. His arms circled my body and his lips attacked my neck, my collarbone. I moaned as his tongue traced over the sensitive flesh of my ear. I felt lost, confused. Why was he here? This wasn't Colby. It seemed more like something I would have done. Either way, I was beyond the point of objecting. Obviously he wanted to be here, or he wouldn't have returned to me. I smiled at the thought, Colby's breath against my neck as I felt our mutual desire spreading around us just like the cool night air from earlier.

"_How am I supposed to breathe?_

_I try to relax, I touch your still frame._

_So I can watch you closer,_

_and study the ways I believe I belong to you."_

"Don't talk. I just need you right now. Take me." Colby told me, stifling my question of why he'd come back. That was all I needed to hear him say. I grinned triumphantly as I kissed him. I made quick work of removing his clothes and pushing him down to the bed. He laid there, still. I stared at him as I'd done many times now, just watching him and taking in the sight of his body. I'd never get enough. I got on top of him, Colby inching his hands down my body slowly. His touch tonight was more tender, more intimate than it had ever been. It drove me crazy. His fingers slid underneath the band of my boxers, gliding gently across the flesh of my torso and hips. His hand closed over my length and I took a sharp breath as he moved up and down slowly. I felt my fingernails dig at the flesh of his waist as I started losing myself in the feeling.

"Not yet." I warned him, removing his hand and resting it back down against the bed. I kissed his chest and neck, making my way over to his shoulders. I pressed my lips to his body over and over again, trying my best to cover every inch of him. Colby reached up, touching my face with his hand. I smiled down at him and took his hand in mine, bringing his palm to my lips. His fingers moved along my lower lip, his thumb sliding against my bottom row of teeth as he grinned at me from his spot on my bed. I closed my mouth over his thumb, gently flicking at it with my tongue as I sucked on it. I watched his face change as I kissed his palm. I moved down, licking at his wrist. I felt his body move and his hips buck with the contact. A gentle moan left his lips as I did it once again, my tongue sliding across the soft flesh of his wrist. "You like that, huh?" I whispered. "That's a good spot?" I earned another louder moan as I kissed and licked again, over his wrist and down below it. Finding a sweet spot like this on his body amused me to no end. I felt victorious. I looked in his eyes, my eyes never leaving his as I switched to the other wrist and watched him writhe in pleasure as I teased him with my tongue.

"You're getting a real kick out of this, aren't you?" he asked when I laughed softly at him. "You found one of my more sensitive areas. I like being touched there, but no lover has ever found it. Until now..." he whispered to me, his eyes big and bright as he looked up at me.

"_I scratch at your waistline, your doll hair._

_I dig up the thought of how your eyes glow._

_So I make you my religion, my collision, my scape goat,_

_So have I found your secret weak spot, baby?"_

Colby moved us so that he was now on top of me. I decided I was okay with relinquishing the power just for a little while. This moment was perfect for me. Somehow I managed to lose myself in the touch of my lover, the feeling of his body against mine. The light kisses he was making in a straight line down my body, they made me forget everything else in the world. He made all of the bad memories that telling my story dredged up tonight. There was only the two of us in the world. There had only ever been the two of us in the world, as far as I was concerned. It was all I needed to believe. For a few moments, I felt as though I was good enough.

"_Can you pretend I'm amazing?_

_I can pretend I'm amazing._

_Instead of what we both know._

_Instead of what we both know._

_I cut to the punch line, baby._

_Cam you pretend I'm amazing?_

_Instead of what we both know."_

I took a deep breath as my moment of clarity passed, looking over at the scabbed over skin of the mark I left on him. I frowned, all of the bad things between us coming rushing back to me as I realized that we weren't normal, as he would like for us to be. I tried my best to push it out of my mind, to at least try to give him what he wanted for one night. "Normal." I whispered out without even realizing it.

"What?" he asked me, moving from my body a bit.

"Nothing." I assured him, holding him close to me and locking my lips to his. I couldn't help but think about all the things he told me yesterday. _"__I say we have a clean slate. You don't know me and I don't know you._ _There's no history. You didn't secretly lust after me for years. We just met and we don't know each other."_ His words bounced around in my mind. I knew I would never be capable of that. It almost hurt, thinking about it now, that he would even say that to me.

"_Now our history is for sale._

_And for that I apologize. _

_You see you're my only know-how. _

_The study of when I believed I belonged to you. _

_You see I've made you into something more delicious, my sweet ghost._

_So have I found your secret weak spot, baby?"_

I did my best to chase away any negative thoughts as I pressed my cock against Colby's ass, his back to me now as we both rested on our sides. "I need you." he whispered to me, I pretended that statement meant more than it really did. I entered him from behind slowly with my slicked up cock, reaching around to the front of his body and taking him in my hand. We fucked like that, side by side. Colby reached behind his body and laced his fingers through my hair as I continued slowly grinding my cock into his ass. As we both moved together in a sweet rhythm I lost myself in thoughts about our relationship. The last thing I wanted in all of this was to hurt him, disappoint him. But I knew it was inevitable. For just a few minutes, during our intimacy, I let myself go. I allowed myself to accept the notion that maybe we could live happily ever after, that everything would be okay. That it could be like this forever.

"_Can you pretend I'm amazing?_

_I can pretend I'm amazing._

_Instead of what we both know._

_Instead of what we both know._

_I cut to the punch line, baby._

_Cam you pretend I'm amazing?_

_Instead of what we both know."_

Colby was clingy and cuddly after we both finished. I didn't mind. I let him wrap his arms around me and nestle up to me in my bed. "Why did you come back?" I asked him.

"I wanted to be here with you." he told me as he lifted his head, looking at me with half open eyes. "I turned around about two or three times before finally giving in."

"Giving in?" I asked him.

"Yeah."

"Giving in to what?" I wondered.

"What my heart wanted. What my body needed." he replied.

I smiled as I rested my chin on the top of his head. I adored the fact that he finally told me he needed me. Even if just for this one night, I felt like things were the way they should be.

Author's note: So, as I said in the beginning of this chapter, after this there in only one more in this part of their story. It will probably be a long chapter. I'll be covering a lot of ground in it. I see it playing out as a series of events I in their life, in chronological order, that lead up to a big event at the end. I don't want to spoil anything. It might be a little bit before I post it. I've got to give it some thought. THANK YOU FOR COMING THIS FAR WITH ME! I love all of you who read my work.


	20. The End

Author's note: This is the end, my friends. Well...for now. What I hope to do here is to tell the story of what happens over the course of the next nine months in their relationship. This is a long chapter kids. We'll start in April at WrestleMania and end up in December of 2013. There will be a series of snippets of their life together in chronological order. After the events of this year are done, we'll have another flashback to Jon's past that oddly mirrors the ending of the story. POV's will probably switch around. A couple of guest appearances again in this chapter. Some song lyrics included will be: "I Can't Let You Go" by Matchbox Twenty, select lyrics from the song "True Love" by Pink, the rest of the lyrics from "Love The Way You Lie, Part 2", and select lyrics from Blue October's song "Been Down".

April 2013

WrestleMania Weekend Axxess Day 1

After spending most of the day at the fan interaction festival known as Axxess Colby, Roman, and I were finally done for the day. Roman suggested we go out for the night. Colby balked at the invitation, making up a lame excuse about feeling tired. I shook my head and told Roman "Maybe tomorrow night...", shrugging my shoulders.

"Oh, I get it..." Roman told both of us, raising his eyebrows as an understanding look spread across his face. "Mmmmhmmm." he said as he left us. We made our way back to our room and settled in for the night.

I sat on our bed, watching Colby as he turned through page after page of the local newspaper. The last couple of weeks had passed us by quickly. We were on the fast track to WrestleMania and spent the majority of our time together traveling. Though I knew we were both still conflicted about our relationship, we'd been getting along quite well. There were no arguments, no fights. We spent many nights together and things were peaceful. I found great comfort in his company. I felt like we were in a good place, but I was still afraid to disrupt the positive thing we had going by bringing up a sore subject. Commitment. I wanted more. I needed to know he was on the same page. And if he wasn't, then I didn't know if I could keep going.

"Jon?" Colby's voice brought me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah?" I said, looking at his face and finding a serious look there.

"We gotta talk about something that's been bothering me." he sighed.

Oh no. Here it was. What I'd been dreading. I took a deep breath and braced myself for the bad news that was about to come my way. "Okay. Shoot." I told him, sitting up straight and paying close attention to him.

"I think you and I, we've been doing better over the past couple of weeks. I feel like we finally understand each other a little more and even though I'm still intimidated by you, still scared of what all of this could bring...I want to keep going." he said slowly, choosing his words carefully.

I smiled at him, a warm feeling rushing through my body. "Really?"

He let out a small laugh, nodding as he told me, "Yeah. Really. Let's give this thing a real, serious shot." he told me as he took my hand in his.

"I'm sorry, Colby. I must have the most shocked look on my face right now. I had serious doubts about us and I didn't know if I'd ever hear you speak those words to me, honestly I didn't..." I mumbled as this thumb moved back and forth over the back of my hand.

"_I'll stick around and see how bad it gets._

_I'll settle down and deal with old regrets._

_You know I adore you._

_I can't let you go. Can't let you go. _

_You're part of my soul. You're all that I know. _

_I can't let you go._

_Is it better now?_

_Do you feel like all is fair?_

_Oh, can we work it out?_

_So it's easier for me to bear?_

_Because life, it can blind you._

_I can't let you go. Can't let you go._

_You're part of my soul. You're all that I know. _

_I can't let you go."_

"Please don't make me regret this, Jon." he whispered in my ear as we embraced.

I cringed. Even in this moment, things had to feel bittersweet. I couldn't blame him for having his doubts. They were justified. "I'll try my hardest, I promise. For you."

XxXxXxXxXxXx

April 7th, WrestleMania 29

"We made it." I told him as I squeezed his gloved hand. "We're here. We're really here."

WrestleMania.

A surreal feeling had been slowly overtaking me ever since we'd first arrived at the stadium. It was real. We were here. There was no way to count the number of times between Colby and I that we'd dreamed of this day over the course of our lives. Nothing can prepare you for the realization of a dream. The thoughts about the moment, the fantasies...they can't possibly do any justice to the real thing.

As I looked out at the sea of fans, I pressed my taped hand to the small of his back. I looked over at my ally. My teammate. My friend. My lover. My mate.

The most ridiculous grin had been plastered on his face the whole day. Who could blame him? Time almost seemed to stop as we stared out at the ring. WrestleMania was upon us. We would have the chance to make our mark. Soon our moment would come.

Three hours later I managed to calm myself and felt focused, focused on our match that would be happening in a matter of minutes. Colby and I stood side by side watching as best we could through the crowd as our three opponents for the night made their way to the ring. "Ready?" he whispered to me, clutching my hand one last time as he did.

"Ready." I answered.

Our music hit and we made our way through the crowd. We marched over to the stage they'd set up for us to stand on before making our way to the ring. Colby and I stood there, cameras on us. The crowd staring at us. Fans all over the world watching us on pay per view. "We really made it." he said out of the corner of his mouth.

I leaned in close to him, telling him softly as I cocked my head in his direction, "If you think this is exciting, just wait for what I have planned for later when I get you alone."

"You know, you really fucked up my head earlier." Colby told me as he turned onto the highway, making his way back to our hotel. "Why would you say something like that to me, right before our match?" he asked me, laughing.

"Good. That's what I wanted." I said, grinning. "I just wanted to let you know that you had something to look forward to." I squirmed in my seat, anxious to get back so we could be alone.

As soon as we locked the door behind us, I was on him. I picked him up and carried him over to the bed, throwing him down on it. I climbed on top of him and smiled as he wrapped his legs around my waist. We kissed for the longest time, sharing heated words and raspy moans as our lips met.

I broke our kiss and moved back, asking him a very important question. "Colby, do you want to celebrate? I mean, it's our first WrestleMania. I think this calls for some special treatment. What do you say?'

He nodded at me as he brushed his hair away from his face. "Stand up." I instructed him. I slowly removed all of his clothes, taking my time so that I could take a mental picture of him just like this. This night? It was perfect in every way. This man? He was perfect in every way. Colby was understanding so far and had been very patient with me. I knew he deserved only the best and I planned on trying my hardest to not disappoint him.

"Turn around." I told him. Colby turned his back to me, showing me his beautiful bare ass and the lettering inked on his spine. I felt my lips tremble as I recalled how many nights before I'd taken him as my lover that I'd imagined tracing my fingers up and down those symbols. Now I could, it was real. He was real. And so was I. I reached out and gently touched his tattoo, making the design with my fingertips. I reached around him and pressed my palms to the hot flesh of his chest. I slowly moved my hands down his body as I met his ass with my hips. He hissed out my name as I reached down and stroked his cock a few times.

I broke contact with his cock and pulled his arms back, holding his hands at the small of his back. I took my roll of black tape from earlier on in the night when I'd taped up and pulled off a length of it with my mouth. I used it to secure his hands together behind his back by wrapping it around his wrists. "Now I have you right where I want you." I whispered as I ran my hand through is hair. "You're mine. All mine." I told him between kisses over his shoulders and neck. "Tell me."

"I'm yours." he told me softly. He let out a small groan of pleasure as I pressed my half hard cock against his ass. "You've got me. Now what?" he asked. Colby was turning me on tonight more than he ever had before. I wasn't sure why, but I had my theories. I think it was partly due to the fact that it was our first WrestleMania and we were both still on top of the world. The rest of it I knew was because of his demeanor. For one of the first times in our sexual relationship, I felt like he was relaxed. I didn't sense a bit of fear or apprehension in his voice at all, he seemed to be comfortable with me even though I had him where I wanted him now and could do what I pleased.

"Sit down on the bed." I told him as I turned him around. I leaned down and kissed him, reaching out and tugging at his nipples as our tongues danced together. "You're not going anywhere, you're all mine." I reminded him as I gently dug my nails in the skin of his neck. He winced a little, but let out a small moan as well, letting me know that he loved this. I grabbed a handful of his hair, asking him "What do you want?". I don't remember ever having asked one of my former lovers a question like that, but he was different. By far, he was my favorite.

"You watched me as you took my clothes off, now I want to see you. I want to see you take it off." he told me as he smirked at me. I smiled at him and let out a short laugh.

I took a few steps back and kicked off my shoes. I glanced down at his cock, grinning at the fact that it was already springing to attention. I shook off my jacket and tossed it behind me. I slowly unbuttoned my shirt and reached down to my sleeves, unbuttoning them too before slowly letting it slide off of my arms and hit the floor. Next I reached down to my belt, unbuckling it and taking it off very slowly. I held it in my hands and snapped it back and forth several times in front of him, a warning of what was coming later.

I took my sweet time unfastening my jeans and letting them slide down my body. I played with the band of my boxers with my thumbs as I stared straight in his eyes. He stared at me in return, his eyes transfixed on my body and the little show I was putting on for him. I dropped my boxers as well and kicked them away. I stood up straight and took a deep breath, running my hand through my hair as I smiled and asked him "Is this what you wanted?".

"You're beautiful." he commented softly. I couldn't help but cringe at the slightly vulnerable feeling that was creeping in. I pushed it away, knowing that this was what he wanted and that I was giving it to him.

I stood before him, Colby telling me "God, I wish I could touch you. I want to touch you, please?".

"Not yet." I told him, smirking. I helped him down to his knees in front of me, holding my cock in my hand as he stared up at me. "You want me?" I asked him, earning a nod. Colby pressed his face against my thigh and I closed my eyes as I felt his breath against my skin. I reached down and him at his shoulders as he started sucking my cock. He skillfully took my length back and forth inside his mouth, his tongue sliding against the underside with every stroke. I groaned as I gripped a handful of his hair. I wrapped it around my fist and pulled it every time he made me feel like I was growing closer to orgasm. "Pretty baby. You're so good at this." I told him as I gripped his hair and tugged. I let him keep going, down on the floor sucking my cock with his hands tired back behind him. When I couldn't take it any longer and needed a break, I moved away from him, telling him to stand up once more. I pressed his face down to the bed and lubed up his ass, slowly teasing him with one finger and then two. I used one hand to play with his ass and the other to lube up his cock, Colby moaning into the sheets as I did.

I picked up my belt and fastened it, making a loop. I brought my hand back and brought down hard, making contact with his ass. He jumped at first, not expecting the harsh contact of my belt on his ass. "I've been thinking about spanking your ass with my belt all day." I confessed to him. I swatted his cheeks with my belt at least a dozen more times before I found myself satisfied with the shade of bright pink his skin had taken on. I tossed my belt aside and entered him, taking in a sharp breath as the heat of his ass enveloped my dick. I closed my hand around his cock as we fell into a steady rhythm. I held his bound wrists with my other hand, fucking him hard as I stroked him up and down. I listened intently to his muffled cries as ass met with my hips over and over. I climaxed first with Colby not far behind me, my nails digging into the flesh of his wrist as I came.

We moved to the shower after, both of us standing underneath the shower as a hot stream of water ran over us and we embraced. "Jon, I'm so happy that we got to share this day together. Seriously...like, I'm glad that you were here with me to spend our first WrestleMania together. And this, what happened when we got back here...that's just as amazing." he told me as he held me to his body. "I love you. I'm happy to be here with you."

"I love you too, pretty baby. I love you." I told him as I kissed his forehead.

XxXxXxXxXxXx

June 10th 2013 Monday Night RAW

"We did it!" I told him as I pulled Jon close to me so only he could hear.

"We did it, pretty baby." he told me softly. A jolt ran all through my body as I heard Jon call me the nickname that he usually reserved for the bedroom. He grinned and stared right into the camera, making a triumphant face as he stuck his tongue out and held the tag team title belt high over his head.

Jon and I had both been on a high all day, beginning with the news that we would be defeating Team Hell No for the tag team titles. It seemed almost unbelievable to both of us. We were honored that they felt we were ready for such a big responsibility. The Shield as it was known split up in May and Roman was repackaged and pushed as a singles competitor. Jon and I stayed together as a successful tag team. Now we'd finally made our way to the one thing we'd both always dreamed of. Championship gold.

We made our way up the entrance ramp as Kane and Daniel Bryan remained in the ring, shocked and yelling obscenities and threats at us as we retreated with their belts. I was on a euphoric high, the adrenaline pulsing through every fiber of my being. I could tell by the look on Jon's face that he was experiencing the same thing. I figured I'd better at least sell the fact that we'd just finished a hard fought match, so I collapsed down to my knees at the top of the ramp. I felt Jon's hand resting on my head as he talked trash into the camera about how great of a team we were.

Then came the moment that not I, not anyone in the world was expecting. Jon dropped down to his knees and leaned over, grabbing my face in his hands. He kissed me, telling me that he loved me as he let my face go. He stood back up, returning to his character and berating our opponents as they stood in the ring with their jaws dropped. I felt like I was frozen. Had Jon really just kissed me on national television?

If you asked me, it was a tame moment. Triple H and Shawn had kissed on RAW before. Lesnar kissed Angle. Jon had kissed many of his opponents during his days in the independent promotions, using it as a tactic to get under their skin. This time though, it didn't go over very well with some of the higher ups in the company. I stood with my head lowered as many of our bosses and advisers yelled at Jon. I tried to listen, but my ears were ringing for some reason, my head spinning. I heard only little snippets of what they were telling us. Mostly, they were criticizing Jon. _"You can't just do that on live air, you need to run that by us first..." _

"_We don't want GLAAD breathing down our necks again, Dean..."_

"_...things like that. That was not PG..."_

"_It'll be all over the internet now. You'll never get rid of it. It'll live forever."_

I had no idea who was talking or what they were talking about. I just knew that they sounded angry. Jon and I did our best to apologize and patch things over, just wanting to get out of the situation. We looked at each other and nodded as we walked away, our moment feeling a little less special now.

We got into our rental car and made our way back to the hotel, showering together silently. Jon got out first, leaving me in the shower. I spent a few more minutes enjoying the hot water before I joined him. I walked out of the bathroom to find him reclining on the bed wearing just a towel, our newly earned title belts spread across the mattress.

I smiled instantly. In this moment, I forgot about our bosses yelling at us back at the arena and focused on what was really important. Jon.

I got in bed with him, straddling him. "I might have apologized back there, but you and I both know the truth. I'm not sorry. I'll never be. I love you and I couldn't help but kiss you. I needed to. I don't care if the whole world knows, I don't give a fuck. That was my way of celebrating with you in that moment and if there are people who don't like it, they can go to hell. They can fire me for all I care..." he told me, staring in my eyes.

"Jon." I told him, pressing my fingers to his lips. "Be quiet and make love with me." I told him, replacing my fingers with my mouth.

Long after Jon fell asleep I was still awake. I found myself staring at our title belts. They were draped over the back of a chair next to our bed. I couldn't contain my happiness. My smile seemed to widen as I moved my gaze from the gold of our belts to Jon. He looked happy as he slept beside me, his arm flexed over the top of his head. "This was a perfect night..." I whispered as I kissed his shoulder softly. "I'll never forget this night. Never." I told my sleeping lover as I nuzzled my face against his skin. I curled up against his sleeping form and tried to turn off my excitement just long enough to fall asleep.

XxXxXxXxXxXx

July 2013 O'Haire Airport

Both Jon and I were exhausted as he trudged through O'Haire Airport in Chicago. I don't know how we were still standing. We must have both been sleepwalking at this point, neither one of us had managed to accomplish the feat of getting a full night of sleep for about the last ten days. It was partially the travel schedule to blame. I doubt that anyone outside of our industry could understand how being on the road nearly three hundred days a year messes with your body's internal clock. But when you're the World Tag Team Champions of the largest wrestling company in the world, then you make sacrifices.

I groaned as I noticed the trio of fans near our gate. All we wanted to do was make it back home to Florida so that we could rest for two days before returning to our horrific travel schedule and defending our titles. I knew they were going to stop us. The two girls wore Shield t-shirts, their male friend decked out in Cena gear. I cringed, but tried to hold in my true feelings as I made my way closer and I heard the distinct squeal that only a female wrestling fan could possibly make. "OHMIGOD!" I watched her as she jumped up and down several times out of pure joy. I smiled.

"Great." I heard Jon moan out from behind me.

I smiled sweetly as I stopped in front of them, setting my bags down and saying hello. "Dean! Dean, please can we get a picture? Can you sign my shirt?" the two girls begged in unison.

I glanced over at him, the disdain clearly painted across his face. He curled his lips and slowly but firmly told them "Piss off." as he kept on walking.

"UHH?" the shorter of the two girls moaned out in disappointment. I couldn't believe my ears. Never before had Jon denied a fan their moment. I mean, sure...there were occasions when he took time out to pose for pictures or sign something when he didn't really have it in him. You smiled and put on a brave face and dammit, you acknowledged them because it was the right thing to do. This, what Jon just did to these fans...this was beyond wrong in my eyes.

"Jo..." I stopped myself, realizing what I was about to say. "Dean!" I yelled after him. He didn't bother to stop. He kept walking to our gate, waving his arm behind himself as he heard me yell his name.

"Dammit." I cursed underneath my breath. I brought my eyes up from the magazine with both of our pictures on it that they gave me to sign to see the pained look on their faces. "I'm sorry girls. I really am. I don't know what his problem is today. I apologize. He's a true heel. He's just trying to stay in character." I grinned, the girls laughing a bit at my observation about his actions. "I'll take some pictures with you guys if you want." I said as I stood in between the two girls, putting an arm around each one of them. I knew that I couldn't make up for Jon's actions, but I could at least try to make their experience with me enjoyable. I smiled at the taller girl, a look of pure bliss on her face.

"You. Are. So. Hot!" she told me, letting out a short squeal of happiness as their male friend took our picture.

They all thanked me over and over again as I said goodbye to them and made my way to the gate. As soon as I got far enough away from them I let my anger overwhelm me. When I sat down beside Jon on that airplane, he was going to fucking hate me.

"_Sometimes I hate every single stupid word you say._

_Sometimes I wanna slap you in your whole face._

_There's no one quite like you._

_You push all my buttons down._

_I know life would suck without you._

_At the same time I wanna hug you I wanna wrap my hands around your neck._

_You're an asshole but I love you. And you make me so mad I ask myself,_

_Why I'm still here? Oh, where could I go?_

_You're the only love I've ever known. _

_But I hate you. I really hate you,_

_So much I think it must be true love."_

"What the fuck?" I mouthed to him, Jon refusing to take his headphones off once the plane departed. I shook my head at him, my face tensing up with anger. He smiled and pointed to his headphones, making a dumb face at me. I knew he didn't want to talk to me right now. Too fucking bad.

I reached over and yanked the headphones off of his head, mussing his hair and shocking him. "What the fuck, Jon?" I hissed out.

"What?" he groaned, slumping down in his seat. "I just didn't have it in me today, Colby. Cut me some slack."

"What?" I asked, flabbergasted. "Did you really just say that to me?" I asked him.

"Uh, yeah. I did. I don't have to stop if I don't want to. It's my choice, you know." he told me.

"I can't believe you, Jon. You know, sometimes I just don't understand you." I said, pressing my palm to my forehead as I tried to keep my anger in check. I wanted to lay into him so badly. I didn't know how I was holding it in.

"Who fucking cares anyway?" he asked me. "They're just like any other fans. Dime a dozen, every one of them. So I denied two little fangirls. So what?"

"SO WHAT?" I asked him, shocked. "So what? Jon, let me ask you something. Would you be sitting here right now if not for the fans? Because I can answer that for you. You wouldn't. You couldn't. Who do you think buys the merchandise? Who buys tickets to see shows? Who purchases the pay-per-views? Huh? Those people who you rejected at the airport, that's who." I said, shaking my finger at him as I made my points.

"Don't preach to me. I hate it when you do that." he said. "I got where I am today because of me. Not because of random, nameless fans at the airport. Where were they when I was bleeding every night I worked in CZW? What did they do for me when I nearly ripped my nipple off working a match with Jimmy Jacobs? Did they pay any of my medical bills when I got injured or hurt? Did they pay for gas money to travel from state to state? Did they sacrifice the things we've all sacrificed to make it this far?" he challenged me.

"You're such an asshole. I swear you are. You can be so cold, so insensitive. How can you say those things? Do you think that CZW would be a promotion without fans, loyal and rabid fans that kept on coming to see you every show? You think they don't buy the merchandise that you get a cut of? You think that they don't watch all of your matches? You think that they don't fucking love you? And that doesn't mean a damn thing to you, does it? None of us would be here without the unwavering support of fans like the ones you were so fucking rude to back there. NONE OF US." I told him, not realizing how much I had raised my voice. The people next to us had started to stare, but I didn't give a shit. He had me to the point now where I was irate.

"Let's just drop it until we get home. Please. I don't want to make a scene here." he said to me, bringing his headphones back up and covering his ears as he slouched down even further in his seat. I crossed my arms over my chest, fuming the whole rest of the flight.

"_True love, true love. It must be true love. _

_Nothing else would break my heart like true love._

_True love, it must be true love. _

_No one else would break my heart like you."_

By the time we returned home it was late. I didn't want to look at Jon. I was so pissed off at him. I didn't want to think about the events of earlier. I just wanted to sleep. I retreated to Jon's bed, having to step over boxes and pile after pile of random junk and dirty clothes as I made my way there. "Jesus Christ, Jon. Would it kill you to clean up every once in a while?" I yelled at him, earning no response from him. "Jon? I'm talking to you..." I continued, knowing that he could hear me from the attached bathroom where he was brushing his teeth.

"SORRY!" he yelled at me as he appeared from the doorway, his hands flying wildly in front of him. I frowned at him. He stormed out of the room, leaving me all alone in the bed.

After tossing and turning in the bed all by myself for over an hour, I pulled the covers aside and went searching for my boyfriend. I found him sitting on the porch swing wearing only his shorts and smoking a cigarette. "Dammit, Jon. You told me you were trying to quit." I complained.

"OH FUCKING SHIT!" he screamed at me, his arms waving up above his head, his cigarette clamped between his lips as he made wild motions with his hands. "Can you lay off of me for just once?" he yelled, giving me the kind of crazy eyed look he usually reserved for his promo work. "I can't seem to do a fucking thing right lately, can I?" he asked me, standing up and pacing as he finished his smoke.

"What are you talking about?" I questioned him as I walked across the cool cement to the porch swing.

Jon tossed his cigarette butt away and continued yelling at me. "All you do is pick at me. You do it constantly. I don't feel like I've done the right thing in your eyes for weeks. You're incessantly badgering me. Advising me on what habits I should have or not have, forever picking at me and dissecting every little thing I do. I say the wrong thing. I wear the wrong thing. I look at you the wrong way. I smoke too much. I don't need to drink whiskey. I don't sleep enough..." he ticked off little things that I'd commented about over the last month of our relationship as he counted them on his fingers in front of me.

"Jon, that's not what his argument is about. It's about what happened earlier today..." I began to say as I lazily moved myself back and forth on his porch swing.

"NO. No, that's not it." he told me as he pointed at me. "That might have been the straw that broke the camel's back, but that's not the only thing that this is about." he told me, that wild look still on his face. I began to wonder if he was cutting a promo on me or engaging in an argument. I came to the conclusion that they were one in the same to Jon. "This is about weeks worth of pent up anger, it's about a ton of little things in our relationship that we don't want to talk about." he concluded. "It's about the little fights we've been picking with each other recently. How we don't make love as much as we used to. How you don't even seem to want to kiss me as often as you did..." he told me, his voice breaking as he talked about the distinct lack of intimacy we'd displayed towards one another in the last month or so.

"Jon, it's just because we've been working so hard and traveling so much." I told him, feeling a small pain creeping up in my chest as I mulled over where he was heading with this argument.

"No it's not." he said, looking down at the ground. "We're strained. We've been walking on eggshells because we're both afraid. Afraid to say the things I just said. We don't want to admit it. I know it. But we're drifting apart. I can feel it. Fuck, the other night when I was laying beside you, you weren't even anywhere near me. You were all curled up on the other side of the bed, almost to the edge. It felt like you were trying to get away from me, that you didn't want to be close to me. Felt like you weren't even in the same room with me." he told me, pouring his heart out right there in front of me. "I watched you sleeping for a little while, then when I couldn't stand it any longer I moved over to your side and tried to curl up next to you. You just balled up your body even tighter and clenched your pillow. So I gave up. It seemed like you didn't want me there..." he confessed to me, wiping away tears with his thumb as he spoke.

"Jon, come and sit down next to me." I begged him, moving over to make a space for him and stopping the swinging motion. He did, slowly. Jon put his head down between his knees and wrapped his fingers around the back of his head. "Jon..." I said softly, all of a sudden feeling an intense sense of regret for even starting this argument. "Jon, we're not drifting apart." I assured him as I gently ran my hand up and down his bare back.

"It feels like it. There are times when I think you're trying to push me away. It's only been a few months since we agreed to give this a serious shot and I feel like you're tired of me already..." he mumbled.

I searched for the quality about Jon that made me feel this way for him, for what it was about this man. How the fuck did he always have a way of spinning everything around on me? He'd managed to turn an argument about not stopping for fans at the airport into an argument about the state of our relationship, and one where I was the bad guy! I sat back in amazement, astonished at how he could twist and distort every situation into one where he held all the power. How he turned it into something where I was the one who felt bad when I shouldn't.

I sighed, coming to the conclusion that I'd probably never be able to figure out Jon, even if I spent the rest of my existence clumsily trying. I knew that in this moment, I didn't want either one of us to be angry, to feel hurt for any longer. It wasn't worth it. I didn't want either one of us going to sleep mad. I was tired as hell and I just wanted to patch things over for the night and return to bed. I gave in, just like I always did when it came to Jon.

"Jon, I'm sorry." I told him, not sure what I was even attempting to apologize for. "I don't intentionally try to push you away, I hope you don't think that." I told him as he raised his head up and watched me as I talked to him. "I love you, I do. I don't want you to feel this way. I only pick at you because I want you to be the best that you can be. I'm sorry if it comes off the wrong way. I think we're both drained physically and emotionally. And I know we're both exhausted, I know that for a fact." I told him. "I'll try to be less picky. And please don't think that I'm pushing you away." I told him, reaching out to touch his face. His stubble was wet with tears. I frowned at the thought of him crying. "I think we both need to be more patient with one another. And keep each other close. I love you, Jon. I love you so much. I don't mean to hurt you." I said, feeling my own tears making their way to the corners of my eyes.

Jon smiled at me halfheartedly, taking my hand in his. "That makes me feel a little better, hearing you say that." he told me. He kissed my palm, clenching it firmly in his grasp. "I love you. Just don't give up on me, even if I am an asshole most of the time." he laughed.

I smiled at him. "Most of the time?"

"Fifty percent of the time?" he asked, grinning.

"More like seventy." I joked.

"_Why do you wrap me up the wrong way?_

_Why do you say the things that you say?_

_Sometimes I wonder how we ever came to be?_

_But without you I'm incomplete..."_

XxXxXxXxXxXx

September 2013

"Jon, do you think that gay marriage will be legal in all fifty states within our lifetime?" Colby asked me. I felt my eyes bulge out of my head a bit at his query.

"I dunno." I said. I returned to what I had been doing before Colby interrupted me, mindlessly browsing through the internet on my laptop. I silently hoped that this was the end of the conversation.

"Why don't you come lay in bed with me?" he asked, rubbing the empty space next to him.

"In a minute..." I mumbled. I heard him sigh as he stripped down to his boxers and climbed under the sheets. After a few minutes my eyes started to hurt, so I turned off my laptop and crawled into bed with my lover.

Since the incident at the airport that Colby chewed me out for, our relationship had been tense at times. We were normal most of the time, but several times we erupted into another disagreement about something small, something petty. Pick about this, fight about that. In the end we would make up, both of us realizing that the thing we were arguing over wasn't really worth the time or the energy.

Still, there was always a little bug in my brain. The nagging thought that there was a distance between us. As much as Colby loved to place the blame on our schedule, I wasn't easily convinced. I felt a great distance between us at times, and I was at a loss as to how I could bridge the gap. Many nights I've stayed awake long after he'd gone to sleep, just trying to figure out what we were doing. I tried my hardest to brush it off as my own insecurity, the idea that one day he'd see that I wasn't what he wanted. I wasn't good enough.

"You don't think that we'll live to see the day when you can marry any partner you please?" Colby asked me as I settled in beside him in bed, picking up the discussion he'd started earlier.

"I'm not sure." I shrugged. "Why are you asking me this?" I wondered, turning to face him.

"It was just on the news, I was watching it on television. You didn't hear it? They were talking about the issue."

"Oh. I guess I wasn't listening..." I mumbled.

"I like to think that by the time we're old and gray that gay marriage will be legal. Think about all the couples who've been together for years. They deserve it, right?" he asked, propping himself up on his elbow.

"Yeah. You're probably right. I mean, if you and I were to get married I think we should wait until the day when it's legal everywhere." I told him, immediately regretting the statement.

"If you and I were to get married?" he said slowly, sounding somewhat embarrassed. "What are you saying? You'd marry me?" he grinned playfully, gazing at me with his dark eyes.

I stammered and stuttered out my answer, Colby being the only person who had ever made me trip over my words this way. "I...that's not really what...You..."

He laughed at me, collapsing down to the bed as he pressed his face to his pillow to try to muffle the sound.

"OH, I'm glad you think this is so FUCKING FUNNY!" I told him, gently shoving him. "You know I'd marry you if I could. You just wanted to put me on the spot and watch me squirm, didn't you?"

"I'm just fucking with you, Jon. I didn't expect an answer. But it is cute to know you'd do it if you could..." he told me, a sweet tone to his voice as he continued to laugh a little through his words. When his laughter stopped all that was left was an awkward silence and another space between us. "Jon? Can I ask you a question?"

"Do you know how many times over the course of our relationship you've asked me that?" I joked. "Yes. The answer if always yes. I might not always give you an answer, and the one I give you when I do might not be the one you're looking for, but you can always ask."

"I'm not saying that I don't like our sex life, because I do." he began, pausing. "But would you ever let me...you know..." he tripped over his words and seemed to not want to say what he was thinking. "You know, let me fuck you?"

I could feel my face fall. "No." I said, shaking my head. "No." I repeated. "I don't think I could." I told him.

"Why not?" he asked me. I could tell from the look on his face he was trying to hide the disappointment and confusion he was feeling upon hearing my answer.

This was the last thing that I wanted to discuss with him. "I don't want to talk about it." I said quickly.

"Jon..." he started to say to me. I wasn't sure how to express with him the fact that I wasn't comfortable with talking about this subject with him, so I just did what I always did when I felt uncomfortable. I got angry.

"NO. Stop." I said, climbing out of the bed and getting dressed. "I'm not going to talk about this with you." I yelled as I pulled my pants on.

"What?" he said softly. "Jon, I'm sorry if I upset you..."

"YOU DID. You upset me, okay. This whole thing upsets me, I'm getting more and more angry as we talk about this so I just want you to DROP IT!" I told him.

Colby stayed on the bed, the expression on his face letting me know that he understood he'd hit a nerve with me. If Colby only knew how much it hurt to strike that nerve then he wouldn't have even approached the subject. Then again, how could he know? I'd never shared that story with him or anyone else, for that matter.

"I'm sorry." he mumbled after a few quiet minutes had passed us by, Colby frozen to his spot on the bed as I sat on my side, my back turned towards him. "Why don't you want to talk about this?" he asked me, causing my jaw to clench.

"I just don't, okay." I told him sternly.

"Why would you shut me out like that?" he asked me. "What is the problem? I didn't think that asking you that question would make you so angry. But if we can just talk about it..."

"I told you no. I don't want to talk about it." I repeated to him, trying my best to hold back my sudden urge to explode.

"You wouldn't even do it for me?" he asked softly as I felt his weight shift and his body come closer to mine.

"Do what for you? Talk about it? No, I just don't think it's necessary." I said.

"No, that's not what I'm asking. You wouldn't switch for me? You wouldn't let me fuck you? I don't understand where the anger comes from?" he asked as he held his arm around my waist.

"Don't talk to me like that, Colby. That's bullshit. Pure bullshit." I told him, standing up. "Don't make it like that. 'You wouldn't even do it for me?' How can you say that? I gotta go." I yelled.

"Jon, don't go." he begged me. "Just come back to bed."

I made my way out of our room and fished my phone out of my pocket, making a call to the only other man I felt I could regard as my friend besides Colby.

I seated myself at the bar and waited for Paul. I ordered scotch on the rocks and sipped it slowly as I tried to calm my nerves. My heart felt heavy as I recalled the memories that our argument brought up. I wanted to shake them away. I yearned to tell Colby my story, but I knew that I couldn't. I'd never told anyone.

"So you had a little fight, huh?" Paul asked me as he sat down next to me.

I sneered at him, telling him "Yep.".

"About what?" he asked, leaning in closer to me as he did. I glanced over at him, catching his eyes on me. He smiled warmly at me, telling me "C'mon. You can tell me. It's obvious you want to or you wouldn't have called me."

"He asked me to do something that I can't do for him and I think it hurt him, more than either one of us realizes just yet." I explained.

"What it it that you can't do for him?" Paul asked me.

"He wants to be the top. He wants to fuck me." I told him. "I told him no. I don't want that. Then I got angry and we argued. And I left."

Paul opened his mouth and paused, squinting as he looked at me. "There's more to this than meets the eye, isn't there?" he asked. "Why did I even ask that question? With you, there always is, isn't there?" he grinned.

"Yeah. But it's a story I'm not willing to tell." I said, grimacing.

"That's apparent. I can tell just by the tone of your voice." he commented.

"So I'm angry. Colby doesn't understand why. I'm not able to explain to him why the discussion about it makes me so pissed off. I'm stuck. I don't know what to do." I sighed.

"You tell him what you just told me." Paul said to me as he pulled his long brown hair away from his face. "And you move forward. At least try to."

"What if I can't? What if WE can't?" I asked him. "What if this is something that Colby can't accept?"

"I don't think that he would feel that way, Jon. He's very understanding and I think that from what you've told me about your relationship he's been more than patient with you." he said.

"You didn't see the look on his face." I said softly. "Something happened to me a long time ago. And I've made peace with it. I've come to terms with it and locked it away. I pushed it out of my mind. Until now. It's not like I didn't think it would ever come up, but I still wasn't prepared for this. I can't talk about it. I don't want to talk about it." I groaned.

"Then don't." Paul said, pressing his hand against my leg. "Or maybe as time goes by, you'll find that you want to. It might make you feel better, it might be best for both of you if you tell him whatever it is from your past that makes this hard for you to discuss..."

"NO." I said, raising my voice as I slammed my fist against the bar. "I don't. I can't. I've told my stories, Colby has heard so many of my stories. Always he's told me that he would accept me and the things that happened in my life before he came along and that it wouldn't make him think of me any differently. But I know better. This one isn't like the others. Some things are best kept in the dark. We don't want to live through those memories again so we choose not to. There's a certain degree of weakness in letting someone in, sharing with them a moment in your life when you were vulnerable and there was nothing you could do to protect yourself. I don't like weakness. This is one wall I'm not willing to let come down."

"Look, we all have things we hide, Jon. You have the right to have yours if you choose. Just don't let it come between the two of you." he told me as he squeezed my leg. We sat silent for a few minutes, nursing our drinks. I could never put my finger on it, but there was something about Paul that made me calm, that strangely comforted me. This night was no exception. I took solace in his company.

"I just told you more than I told Colby, more about why I don't want to talk about the subject he brought up. Now I feel silly. I got angry when I shouldn't have. I feel like a fucking idiot." I mumbled.

"Go. Get out of here." he said to me, smiling as he motioned towards the exit.

"Hey, thanks for listening to me." I told him as I stood up.

"My friend, I'm here when you need me." he said, moving up to his feet and embracing me. He leaned in close and kissed my cheek, giving me a good hard squeeze as he did.

I returned to our room, expecting to find my mate fast asleep in bed. Instead I walked in to find him sitting up in bed, fully clothed. "What's this?" I asked him. "I thought you'd be sleeping."

He didn't answer. He sat still, not looking at me. I sat down next to him and took off my shoes, gently brushing up against him as I did. "You don't want to talk to me? That's fine. I understand." I sighed. I put my hand on his shoulder gently but he jerked away, shocking me. He shot me a pained look as his brow furrowed and he slowly moved away from me. "What? What the hell is it?" I asked him. I felt fearful. I knew that look on his face. I'd seen it before.

"You looked pretty cozy together, the two of you." he mumbled.

"What?" I asked him.

"Don't play dumb. It doesn't suit you." he said.

"I don't know..." I began to say to him, but it dawned on me. "Oh." I said softly. He'd seen us.

"I followed you. Did you really think that I wouldn't?" he asked me, his voice breaking. "You have an argument with me, you get fucking pissed off at me for seemingly no good reason...and you run off to tell someone else about it. Have I got it right, Jon?"

"You don't understand." I mumbled.

"Did it have to be him?" he said softly.

"Please don't read into it. Paul is my friend. You know that." I explained.

"Yeah. He's your friend." Colby nodded. "Jon, tell me something? Do most average people have sex with their friends while pretending they're someone else? You had to go to him? I saw you. He put his hand on your leg. You didn't bother to move it. He kissed your face." he yelled at me, our eyes meeting for a moment, just long enough to glance at each other before Colby looked away.

"I just needed someone to talk to, that's all." I told him, my hands clenched over my knees. "That's all it was. Just talking. Please don't distort it. I needed to get away and talk to someone else..."

"I'M RIGHT HERE, JON. Why couldn't you talk to me? What makes you run? Haven't we come far enough? I guess not." His words cut at me, opened up wounds that I wasn't willing to open. I took a deep breath and tried to steady my nerves. I didn't want to explode again. "I beg of you, don't shut me out. If you push me far enough away I'm afraid I won't be able to get back in."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't leave. But I didn't want to stay here and argue with you. That doesn't get us anywhere." I said. "It hurts to hear you say something like what you just said to me. Here sometimes I feel like you push me away and now you're telling me you feel like I do the same thing to you. You're right, I do. I've got things in my past that I don't want to talk about. This is one of them. When you asked to make love to me like I do to you, I didn't get angry because of you. It's not your fault. I can't blame you. All you did was ask me a simple question. You didn't deserve the treatment I gave you and I apologize."

Colby slowly walked back over to the bed and sat down next to me, resting his head on my shoulder. Even though he was beside me, even though I'd apologized to him, even though the argument was over now...I still felt like he was miles away from me. I knew that this incident had caused a disconnect between us. I blamed myself. It wasn't his fault. I always had to make myself out to be the bad guy, even when I wasn't. This time I was. And I felt a nagging sense of loss. It felt like we lost something tonight in all of this. Something I didn't think we'd ever recover.

XxXxXxXxXxXx

December 2013

Time passes us by. There's nothing you can do to stop it. You have no control. Over the years you learn to make peace with the fact that there are aspects of your existence that you don't have a grasp on. You let go of the helpless feeling and accept that there are things that aren't in the realm of understanding. It's the things that you feel like you should be able to control that bother you the most.

In the end, nothing ever changes. You fall in love and it makes you feel powerful. You feel an elation, a high. It convinces you that there's nothing you can't conquer. You start to believe that a person can be changed, or that people can learn to live with each other, flawed as they might be. Every song, poem, quote, story about love leads you to believe that everything will turn out alright. Too bad that's a lie.

In the two months time since Jon and I argued over switching up the roles in our sex life, things had progressively escalated. Our relationship started to feel more like work than love. We fought with each other more and more as days turned into weeks and weeks became months. At some point I stopped lying to myself and accepted the fact that it was Jon and I at fault, not our travel schedule or demanding physical workload that I loved to blame.

I coped by slowly retreating inside of myself. I swallowed down my doubts, my fears. I understood that this was the worst possible way to deal with my issues, but I needed to do it. I lived in fear, I lived in a constant state of fear that one day soon our relationship would be coming to an end. I didn't know how to stop it. I didn't want it to end, but then again...we were both suffering.

Jon dealt with his problems by yelling, fighting. We'd argue until one of us couldn't take it any longer and would leave. We kept playing this game, perpetually hurting one another and then making up eventually. Until the next time it happened.

I could only liken it to death, the feeling of our relationship slowly slipping away from us. It felt like I was slowly watching a train moving towards a point where it was going to go off the track, not able to do a thing to stop it. I just let it keep going because I needed to see the crash. At some point I realized that we'd probably passed the point where it could get back to where it once was. Instead of ending it I just let it go on the way it was. It was better for me to be with Jon this way than to be without him. Somewhere along the way we'd lost ourselves. I was angry with Jon for putting up walls. I couldn't understand how with me he kept that guard up. It was almost like we'd switched roles. I opened up for him and took a chance in making our relationship more serious. Now here we were seven months later and I felt like any progress we'd made was gone. Long gone.

A few weeks ago we lost our tag team titles. I was sad the day they told us our reign was coming to an end. Jon took the news horribly, spending most of that day sitting in the locker room and fuming. When I tried to approach the subject with him, another fight started. I left him sitting in the locker room, disgusted at the turn of events.

Things after that night were tense, but quiet. I couldn't fathom how we'd managed to grow even further apart in the last three weeks, but we had. I found myself alone in our hotel room. Jon was at the bar, his favorite place to visit lately. He'd been warned twice in the last month about his drinking. Some of our bosses told him that he needed to cut back on his consumption. He scoffed at their warnings, not caring that they'd observed him and his habit of heading out to drink himself silly after shows most nights. I turned off the television and held back my temptation to call or text him to see where he was. I curled up in a ball on the bed, just wanting to forget about the problems in our life together for a short time. After maybe half an hour, I gave in. "Where are you? You coming back tonight or what?" I texted him.

He quickly sent me a reply, surprising me. "You want me to come back?"

I frowned. "Yes." was the only word I sent him in response.

The Jon that came back to our room wasn't the Jon I wanted.

"HEY BABY!" he howled, stumbling in through the door. I grimaced at the sight of my inebriated lover. His jacket was half off of his shoulders and his hair looked mussed. His eyes were glazed over, telling me all I needed to know about what kind of time he'd enjoyed tonight.

"You took something, didn't you?" I asked, feeling my anger rise up from the pit of my stomach. The memory of one of our first serious talks about the early stages of our relationship came to mind, the words rushing back to me as I stared at Jon. I sighed as I remembered what I'd told him.

"_If we're going to do this, __you have to promise me one thing, and one thing only. NO MORE PILLS. I don't care what happens. I don't care what kind of pain you have, what addiction you're trying to feed...from this point on, no more. Can you do that for me, Jon?" _

He promised me that he could, that it was something he didn't want to do. He didn't know why he did it. I felt confident in his answer at the time, but sitting here now, staring at him...I knew it had been foolish to believe him. Nothing ever really changes.

"Hey, I just needed something to calm my nerves." he slurred out as he made his way over to me.

"What about you telling me you wouldn't do that again?" I questioned him.

"Look...it's no big deal. And if you think this is the first time I've done this, then you're a fool..." he mumbled as he flopped down next to me on the bed.

He was right. I was foolish.

"Why'd you even bother asking me if I was coming back? Huh? I don't think you even want me here." he told me.

"I do want you here. But not like this. If I'd known this was what was coming back to me, then I wouldn't have bothered." I said.

We sat together in silence for a few minutes before I felt Jon's hand moving across my back. I wanted to pull away from him, disgusted as I was. I didn't, I let him stroke his hand over my spine. It felt good, I couldn't deny it.

"What are we fighting for anyway?" he asked me as he moved in closer to me, having to lean against me for leverage. Shit, he couldn't even hold himself up. "I just got here. We should be naked. " he slurred out as he pressed his face against my neck. I wanted to lose myself in the sensation of his mouth against my flesh, but I denied the feeling. Instead I focused on the fact that whatever he'd taken was making him have to lean against me to stay up and that his breath reeked of smoke and whiskey. I frowned, moving away from him.

"Not like this, Jon. Not now." I told him as I stood up.

"Oh, you don't like this?" he asked me, slumped over to one side. "What, this time I'm not good enough for you? I can remember other times when you liked it." he yelled at me.

"You're out of it. Look at you." I yelled back, pointing at him. "What the fuck is wrong with you? What makes you do this? There's no good reason to go out and get fucked up drunk and take pills! You promised me that you would stop. What is there to escape from now?" I yelled at him.

Jon sat silent for a few moments before he answered me softly. "They're going to split us up."

"What?" I asked him, not understanding what he was referencing.

"They're going to break us up. WWE. We aren't going to be a team any longer. They're going to split us up and the plan is for one of us to to be on RAW and one of us to Smackdown. After we feud, that is. I guess you can understand how that's something I'm not looking forward to." he told me.

"You don't know that, Jon." I said to him.

"Yes I do, Colby. I know. They told me two weeks ago." It all made more sense now. He was afraid of being split up. I couldn't help but laugh at the similarities between our professional pairing and our personal one. Laughing was my first mistake. "What are you laughing at, Colby?" he yelled at me. "You probably don't even care. You're ready to be rid of me anyway, aren't you. You're sick of me, just say it!" he screamed at me as he got up off the bed.

"Just calm down, Jon." I told him, not wanting to head in the direction we were heading.

"No, I won't calm down. FUCK THAT. Don't tell me to be calm. Our whole relationship is going to change and you're going to tell me to CALM DOWN?" he was growing more and more angry. I could see that wild look in his eyes, the one I both loved and hated. Used in the right context, it was beautiful. Like when he cut a promo or when he talked about wrestling in general. In an argument, however...it was a bad sign. "Just say it. Tell me. I can take it. Say it. You don't love me any more. You stopped caring a long time ago."

"No, that's not it, Jon. I do care about you. You're the one with these invisible walls up. That's my problem. We've gotten so bad. We've grown so far apart. We spend every fucking day together and we can't make it. I'm afraid of what we're going to become. Maybe it would be better if we were split up, if we weren't traveling together all the time. It might be for the best." I told him. Telling him it might be better if we were split up was my second mistake.

"Yeah, I bet you'd love that, wouldn't you. I've really made you sick of me haven't I?" he yelled at me as he got up. It's amazing how no matter how out of it Jon was, when he got angry he suddenly regained his bearings. "You'd probably just forget about me and find someone else, wouldn't you? If we got split up you wouldn't even fucking care, Colby." he yelled at me as he pointed his finger at me and poked my chest with every word.

I swatted his hand away and shot him an angry look. "Trust me, there's no forgetting you." I told him.

He laughed at me, a crazed look on his face as the sound of his laughter left his mouth. "I don't know where we went wrong." he told me, reaching out to me.

"Don't touch me right now, Jon. I'm not happy." I warned him.

"Obviously. It's clear that I can't make you happy. I've tried but I guess it's a failure. Well...what do we do now?" he asked me.

"I don't know." I mumbled, moving away from him.

Jon shook his head and turned away, walking to the bathroom. He returned with a glass of water that he used to wash down the pills he removed from his jacket pocket. I moved back and leaned against the wall, feeling like the tears were close to coming as I watched him take the painkillers. "You're never going to stop, are you? You'll never be any different."

"Shut up, Colby. Just shut the fuck up!" he yelled at me. "I thought more of you. I figured you would at least be able to put up with me for a couple more months."

"I don't know if I can, Jon. Not if this is how it's going to be." I said, looking down at the floor. "You're no different than you were the night I flushed your pills down the toilet, are you? You can't be any different. You're pulling away from me, you're going back to your old habit. You're drunk almost ever night lately. You're going to make me hate you, you know that? You're going to keep fucking around until we're not together any more, until you've fucked up your whole career with this bullshit." I screamed at him, pouring my heart out to him. I didn't expect what came next.

I barely had enough time to duck before the glass smashed against the wall behind me, shattering into a thousand little shards. I felt it as it whipped past me on it's way to the wall. I looked up at him, shocked.

"_Now there's gravel in our voices._

_Glasses shattered from the fight._

_In this tug of war you always win,_

_even when I'm right._

_'Cuz you feed me fables from your head,_

_with violent words and empty threats._

_And it's sick that all these battles,_

_are what keeps me satisfied."_

Jon lunged at me, both of us landing on the floor next to where he'd just thrown a glass at my head. At first I was too shocked to fight back. I had strung together the right combination of words, and they'd made Jon go insane with anger. I put my arms up over my face and tried to defend myself, feeling some of the stray slivers of glass as they poked at my bare back. Jon punched me a few times, angrily stringing together obscenity laden words, half of which I couldn't understand. "JON! GET OFF OF ME!" I screamed at him, finally getting the upper hand and tossing him off of me.

I moved back, my palm picking up a few shards of glass as I did. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I yelled at him as he got back up to his knees. "What the hell, Jon?

He slowly looked up at me, his face painted with anguish. "I'm sorry."

"No, this isn't one of the times when you can say you're sorry and I'll be okay with it!" I screamed at him. "I can't take this any more."

"No, don't say that. Please don't, Colby." he begged me. He moved closer to me but I crawled back, my body eventually trapped between Jon and the wall as he embraced me, much to my chagrin. "Please. I'm sorry. I love you. I can't control myself." he sobbed. "I have to be with you. You know that. I don't mean to hurt you and I can't explain myself. I'm fucked up, you know that. I can't do anything right. But I love you. Don't leave me, please. Just think about all the good things we could have in our life, all the things we've talked about. We can get a big house together and you can bring your dogs and we'll be together. Don't think about the bad things I've done to you, just think about all the good things we could have, the things I haven't ruined yet. I don't know why I do the things I do..." he pressed his face against my shoulder and cried as he spilled out his words.

"Get off me, Jon. I can't do this right now." I warned him.

"Please..." he whispered to me as he pressed his lips to mine.

"NO!" I yelled at him as I shoved him away, his body falling to the floor. We both stayed still. I started to fear what he was going to do next. Jon got up off the floor after a moment, looking down at me with tears in his eyes still.

"Fine." he told me as he began walking towards the door. I expected him to tell me something more as he exited our room. I was almost disappointed when he didn't.

Four hours later I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. Why hadn't I turned it off? "Mr. Lopez? This is officer Clark with the Gainsborough police department..."

I shouldn't have answered my phone. I shouldn't be sitting outside the police station right now. I shouldn't care. But, I did. I cared enough to get out of bed and come pick his ass up. I couldn't just leave him. He needed someone to sign him out. He was being released to me. It seemed humorous, in a way.

You can spend days and months of your life with a person and never understand them. I came to the conclusion, as I waited in my rental car outside the police station, that Jon didn't even understand himself. There was no way for me to relate to him when he couldn't relate to himself.

After about forty minutes of sitting in the lobby the man called my name. I signed a few sheets of paper with my name and they brought him out. I silently lead the way out to the car, Jon trailing behind me.

"What happened?" I asked him, already knowing the answer.

"I left and I was fucked up. When you go roaming down the street yelling out in frustration about the current state of your love life and how fucked up you are, the cops don't take to kindly." he said, staring down at his hands.

"I'll take you back to the hotel with me but you're getting your own room. I can't stay with you. Not after this." I said as I began to drive back.

"You mean stay with me at all? Or just tonight?" he asked, glancing over at me.

"I don't even want to think about it right now, Jon. Just leave me alone for a couple of days and maybe then we can talk." I told him.

Not surprisingly, Jon was in a lot of trouble when we arrived at the house show the next day. They weren't too happy to hear about him getting arrested. They decided it was time for a random drug test. His test showed several things that were violations of the wellness policy, things that he didn't have a prescription for and that he wasn't approved to be taking. They let him off easy in my opinion, giving him a warning. They informed him that the next time he failed he'd be suspended.

Another week passed us by. Jon was no different. He continued to drink almost every night. I tried my best to avoid him, booking a separate room for myself everywhere we went. Jon showed up at my room drunk on a Friday night. I knew he was angry with me, I'd not said more than three words to him since the night I picked him up from jail. He begged me to talk to him, crying as he did.

"Jon, I don't know what to say. That's why I haven't talked to you." I explained to him slowly. "I'm just prolonging the inevitable, though. You and I both know that we won't last."

"I tried. I really did. I tried." he told me. "I don't know what else to do. All I can tell you is that I love you and that I need you. Please don't give up on me, not yet."

"What am I supposed to stick around for, Jon? It's only going to get worse." I scoffed. "You don't know how to love another person because you don't love yourself."

"I do love you. I'm fucked up, you know that. You told me you loved me. You don't love me enough to deal with me, do you? You aren't even wiling to try?" he asked me. I knew as I stared at him that convincing myself that I could live without Jon as my lover would be the hardest thing I'd ever done. But I was so tired. So what was I to do? Stay with him the way he was now, knowing what our relationship was going to be like if I did? Or be without him and spend years trying but failing to forget about him?

"I did try. I'm so tired Jon. You've worn me down to nothing. I feel like you've sucked the life out of me. I really do. I just want to throw in the towel and give it up..." I told him, the heartbreaking reality of the words I'd just said sinking in as I did.

I looked down at him, hating that I found that crazy look on his face again. I braced myself for the worst. "Throw in the towel. Huh. It's funny that you chose those words. It's more like a fight to you, isn't it? FINE. Give up on me, just like everyone else has!" he yelled at me.

"You make it into a fight. I'm sorry, Jon. I am. I tried. You don't get it, do you? I don't want to give up, it kills me to give up. I don't want to. I want to love you. But you make me hate you. You drain me. You take and take and take until there's nothing left and then you push. You're so far away from me, and you do the most horrible things to me. I can't take it."

Jon looked up at me, a pained look in those big blue eyes that I'd looked into so many times before. "I make you hate me..." he said softly as he clenched his hands together and stared down at them. "This is really what you want?" he asked me.

"No. But it's what we have to do." I told him honestly.

"It's not what we have to do, we have a choice. YOU have a choice and it's solely yours and yours alone." he told me.

"I can't..." I whispered. "I can't do it any more."

Jon stood up and walked over to me, taking my face in his palm and cradling it there, just like he'd done a thousand times or more. "Pretty baby." he whispered to me.

"No. Don't, don't start this. Just go, Jon. It's better if you just leave." I reluctantly told him.

His face fell with my inexorable statement. We both knew that nothing good would happen if he tried to drag this out any longer. "I was just trying to say goodbye." he told me softly, shooting me an angry look. "FUCK, I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU GOODBYE?" he screamed at me, his arms flexed and his fists balled.

"See! This is what I'm talking about! You can't even be normal for just a minute! You're selfish and you're evil!" I yelled back at him. I didn't mean that, I didn't think those things of him. But in that moment, it was what came to mind. Jon rushed at me and pulled me down to the bed, my best attempts to stop him wasted. He pinned me down to the bed and held my arms down, bearing down with all of his weight.

"All I wanted to do was tell you goodbye." he repeated.

"GET OFF ME, JON. We both know you didn't just want to tell me goodbye. It's never that easy with you. You always have ulterior motives, your brain doesn't work any other way." I yelled at him, still struggling underneath him. I knew that if I wanted to I could make my way out from underneath Jon, I gave it just a half-assed attempt at best. Even though I knew it was destructive, that it would kill both of us, even though I understood that we couldn't be together...I loved him. And I loved this. I felt sick but I loved it. I must be just as crazy as Jon, just as much of a fuck up to be enjoying this.

"I did, I only want to give you a proper goodbye. You said what you want to say and now it's my turn." he told me as he pinned my wrists over my head. "I love you. You told me you can't be with me and that's fine. But I just want you to know that one day you're going to wake up and realize you're without me. You're going to realize that you wasted your life. You'll see that if you'd just stuck it out with me that maybe the day would have come for us where we'd be okay. But now you'll never know..." he told me, his eyes never leaving my face as he stared down at me.

I turned my head to the side and bit my lip. Jon let go of my hands and held my face instead, kissing me. I kissed him in return, the thought of him leaving without kissing him one last time more unsettling than the thought of how he had me pinned down to the bed. "Tell me you love me, one last time. Just let me hear it one more time and I'll go." he told me.

"Jon...please. Just go. I can't. You told me once that you knew we'd destroy each other one way or another. You remember that? I know you do. I don't want that. I've never wanted that. Please, just go. Don't make it any worse." I begged him.

"Just tell me you love me, pretty baby. I'll go." he repeated as he stared down at me with desperation in his eyes. "That's all I need to hear."

"I love you, Jon." I whispered to him, giving in to what he needed.

"I love you." he responded. "Pretty baby..." he whispered with his lips pressed against my cheek. He kissed me one last time, with great passion. "You're going to miss me. One day you'll see..."

Jon got up and released me. I watched him as he walked towards the door, glancing back at me for a brief second before walking out.

With that we parted ways, both of our hearts broken.

"_I meant to sympathize, I meant to be a friend._

_I know apologizing won't erase the end._

_But I've learned that moving on is where I must begin._

_Cause when our colors mixed we couldn't fix,_

_the way they wouldn't blend._

_How long, how long have we been down?_

_How long have we been down?_

_And why can't we work when we both try?_

_We try, we try, we try, how we try._

_And I wish that only greatness follow you around._

_I hope to god you find a way to keep from down._

_When I do I hope you share it all with me. _

_Please try to understand, yeah to understand me..."_

XxXxXxXxXxXx

_Fall 2009_

"_Du bist egoistisch. Du bist verrückt. Ich hasse dich!" I was relieved that I couldn't understand the German that Alex was currently yelling at me. I stood in my bedroom, watching him as he gathered the personal belongings he'd left at my house over the past few months. We've had our share of fights before, but this was really one for the record books. _

_My current lover was Alexander, better known as hardcore wrestling legend Thumbtack Jack. Well, he was _one_ of my current lovers. He was not very happy to learn that I'd cheated on him once again. I tried my best to put a good spin on the situation, but there was no way to make the truth sound good. _

_I listened as Alex hurled obscenities at me, in both english and german. I tried my best to keep up, but I lost myself in thoughts about our relationship and how I couldn't help but feel like I was about to lose him. And I deserved it._

_Out of all the lovers I'd accumulated this last year since diving head first back into the wrestling scene, Alex was by far my favorite. I felt like I loved him, I think I'd even told him a few times. But I had a funny way of showing love, it was twisted. Just like every other part of my life. Even though inside I knew I felt something more for Alex than the desire to fuck him, I still kept him at arms length. I pushed him away. I did everything I could to make him feel like he was less than he really was to me, because if I did let him know I cared for him, I figured I'd just end up getting hurt. So I kept him at a distance, never really allowing him to break the surface of who I really was or permitting him to see any of my real emotions._

_I used him for sex whenever possible. He was a slut for pain, for letting me use him, and I loved that about him. He loved to let me abuse him in the bedroom just as much as he loved to let his opponent in the ring abuse him. I got off on that. It was the thing that caused the two of us to be drawn to each other in the beginning. Then over time I started to feel for him, think that maybe we could be more. As soon as those thoughts started to creep in, I started cheating on him. That caused fight after fight between us, most of them ending with a physical altercation which would eventually lead to sex. I thought that we could both be fine, living this way. But then he had to go and tell me that he loved me. I almost wanted to die when I found myself telling him that I loved him as well. As time passed, I tried my best to treat him like shit, to show him that even though I told him I loved him, he was still not breaking my shell._

_Now, here we were again. Fighting. But this time it was different. He was actually packing up his things. Preparing to leave, and not come back. He was serious. This wouldn't be one of those fights where we made up by fucking each other. _

"_How the fuck can you stand here and tell me you love me? After all this?" he yelled at me. "You slept with other people. You used me. You've hit me, beat my ass more than once and you say you love me? Du bist böse." he screamed as he pointed at me. "You're evil."_

_He was right. I was evil. There were so many points in our relationship that I was unkind to him. He didn't really deserve it. Those times I'd lashed out at him in anger and frustration, he didn't really do anything to earn the treatment I gave him. But I couldn't help myself._

_I blamed our doomed union on the timing. I met him during a time when I was trying to get my life together. I felt as though I was on the right track. I was back to wrestling full time. My body was back to where it should have been before I let my addiction destroy it. I was trying my best to be a better person. To let go of all those things in my past that bad been haunting me for so very long. I can't lie and say I never slipped up. I had a drink here and there, a few times after a show I would go out and get drunk as hell. I couldn't give up drinking completely. I tried my best to kick my pill addiction, but that still had a way of creeping up on me too. I was proud of myself, I'd only regressed twice with that addiction. The times when I did, they were hell. It was always something very small that would set me off, and Alex bore the brunt of my anger most of the time. I wasn't proud. I didn't like what I had done to him. But I didn't know any other way._

_I felt as though my mind was clear and I was heading down the right path...then I met Alex. At this point I've accepted the fact that I have a very addictive personality. I traded my other addictions for Alex. I became addicted to him. And when things didn't go my way, I would either run to some other lover to hurt him or use my fists to hurt him. Either way, nobody came out of it the winner. Now he wanted to leave me._

"_You have a sick sense of what it is to love someone, Jon. You know that?" he berated me in his thick german accent. "You're too flawed. You don't know how to treat another human being." I felt my fists clench at his words. I tried my best to keep my anger in check. I didn't want this to be another one of those incidents. I didn't want to have to apologize for hitting him again._

"_Du wirst niemals lieben niemanden außer sich selbst." he screamed at me, his eyes never leaving me. _

"_English, TJ. Please?" I begged, my head in my hands. _

"_You're selfish. The only person you'll ever love is yourself." he yelled. "You're selfish, Jon. Because nobody ever bothered to teach you the difference between love and hate. They're one in the same for you. You'll never be able to love another human being the right way because all you can think about is yourself." he continued. _

"_Stop, Alex. Just go. I don't want to do this..." I asked him softly, feeling drained all of a sudden. I knew damn well that this was my fault. All his words, he was probably right. I didn't know anything about love. It was hard for me to maintain a relationship with anyone, let alone be in love. _

"_So allein sein. Es ist mir egal." he screamed, throwing one of my dirty shirts at me as he did. "So be all alone. See if I care. Live the rest of your life by yourself. You'll never find someone who will be able to put up with all of your shit! __You're crazy! You're nuts! You're too fucked up in the head!__" he screamed. _

_With that statement something in me snapped. I erupted. The feeling washed over me that I had to cement the fact that this was my fault, that the two of us __breaking up for good was because of me, not because it was what Alex wanted. He was right, I was selfish. I didn't care. I grabbed him and wrestled __him to the floor, his head knocking against the carpet of my bedroom as we both hit the floor. I held him down easily, he was smaller than me. _

"_What, Jon. You going to hit me again? You going to kick my ass again? HUH?" he yelled up at me. "Tun Sie es. Do it. That's all you're good for. Making someone else feel as shitty as you do about yourself." _

"_SHUT UP!" I screamed at him. I held him down by the shoulders, bearing down on him with all of my body weight. I didn't want to let his words have any kind of power over me, but it was no use. I was only so angry with him because I knew he was right. I'd never let him know, though. I wanted to be the bad guy. I needed to be the one to blame when things went wrong. I was sick in the head and I knew it. I couldn't let him walk out of my house thinking that our relationship ended because he wanted it to. I needed for him to feel like I was the one, I made this what it was. _

"_I pity the next person who you choose to be with, who you think you may love. They're going to be in for a hell of a time. Möge Gott erbarme sich ihrer Seele!" he yelled at me. "May god have mercy on their soul."_

_I felt my face tighten as I balled my fists. The thought of punching him to make me feel better struck me, but I stopped when Alex kept talking. "You don't even understand the power you have over the people that are close to you." he told me, his tone of voice shifting and sounding more hurt and sincere than it had all night. _

"_You get inside someone, you crawl under their skin. You infest. And you use that person up until there's nothing left. Anybody close to you is drawn in by you and they don't know how they got there or how to get out. You make them hate you by your actions. You pick and pick and pick...you chip away at a person until there's nothing left of them." he paused, a thoughtful look on his face as he turned to look at me. "Und sie aufgeben. And they give up."_

_I slowly got up off of him, sitting on the floor next to my bed. "Then go." I said softly. "Just go." I felt the hot tears forming at the corners of my eyes. I couldn't let him see. I ducked my head down between my knees as I listened to the sounds of Alex gathering up the last of his things for the last time. _

"_Jon.Hör mir zu. Listen to me." he said. I looked up to see him kneeling before me. "You need help. You need a therapist. A psychiatrist. Something." he told me. _

"_Fuck. You." I told him, pronouncing every word as hard as I could._

"_I'm serious, Jon. I'm going back to Germany and I'm not coming back. Being with you drove me out of the country. You think you don't need help?" he asked me. I didn't reward him with an answer. He frowned at me and walked away, telling me goodbye one last time in german before walking out of my life for good. _

_I got up finally, after an hour had passed. I slowly walked to my kitchen to get a beer and listened to his words as they danced around in my head. I cared for Alex. But I didn't know how to show him the right way. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. So I turned it into a mess, and drove him away, breaking both of our hearts a little bit in the process. _

_I found myself wandering to my medicine cabinet without even knowing it. I opened the door, not wanting to admit to myself that I was hoping to find a pill or two. There was nothing. I felt like shit. I felt small and defeated. So, I did the only thing I could think of. The only thing that helped me to get by when I felt like this. I texted Colby._

"_Bad, bad day. You got time to talk?" I sent him. I waited for him to respond, playing with my phone and looking in the bathroom mirror as I did. _

"_Yeah, man. What's up?" he answered. _

"_I'm having a hard time right now. I found myself looking for pills to take to make this go away, but I know that it's a bad idea. I just need to hear you tell me something positive. Can you do that for me?" I tapped out my message to him, hoping that I didn't sound to pathetic to my friend. _

"_Sure, Jon. Anything you need." he sent back to me. "You've been doing so much better lately. I saw a couple of your matches and I couldn't stop smiling all the way through them because you were so good in the ring. And the crowd reacts to well to you. You don't need to take anything to make yourself feel better, Jon. It doesn't help. It makes you another person. You need to be yourself. I think that person is pretty fucking awesome. Just focus on wrestling, man. Just remember you dream. I know it means lots to you, because it's the same as mine."_

_I smiled for the first time today, reading his message. "Thanks, man." I typed to him. _

"_Yeah. When you need me, I'll be here." he told me. _

Epilogue

Once their relationship was over, Jon found himself depressed. He began using again, taking any variety of prescription pain killers and muscle relaxers that were readily available to him. On his third wellness policy violation, he was pulled aside. He knew he was about to be sent home again, maybe fired. So he decided to pull the plug before they could do it for him.

Jon quit. He left the WWE and left Florida. He returned to his home state and to the only man on earth he knew would still understand him. Sami Callihan. The two of them moved into a house in Cleveland, Ohio. After Jon's ninety day no compete clause had expired, Jon and Sami made their triumphant return to Dragon Gate USA as The Switchblade Conspiracy, Jon going back to using the ring name Jon Moxley.

Jon and Sami were well received, Jon earning raucous "Welcome Back!" chants on their first night together in the ring. After several months, they were the holders of the tag team titles in Dragon Gate. They held the titles for more than a year before losing them in October of 2015.

Jon cleaned up his act. He stopped taking pills, this time for good. Slowly he managed to quit smoking. He still would have the casual drink, but nothing like before when he would down a whole bottle of Jack Daniels in one sitting. He also began occasionally seeing a therapist, skeptical at first. It did help him to realize how to work through some of his issues, but after about a dozen sessions the agony of having to explain his relationship with Colby in great detail became too much for him and he stopped going.

Jon and Sami lived together and teamed together like brothers. Jon felt as though he was on top of the world. He had success, even though he was no longer a part of the biggest wrestling company in the world. He was champion alongside one of his closest friends in the world. He no longer felt he needed pills or drugs to make himself cope. He felt complete. Complete, except for one aspect of his life. Colby.

There were times when thinking about his friendship with Sami deeply saddened Jon. It made him think of Colby. He felt pain. The pain of having lost his lover. The man who he believed to be his soul mate. The worst part of all was the sting of knowing that the two of them would never again be friends.

XxXxXxXxXxXx

Colby jumped right back into a relationship with Arianna, his girlfriend before he'd been with Jon. Only three weeks passed after the breakup when he started dating her again. Even though he was aware of the fact that diving head first back into a former relationship with someone so soon after the one with Jon had ended was a horrible idea, he did it anyway. He ignored the little voice in his head that told him not to and did it, in spite of his better judgment.

There was no forgetting Jon. He'd left a permanent mark on Colby, both literally and figuratively. But being with Arianna made the torment of knowing that he couldn't make it work with a man who he truly loved sting just a little bit less. So, he lost himself in her. After only six months, at her urging, they married. Roman served as best man at their wedding.

In the WWE, Colby soared to the top as Seth Rollins. After their breakup Colby requested some time off for personal leave and was granted it. When he returned, Jon was gone. It was a deep feeling of sadness and relief at the same time, learning that Jon was gone for good. He was pushed immediately into a program with Intercontinental Champion Kassius Ohno. The two of them carried on for over five months, switching the title back and forth numerous times. Seth lost the title, but went on to win the Money in the Bank briefcase at the pay-per-view of the same name later on that month.

Seth cashed in his briefcase at WrestleMania 31, winning the WWE Championship from Dolph Ziggler.

Just before Wrestlemania, in March of 2015, Colby and Arianna learned they would be parents. Their baby girl was due to arrive in December.

Author's note: That's it, ladies and gentlemen. Well, for now. I haven't marked this complete yet because when I post the next story in this series, I plan on making a chapter twenty one to let you guys that have this favorited and followed know that it's up and the name of it.

THANK YOU! I can't possibly say that enough. If you've come this far and read the whole story, please let me know what you thought about it, whether you loved it or you liked it or you hate me for not giving them a happy ending. No matter what, I appreciate all the feedback. Thank you again, to all the readers. I love you guys.


	21. Chapter 21

Hi everyone! Just wanted to post here to let you guys know that the sequel is up. It's called "All We Can Do Is Try". Check it out if you want to know what's going on with our boys two years down the road.

On a side note, a more personal one...I know that there are some of you who didn't like the ending. That's fine. You are all entitled to your opinion. Please don't let the fact that you didn't like the ending of "Feel Again" stop you from reading the next installment. This is the best way to put it...just because they didn't have their happy ending back then doesn't mean they'll never have it. That's all I'm going to say about it. Hope you all read and enjoy!


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